Saturday, August 30, 2014

That Whole Job Thing

So --- a few days have passed.

I can see the people of one country seem very interested in my blog.

I know that if I were to apply for a job there - or anywhere really, I would want a partner/companion, and it makes most sense to have a female companion - a wife.

But, even though I am attracted to women, I can just see myself not being particularly keen in anyone I meet, no interest in actually pursuing a relationship anywhere. I am actually just really-really comfortable with where I am in life.

It was clear for a while that those "God feelings" or "God ideations" appeared to be making me brave enough and gave me a desire to actually want to apply for a job---

but those feelings have worn off, and as my experience dictates I have a high probability of failure when it comes to changing my lifestyle to involve a real job. I get too stressed out, or the feeling of "I want to work" was only just a passing whim that doesn't stay.

So, I'm comfortable where I am in life now, and if I were to move elsewhere I would want someone else with me, but I am very introverted and have little interest in finding anyone even if I am attracted.

I apologize for raising hopes, but it was that "God feeling" that raised hopes, not really my own conscious choice.

Despite "God feelings" of trying to get me to work, I see so many ways in which I could fail, and I'm not sure it's worth trying or wasting people time or energy.

I'm happy that people think I could be hired to work --- but even just recently I was having emotional difficulty dealing with, and therefore I am probably still somewhat disabled.

Sorry, We'll see if anything comes along or what happens though.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Debunking Myself

OK --- I have a couple stories on this blog about a mac pro in my bedroom that glows for a while and then suddenly, without warning, stops glowing.

I try to explain to myself that there's an explanation for that but I never figured it out - for some reason - until now. It seems so paranormal, but it might not be.

OK - I leave my bedroom door open. Across from my bedroom door is another part of the basement,where there's a light that switches on with a motion detector. After there's no movement for a while, the light switches off.

That light is probably what I see on my Mac Pro. It's just a bright light from another part of my basement, reflecting off the Mac Pro, and then turns itself off - thus the sudden end of the glow in the Pro.

I hope nobody got too excited about what I saw there, and I feel sad it took me so long to figure out that explanation. :)


So:: if I need a woman to be my companion, parter or help-mate, I have some looking around to do.

To me, right now, the thought of finding a woman seems dismal enough that I feel like I just might miss out on an adventure. It's just that I am really-out-of-practise meeting girls and I genuinely think I would need a female companion.

The feeling from God that made me "want" the job has calmed down considerably, but as I talked to God last night I got an impression that He thought this would be a good thing for me to do.

I just have to note however, that I get stressed out too easily historically, so in my mind it seems like there's a possibility that this is like that one message from Elder Jeffery R Holland where God seemed to instruct him to take the wrong path. I don't know how that works, but it seems possible. What I'm saying is ---- it would be sad if I had all these feelings, we got everything together to do it, and then it didn't work out ---- but Elder Jeffery R Holland seemed to think that's a possibility.

Basically::: The feelings God gave me of wanting to do this have calmed down significantly. I still feel brave enough to try, but I think I also have other things to concentrate on right now.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

How my Psychiatrist felt

Today I saw my psychiatrist.

And I remembered well how God seemed to make me want to take a job at this overseas company.

So I told the doctor.

I told the doctor that I told God, that if God really wants me to get this job, then I really thought I should have a wife accompany me, or be there to help me in some form.

By the end of the discussion, the doctor seemed to think I really needed to find a girlfriend. She seemed interested in how I was going to start dating now that I don't bother with my old church anymore.

There are lots of pretty girls in my home area - as I have noticed when I'm hanging around outside. I guess it's just a matter of getting to talks with any one or number of them. I have to build my confidence.

So --- Basically, the short of the story is::: God seemed to make me want to apply for a job, I want a girlfriend if I'm going to work, and my psychiatrist seemed interested in how I was going to find a girlfriend.

We'll see how this works out. We'll see if there's a woman interested in becoming my so-called "help-mate". :)

And really, the only reason I'm not freakin' out of my mind that I'm actually interested in doing this is because God sincerely seems to be making me emotionally capable of wanting to do this.

My old Stake President, who I stopped trusting after a long time --- even he said that the Holy Ghost will communicate as a sort of sense of encouragement, and if I felt encouraged to do anything - it's this (though, God has eased off on a large part of those feelings, just leaving me with a memory that this would be a good thing to do - a good path in life to take).


I should also note and say or mention that my Psychiatrist has seen real improvement in my condition over the past 2 years --- she never thought she would see me get to this level of mental capability or whatever I am. So, the doctor said that 2 years ago she thought I'd never get this far, and I have improved so much.

My nurse said I have really improved in the past 3 months. Yay.


I tried the Luge at Canada Olympic Park today, just up the hill from where I live. First time.

Their tagline on the ticket is "Once is never enough". It's apparently the longest Luge in the world, and I got a ticket to go 3 times for my birthday.

When I finally sat down in the little cart, it was noticeable that my belly was going to be a problem, so they decided I needed a special cart, I think with longer handles. That cart I could handle.

The trip down the hill is fun, but it really exercises your arms --- and well, really, once was enough for me --- I doubted my poor arms could've handled a second time down.

My tickets expire soon, so I kind of thought I could let the giver have a go at the ride. Yay.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

How do I respond to an interesting Job Offer?

OK, so a day or two ago I received a job offer from an overseas company that pays a salary that I thought looked pretty decent.

It would involve such a huge change in lifestyle, I think, to work for this company. Like, if I had to travel overseas (or even travel anywhere), I would tell myself that I HAVE to get married in order to do this. I would really need a travel companion, and if it's a loving female companion then that would make the most sense.

of course, where I am at right now in life, it's kind of difficult to conceive this happening. I'd have to wait a while to see what comes along (which means the job offer would have to last a while before I responded) and then see if I can make anything work out.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I do actually feel a great spiritual pull or tug on my soul that seems to be driving me to want this job -- which is really strange because I would have thought I'd be xenophobic or something.

The company that sent the job offer, as near as I can tell, is based in a country that has a great deal of faith --- and I think they might be praying to God for me to come to them, as that would explain why I have recurring feelings of "wanting" to go take this job.

Though there are differences in religion, it's not unlikely that their God is the same as my God, just under a different name or title (that's what I think it is in my opinion actually, I've discussed this with my father before and this is the conclusion we have drawn).

So, I don't know why our religious belief is so different in some areas if we believe in essentially the same God --- all I know is I sense this force over my soul that makes me want to take the job, and I suppose it might be because of someone's prayers.

The biggest excuse I have for not acting on these urges right now are that I don't have anyone to travel with, I have no wife or travel companion or anyone to love. That's my biggest excuse (and if I started getting scared I could probably come up with more. :) )

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Why I want to make money - but it's hard

So, thankfully one admin said it's OK to charge for your game and I don't need to justify it.

I'm just gonna put a few justifications for why I want to make money selling things and how it's utterly frustrating that over 90% of people are unwilling to pay even a small price for a product that they'll take in droves if it's free.

1) I have to make back what I spent to complete the project. It's a complete waste of money to buy supplies and services that help you make your project only to find that though you were willing to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on your project, while the people who want to use your product can't even pay a small fee. It's frustrating.

2) I have things to pay for. The socialist medical care in my country won't pay for a dental service I need, and I'm going to have to pay for it myself --- it would be really nice if anyone could lend a buck or two by actually buying a product from me.

3) Speaking of socialism, if you read my book you'd know I've been on AiSH welfare for a long time, or in other words disability welfare. This might be fine with someone who is really truly disabled, and though it's clear I really have had my disability in life, I've always argued with the diagnosis. I'm trying to NOT BE DISABLED, I suppose, and well, don't call me greedy when in fact I'm just trying to make so much money that I have to be kicked off welfare. I think the government might actually like to stop paying for me - and, in fact, they would be really happy if I actually paid taxes too. Then I can pay for other people's welfare -- wouldn't that be nice?

Yes --- I've told God on multiple occasions that I actually want to make so much money that I have to be kicked off welfare.

It doesn't help that most people can't pay a small price, and really, I know that OUYA games are really really low on sales for a very long time now it seems, but OUYA users should realize that if they don't pay for OUYA games then OUYA could go out of business --- and I really wouldn't like that.

So, please, don't scold me for charging money, and even, I would say, you could gladly pay the buck that I ask for. I mean, if you love the cheap and free nature of OUYA --- well, too much "just free stuff" and OUYA won't survive because of lack of cash flow. Anyone should realize that.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Discussion on

So, I released my 3rd video game "Air Defence" on OUYA, and posted the complimentary blog post on about it.

One person, innocently, asked me if I could or would release a free demo of the game. I gave my reasons for why I would like to charge the small fee I charge.

Then someone, an admin, I think, said it was OK to charge a fee and I didn't need to justify or explain myself.

Then some more people came on the thread, and I think someone said something about how my game looks bad enough that they won't buy it.

I responded saying I'm not an artist and it's true that my game is only mildly to moderately amusing, and if you don't want it then don't buy it. I'm just a little upset how a product could be sold for free hundreds of times, but a small price tag drastically reduces sales.

And then, after I made that post, I got an email from some company with YET AGAIN ANOTHER job offer. This "looks" like the most legit job offer yet, but it would involve such a huge change in lifestyle I'm not sure I'd go for it. I'm comfortable where I am.

Anyway ---- it's very interesting how I consider my own game to be only a little amusing, another person on the forum said something negative about the way it looks, and in my own home I only hear positive comments about the game.

Yeah. I don't know. It's just weird how there had to be a negative comment about the art of my game on my game's forum post, then saying they won't be purchasing it, and like, this is the kind of treatment I get all the time - like on Avril's forum years ago, on amazon, on barnes and noble, and now it's come to Ouyaforum too.

Anyway, just amazing how someone decided to pipe up about how crappy my game looks and how they don't want to purchase it. They seemed like they were trying to be polite, but I've had so much garbage thrown at me over the years I really have to wonder.

Anyway --- Apparently my game looks like crap but my the family in my own household seemed to like it anyway. On one hand someone had to deliberately chime in and be negative about my game while in my personal situation I hear nothing but positive comments about it.

At the end of my last post I said I don't care to discuss it anymore. Yeah - I guess I'm just a really crappy content provider who's trying to make a buck.


Thursday, August 21, 2014

Mac Pro glow again?

I was sitting in my bedroom, thinking in the dark, when I noticed light coming off my mac pro again.

Again, this time I didn't think much of it, because it may have just been light from outside my room reflecting on the metal surface.

But, in the blink of an eye --- and with no lighting change anywhere else in my room (including my doorway), the mac pro stopped glowing.

To be totally honest, in the past while I've had a number of freakish experiences that I haven't fully mentioned here.

I recently went on a trip, travelling around alberta. Had some freaky experiences there.

Just last night I was watching videos about religious stuff on Youtube, learning about some of the really freaky things that go on - and as I was standing in the kitchen later that night I saw red and blue lights flashing out of my kitchen window.

I went to my dad (in another part of the house) to tell him about those strange red and blue lights. He seemed excited by what I told him, and lagged behind as I went to the kitchen window again. The lights had disappeared, but quickly reappeared again. And as my dad stepped into the kitchen -- boom the freaky red and blue lights stopped shining, and never shined again that evening.

So, I've got a freaky glow in the dark mac pro, had a freaky kind of experience while travelling that I won't explain here, and after watching videos about freaky religious stuff on youtube I saw red and blue lights out my kitchen window that were there, then they were gone, then they were there again, and as soon as my dad walked in they disappeared.

Yes --- I am so.... wondering what it all is.

Considering I'm not even sure that the LDS church is authentic christianity, that it might actually just be authentic satanism, you just have to understand that I see a bunch of strange stuff going on, and then I have little idea about the actual nature or source of the experience.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Air Defence is OUT NOW!!

So, I just got my approval for Air Defence v1.0 from OUYA, and just moments ago published the game.

It's the 908th game on OUYA I guess. Yay. I managed to get 3 games in before they reach the 1000 mark. Yay me.

Air Defence Trailer #2 from Kristian Attfield on Vimeo.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

New Video Game Coming

So, remember I told you I was working on a 3rd Videogame using the Unity3D game engine?

Well, that game is on hold for a bit, because I spent the past 2 days working on a completely different project and I actually finished it!

So, hopefully within 12 or 24 hours OUYA will send me my approval and I'll be up on the store. Yay.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The Church Endorsed Dishonesty?

I wish I could just stop thinking about all these church problems - today my mind probably covered several issues that I could write about, but I thought about another one now and felt like I could write about this one, even if it really is just me blabbing on and on --- how many people wish I could just shaddup right?

Anyway:: I quickly thought about my life and noticed how completely dishonest the LDS church was, and how they seemed to just expect me to live in their organization with all that dishonesty.

Here's why I say that:::

Back in 2001, the LDS church told me my good friend actually NEVER wanted ANYTHING to do with me. This was psychologically traumatizing for me (amongst other things perhaps), and well, church psychological services wanted to talk to me to "help me" deal with my psychological issues.

Of course, I immediately rejected church psychological services because the church just couldn't seem to accept the actual truth that my good friend was the one who actually started the relationship --- and in fact in all appearances to myself, that friend ALWAYS had wanted me. There are a number of clues for why I thought "she never wanted me" was a lie, but here's one:: if she never wanted anything to do with me, then why did we spend over a year being good friends with each other? I mean, we knew each other for at least 3 or 4 years before someone decided we weren't allowed to be friends anymore.

That's the other one::: the church vaunted their belief in freedom and liberty, but then they only just decided to control us and make us not be friends with each other. They said we had to forgive, but to not talk to each other anymore. It was all complete BS.

Anyway, so I rejected LDS church psychological services because of one glaring dishonest fact distortion or lie that the church never decided to correct.

So - the church sent me to regular psychiatrists, and the church instructed me to follow and obey these regular psychiatrists.

What's interesting, however, is that the LDS church gave me a patriarchal blessing that said I'd witness and perform miracles --- and I was already having a number of experiences with this power --- so when the church told me to obey the psychiatrists they were actually telling me to deny my miracles --- because the psychiatrists had absolutely no belief in any thing of the sort it seemed.

And eventually, when some government or charitable entity caused Avril Lavigne to sing about me -- and she recognized how my good friend always wanted me but just wouldn't admit it -- the holy ghost verified to me that this song was about me, and the church wanted me to deny that as well.

And then the stake president even just denied that the holy ghost would ever speak by voice, even though my patriarchal blessing said the holy ghost would speak by voice.

What's weird is, the stake president told me as I progressed in the gospel I would see my blessings come true, but he just told me to deny my testimony of the holy ghost voice and it's utter hypocrisy that I'd be progressing in the gospel or seeing my blessings come true at that point. Just plain stupidity.

So, to recap:::

1) I avoid LDS psychological services because church won't admit she was actually interested in me.
2) Church declares freedom and liberty and agency, but instead decides to control our lives in a very forceful fashion.
3) Church essentially decides I should deny miracles.
4) Church decided I should deny my revelation from the holy ghost.
5) Church decided voice of holy ghost never actually exists.
6) Church says the blessings will come true even as they contradict and deny the blessings.

Anyway --- I'm just so psychologically disturbed about it all ---- In worthiness interviews with Bishops they seem to demand so much honesty, but then they can't even get the facts straight with some pretty obvious factors in my life.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Doctrines of things done in secret in Christianity and Mormonism

SO: In the bible, Jesus said something about how things done in secret/private will be brought out into the open - into public.

While in the D&C, Joseph Smith says that if someone offends privately then the offence should be dealt with privately and should never be exposed so as to somehow protect the offender.

(I think it's interesting that Joseph Smith liked protecting offenders and punishing victims, but that's a different topic)

Anyway - I was thinking about my own life, how I believe the ghost of my grandmother sexually molested me right after she died, and how I kept the whole thing secret for quite a while.

You see, according to Joseph Smith in the D&C, I was SUPPOSED to keep my little offence with my grandmother private and between just the two of us. Of course, I also prayed to God about it.

So why did I ever start to discuss this occurrence in the first place? In a General Conference talk President Hinckley said that if we have confessed a sin to God, then we should probably confess it to our Bishops too anyway. I confessed this fiasco to the Bishop because it's what President Hinckley wanted.

Now: here's the problem::: The bishop wouldn't even blame my grandma (which is a form of forgiveness for her) and as was standard policy back then I was punished upon confession of the sin.

So, in LDS doctrine, if we didn't forgive grandma I'd be condemned of the greater sin, and even if we do forgive grandma - I was still condemned anyway.

It was a situation that punishes a sexual abuse victim.

If the church truly followed their doctrine of forgiveness, they would have automatically forgiven me for masturbating. But they decided to punish me instead.

(on a side note --- it's weird how this bishop so easily forgave dishonest abusive and angry behaviour from another person so easily but a little harmless masturbation problem gets punished so quickly)

Anywho::: If I really had to keep a private offence private, as Joseph Smith directs, what was the point of telling the Bishop? The bishop just "forgives" the offender and then punishes the victim it seems like.

I mean, if the church wasn't so busy being so critical and condemning of masturbation - I might never have told anyone my suspicions about my grandma, but they demanded I confess something (something they criticize a lot) and they only punished me for it despite their doctrine of forgiveness.

Anyway --- I actually think Jesus' doctrine of bringing things into the public is A LOT BETTER than Joseph Smith's doctrine of keeping a private offence hidden.

Also: It appears the LDS church is just plain dysfunctional and doesn't work. Maybe it would have worked better if they actually followed their doctrine properly - but it might not've just because Joseph Smith may have screwed up somewhere in his "revelations".

So yeah -- Jesus is way better than J Smith and the LDS church is dysfunctional - in my experience and opinion.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Job Offers and my thoughts

On occasion, usually somehow in relation to OUYA, I might get a job offer telling me I've got the skill set they want and all that....

But I am really hesitant to have much to do with these few "opportunities" that come along.

Like, in one case I thought it might've been a bit like a spam email, or a scam trying to take money from me.

In another case, it may have been more legit, but I was hesitant and not really interested because there  were few to no details about what their job for me actually entailed --- and it could have been a scam anyway at that point.

As for my ACTUAL SKILLSET:::::

It's true I was the smartest boy in school growing up. But I think GOD has deliberately dumbed me down for reasons I won't get into here....

But anyway::: YES --- my two games both use custom JAVA game engines, and though that makes me somewhat computer smart or even super smart, I am not really a super-computer-genius by any means ---- a lot of the time while I'm programming I'm about as skilled as a retarded monkey - I only manage to get a decent final product after long hours of trying to make things work.

I have very little formal training in computer programming. In school I learned C and a bit of PASCAL ---- all my Java, JavaScript, C# and Swift are self-taught and I would consider myself beginner (in Swift or JavaScript) or intermediate (In Java or C#).


I would be eager to develop a videogame with a team, like an artist, a musician, or whatever it might take to make a great product ---- but I am very introverted and have a tough time dealing with people. Right now I'm content to do as much as I can on my own.


I don't handle stress very well. I had a job over a year a go that paid well, and I tried to do it --- but I just started getting too stressed out too quickly, and I couldn't handle it.

If I worked for a real employer, that would mean deadlines, and well as I program like a retarded monkey I might experience difficulties. Also: on my own project (my personal 3rd game) I worked on it for a while and hoped I'd have it out before school started again, but for the past few weeks I've just been getting too distracted. So, with my distraction and lack of formal training and inability to handle stress, don't be offended if I don't seem interested in a job offer.

Also: I'm real comfortable where I am in life right now. I'm not sure I want to break out of my bubble.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Further Mormon Study

yesterday I talked about Nephi saying "The law is dead and ought to be done away" while wicked King Noah tried to follow the law and be saved by the law.

It's interesting to note that in the D&C Joseph Smith instructs the saints to "cease to find fault one with another" whilst Abinadi in the BoM can only seem to criticize King Noah's efforts to follow the law.

Now::: Remember Alma and Amulek? They had that little dialogue with Zeezrom where we discover that we are SAVED FROM SIN -- not saved in our sins.

So, here we have King Noah who believes the Law of Moses brings salvation -- which agrees seemingly with Alma and Amulek --- and though Jesus teaches against fault finding here we have Abinadi criticizing King Noah's effort to actually follow the law, saying that it's Jesus Christ who truly saves. And then Nephi says the law is dead and ought to be done away while we find life in Christ who says "forgive everything".

The Book of Mormon even says hypocrites cannot be saved --- and in reality, the Book of Mormon is just one big hypocritical book.

I'll try to create a list about who agrees with who in the book of Mormon from the above dialogue:::

Alma and Amulek agree with King Noah that the LAW saves us.
Abinadi likes to criticize and say Christ is salvation, which agrees with Nephi who says the law is dead and ought to be done away.

Abinadi: if Christ is salvation, why are you criticizing King Noah's effort to be saved through the law, if being saved from sin is how Christ saves? And Christ doesn't allow you to find fault, so why are you criticizing Noah for his effort to agree with Alma and Amulek? And then Nephi sits there saying "The law is dead".

Basically:::: This book is looking just like a bunch of nonsense right now. Just complete nonsense.

Being saved from sin is Christ's way, but Nephi believes the law ought to be done away.

Christ's way is to not find fault and to forgive, yet Abinadi is only criticizing the wicked King for failing to follow the law perfectly despite knowing the law is going to save him.

Alma and Amulek think we are saved FROM sin-----

Basically, I could go in circles about this, I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well but these characters in the BoM just say things and in the end none of it is logical at all.

Abinadi likes to criticize and proclaim Christ even though Christ would have Abinadi forgive and not criticize.

Nephi likes to say the law ought to be done away and then proclaim Christ.

And Alma and Almulek agree with King Noah in being saved from sin, or rather obedience to the Law.

It's all just nonsense. I want to get as far away from the LDS church as possible now. Goodbye mormonism.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

A Little Book of Mormon Study

I just opened up The Book of Mormon to a random scripture to read whatever special message it might contain.

I got Mosiah 12:31 (funny number thing again).

Anyway, looking at Mosiah 12:31 where Abinadi is asking King Noah and the Priests if they think salvation comes by the law of Moses, the court responds that salvation does come by the law of moses, and then Abinadi accuses them of not even keeping the law.

At face value - this looks like the BoM is saying "salvation comes by the law of moses" but I remember reading the whole book in one week, so I'm just going to point out that I had an idea from reading this book that salvation DOES NOT come by the law (even if a quote says it does), and I started wondering what Nephi said about the law so I went to the index then 2nd nephi 25:25 thereabouts in the book.

It's interesting that Nephi believes in keeping the Law of Moses, that they are trying their very hardest to do their duty --- and how it is by grace we are saved after all we can do----- but Nephi DOES SAY

"And after the law is fulfilled in Christ, that they need not harden their hearts against him when the law ought to be done away."

Nephi also talks about how the law is actually dead (or a thing that causes death).....

So even if The Book of Mormon might "say" that salvation comes by the law, it also says the law causes death (opposite of salvation) and at some point is meant to be done away.

Yes ---- all amazing ideas, and how interesting this is when you have a Mormon culture that believes in always following all the rules and criticizing those who don't when even in Mormon scripture they say "the law ought to be done away" and stuff about constantly forgiving everything.

I think we may have had a misunderstanding in the church where we have one sect or group of believers who think it's important to do all the little and great things that the Prophets ask of us, while others of us just believe in forgiving and being forgiven and that the law doesn't really save and may not apply.

Something to think about.

So anyway: The wicked King Noah and his Priests believed the Law was means to Salvation where Nephi said the Law only brings death--- Nephi even said the law ought to be done away, while Joseph Smith teaches everything should be forgiven.

I can see how Mormons might somehow be sort of kind of Christian-like because of this --- but in so many ways anything could go wrong with any individual's interpretation. But anyway. :)

There you go. There's a law, Wicked Priests believe it's the means to salvation, while good ol' Nephi says it is a dead law that ought to be done away and Joseph Smith said forgive everything. There you go. :)

Maybe I'm still kind of Mormon. I just don't get along with the church and I don't want to bother with them anymore.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Too many things to say -- too little friends to talk to

I am so awful.

Maybe, I just happen to be real smart and therefore have a well of information to hand out - but this oil company has only a few customers.

I've got so much product - and too small an audience.

I feel sorry for my psychologist ---- I am able to shut up for certain periods of time, but lately I sent probably too many emails to the few people I like to talk to --- and now I'm just sorry that I bother the psychiatric office so much with email.

I don't have many people to talk to, and I don't want to spam anyone -- but I just have so much to say in such short periods of time that I am really sad about all that.

If I had a girlfriend --- that girlfriend might think I'm somehow weird or odd to send that much email --- so I have to be VERY THANKFUL that I have a patient Psychologist/Psychiatrist to write to, because it's that person's job to listen to me and all the messages I send might be more legitimate in their hands.

Not even church leaders can handle my email.  A girlfriend would probably think I'm "stalking" or whatever, that I'm being strange.

But, I have lots to talk about, and no one to talk to --- so I talk to my psychologist --- and it's just so nice of the psychologist to let me send email because I don't want to have to bottle up my thoughts and never talk to anyone about anything.

I OFFICIALLY APPROVE OF PSYCHIATRY. I have quietly approved of them for a long while now, but it is all too clear at this point that PSYCHIATRY is actually a GOOD AND WONDERFUL profession.

When first introduced to psychiatry --- I didn't like it at all. I had a very negative impression about what they could be. BUT NOW I REALLY SUPER APPRECIATE THEM.

Though I am smart, I do feel like I'm mentally retarded sometimes, or that there's just something wrong with my brain, or whatever, so being able to email a psychologist is just wonderful. They might not even read what I say - but the probably do and it's just wonderful to have a listening ear or someplace to record my thoughts.

Not even LDS church leaders can handle my need for friendship. Especially with how they historically weren't actually being my friends. Anywho.

I'm not a fraud - but I might've been wrong

You know my testimonies of seeing Jesus?

You know, a thought in my head appearing telling me Jesus will appear, and I walk around outside and find a man who looks like and seems identifiable as the Lord?  There may even be some usual feature about him that makes him seem magically real?

OK ---- It is absolutely true that I had these experiences, where I truly thought I had met the Saviour, and maybe I really did meet the saviour ---- but I do not really know for certain who it really was. I just thought it was Jesus. I was just told in my mind it was Jesus. But this might have been untrue anyway.

I don't have any good reason to suspect it's untrue other than "the devil creates deceptions and anything might've happened" --- it may have been real, but it may have been a deception created to trick me -- I don't know, but I'm basically just casting doubt on my own experience at this point.

It is absolutely true that I had some kind of magical experience --- and though I thought it was Jesus Christ, thought it was supposed to be Jesus Christ --- it may have been Jesus Christ, and it might not have been the real Jesus Christ. It might have been a deception, it might have been a Satanic trick.

I'm just pointing out the reality that what I thought I saw wasn't necessarily what I thought it was. I may be right that it was Jesus, I may have been deceived:::

but I want to make it clear that I really did have these experiences, the story is true, and it's true I really did think it was Jesus, it's just that it might not actually be what it seemed to be.

Just pointing that out -- just casting doubt on myself.

I have had many numerous magical experiences of truly miraculous nature ---- but I can not claim to know that it was definitely God, and I can't claim to know if it was surely the devil either.

I love God, and I hope I'll be saved. But I'm just another fool in this race, though perhaps smart enough in some ways to have these experiences, I'm not really truly smart enough to know the exact source.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Confused about how to deal with or relate to the LDS church

OK --- so after I sent a few profanity-laced messages to my stake president, and then refused to read his responses, I finally received one message from him with a subject header asking me to not send him email if I'm not going to read his.

He is being completely reasonable, and I realize I'm being a bit of a jackass by sending the "spam" and then not reading anything he has to say. It's just some strange quirk of my psychology at this point in time.

My Stake President is actually a very nice man, and I have nothing personally against him, but I just have so many psychological issues about the LDS church that I can't help but "jeer" at them.

So --- What should my personal relationship or relatability to the LDS church be? I like to be completely separate from them, so as to NEVER repeat episodes that I remember so easy and even post about on this blog - but it is clear that there was some kind of "magic" about certain individuals in the church --- they're not all screwy.

The Patriarch who gave me my blessing somehow understood very well what my potential future could be -- and if it wasn't for certain LDS people trying to make me fail/ cause me to fail I might have succeeded.

Anyway --- there really is some kind of mysterious magic in our world, and the LDS church seemed to be my channel of tapping into that --- even if I don't care to have anything to do with them anymore.

Is the LDS church from God? Is it Satan?  It seems quite possible that it's Satan --- but perhaps it's from God with Satanic influences - who knows? It's hard to tell, Joseph Smith, though often respected as a religious genius by many -- in my eyes he was an idiot.

yeah --- I know there is a "spiritual magic" in our world, and it was the LDS influence in my life that led me to it....

Anyway, it recently came to my remembrance the fact that I scored highly in school for a long time. 100% math final exam. 98% chem final exam. Award for top average grade. That sort of thing.

I guess I am, myself, a scientist, and I re-discovered telepathy. I am reasonably certain that there is a real way that information can be transferred between minds without written or spoken word.

And, as for the glowy-computer thing I reported last night ---- was that real or just hallucination? And it may have a very religious basis for having been that way in my experience.

Anyway --- for the sake of science, maybe the LDS church's magic could be studied, if they allow it (which they might not). But I just have personal psychological problems and issues with that church so I wish I could stay as far away from them as possible.

And be careful ---- they really might just be a church of Satan. It doesn't matter how much some glowy guy claiming to be Jesus Christ may have appeared to Joseph Smith or any LDS prophet --- there is always a possibility that it wasn't the actual real Jesus anyway. There is such a thing as a false christ, according to some written prophecy somewhere in the holy writ.

Anyway ---- so, I've been a real dick at my stake president, and I wish I wasn't, I should apologize, but it's also true that I really don't want to have anything to do with them anymore, and my dad would like me better if I completely stopped thinking about them.

My Stake President is a nice guy, and he's being completely reasonable asking me to quit writing to him.

I just have psychological problems and discoveries about these problems that I like to share -- and I don't read messages from the church because often I feel very bad inside when I receive these messages, I usually don't feel warm and inviting holy ghost feelings (which, according to the LDS' own doctrine, means they themselves are not trustworthy, if those feelings don't exist).

Mysterious Paranormal Light Appeared

I spent the evening wondering how the bishop of the LDS church could demand that I forgive my ballerinagirl but then demand that we not talk to each other anymore:::

to explain, in "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W Kimball, Kimball says that when you sincerely forgive someone you restore your previous compatibility with them and essentially maintain your friendship.

The Bishop told me to forgive (maintain compatibility) but to not talk to her anymore (because we're still incompatible).

It really confused me how a respected Bishop of the LDS church who cannot be criticized would instruct me to engage in an INSINCERE forgiveness of someone I loved, and insincere forgiveness is seriously frowned upon by the Lord.

I also thought about how I'll probably never get married unless I manage to make a small fortune::: I don't have enough money to have a family of my own so getting married aint an option for me ---- and then I thought about how hypocritical the LDS church is because they claim "Love one another" but then they spend 10% of their money on tithing and they demand my 10% and my whole lifetime of devotion, but they can't even be bothered to each give me a buck or two for a book I wrote.

The only way I could really afford a family at this point in my life is if enough people just each paid the small fee for one of my products. And the LDS church, with all their demands of devotion and 10% tithing, can't be bothered to pay that small fee.


After I finished thinking about those things, I then lay in bed, watching youtube videos on my iPad. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a light in my bedroom. I looked over, and I saw that an old computer I don't use anymore was Illuminated --- My old computer was actually a bright light in the darkness.

How can I explain this?? It's just so strange what I saw. My room was dark. My computer was in the darkness. But it was glowing. I saw a light emanating from my old computer - as though it were some magical force.

At the time I was looking at it glow, I thought, "gee that is really strange. But I might just assume there's a natural cause for that".  But, after a little while, without explanation or warning, my computer just STOPPED glowing. It had lit up for no explanable reason, something I had never seen before, and then after a while of looking at it the light suddenly disappeared.

I guess I might as well explain that this old computer is a 2006 model mac pro that is not hooked up to electricity and no monitor mouse or keyboard either, and it's just sitting on my table. And the whole side, the whole metal-plated side of the computer, was lit up brightly, all by itself, self-illuminated, light from who knows where.

And I can not deny this experience because I know that is what I saw.

And if it has anything to do with God, or even possibly the LDS church, who knows.

And, strangely enough, I do not feel frightened.


And to be clear::: I am not making this up -- I am being totaly 100% honest about what I saw.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

On Mormon Forgiveness in My Own Life's History

Back at a pivotal moment in my life --- where the girl I loved and her family emotionally brutalized me and dumped me, and the twin towers had fallen --- my Bishop pointed out the key doctrine in D&C 64 where we are required to forgive all men lest we are condemned of the greater sin.

So::: My girlfriend dumped me, and I'm supposed to forgive her. That means I'm supposed to FORGET THAT SHE EVER DUMPED ME. Wow.

Imagine if I forgot that our relationship had ever ended --- I'd still think we'd have a relationship - wouldn't I?

And was it really so freakin' necessary to forgive the 9/11 attackers?? I mean, by the logic of the bishop I am required to forgive ALL MEN --- which means I'm not allowed to remember the felling of the twin towers either or else I'm condemned for even worse than the terrorists.

So --- at that point the church decided that I had to go through life thinking that me and my ballerinagirl were still in love and I have to be so mentally retarded that I can't even realize our country has gone to war. And if I do remember the 9/11 disaster --- then I'm so bad I have to be sent to Gitmo.


That's LDS mormon logic for you. No wonder I was considered schizophrenic and mentally ill and all that. I'm either so mentally retarded that I have to forget certain recent events ever happened - or I have to suffer a fate worse than the offender just for remembering the recent event.

That is actually ****ed up. And yes --- I really must've been crazy at that point, to have to live under an authority who would makes decisions like that for me.

Friday, August 1, 2014

On Mormon Forgiveness and Punishment

Historically, when speaking to mormons about forgiveness, the term forgiveness is really just defined as "To not feel anger and to not remember an offence".

This meant, in conjunction with D&C 64, that if you just felt angry about something, or if you even remembered something wrong, then you are automatically condemned of the greater sin.

It doesn't matter how perfect your life was:: if you remember or have anger, you are automatically the worse person.

Of course, I have determined that this doctrine is BS - but what I really wanted to discuss was the part where the offender is punished, and then forgiven.

You see, Mormons like to punish people, and then say they forgive the offence as the offence is being punished.

To the standard worldwide definition of Forgiveness, this makes no sense at all because when you forgive someone that means you don't punish them - you let them off the hook.

But, to Mormons, forgiveness is just an anger and memory thing.

Anyway ---- there's something we forgot to mention.

THE BOOK OF MORMON SAYS that it is by the wicked that the wicked are punished.

That's right --- it doesn't matter how perfect a life you've lived, if you punish a wicked person then you are automatically wicked too.

So, mormons like to punish sins or crimes and then call it forgiveness because of their lack of anger, but they completely neglect to note that by having punished the crime or sin they themselves are also now wicked individuals.

TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST:::: I think Josoph Smith knew EXACTLY what the actual definition of forgiveness is, I think he even intended for everyone to just let EVERYTHING off the hook --- it's just that by the laws of common sense, mormons change the definition of forgiveness so they can punish something and still call it forgiveness because they need to call it forgiveness according to D&C 64.

It might seem like a wonderful idea to create a person who is upright, moral, even perfect, who always forgives all the complete crap that goes on around them ----- but in the end this DOESN'T make sense because some crimes are just so bad that they really SHOULD NOT just be forgiven.

Anyway --- the mormon church changed the definition of forgiveness so they could punish people for their sins and crimes and then still call it forgiveness anyway so they could still be in line with D&C 64 (which says you are required to forgive all men).

But --- the fact of the matter is that The Book of Mormon says the wicked punish the wicked so I think Joseph Smith always intended for all crimes and sins to be let off the hook --- because if you even PUNISH (I'm not talking about anger or remembrance) - if you just punish something then that automatically makes you wicked too, regardless of previous righteousness or perfection.

So - there you go. It doesn't matter if you are sinless and therefore capable of casting stones according to the bible -- according to the mormons you automatically become a bad person if you punish someone else, no matter how good you were previously.