Sunday, June 29, 2014

Awesome Idea!!!!

I saw an interesting article come into my inbox today.

Comes from my home city newspaper, about an idea some activists have of giving every Canadian a minimum living allowance of $20,000 per year whether they are employed or not.

I'm writing this article to say this is an AWESOME idea.

Instead of getting so much money for being disabled, I can instead have that money just for being Canadian. I think this is actually a very good idea.

People who have a will to live (and therefore also work) would be looking for opportunities to earn more money, such as jobs or entrepreneurship, while those of us who grew up in households where the main income earner has been unemployed for many years (for whatever reason) will know there is some money in the bank, and life seems less horrible.

I grew up in a family wrought with unemployment --- and it's not good. Just knowing there's not enough money for anything you would actually want (or even need) is enough to drive you insane, along with horrible social problems and a church that makes you work for your welfare. Knowing there's a minimum income in the household might have kept me from going over the edge --- and maybe I would have had a more successful life.

The idea is good because I remember seeing an article, back from the days of the Occupy movement, that said 50% of americans controlled 1% of the wealth.

This is a good idea, because as a small entrepreneur, I am saddened by how many people can't seem to afford to spend that small fee I try to charge on my products.  I get TONNES of people taking my stuff for free, but as soon as there's even a small price tag sales drop dramatically.

This minimum income idea would help business owners because then these poor people could actually AFFORD to hire the business rather than no business or theft.

It's good for the poor and unemployed so their lives don't become absolutely horrible - and it's good for those of us who try to do a little work, because then we know all of our countrymen will be able to afford some kind of service. I would be happy if everyone actually paid the small fee I ask for rather than just taking my stuff for free - you know?

Excitement! - "I" made a top 10 list!!!

I did a google search moments ago to look for any press about my videogame Pfhonge.

I found one interesting page that fills me with excitement:: 5 days ago OUYABREW.COM listed my videogame Pfhonge on their 'Top 10 Most Atari Like Games' list!

The list isn't ranked, it's in alphabetical order, but still - it's pretty cool that I actually got some press! Yay. So excited. Happy. If only more people played OUYA... sigh.

Pfhonge is listed near the bottom, if you want to take a look.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Bunch of Stuff - Maybe Repetitive

So, according to a helpful commenter on this blog, I have now realized that snazzy yellow car from the other day was a Porsche.

So::: I've got an expensive car with tourists nearby my house, Abbey Dawn Road is near my grandparents' place, when Avril befriended me on Facebook late last year the next day my father and I saw a couple pretty ladies waving at us as though they were somehow trying to be very friendly (which is unusual).

I have to say --- it is really nice to have a community out there that is at least somewhat interested, seemingly helping me through poor circumstances.

Of course, I'm trying to improve my circumstances, by trying to make some money on the internet selling books and video games. I'm not very good at dealing with stress, and I even feel a little disabled about the personal projects that I do work on.

When I was young, I'd want to sit down at the computer intending to play a video game. I just wanted to play the video game at the computer - I had no ill intention:: but for some reason as I'm booting my computer, for some reason I'd be consistently overcome by a sense of extreme sexual desire. I wasn't intending to do anything sexual:: but there was always some force acting on my mind practically forcing me to misbehave.

Well, as for trying to make some cash, yesterday I sat down at my computer with intentions to continue writing my sequel to The Eagle's Sore, I thought it would be nice if I got back to work on a project I got started on last year. Unfortunately, there just seems to be some kind of magical force that turns my brain off as I'm sitting at the computer -- a lot like there was some magical force causing me to be sexually driven.

Of course, today I sat down with Unity 3d and started playing around, seeing if I could develop another video game. I had no mental blockages this time, but my knowledge of how to use unity is at a very basic beginner level, so I didn't get very far.

Anyway ----- Now for my standard complaint::::: when I go to the local pizza place to buy a slice of hawaiian or pepperoni -- I'll pay my $4 for the slice and a drink, and then I'll drop the change I get (usually a loonie) into the tips jar.

I mean, it's no big deal to me to give that one dollar tip to that guy who helped me with a little bit of service.

But I give so much for free on the internet --- and most people can't seem to be bothered to pay that little one dollar tip for my work. I just ask for a small amount of money for the work I've done, and the vast majority of people can't be bothered to help me out.

It must mean I'm a horrible person or my product is just terrible and not worth using or something. There's just something so terribly wrong with me that it's offensive to give me a one dollar tip for my service, for my work.

Or it could be that most people on the internet or in western society are just too darned cheap.

Anyway --- I calculate that if everyone who downloaded my video games paid me the $2 I ask for and then also saw my ad and bought my novella, I'd pretty much be out of debt right now - or at least, if everyone who downloaded my book for free had actually paid for it or at least bought the sequel as well. I'm asking for just a few dollars from my various customers, and apparently that's too expensive. Sheesh.

I'd be out of debt right now in two ways: If people actually paid me for my work, or if I never made a single charitable donation in the past 4 years and didn't spend that money anywhere else. I give so much to charity that the charitable donations now account for my whole debt, but most people can't be bothered to pay a small fee or tip for the work I have done. Humph. I guess Life's not fair.

Maybe the whole world is just really-really poor and I'm just especially blessed to live in Oil-Rich Alberta.

As for my feelings about the LDS church:::: I STILL maintain my testimony of some kind of apparent magic in that organization, but it doesn't matter anymore because I'm so annoyed with the baloney that I did see that I don't care to bother with them. I've been ambivalent, perhaps still ambivalent, but I'm moving towards not going back, I'm thinking I don't care for these LDS people anymore. I don't need them. But it's true I thought I experienced something magical with them.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Somewhat Famous -- People and a Stuttgart Coat of Arms???

I guess I can tell I'm a little bit famous now.

I stepped outside my house to go for a walk when I saw a snazzy yellow car, and near it was a young couple with an infant taking pictures in front of my across the street neighbour's house.

My across the street neighbour's house (which last I checked is unoccupied) is important because of it's position near the end of The Book of Finch:: it's where Jesus Christ appeared on the night of the day of my first nephew's birth.

So, I guess I have a little bit of tourism now. Of course, I am so introverted that I don't care to interrupt any spectator's visits (for this is how it appeared to me, it looked like tourism) so I guess as it's not a nuisance, for whatever religious significance it may be to you....

As I was walking back to my house, I got a closer look at the snazzy yellow car parked nearby - it bears the Coat of Arms of Stuttgart, or at least that's the closest Coat of Arms I could find to the appearance of what I saw on the car.

Yeah - I don't know where that car came from, or exactly who this young couple with the baby was - but you don't usually see snazzy yellow cars with Stuttgart Coat of Arms on them around here.

Stuttgart is a city or location in Germany apparently. For whatever significance it might have.


I suppose I should mention there was one individual who approached me on facebook two evenings ago --- at first I tried believing this person could be authentic, but after some research and talking with psychiatry --- I ended the friendship because it really did seem like a potential fraud. Something wasn't quite right about it -- so I had to let go.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Where things are now - media

So, Twitter marketing is now aggressively targeting me to get me to market on their platform. They have high hopes, they think I have high potential.

I'm not so enthusiastic anymore, I've already spent so much on advertising and marketing and most people aren't interested --- I'm starting to feel like I could just live my life on AiSH and never worry about any popularity contests ever again.

There was a time when I thought that I could have learned guitar and become a rock star, but there was so much force acting against me that I only manage to have "representation" in the media and very little exposure to myself personally.

I thought about how if my story became a public issue - how that would reflect negatively on so many people, possibly including myself.

Then I realized that news media will create big stories and hubbubs about issues quite a bit smaller and less dramatic than my own --- so with how my life's story is legitimately a big drama on the world stage - why does news media appear to not care at all?

I mean, with all these things that happened in my life - you'd think I'd make the front page news. But I don't. My next door neighbour's death made front page news - but I remain obscure, only finding representation through artists in media.

I looked up "Kris Attfield" on youtube. Besides finding my own videos, I found Chris Hadfield singing with the Barenaked Ladies - a Canadian Pharmaceutical Research Journal run by students (music video) - and a story of Kim Kardashian being proposed to by Kanye West at an AT&T stadium.

These things are all related to me in one form or another - it's like the media representation thing, and they're all far more popular than I am too. I remain obscure. No one is interested in buying anything from me.

And of the books I have distributed - most people are disappointed with or hate my story somehow.

Maybe I should just be happy to live my life as it is, no need for anymore adventure - no campaigning in the popularity contest.

The ONLY reason I see myself ever possibly having any fame or high stature among people was because of my service to Jesus and my potential apostleship. That all fell through. Well, I can still serve Jesus ---- but I'm done with Mormonism, so I don't know how I could legitimately have a high stature in media anymore.

Yes - there was a time when I had potential, and maybe I still have potential, but I'm thinking I might let it all slide.

It's flattering to know that someone at Twitter (the company) actually thinks I have high potential, but I don't have high hopes for book sales anymore. Nobody really cares. Maybe I'm just not a good marketer - but I've spent so much already with such limited success.


I suppose I should also mention that I am either truly a legitimate case of magic, a legitimate case of insanity -- or a mixture of both.


I don't know what to do anymore. I don't handle people very well - I'm so introverted.

This Twitter marketer wants to talk to me, he wants a meeting with me, but I am very hesitant. I have no idea what good I could possibly do in the world as a famous person.

It used to be that I'd be famous whilst promoting the LDS gospel - but now I don't care for the LDS church anymore - so what would I be famous for? What good could I possibly do? What is my purpose before the eyes of the world? I have no purpose anymore. Not one that I can see right now at least. Maybe I could be a mentalist - but I'm not nearly as good as today's legitimate performers, like Kreskin.

And I don't handle stress or people very well. Maybe I should stay in my bubble. :)

Just Reminiscing is Dangerous

I wake up this morning, slightly disoriented about what day it is, and coming to a proper realization that it's saturday.

I eventually remember last night's blog post. Oh yeah: I'm having difficulty handling life and I remembered a big part of my past.

And now, I remember that if I just remember what went wrong in my life, according to mormonism I'm automatically the worse person (and I'm condemned of the greater sin) just for remembering past leaderships' bad decision making.

But then, I also remember that the church believes in forgiving unforgiveness, and that they weren't really forgiving me of my own little problem in the first place - so maybe I'm going to be OK. Who knows.

Whatever the case is: Yes - I'm done with Mormonism. The way they can tell you one thing and then completely change it later is complete bollocks.

It's like they deliberately were trying to take away, or didn't want me to receive, the blessings they said I could have. If my masturbation was really such a horrible offence, then maybe the Lord shouldn't have blessed me that way in the first place.

Just Reminiscing

Life sometimes seems to be too much to handle. And the LDS church tries to be a part of, or, a controlling/deciding factor in every aspect or facet of your life. And then you find out who your real friends are (or aren't).

I just remembered how my patriarchal blessing said I'd be an honoured and respected servant to the Lord, as a travelling preacher to the nations.

And how the Bishop decided that I had to live my life without Avril Lavigne.

So how am I supposed to be honoured and respected as a travelling preacher without ever being friends with Avril Lavigne - especially as she essentially is singing about me?

My patriarchal blessing also says I'd hear the voice of the Holy Ghost -

but then the Stake President decided that God would NEVER ACTUALLY speak by voice to me/man.


The church tells me one thing and then turns around and changes it somehow. They want to control my life, but they don't want me to have the blessings involved.

You find out who your real friends are, I guess.

Sorry if this seems repetitive, but it came back onto my mind --- and if there was any truth in the LDS church, it all went out the window as soon as they can't keep Priesthood decisions consistent (as in, they gave me a blessing that said one thing, but then they decided to turn around and make reality completely different from what they previously said).

Thursday, June 19, 2014

New Book Review (3 Stars)

So, I got a new review for my book on recently. Three stars. Title of the review was "disappointing".

Said they were impressed with how I kept the standards of the church at the beginning but my obsession with Avril Lavigne made the story silly and pointless. Got lost along the way.


My review of this review is: BRAVO!! Someone actually said something comparable to the truth about my book, and well, seeing a three star review makes me feel so much better than a one star review.

It's true, The Book of Finch is a VERY DISAPPOINTING story, it should have turned out way better than that - this person is correct. It could have been better, and yes, it is disappointing.

This review says something truthfully in a loving way without actually exposing the whole or actual truth about about where the reviewer "got lost along the way". I think I know what the reviewer is referring to, but she's not explicitly stating it in her review. Which is OK. I'm fine with that.

So, yeah, I am the happiest guy alive to get a 3 star review right now. I like that someone read my book and was courteous enough to review it in a truthful and loving manner.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Facepalm of a Twit

So, I have a little bit of social anxiety, so when I saw two new emails from twitter telling me they reviewed something on my phone, I then felt anxious about the trouble I'm in.

Well, they reviewed my ad campaign.

To be honest, this past weekend I fiddled with Twitter Ads a bit, and as soon as my credit card was entered into the system, an ad campaign I had made a long while back (before canadians were allowed) started working and I sent an ad into the wild.

Good thing:: Only a few thousand people saw the ad, only about 6 people clicked on it.

Bad thing:: The ad said The Book of Finch ebook was available for free. Dang. It's not free anymore. I accidentally falsely advertised. I am not very smart, apparently.

As for not being smart, today I stupidly tried to use the housekey to open our family van door, and I don't even have a key for the van. ??? I must be really mental or something.


Another thing to talk about:: Whenever I'm in a public place, I hear this song that mentions something about "doom and gloom", and he goes on to sing about "Marry that girl anyway".

Just these lyrics alone remind me of my bad mood that existed for a long time, and then with how I keep thinking I won't get married, well, now the radio is telling me to find a wife anyway.

I think I'm going to look up that song on the internet, maybe I'll buy it.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Seeing a Relationship - Finding an Answer

OK - so earlier today I posted in this blog about today's successful mind-reading/telepathy/mentalism attempts.

I should also note that two days ago I started drinking beer, alcohol. [edit: with psychiatric permission]

Now, what we can learn from this is that there are two possibilities for how mind reading relates to breaking the rules of the LDS baptismal covenant:

1) God/The Holy Ghost/Priesthood Power don't care in the slightest if I masturbate or drink alcohol and I still have the "super-human" ability anyway.

2) The "super-human" ability has nothing to do with God or the LDS Priesthood and is actually just a normal or naturally occurring phenomena.

I suppose people could try saying that I am working by the power of the devil myself - but to me that seems so far fetched I have no idea how that would be. Maybe - but I doubt it, cuz I love Jesus and pray to God and try to be a good person.

So, there you have it::: I totally break the rules of the LDS baptismal covenant but I still have that mentalist super-power working as well as it ever did. Yay.

A Facebook Post

I did a calculation:
If I sold 2 of my book(s) to everyone on facebook who claims to "like" The Book of Finch,
And then I sold $1.98 worth of sales per person who has downloaded either of my videogames,
and then the people with my videogames and my facebook page saw my ads for The Eagle's Sore and bought it:
I would have enough money for over a half-year's worth of income.
The only reason I don't have all that money after working my butt off and giving away so many freebies is because people are too **** cheap to afford a couple bucks for a product they express interest in.
When you see all the people buying houses and cars and iphones and ipads, I sit here wondering "how the heck is $2-$3 too expensive to pay me for my work?"
And then considering all the money I've given to charity since I started work on my books:
If I was paid for all my work, and if I never donated a cent to charity --- I would have almost enough money to buy a BRAND NEW Ford F-150.
Yes - I'm glad I donated to charity, but I'm a little stunned that people can't be bothered to pay a couple bucks for my efforts.
The human race is telling me I'm not worth ****. The LDS church is especially bad about this: they tell their people to "love one another", but all these people are content to take my stuff for free and can't be bothered to pay a dime.
Big thanks go out to all the people out there (or, the few of you) who were nice and decent enough to actually pay me for my work. Thanks.

Back to Telepathy

So, I haven't reported my telepathy for a while, partly because I haven't done much, partly because the stuff I did do didn't turn out so well. I decided that I would do another test with my father this morning and report how it went, even if I didn't do very good.

As I'm out of practice, I did number only pick 3 this time.

The first test:
I said: 8 3 (4 or 7)
His original: 6 4 8
I got ~2/3 (however you want to calculate what I did) on this test, and that was good enough to encourage me to do another test.

The second test:
I said: 2 7 5
His original: 0 2 7
2/3. Yay.

So, though it's not the most impressive mentalism ever, it's not that bad either. Helps me feel better about myself --- after so many consecutive days without a single book sale or videogame sale.

Sometimes my paranoid schizophrenic mind wonders if I'm being secretly taxed, like there were some law separating me from my sales report and money. :) I just think that way to feel better about the essential lack of monetary value in my work.

Friday, June 13, 2014

A Man of Little Value

It's been a while since I posted on my blog, and I really shouldn't send too much email, so I'll post my thoughts here.

I used to be top of the class in school.

I lost my mind, and I became pretty disabled.

I'm recovering - but I still don't handle stress very well.

It's pretty pathetic how I live in Alberta, the land where foreigners have to shipped in because of all the jobs being created - it's pathetic how I live in this wonderful province but my inability to handle stress (or whatever my disability is now) prevents me from having a job in Canada's biggest job creator.

I've done a little bit of my own work, writing books, keeping up a blog and developing video games --- but I'm really not very successful. I spend so much money in order to keep myself busy, like buying books to learn things, or advertising or doing whatever - it all costs a whole tonne of money - but when I try to sell a product for a very small price, I only find that the masses will take it only for free and very few people are willing to pay the small price to purchase.

I must be an utterly pathetic human being if I'm spending so much to keep busy, but the product of my work earns practically nothing.

I am a man of little value. I obviously create low-quality books and video games that aren't even worth spending $0.99 on.

Yes --- I'm too stressed out to work at a real job, and even if I did work at a real job, the quality of my ability is so low no employer would want me - apparently.

So sad.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Too Many Books - Not Enough Brain Power

When I was young, I used to read A LOT. I could power through books much like my mom does, beginning to end, enjoying it thoroughly.

Now, with the development of my mental illness, I love books, so I've collected a whole bunch of ebooks and hardcopies, but I can't power through them very well. I'll read a bit of each one, and take big breaks. Now I have all these books collected, only read a little bit of each, and my mind has to do other things because of a short attention span.

My most recent book order from Indigo is "Command And Control" by Eric Schlosser. It's a book that was published about two months before my game (ICBM) was released. It's a book about America's nuclear arsenal. It's published by Penguin.

Yeah - this is interesting for me, being a self published author through a company that now belongs to Penguin, and then publishing a video game about ICBMs and now seeing a book from about the same time period from Penguin that's also about ICBMs.


As for the whole idea that self-publishing companies don't report properly and like to steal royalties::: I just have to say that either all these companies perform very poorly for guys like me (in revenue), or they're all stealing.

AuthorHouse is just as honest as OUYA - I suspect. KDP, Smashwords, Lulu --- none of them sell very much product.

Either they're all thieves --- or more likely people just can't be bothered to pay for product. People will gladly take things for free - that is certain, but even a $0.99 price tag on something seems more expensive than most people are willing to afford.

Either all these companies steal, or all these companies are honest and the consumer base is just ultra-cheap.

I'm sorry I had so much suspicion. I know it's more likely that people are just ultra cheap.


As for my relationship with the LDS church ---- I don't even want to hear from my Stake President anymore. I don't read his emails. I'll send an email en masse to numerous people I've talked to (including the Stake President) complaining or talking about what I think of my experiences in the church, but when the Stake President responds I don't have it in me to read his email. I just put it in a folder called "Do Not Read".

I'm going from doing/trying my best to be LDS, to drinking coffee, wanting alcohol, and seeing all kinds of problems with the LDS church. And I don't want to read messages from the Stake President, I'm even leery about talking to anyone who is LDS. I'm surrounded by LDS people, and I do have communications with a lot of them, but religion is one thing we probably shouldn't discuss anymore because I've changed my mind about the church, and a discussion of religion would probably end in an argument.

I gave the LDS church an honest chance, a big chance, to prove itself to me --- but even though I have a personal testimony of miracles great and wonderful in that church, I've just become so annoyed with some things about it I just don't want to bother anymore.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Forgiveness and Finding Fault

So for the longest time I've been expressing my suspicion that my grandmother's ghost sexually molested me, thusly causing me to be addicted to masturbation.

No one wants to blame grandma, in line with's definition of forgiveness where you cease to blame. OK --- so like the standard LDS church often is, when something really, really bad happens your church leaders are just going to tell you "You are required to forgive it".

Now here's the thing::: Am I really required to forgive my grandmother? You see, I would never EVER have had to mention the sexual abuse if the church wasn't constantly trying to find fault with my sexuality in the first place.

I mean, first the church has to find out if you masturbate. Then, if you masturbate, they're gonna discipline you somehow. Then, when it turns out it was actually your grandmother's ghost sexually molesting you, they'll either a) forgive your grandmother or b) never blame your grandmother (which is a form of forgiveness) and you get stuck with the discipline anyway.

So - seriously - this is a church that could easily end up punishing sexual abuse victims - I know, I've lived through it.

The thing is, if the church was so intent on forgiving the sexual abuser, they should never have been investigating my sexual activities in the first place, they could have just never cared about my private time rather than constantly worrying or trying to find fault with what I do in my personal life.

Monday, June 2, 2014


I just have to say, I am mostly really impressed with my OUYA game system.

The worst thing about the OUYA is the potential controller lag. Hopefully some day they'll renew the hardware to fix that.

The second worst thing about the OUYA is that as a developer, it's really, really hard to get paid. Having had experience with self-publishing books through Author Solutions, one can become paranoid that the books are being cooked and the company is being dishonest, but I also realize it really is very definitely possible or even probable that PEOPLE ARE ULTRA-CHEAP AND CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO PAY FOR ANYTHING.

So, as for the good things about OUYA --- It is a REAL GREAT SYSTEM.  Being me, I love the free-to-try aspect, but personally, if I like a game I am not at all afraid to pay for it.

OUYA, with 1-4 REAL CONTROLLERS is actually a lot nicer than playing on a touch screen, and since it's affordable, that's even better.

I have a PS4. I have a PS3. I have an XBOX 360. I have some Macs. I have an OUYA.

My favourite gaming system is the OUYA.

Great fun to build a game, great fun to play other games, with a large selection.

The only real downsides are the controller lag and it's hard to get paid. Having experience with Author-Solutions, I am suspicious of cooked-books, but I shouldn't be accusatory so I just have to, perhaps, realize that most people can't afford $0.99.

OUYA gets a 4.5/5 star rating from me, fix the couple problems that I mention and it's a 5/5 star. Of course, you can't force people to pay for anything, so I am kind of just sad about the pitiful state of the human race in general. But anyway.


Part of my problem with making money is not only that people are ultra-cheap, but also that I'm not much of an artist, and I have difficulty making something look good. In fact, altogether making something fun to play might not be my forte. I like my videogames, but they look like crap because I'm not much of an artist. No idea how I'll fix that, unless I really try to make something by actually drawing on the computer. I've never been much of an artist though.