Saturday, May 31, 2014

Seeing the Signs - What is the truth?

I am apparently a mentally ill person.

Seeing things around me, hearing voices, looking at the media- yes that is all apparently very mentally ill, according to some definition.

Abbey Dawn Road is just a 15 minute drive from my Attfield Grandparents' house. A bit over an hour of walking to get there.

Late last year, when someone claiming to be Avril Lavigne friended me on facebook, the next day I was going through my daily routine when me and my dad saw/encountered a couple girls (pretty women too) who seemed to be more friendly than most people on the street would be.

The first girl was in the parking lot of Seven Eleven, had a cigar in her mouth, and she waved at us as we pulled in.

The second girl, according to my dad, was in a car that followed us into the parking lot, and as she parked beside us she waved at us too.

It's clear there's SOMETHING going on here, and according to some definition I'm mentally ill because of it (though I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation).

The two biggest possible explanation I have for who those two girls were are:
1) They are Avril's people, fans or employees.
2) The one I saw was pretty enough that you'd think they were angels.

Anyway, I feel so fat and lazy and almost useless in this whole adventure (I am actually a big man with much muscle under the fat, but I think my drugs make me lazy and fat, and anyway) so I just hope my brain, which is apparently not working as well as it used to, will be able to figure this out.

It helps that Alison Redford was nice to the disabled people of Alberta by increasing our disability payments and now, after some successful investments, paying off my credit card debt is in reach.

I'm not sure how having "ok" finances will help, but it's probably better than deep debt, if anything just because of how it affects me psychologically.

Anyway - yeah - there most definitely has been something going on, I'm not seeing it everyday, but I've usually got something on my mind, and I'm wondering how I'll figure it out.

It probably doesn't help that I am so freakin' shy/introverted.

On a side note, I'll just say that I really like coffee, it makes me happy. Apparently it helps you avoid diabetes. Feels like a healthy drink to me, in my mind, when I encounter it.

Friday, May 30, 2014

The Psychologically Impaired Saviour of the World

So, I've been having a lot of really good feelings lately. I can even sense that there are those out there (in my crazy telepathic-psychology) that don't feel as good as I do. Some anger, some hate, some slightly disgruntled indifference.

But I feel good.

Today I was thinking about my life, thinking about some of the aspects of what happened. Normally, I would get annoyed, angry, and very unhappy about what happened.

But today when I looked back on it, a thought entered my mind, that Jesus Christ is actually psychologically impaired. That thought was so very humorous, it was so very hilarious, I laughed and laughed, and it just kept on going, very strong laughter.

Yeah, though the thing that happened in my life wasn't so great, when you blame Jesus for the problem and then tell Him he's psychologically impaired, with the right spirit, it just seems like the most hilarious thing in the world.

Yeah - this does kind of seem like laughter or mockery at the Saviour's expense --- except this is a happy and positive response to what happened rather than the negative and angry response.

Yeah. Heh. Just blame Jesus, and when you realize how mentally-impaired the King of the World really is, you will laugh your ass off.

Sorry if it seems like I'm making fun of the mentally handicapped, but I myself, am most definitely mentally handicapped. I'm allowed to talk this stuff about my own kind of people (I would hope).

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

New Video & The Invisible "lover"

so, for anyone who cares, this morning I released a new video on youtube discussing a bit about what I understand of LDS/Mormon forgiveness policy/doctrine, this information being gathered from personal experience, research & study. The video can be seen here:  http://youtu.be/rV9YYxrR3EE

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The other thing I want to mention is that though I am on a consistent dose of psychiatric medications, and I am operating happily and thinking well, I STILL had a "hallucination" today where I was engaging in some form of sexual relationship with a person or being who was not visibly or physically present with me where I was.

At the end of the Book of Finch I refer to an "angelic girlfriend" or a "netherworld woman". Though I pretty much or almost never see this girl, and we often just keep each other to ourselves, today I had an experience where someone in the "ethereal plane" was sexually interested in me. I have no idea exactly how to explain that, or exactly who or what it was::: just know that I can feel inappropriate touching and sexual behaviours occurring.

Strange eh? Means I'm crazy - I am well deserving my disability payment. If she's actually real, well, we're past that now because society decided I wasn't allowed to believe in that kind of thing as reality. Heh.

Yes - I am apparently crazy, I can just feel it.



Of course, I suppose I should mention that on the other hand one of my cousins I met in Kingston in the past week talked to me about telepathy, and he didn't think it was crazy.

It's weird how I ran into so many people who were so sure my belief in telepathy was insane, but then my cousin just accepts that it's real, and he's apparently going into science school. It probably helps that his father, my uncle, had personal experience with telepathic reality himself and argued in one of this university papers about the telepathic reality a long time ago.

I'm not sure I'm really allowed to tell you that, but it's on my mind, so just to make it clear::: not everyone views telepathic beliefs as insane, there are those of us who KNOW it to be a reality, even if it doesn't always work and is not always replicable.

Monday, May 26, 2014

LDS Hypocrisy and Contradictions

There was a bishop a long time ago, from before the days of Bishop Stevens (fake name, character in my book) who actually deliberately pointed out D&C 88:124 "...cease to find fault one with another..."

What I mean is, a long time ago it was a bishop who pointed out this scripture from the D&C about not trying to find problems with other people.....

and then you have to realize exactly how hypocritical the LDS church is about this, because in the LDS church before you go to the temple or progress in the priesthood, get any calling or even just for the fun of it they'll take you before the Bishop and Stake President where they'll interview you for your worthiness.

Believe it or not ---- those worthiness interviews are the complete antithesis of D&C 88:124.

All those worthiness interviews are is a way for church leaders to find fault with their congregations and it's complete hypocrisy because the D&C tells us not to do that.

Do you masturbate? Yes or no question, if you do, then they've found fault with you. If you do and you say you don't, they're gonna find even more fault with you.

Do you obey the word of wisdom? Questions like that.

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And then there's how in the Book of Mormon only the wicked punish the wicked, whilst in the bible Jesus only allowed the sinless to cast stones.

And though the church seems completely unbelievable, like there's something wrong with it:::

There did seem to be a real magic, like the patriarchal blessing I got. But even then, if your blessing tells you you'll work miracles, the church leaders will tell you to go see a psychiatrist instead of defending any actual belief in said miracle.

Yup --- if there was even a remote hint of any kind of possible truth to LDS mormonism, it has all disappeared as though the LDS church was all just a complete sham.

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As a young person you don't even suspect that this church, which is loudly and repetitively hailed as the "one true church", has completely fouled up any logical thought process of thinking about how anything really should be.

As a kid you think the LDS church must be right because everyone around you says it is.

But as I've grown up, I've found this church doesn't make any sense at all. Sometimes top leaders say things that seem wise, but for the large part, the LDS church turned into a complete waste of time. It's not even slightly logical.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

WestJet Flight 667 from Toronto to Calgary

So, I just went on a nice little vacation.

Last wednesday I hopped on an airplane to Ottawa, and that flight was nice, I was comfortable. We went from Ottawa to Brocksville where I stayed up much of the night watching very repetitive white light flashes (lightning) in the sky outside our window.

Then we headed off to Kingston, for our real destination:: to celebrate my Attfield Grandparents' 65th wedding anniversary. It was awesome. I'm real proud of my family.

You know something interesting? We found and drove down Abbey Dawn Road. Despite being from Napanee, Avril named her clothing line after a stretch of road that's way closer to my grandparents' house than it is to Napanee. Kind of interesting.

So - Today I came back, I got home back to Calgary. Hopped on a plane from Ottawa to Toronto. That was great, fine.

Then it was time for WestJet 667 from Toronto to Calgary. This was the flight from HELL. I'm sure most passengers got along just fine, despite how the satellite TV didn't work the whole flight. My personal issue is this::: I am a big man, I'm 6 feet tall, I weight almost 400pounds, so I need extra leg room.

When we checked in to the flight, there were only 2 PLUS seats available on the flight: right-middle-front and the seat right behind it. My dad chose the front seat for me.

BIG MISTAKE. I AM A BIG MAN. The armrests on the front row aren't adjustable. If I had been seated in the 2nd row, I might've been able to get along, but, alas, I was stuck in the middle seat on the right side of the front row, and I was very uncomfortable for FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT.

I was the first off the plane, but I wasn't the first into the terminal. I couldn't walk very well after getting off that flight. I'm recovering now, still not perfectly recovered, but I am sure glad to be away from that airplane.

That was a very painful 4 hour straight session of sitting in the wrong kind of chair. Not even the movie theatre is that bad for me.

At the time, I figured it must've been some of the worst pain I've ever been in, although it might be hard to compare that kind of physical pain with the terrible emotional pain I once had that lasted for far longer.

Well, it's nice to be home, and now I can recover. Yay.

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In other news, it looks like a BETA version of Chain Gang Chase has been released for OUYA. This is great because I helped Kickstart that project.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Bad Habit of Flip-Flopping - or is it good?

OK everyone --- the way I think and feel on the church seems to be based on which way my mood is swinging at the time.

A lot of the time I have a very "negative" attitude about mormonism, but right now again I am feeling "positive" about them.

I recently posted on Facebook an apology with forgiveness to a friend or acquaintance I had a falling out with last year. The fact that I posted this apology and forgiveness is a sign that I am in a very good mood, and have some intellectual understanding of how the LDS church could actually be right/true/truthy.

I may have historically been very disappointed with the LDS church, and sometimes those thoughts and feelings weigh heavily on my mind, but:::

I also have an understanding of how the LDS church has some legitimacy, no matter how fouled up they are or have become.

I agree that the church is really really fouled up ---- but when you really examine the doctrine of the scriptures and compare it to the LDS church (plus I have personal experience to add on to the weight of the verdict), the LDS church can still be legitimate in some form or another, regardless of how wrong it may be or was in various different ways.

Of course, I am speaking from the perspective of a man who has experienced miraculous reality with the Mormons, so it's easier for me to have a better attitude towards them.

I completely recognize that the church is "foul" or "derogatory" in its way, but I can still love them, and even WANT to go back sometimes.

It's easy to point out all kinds of errors, and then it's really strange when you love them anyway and even have some desire to return.

I'm not gonna explain the whole thought process here - it might be kind of abstract.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

An Answer! Logically Figuring it Out

They say the church stands or falls on the testimony of Joseph Smith in the Sacred Grove meeting God.

If Joseph Smith is wrong, then there's no point in being a mormon.

In the remote possibility that Joseph Smith was right, there is still no point in being a mormon because of how completely dysfunctional that church is or has become.

Joseph Smith may have been true, though it seems very unlikely, and even if he was true - throughout history and even in present-day-lds-mormoism there is so much dysfunction and stupidity that there really is no point to go there anymore.

This is a very easy and simple answer to understand. My personal problem is that I've always got this nagging thought process in the back of my mind reminding me of the LDS church.

Why the LDS church isn't true - my patriarchal blessing

My patriarchal blessing said I'd have an especially blessed mind, and that I'd work miracles.

Before getting the blessing, I was already top of the class in school.

After getting the blessing, I descended into a funk and was physically incapable of thinking at the same level I had once been able to.

You could tell me that my inability to think properly was my own fault, due to my own unworthiness or unfaithfulness, rather than blame the church.

I was a true believer in mormonism. I did have a masturbation problem:: but does it make sense that I couldn't think properly because I was addicted to masturbation?

By the same logic:: I couldn't have a job because I masturbate. Does that make sense?

If it doesn't make sense that my lack of employment is caused by masturbation, then likewise it doesn't make sense that my brain turned off because of masturbation.

What is more likely is that the church just isn't true, and my blessings didn't happen because the church is dishonest.

Either I can work miracles, or I can't work miracles. The church said I would witness and perform miracles -- but after making that statement, all sorts of people had difficulty believing it/didn't believe it.

I'm pretty sure I have worked miracles, but there are so many people who are in complete denial about this that it seems possible that the church isn't really true.

I could have been a travelling preacher to the nations --- but my LDS bishop decided to not allow that to happen.

Basically, there are so many ways it could be understood that the LDS church isn't really true.

I used to be top of the class in school. I got an LDS patriarchal blessing that said I'd have an especially blessed mind. Then I lost my mind.

Does it make sense that my loss of thinking ability came from my own lack of faithfulness or worthiness? By the same logic, I can't have a job because I didn't believe in the church enough or I was masturbating too much to go to work. Doesn't make sense.

More likely there is something COMPLETELY WRONG with LDS Mormonism.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Awaiting a Personal Verdict on the LDS church

With all my paranormal experiences and Christ-sightings, I still have no perfect verification from any source about whether the LDS church is a true or the true church or not.

Part of my problem is I'm so scared and introverted that talking to any "divine manifestation" is difficult.

In my personal opinion, the LDS church is distasteful, there are things about it that I cannot respect or I find really hard to respect.

On the other hand, they have some good teachings and try to be good people, as well as there did seem to be a valid miraculous power about them.

No perfect indication if God/Jesus really accepts them as the true or right ones though.

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You know how Vaughn J Featherstone said the priesthood needs a pure conduit to operate in, and how in order to be pure you have to be following all those little rules?

My patriarchal blessing came from the priesthood, and opportunities my patriarchal blessing gives will only come to pass if I am faithful and worthy.

My patriarchal blessing said I would find my place among the children of men to earn a living for myself and my future family. What this means is that I'd have a job, or have some kind income, probably a job.

Am I to understand that I can't have a job because I drink coffee? I lost my ability to earn for my family because I drink coffee?

My patriarchal blessing says I'd be sealed to a companion of my choice.

Am I to understand that I can't get married because I buy lottery tickets?

My patriarchal blessing said I'd travel and preach to the nations.

Am I to understand that I can't travel and preach because I like rock/popular music?

My patriarchal blessing says I'd walk in the path of righteousness.

Am I to understand that I am unable to become totally righteous because I masturbate and have huge manly sexual urges sometimes?



Yeah - it sounds kind of like nonsense that where I go in life depends on my personal worthiness and faithfulness.

Does it make sense that I don't work for a living because I drink coffee and buy lottery tickets? I mean, technically whether or not I masturbate should have nothing to do with whether or not I work for a living or reproduce.

It doesn't really make sense - but that's what the LDS church would have me believe.


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UPDATE:

After writing the above post and eating some food, I went into my bedroom to go to bed, to think and sleep.

I was thinking about my blog post, essentially, why my patriarchal blessings couldn't or didn't come true, when I saw with direct vision a VERY BRIGHT or GLORIOUS figure of some sort, kind of a shorter figure, appear briefly, standing in the doorway of my bedroom.

I saw something bright and shiny, whitish-bluish in colour. I didn't think it was too tall, and I'm not quite sure exactly what or who it was, as I saw it only for a moment and I didn't get any clear features of the figure in my viewpoint.

Just know that I did see SOMETHING completely unnatural and abnormal just moments ago, and it definitely was not one of our house-lights. Definitely not a passing car either. Definitely something different.

The exact thoughts I was thinking were along the lines of "It's so strange how someone other than myself gets to decide who I do or don't marry, though it is supposed to be our own decision."

I'm supposed to be able to make my own choice about who I marry, but it appears that some 3rd party gets to make the final choice on my behalf. So strange.

I was thinking about how I am Avril Lavigne's sk8er boi because I wasn't good enough, but I couldn't marry her because I wasn't good enough. I then realized that that explanation doesn't make any sense and was not in fact the explanation used at the time - it was actually just because she's a bad musician that I couldn't be with her.

I actually have another reason that's not in The Book of Finch for why I couldn't be with her, but since that reason only appeared in my telepathy, and it is not physically verifiable at any point in history thus far, I do not repeat that reason.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Loving those who fall short

One of my personal problems in my life was my attraction to being so angry at the Mormons because of how foul they are.

There are good Mormons, people who one can respect, but there are a lot of Mormons who make mormonism just seem so foul that it's not hard to start to become "angry" at them or with them.

But I realized something, even with all their devious and foul attitudes and behaviours, the proper Christian thing to do is to LOVE them, even with all their horrible imperfections.

I may not believe that you need to be mormon to be saved, but I do also believe that MORMONs CAN be SAVED.

Basically, the simple reason I'm making this post is to say that I now realize we can love the Mormons, even if it is very - very difficult, we can love them, regardless of how extremely foul and derogatory their people may be.

I made the mistake of being angry at the people who raised me. Though it is true that they are horribly flawed, it's also true they were never meant to be totally perfect, and I/we can still Love them anyway. Yay.

Friday, May 9, 2014

There is such a thing as a good LDS person

I have so many psychological issues with the Mormon church it often seems that I myself am just criticizing them.

But I have to say, that there are those good, more decent, well-thought individuals in the LDS church who give me a hope of impression that there might've been any truth in this organization.

They're not all perfect, but these individuals just give a sense of truth and decency to an organization that I see as being particularly flawed in so many ways.

I'm not sure I can, will or should name them all individually here, but a real good example of an LDS person who gave me a really good impression of the LDS church is:

Gerald Melchin the ex-Patriarch of Calgary West Stake.

Basically, if there is anyone in the church who is divinely inspired or at least somehow genius, it's this guy. If there was any hope of finding a truth about the LDS church, that hint of reality could be found through this aged patriarch.

There are numerous others who help me understand that mormons aren't all bad, or that not all mormons are bad. And it's true that in thinking efforts, the negatives often gain more attention than the positives ---- But there is Good, there are positives in that field of weeds.

It's good to know and remember the good people. If only the good people had made the strong and lasting impression on my mind about the church - that would have been awesome.

Different people face different experiences, and perhaps I was just unfortunate to find all the LDS garbage.

It's good to know there is good in the LDS church though.

Senseless Judgment

In LDS Mormonism, things like drinking caffeine, masturbating, buying lottery tickets and using bad language (essentially, words that mean "bad" things) is constantly berated, criticized and condemned.

The church criticizes very small things constantly.

I mean, in Mormonism, even Homosexuality is instantly frowned upon, instantly condemned.

But you know what? Here's a list of sins which are supposed to be instantly forgiven according to the church:

Bearing false witness
Murder
Denying the Holy Ghost
Controlling Behaviour
Anger

I have had personal experience with all these things, seeing the instant condemnation for little "mistakes" that might not necessarily even be wrong, whilst actually witnessing teachings and leadership decisions that just forgive completely terrible behaviour.



How is it the church criticizes little things and then just forgives big crap?

How is it that normal "human condition" problems, like just being human such as masturbation or homosexuality are so instantly condemned while vicious conscious choices that are not biologically based are just forgiven?

You are abusing someone because of how God made them, but then you completely forgive someone's individual vicious and conscious choice?

I'm sick of the church. My father is sick of the church. My family is sick of hearing about it.

Hopefully I can shut up for the next several days or however long, at least a few days I hope.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Constitutional Freedoms and the Book of Mormon's "Title of Liberty"

The Mormons constantly tout the Title of Liberty in The Book of Mormon and Captain Moroni who created it as symbols of freedom and the ideal of not being controlled.

What I mean is, when I grew up in the LDS Priests' quorum, Captain Moroni and the Title of Liberty were idolized as some kind of ideal.

I mean, what I'm about to say here is:: the church is full of bark, but has no bite. They preach but they don't practise.

Why do I say that?

They are constantly telling you about all your freedom and Liberty, but to be bluntly honest, the church is actually a force of control and manipulation rather than an organization securing freedom and liberty.

Think about it.

In the LDS church: there are certain words you are not allowed to say right? We know what these 4 letter words are, right?

Well, in true freedom, with true liberty, we can say whatever we want.

The US constitution has something about Freedom of Speech in it. Locally, Alberta has a Bill of Rights that allows freedom of speech.

And though the LDS church says whatever they want about all their freedom and liberty, in reality you don't really have freedom in the LDS church. You could lose your job with the LDS church for using bad language, for example.

They say you have freedom and liberty, they celebrate freedom and liberty, but in fact they are just trying to control the things you say.

Here are other things the church likes to control:

The church controls who you are friends with, contrary to freedom of association.

The church controls what you think, contrary to freedom of thought.

The church controls what you believe, contrary to freedom of belief.

The church controls what you publish and view in media: contrary to freedom of the press.




Basically, the LDS church is just a big hypocritical organization that likes to toot its own horn about all the wonderful freedoms and liberty we have, and then they do the opposite of protecting freedom and just try to control every little facet of your life that they think is important to control.

It's just hypocrisy. So sad.

Monday, May 5, 2014

I'm an idiot too - we all make mistakes

I just had a little episode in my life where I must confess that I am also capable of idiocy, that I am not perfect and I make embarrassing mistakes as well.

Yesterday I received a pending transaction on my credit card worth about $60 from XBox live.

I hadn't used Xbox live for a long time, and I received no receipts in my email, so I thought the charge must've been fraudulent.

So I sent a premature message to my credit card company advising them I thought there was a bit of fraud going on.

I also tried to play Battlefield 4 on my PS4 only to find that I couldn't get on a server.

At this point I figured I must've been hacked, had my credit card numbers stolen and someone was banning me from playing a favourite game, so I went into chat with a PlayStation agent and told him about it. He said he'd note it.

I am such an idiot.

Today after receiving a response from my credit card, I then turned on my Xbox 360. I waited for all the updates to install, and then I checked my account - apparently my Annual renewal of XBox Live Gold had just happened recently.

I thought I had cancelled the renewal. maybe I falsely remembered.

Also:: Microsoft did not email any receipts to me. There was absolutely no email contact from microsoft about the renewal. Understandably, I was confused.

So, I sent a message to my credit card telling them it was a false alarm.

I hope Sony doesn't take my little report of oddity too seriously.

I am such an idiot. But, I have an excuse: I usually had my renewal at the beginning/end of the year, and I think microsoft gave me a few extra free months. Also, there was no receipt.

But that was pretty stupid. Doh.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

They Promised What they Cannot Provide - and then it's my fault they broke the promise

It's been a while since my last blog post, so I will just share some thoughts I had with my father a few moments ago.

On barnes and noble, someone reviewed The Book of Finch and gave it one star rating. In their review, they said:

'his assertion that the church should have "given" him a wife ... indicate that he needs ongoing help.'

I then said I didn't actually say anything about the church "should have given me a wife" in my book. The closest I came to saying such a thing was to say that "the church was too retarded to provide me with a wife".

My Dad then said that the church can't provide anyone with a wife, essentially, I was wrong to think that the church should actually be handing me a woman.



But then, just look at my patriarchal blessing:: It says that I'd be sealed to a companion (a wife) of my choice and enjoy raising sons and daughters.


So ---- am I to understand that the church promised me a wife, but then were completely unable to actually provide me with one?

The church promised me with something that they are actually completely unable to provide.

The logic of "I will give you this even though I can't actually give you this" is absolutely sad/stupid.

The other really stupid thing about the patriarchal blessing is that though they promised me with something they can't actually give me, if the promise doesn't come true then apparently it's something wrong with me rather than something wrong with their inability to actually provide the promise.


I'm blamed for being promised something that the promiser couldn't provide. Wow.


Anyway - being promised that I would be sealed to a companion of my choice, it is to be understood that the church would actually be able to provide this companion.

And now I'm a bad man for expecting someone to fulfill their promise.

And it's my own fault the church wrote me a cheque that bounced. Wow.