So, I'm sitting here having the same old thoughts about the past, things that happened over 10 years ago, things that have pretty much always been present on my mind for 10 years.
Seems like such a waste of time doesn't it??
Well, after having been told all my life that the LDS church is the ONE TRUE CHURCH I can't help but have a brain-problem with what happened after how stupid it was. The One True Church is apparently not very smart, which makes me wonder about the whole "true" thing, but anywho.
So, here are some of my recent thoughts:::
It's strange how I was supposed to be a travelling preacher to the nations, but though I were to serve the Lord from an international perspective, somehow I had to do that job without ever being friends with Avril Lavigne. I'm supposed to do all this travelling and preaching - and I can never have anything to do with Avril Lavigne, according to the bishop, who is so perfect he cannot be criticized.
Yeah --- as near as I can tell Avril Lavigne was actually the way I'd get to that travelling and preaching, especially as it appears that she sings about me, but the bishop just had to decide against it.
One of the horrible flaws I've seen in the LDS church leadership and membership is a complete unwillingness to accept the truth of a story or relationship. For some reason I'm always accused of complete dishonesty even though I always try to be perfectly honest. So sad.
Anyway, I don't know how I was supposed to be a travelling preacher to the nations without ever being friends with Avril Lavigne so I'm guessing that the church decided to take away my patriarchal blessings.
Either the PB was never true, or if it was true then the church was just going to take it away from me. Why? As near as I can tell::: because the church perceived that I wasn't "perfect enough".
So, either you will be belittled and berated about not being "perfect enough", or if the blessing came true and you became a miraculous supernatural god-like being you'll just be drugged because of the apparent insanity involved with that type of thing.
Anyway, yeah, so I wasn't quite perfect, and the church had to be all belligerent about my little imperfection insomuch that they'd take away my blessings, and they're not forgiving my little imperfection even as they let completely unreasonable senseless and very stupid anger off the hook --- they forgive senseless anger as they punish me for a little imperfection.
Which brings me to my next thought::
One explanation Annie Liability gave for her break up with me was because she didn't want to marry me. Am I supposed to understand that her parents forbade her from communicating with me in any form just because she didn't want to marry me? That seems a bit harsh and unreasonable ---- let's get the cause and effect straight, it doesn't really make sense that "I didn't want to marry you so my parents forbade me from ever talking to you", I mean, maybe that might've happened, but it seems a bit of an extreme reaction to the good friendship we were having. It's more likely that "My parents forbade me from ever talking to you so now I don't want to get married". That makes a lot more sense.
As for how much we ever wanted to marry each other, well, it's clear that I wanted to marry her, but if she NEVER wanted to marry me, if she never had any romantic intentions for me, then why did she keep trying to get me to attend church dances???? She was from a completely different stake -- how is it that she wants to dance with me without EVER having ANY romantic intentions??? To my mind, wanting to dance with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are not already related either means you're doing it for performance, or in the case of a church dance, it's preliminary to dating or even while dating and has everything to do with romantic intentions.
Yes - I am very confused by things. And it is actually very sad that all this garbage has consumed my thoughts for ten years, and all the emails I've sent about it garner little response --- in fact, people just like to completely disbelieve in my story, as though I was never right about any of it, but my memories are clear, and I don't want to be bothered with the "one true church" if they can't accept the basic truth of some of the events of my life. And then they just forgive complete garbage whilst holding me to account for very little sins.
Anyway. At least I decided not to write an email about this.