I can never really discuss these things with my father because ever since many years ago he's always responded with a lack of discussion, always something about how he doesn't want to talk about, well, pretty much anything.
I'm sitting here with a psychological need for discussion --- but my father NEVER or RARELY fulfills that need. And I have no friends, no wife, no girlfriend. All I have is a psychiatric doctor and nurse who I see once every 3 weeks.
So, I write on my blog.
I'm not a doctor. But having been treated by psychiatric doctors, I know enough now to know that BODY CHEMISTRY, has EVERYTHING to do with sexual desire, sex drive.
When I was young, I was very much addicted to masturbation. I HAD to do it --- I was always driven every so often to have sex - I had a huge sex drive.
Growing up, the church always told me that having this sex drive should never lead me to any form of sexual activity. The church seemed to understand, in the words of Vaughn J Featherstone (A Self Inflicted Purging) that there is a sex drive --- but they considered it to be a devilish idea that you had to give in to that sex drive, they considered masturbation to be so bloody wrong. The correct thing to do is to NEVER engage in any form of sexual activity, and to "transmute" those urges to other things, other activities.
My problem was that I've never fully understood why masturbation is so wrong, and why we must be saved from it. What is the seriously ill effect of masturbation that society must be saved from? The question to that answer still eludes me today. The church also never explained exactly how or why or where we were supposed to "transmute" those sexual urges. I ended up being very suicidal about having a serious urge and serious feelings that I could never get rid of until I've masturbated - which is against the rules.
So - What I've learned::: After a few years of being on the psychiatric drug "Risperdal Consta" and then getting off the drug, I found that my sex drive actually DISAPPEARED after YEARS of MEDICAL INTERVENTION involving a chemical that somehow affected my body to lose its sex drive after I stopped taking it. And eventually I was put on other drugs like "Clopixol" or "Zeldox" which actually cause serious, serious sexual desire. Clopixol and Zeldox could likely be considered to be some kind of serious "aphrodisiac".
So, when my natural body chemistry, or my psychiatrically-altered body chemistry, has so much testosterone or whatever chemical in me, how exactly did Elder Featherstone really expect me to "transmute" the feelings and urges caused by these chemicals to "other things"???
I mean, this is just science, body chemistry. I'm supposed to somehow cause chemicals in my body that cause serious sex-drive to do something else in my life. I am somehow supposed to change the purpose and function of these chemicals, according to Elder Featherstone.
And of course I have no idea how, and in the end it just looks like some kind of magical fantasy that Elder Featherstone was having because of his idea that certain chemicals can somehow change the way they react with the human body, going from being sexually driving chemicals into something else.
I've learned that if you have those chemicals in your body, you have to be a supernatural-godlike person in order to change those chemicals into something else so you are no longer sexually driven, or you are just a normal human and you have a huge sex drive just because of your chemistry - and nothing will change that.
And if you are so supernaturally-godlike that you can change your own body-chemistry just by "willing it to happen", then you are, of course, so freakin' insane that you have to now see a psychiatrist and take more drugs.
There you go.