Monday, March 31, 2014

No Fault Psychiatry

I woke up this morning and had a quick thought:

Isn't it strange how when I had my breakdown how people couldn't attribute my breakdown to "poor social treatment" but instead referred to how my brain just doesn't work and I'm crazy?

Rather than dealing with being abused by the parents of a girl I loved or being over-shamed by church leaders about a relatively harmless "defect", they decided to concentrate on an idea that my brain just didn't work anymore without trying to solve social issues or blaming any actual cause of my despair.

And not only could they never point the finger at any responsible parties --- no one could accept the possibility that I'd ever be a seriously blessed individual who works miracles or is seriously honoured and respected.

It was a situation where they don't bother to blame any actual guilty party, whilst at the same time completely disrespecting my patriarchal blessing as hallucination and grandiose delusion.

I was all just a situation where my brain doesn't work, and I need to take drugs to be fixed. No actual imperative to deal with the way I was treated by people or recognition of special religious beliefs.

It was all my problem. It was all just my own brain. Nothing to do with people saying unkind things to me and treating me badly. Right?

If there was any recognition of the actual cause of the problems, like the way my old female friend had treated me --- well, Avril Lavigne seemed to recognize this issue but everyone who was "in charge" of me would prefer to ignore her and remove her from my life rather than let her deal with the actual issues at hand. In fact, Avril Lavigne can be seen as a fulfillment of my patriarchal blessing as well --- but no one can actually let me have that, it's just a grandiose delusion, right?

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Brain Distress

So, I'm sitting here having the same old thoughts about the past, things that happened over 10 years ago, things that have pretty much always been present on my mind for 10 years.

Seems like such a waste of time doesn't it??

Well, after having been told all my life that the LDS church is the ONE TRUE CHURCH I can't help but have a brain-problem with what happened after how stupid it was. The One True Church is apparently not very smart, which makes me wonder about the whole "true" thing, but anywho.

So, here are some of my recent thoughts:::

It's strange how I was supposed to be a travelling preacher to the nations, but though I were to serve the Lord from an international perspective, somehow I had to do that job without ever being friends with Avril Lavigne. I'm supposed to do all this travelling and preaching - and I can never have anything to do with Avril Lavigne, according to the bishop, who is so perfect he cannot be criticized.

Yeah --- as near as I can tell Avril Lavigne was actually the way I'd get to that travelling and preaching, especially as it appears that she sings about me, but the bishop just had to decide against it.

One of the horrible flaws I've seen in the LDS church leadership and membership is a complete unwillingness to accept the truth of a story or relationship. For some reason I'm always accused of complete dishonesty even though I always try to be perfectly honest. So sad.

Anyway, I don't know how I was supposed to be a travelling preacher to the nations without ever being friends with Avril Lavigne so I'm guessing that the church decided to take away my patriarchal blessings.

Either the PB was never true, or if it was true then the church was just going to take it away from me. Why? As near as I can tell::: because the church perceived that I wasn't "perfect enough".

So, either you will be belittled and berated about not being "perfect enough", or if the blessing came true and you became a miraculous supernatural god-like being you'll just be drugged because of the apparent insanity involved with that type of thing.

Anyway, yeah, so I wasn't quite perfect, and the church had to be all belligerent about my little imperfection insomuch that they'd take away my blessings, and they're not forgiving my little imperfection even as they let completely unreasonable senseless and very stupid anger off the hook --- they forgive senseless anger as they punish me for a little imperfection.

Which brings me to my next thought::

One explanation Annie Liability gave for her break up with me was because she didn't want to marry me. Am I supposed to understand that her parents forbade her from communicating with me in any form just because she didn't want to marry me? That seems a bit harsh and unreasonable ---- let's get the cause and effect straight, it doesn't really make sense that "I didn't want to marry you so my parents forbade me from ever talking to you", I mean, maybe that might've happened, but it seems a bit of an extreme reaction to the good friendship we were having. It's more likely that "My parents forbade me from ever talking to you so now I don't want to get married". That makes a lot more sense.

As for how much we ever wanted to marry each other, well, it's clear that I wanted to marry her, but if she NEVER wanted to marry me, if she never had any romantic intentions for me, then why did she keep trying to get me to attend church dances???? She was from a completely different stake -- how is it that she wants to dance with me without EVER having ANY romantic intentions??? To my mind, wanting to dance with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are not already related either means you're doing it for performance, or in the case of a church dance, it's preliminary to dating or even while dating and has everything to do with romantic intentions.

Yes - I am very confused by things. And it is actually very sad that all this garbage has consumed my thoughts for ten years, and all the emails I've sent about it garner little response --- in fact, people just like to completely disbelieve in my story, as though I was never right about any of it, but my memories are clear, and I don't want to be bothered with the "one true church" if they can't accept the basic truth of some of the events of my life. And then they just forgive complete garbage whilst holding me to account for very little sins.

Anyway. At least I decided not to write an email about this.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Determining Authenticity

I know it's easy to question my claims of having seen Jesus Christ in person.

Now that years have passed, it is easier for my mind to look back on my personal experiences with skepticism - especially as I've seen numerous "christ-like" guys on the street but none of them are the same as the guy I initially identified.

Back when I had the sightings, I was pretty certain of who I was looking at, now looking back, I realize there may have been a possibility I was wrong, if even just from my mind becoming a little more doubtful.

Of course, if you could only see what I saw through my eyes when I was seeing it -- you would entirely understand why I identified the individual as Jesus Christ.

Am I saying I was wrong? No - I'm saying maybe I'm not very good at the identification. I'm saying I might've been wrong, except even now still on my memory I'm still kind of thinking it could have been the Lord.

My 2008 experience when Jeffery R Holland was in Calgary is still clear in my memory, and I know that when I saw the guy, I immediately recognized him to be Jesus Christ, if even just because he looked like the painting, because I had been told in my mind that I would see Him soon, because as I followed him down the street I heard voices talking catching fish although there was no one else about. Just me and this guy who looked like Jesus, and some mysterious circumstances about it - like hearing voices coming from nowhere talking about catching fish.

I mean, I have some VERY good reasons to believe the guy I saw in 2008 was Jesus Christ, and if the guy in 2008 was Jesus Christ then so was the guy I saw in 2004, and the guy in 2006 may have been too.

Then in 2010 I sincerely experienced a very spooky visitation, who was supposed to be Jesus Christ according to the inspirations I received, and for all I know it really may have been Jesus Christ.

Of all my experiences, the most likely to actually have been Jesus Christ was the 2010 experience, and then the 2008 experience, which means 2004 and 2006 could also be true.

I suppose my skepticism comes from more recent times when I'd be wandering in my community and see the odd guy every so often that i would immediately wonder if the man was Jesus Christ, but I have made no certain positive identifications. I just had wonderings.

Going back years ago my memories are clear and I know what I know -- and I still think it could have been real --

but more recently if I've had a sighting it's been a lot more difficult for me to feel very positive about the identification, if I've had a recent sighting since October 2010, the possibility remains in my mind that I may be wrong. I am completely uncertain about anything that happened after October 2010, I've had numerous possible sightings, but nothing too rememberable and I'm not really certain about any of them.

Of course, one thing I and my father are certain about is this::: late last year when "Avril Lavigne" (either the real Avril or an identity thief) friended me on Facebook, the day after she friended me I went on my daily routine to 7 Eleven, where my father and i saw some girls who appeared to be "overly-friendly" towards us.

No clear idea what that was either, but we had the experience for certain.

Avril Lavigne friends me on Facebook one night, and the next day my dad and I see these girls who seem to be somehow interested in us.

I'm still not sure what it was, I've had theories like they were Avril Lavigne's people saying "hi" or maybe these women were angels of some sort. No real idea.

Friday, March 28, 2014

An Unattainable Requirement

I've been thinking for a while about how proved or disproved the LDS church is and how this relates to my personal life.

The LDS church REQUIRES its youth to not or never masturbate.

In my Youth - I could never avoid serious strong urges and feelings that inevitably led to masturbation.

Certain church leaders or members teach that you MUST resist any urges to engage in any form of sexual activity.

The problem for me is that those feelings are so strong that if you never give in to the urge --- well, you face the problem of how to deal with consistent and persistent feelings - very strong feelings -- feelings so strong it can be difficult to concentrate on anything. It'll drive you mad.

Anyway, the only reason I made my deal with God where in exchange for my exaltation I would serve God for the rest of my life was to save me from the masturbation problem that developed in my life.

That's right - I made a deal so I could get married, be perfect, essentially be saved from the masturbation problem - by serving God for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, the church didn't let me marry (as they were supposed to) and God has never bothered to completely save me from masturbation --- so I see no real point in giving any of this service I would have given.

I offered my whole life in service, and God and the church did squat to help me --- therefore I need not serve.

Is the church proved or disproved?

There is a LOT of evidence against the church --- in fact, in so many ways I don't care to deal with LDS Mormonism.

The only evidence FOR the church that I can think of right now are A) The patriarch seemed to know of my deal with God and put it in my blessing. B) The patriarchal blessing could have potentially come true, if only certain church people didn't deliberately undermine it. C) I saw a vision when I got the blessing and D) I could pray to God and apparently get responses from General Authorities giving talks, although this may have just been God telling me what the talks were before they were given.

So, there are so many ways in which LDS mormonism doesn't work.  There are some ways in which it seemed plausible, mostly pertaining to the Patriarch or other high-ranking church leaders, but all of that comes to nothing because local leaders couldn't be bothered to actually allow my blessings to come true.

The church required something that was pretty much impossible for me to obey. Maybe they were punishing me for it --- but that's a little sad because the rule is commonly broken by almost everybody, and nobody is going to heaven if you have to enforce it so strictly.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

More FARGO closer to home

So, I was in my house today, and I suddenly felt very energetic. So, I decided I would go for a walk, even though it's slightly cold outside (I prefer a warmer temperature). So I go one way down my street, only to find that yard with no fence with an unattended dog guarding. I thought that was annoying, because dogs really bug me and I didn't want to risk going by with no fence containing the dog, so I turned around and walked the other way past my house. And then, I decided maybe I'd walk down Bowness road to get some exercise.

Well, down the other end of my street I saw more police cars and white vans and stuff, which I already know means that FARGO is near by.

So, as I was walking towards Bowness Road, I saw a dirty police car drive down Bowness Road, but I don't think it was a Calgary Police Car.

The reason I don't think it was Calgary was because all the other Calgary Cars in my sight at that moment had flashing lights, whereas this one was not flashing. As well::: the markings on the side looked different, I didn't immediately recognize it as Calgarian, even if it did seem to be slightly similar in ways...

well, Calgary Police cars usually appear to be very clean in my memory, while this police car was very dirty and it had something different about the markings that didn't look like normal Calgary Police service.

When I told my dad, having come back to the house, he figured maybe it was a prop for the movie.

Anyway, as I was walking down the street towards Bowness Road, I felt kind of intimidated by all the police cars with their flashing lights, so I turned around and went back home.

Not that any of this is really important: I just thought I saw a dirty police car that wasn't marked for the calgary police service. That's all I thought I saw.

Great Telepathy with Father for two days

so, yesterday I did some telepathy with my dad and got 1/3 in two tests, doing only two tests.

Today I did another three tests with my father:

1) I said: whoops, my notes are disorganized and I can't be certain what I said in my results or what his original was, but I remember on this test I got 0/3 correct.

2) I said: 4 E G
He said: 9 G M

Yay, another 1 out of 3.

3) I said: (U or O?) (2 or V?) C
He said: R C 5

So I got the C on this one, 1/3 again. 2 is kind of like a mirrored 5.

Anywho, so in two days, I did 5 tests, and in 4 of those tests I got 1/3 results.

The odds of doing that well in 5 tests are: 1 in 28268 - if I'm doing my math correctly. As a percentage, the chances are 0.003537%.

So I've done pretty well. I'm not totally impressive by getting 3/3's or 2/3's, but 4/5 1/3's is pretty darned good.

FARGO remake shot in local community

Mary's Corner Store in Bowness was recently torn down because of last years flood. Of course, Mary's Corner Store is famous for being a location for the decades old movie "Dead Bang". I never saw that movie.

This is one photo I took of a new movie being shot in Bowness::: apparently they're remaking FARGO, and they're using a Bownesian storefront as a set.

If you look really closely at this photo (which you might not be able to because of the published resolution) the storefront is "ULIS Sporting Goods". That is an unusual store to be seen in Bowness.

This is just kind of exciting for me, to see a movie being shot in my community. I was just making my regular trip to the local 7 Eleven to get one of my favourite drinks. It's kind of exciting because of my personal relationship with the movie industry -- being a Cineplex Shareholder.

Is it wrong for me to publish what I learned here? I don't know - I'm just blogging, and this is my news.

I'm not sure what FARGO is about, I don't remember even seeing the earlier version, though I think I have heard of it before. No idea.

Monday, March 24, 2014

The Pure Conduit for the Priesthood?

According to Vaughn J Featherstone, the LDS priesthood needs a PURE conduit in order to operate, in other words you have to be perfectly worthy for the LDS priesthood to work through you.

Well, a few days ago I posted a post saying that this method of "transmuting" the urges worked for me. Then I took the post down, because after two days the method STOPPED working. I am a sinner.

I am a sinner according to Elder Featherstone because a) I have that sexual problem, b) I skipped church, and c) I drink caffeine, and, in fact, I drink coffee as well.

OK --- so if you need to be pure for the priesthood to operate, it is clear that according to Elder Featherstone that I am NOT pure.

But --- if I am not pure, which I have never or hardly ever been since Christmas 1998, then how is it that I am so freakin' good at being a mentalist??

OK - I'm not a very good mentalist ---- but I have clearly demonstrated that I am capable.

Just this morning my dad and I did one telepathy test:

I said: Q R E
He said: P Q 3

I got the Q, the 3 is like the E, and R and P are also comparable. I did a real good job here.

Anywho, we did one test and I did pretty darned good, considering how impure I am.

So ---- according to my LDS patriarchal blessing my ability to work miracles comes through the PRIESHOOD.

But I am not pure, and you need to be pure for the priesthood to operate.

So --- why am I able to read minds and even transmit thoughts (and this is scientifically provable, regardless of how much psychiatrists NEVER accept that possibility) even though my priesthood supposedly doesn't operate properly?

What is it about my natural mind that allows me to think this way if it's not the priesthood.

OK --- obviously you don't need to be an LDS priesthood holder to do these things, Kreskin, Mavin and Brown are not mormons but they are all famous mentalists.

Obviously the mental-ability is rooted in natural science and not the LDS priesthood. If it is because of the LDS priesthood that I have this ability (which might be true - but that's a stretch) then obviously Vaughn J Featherstone was WRONG because I shouldn't have this ability through the priesthood if I am impure.

So ----- basically, there are just a number of ways Elder Featherstone could be criticized for giving this talk:::

1) He says it's wrong to leave church meetings early
rebuttal: Elder Monson was told by the Holy Ghost to leave a church meeting early. I'm just referencing his story.
2) It's wrong to drink caffeine.
rebuttal: My sister's brother-in-law is a bishop, and I was told by my sister's husband that he received a letter from the first presidency telling everyone that drinking caffeine is not actually wrong.
3) It's wrong to masturbate.
rebuttal: as even Vaughn J Featherstone recognizes in his own talk::: Most people (or guys at least) DO masturbate, or HAVE masturbated. All I can say is that those feelings can be so strong that it's absurd to think that you have every ability to resist. I'd say masturbation is actually a safety valve against fornication or sexual assault.

What's interesting is, according to one commentator on this blog about why masturbation is wrong, it's wrong because those feelings are supposed to be reserved for between you and your spouse only.

According to the bible, one story in the old testament where they put a man to death for masturbating, it was actually wrong because he was supposed to be reproducing.

Anyway, if you knew what it was like to be me, it's just ridiculous to expect me to never masturbate from the age of 14 until I come home from my mission and get married::: those feelings are way too powerful. My wife would just have to live with that.

But yeah, anyway, --- I am a mentalist despite not being a pure conduit of the priesthood according to Vaughn J Featherstone, and according to Featherstone that means I can't use the priesthood.

Therefore mentalism has nothing to do with the LDS priesthood. Or whatever.

Just a thought.

(or maybe Elder Featherstone was just wrong. I actually watched the video of him giving the talk --- he seems to be very, well, he seems like a bully to me when he gives the talk).


Talking to my dad about why I have this ability, he says I'm gifted - that I have a gift. This must be some kind of thing where it's like a 'gift of the spirit' or something.

I did a 2nd telepathy test with my dad just now (2:15pm).

I said: MT(A or 4)
He said: Z7A

I got the A right, and the T is like the 7. The Z and M are also comparable, but N would have been better than M.

Anywho -- we've done only 2 tests today, and on both of them I got 1/3 right, doing alpha-numeric pick 3, which is harder than regular number pick 3.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Options and an Answer

So, I was thinking out loud about that voice I thought I heard that said "She's with you" to me in relation to Avril Lavigne back in late 2002.

I came up with three options:

1) The devil told me that.
If the devil told me to be with Avril Lavigne, then Avril Lavigne must be some kind of very very wrong or bad person, and therefore she will never come to heaven and have no chance of salvation.

2) It was a brain chemistry problem.
If it was a brain chemistry problem, then this whole business my patriarchal blessing told me about working miracles, hearing the voice of the holy ghost, and being a travelling preacher to the nations can't and won't happen because I'm actually just insane. Yes - the patriarch told me a bunch of stuff would happen, but it actually can't happen because of how my brain doesn't work, despite having grown up the smartest boy in the class in school.

3) It actually was the holy ghost.
If it was actually the Holy Ghost, then the past bishop I had was completely "full of it" because he said God would never have said that, over how wrong Avril Lavigne's clothes are. If it was the Holy Ghost, then it was an act intended to spread the work of salvation, saving Avril, saving me, saving whoever it could. And the bishop was not right because he didn't believe the holy ghost would say this.

When I asked my dad which of these options it was, he actually decided that it was option #3 - that my church leader was wrong and that the holy ghost very well could have told me that Avril is with me, or that I'm with her, or whatever.

THAT MEANS--- I could very well get married, because, yet again, we are determining that this diagnosis of just plain insaneness is actually wrong.

So -- according to my own father, I was probably right that the Holy Ghost said that. The bishop was wrong.

In fact, in a past discussion my dad and I determined that I really should have been with Avril, just because of how many different problems that would have solved. Awesome.

So, yeah, I was forced to obey a church leader who was either being a jerk or didn't know what he was talking about, and that church leader can't be criticized for giving me problems - because it's my problem and other members of my ward can't allow themselves to think or deal with it in any form.

At least I'm not just insane. Maybe I can get married.

And it really is too bad that hindsight is what made it 20/20 here --- all along I've made my point, and I'm only suddenly understood years later. At the time it was an important issue, no one cared to listen to me.

So sad.

A Strange Comparison

I think this is very strange:::

The church told me I'd hear the voice of the holy ghost in the patriarchal blessing. When I heard the voice, I thought what it said was actually reasonable. But when I told my bishop what the voice said, it was immediately held as untrue --- I am actually just insane.

So, I'm insane for hearing a voice they told me I'd hear.

Compare that with how church leaders when I grew up would keep bringing up "A Self Inflicted Purging" by Vaughn J Featherstone which only serves to shame the young men about very small imperfections. The only solution this talk gives for stopping masturbation is to "transmute" the urge - or in other words to transmute the chemicals that cause the urge.

That's right everyone!! The church is telling me I'm crazy for hearing a voice they told me I'd hear, and now they want us to magically change our body chemistry - it's straight out of general conference and it must be important, seeing as how they kept bringing it up.

So: when you are told you are going to hear the voice of the holy ghost, and you hear it -- that is actually just insanity according to my past bishop.

And the past bishop and friends would keep bringing up all the shame of small imperfections, and the only solution is to use magical powers to change the chemicals in our bodies. Although, they never actually emphasized the solution, and never explained exactly how that was supposed to be done --- it was all about concentrating on the shame of our small, little, essentially meaningless imperfections.

Very confusing.

"God is so kind, loving, merciful and gracious that he couldn't even save Avril Lavigne's soul just because she's a rock star".

That is what the church taught me, this is LDS logic for you.


Upon further examination of Elder Featherstone's talk, he seems to feel that the urge to have sex, or the urge to masturbate, is actually caused by THE DEVIL -- not body chemistry.

I am very sad now. I grew up with this talk, always shaming us about sex, leaving church meetings early, and drinking caffeine.

I was told I'd hear the voice of the holy ghost, but the voice of the holy ghost is actually just my brain chemicals having problems.

And I'm supposed to understand according to Featherstone that the urge to masturbate is not body chemistry - it's the devil.

For a church that says insanity is caused by brain chemistry, that the voices are brain chemistry, and not any sort of spirit --- it's absolutely amazing that I grew up with this talk that tells me masturbation is caused by satan.

I know for a fact that the chemicals in our body may have everything to do with our sex drive, and I can only understand that word "transmute" to mean we have to magically change our body chemistry --- even though it's insane to think the holy ghost could have spoken.

It's insane to think the holy ghost has spoken, but it's OK to blame masturbation on the devil and to say that we need to magically change something about our urges.

yeah. Wow. Whatever.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014


So, I have recently learned from a friendly commentator that the reason masturbation is wrong is because the feelings it produces are supposed to only be felt between a man and a wife --- definitely not by yourself.

So, Vaughn J Featherstone says that it is the devil who says you must give in to the sex urges, and that we must avoid the sex urges through "transmutation".

Now, I know for a fact that the sex urges in my body are caused by chemicals, hormones and even likely brain chemicals.

On my computer's dictionary, the definition of "transmute" is "change in form, nature, or substance". The example they give is "the quest to transmute lead into gold".

So, everybody, the reason that I am not saved in the celestial kingdom with a woman is because I have never figured out how to turn water into wine, I have never worked that little miracle in myself that changes these sex-urge-chemicals into something completely different.

The Church REQUIRES you to become an all-powerful-superhuman in order to be saved and to escape belittlement, but in my experience the symptoms of being an all powerful godlike superhuman are that you will be deemed to be insane, you are crazy, and you will be forced on drugs if you actually achieve anything even like that state.

I have achieved a state in my life where masturbation was no longer a problem --- but I was eventually forced onto psychiatric drugs that caused EXTREME sexual desire---- and I just have a huge difficulty with understanding how to perform alchemy and change that one substance into another substance.

That's right everyone:: alchemy is a common practise among all worthy priesthood males. They are so good at magic that they can change the chemical composition of their own bodies.

Personally, being against being forced on medications historically, I think it's a little drastic that the church would want you to medically alter your body chemistry just so you have certain feelings only with your spouse.

But yeah---- the church thinks it's so important not to feel those feelings without your spouse that you will be required to seek a medication that stops those feelings, or you are using magical powers that transmute the chemicals through alchemy.

And, of course, if I personally transmute anything I am insane, so I will be forced on more drugs --- and the drugs they force me on usually have serious effects of some sort, such as weight gain or even to cause serious sexual desire.

Monday, March 17, 2014

A White Light Just Appeared

So, for the past while I've been more or less denying the LDS church. I have very good reason to.

But I was lying on my side in bed in my dark bedroom moments ago when I noticed my room start to have a glowing white light fill the space, the light grew and grew, and when I first noticed it, I turned around to see what it was and then as I was about to look directly at it, it dimmed and disappeared.

I did not hear any cars passing, I did not hear any doors opening or closing.

What I did just notice moments ago though, was the sound of a clattering outside my house. --- but that clattering was in a location that has nothing to do with this bright white light, supposedly.

Most of the time after noticing the white light I wake up the next day and figure it was probably just a light outside my door or a passing car.

But as I noticed this very bright white light in my bedroom, I did not hear any passing cars, and the light outside my door would not have behaved this way.

And I heard a mysterious clatter outside the house, very strange, shortly after seeing this light and turning on the computer to write about it.

So ---- It must be understood that I have some really good reasons to be very confused about Mormonism, and therefore deny the church. But on the other hand - I just had a freaky white light experience that reminds me of LDS stories like the Angel Moroni in Joseph Smith's bedroom.

I have no idea exactly what it was. All I know is that there was a light that suddenly grew in my room to very bright, and as I turned around in bed to look at it, it dimmed and disappeared. And I heard no cars. No doors closing or opening.

Just a clatter of something outside as I write this entry. And no one is entering or leaving the house either.

So - I am very confused by the church, but if there's any evidence that the church might be true, this white light might be it.

Super Confused

You might need to know a bit about my story to understand where this comes from.

Today I received a few comments. I think they were trying to be friendly, and we only found partial agreement with each other.

It's really too bad that I have such bad social anxiety. But it's nice to have some discussion, even if for whatever reason I am emotionally uncomfortable about it.

Anyway - I am a little confused.

According to Spencer W Kimball, God did not forgive the Jews. And though God did not forgive the Jews, God, according to some mormons, doesn't go out and try to deliberately hurt or punish them in any way.

So, the Jews murdered Jesus, God does not forgive them, but God only tries to bring them back to heaven and does not want to hurt them.

Contrast that with how:

Avril Lavigne was trying to be my friend, and the Bishop didn't like her clothing or music, therefore we can't be friends and she can't be saved. She felt very real heartbreak (according to her music) about the loss of her happy ending.

SO: I'm confused about how the Jews could murder God, then not be forgiven, and then God takes no action against them and only tries to save them anyway,

While Avril Lavigne is a wonderful great christian girl who God doesn't want to save and causes great heartbreak for just because he doesn't like her clothes or music.

If Avril can be saved --- then why couldn't the Bishop let me have anything to do with her? (especially as she sings about me or relatable to me?) If she can't be saved - the Jews, who were unforgiven, get better treatment from God than her, and if she can be saved, then it just looks like I was dealing with a very erroneous church leader -- and though he is so obviously erroneous I am not allowed to say anything against him - no criticism allowed.

And though Church Leaders admit that no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes - the congregation is only allowed to sing the praises of how wonderful and great their leaders are and are never allowed to point out the errors, leaving the uneducated mind wondering what actually is right, and what actually is wrong.

I am so very confused.


It might just be a situation where people claim to know things when they don't actually know, like someone fraudulently claiming to be a professional. Why do I say this?

I've run into LDS people who claim that God DID forgive the Jews. But then I read Spencer W Kimball's book "The Miracle of Forgiveness" and he clearly states that God DID NOT forgive the Jews.

There is a very clear disagreement, two different opinions. And this sort of thing happens so much in Mormonism that maybe there's no real point anymore:: someone will have an opinion and then someone else will just disagree. There's no uniform doctrine all around.

Jesus Christ accepts all to come unto Him, according to the scriptures. Avril sings about her love for me and "I'm with you" and "I want to be your girlfriend". But she's automatically rejected just because a person with authority over my life doesn't like her music or clothing, and he didn't even seem to know who she really was anyway.

Anyway - it's all just baloney. It's all super confusing.

And it's great that the church doesn't come to my house anymore --- because I find it very confusing when the church tries to befriend and fellowship me, and then they can't even buy my books and read them.

The church requires 10% tithing from all their members, but these members who can all afford 10% of their income to be tithed somehow can't afford a $2 ebook. If the church wants to take my money, but then can't pay me for my book, or even can't be bothered to read my book, then it's absolutely great that the missionaries and home teachers have stopped coming over --- and as far as I know they only stopped coming because my Dad told them to go away. When missionaries or home teachers come over trying to be friends, it feels very fake when they can't buy the book or read the story. And even if they do - why doesn't the rest of the church?

I say that from the perspective of a guy who spent several thousand dollars to publish and advertise only to find that the people of his own church are too cheap to afford a $2 ebook. It's kind of frustrating.


I've noted this before in a personal feedback message to --- but it's interesting how the Jews, who were not forgiven by God, are not punished by God.

Whereas in my personal experience I know that people who do get forgiven usually do get punished for what they've done.

So, in Mormonism:
Being unforgiven means you WON'T be punished;
and being forgiven means WILL or MAY be punished.

Or, at least, according to these examples I see, that's how it seems to work.

And of course, the Mormon definitions of these words is completely backwards of the way the words are usually understood by the rest of the world.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

I Apologize

I have posted a new open-letter to someone I once met in Avril Lavigne's fanclub. It seemed like the right thing to do, and I'm publishing it here because it doesn't really reflect the definition of a book so it's no good as an ebook.

You can access it in the right-hand column, or click here.

Body Chemistry

I can never really discuss these things with my father because ever since many years ago he's always responded with a lack of discussion, always something about how he doesn't want to talk about, well, pretty much anything.

I'm sitting here with a psychological need for discussion --- but my father NEVER or RARELY fulfills that need. And I have no friends, no wife, no girlfriend. All I have is a psychiatric doctor and nurse who I see once every 3 weeks.

So, I write on my blog.

I'm not a doctor. But having been treated by psychiatric doctors, I know enough now to know that BODY CHEMISTRY, has EVERYTHING to do with sexual desire, sex drive.

When I was young, I was very much addicted to masturbation. I HAD to do it --- I was always driven every so often to have sex - I had a huge sex drive.

Growing up, the church always told me that having this sex drive should never lead me to any form of sexual activity. The church seemed to understand, in the words of Vaughn J Featherstone (A Self Inflicted Purging) that there is a sex drive --- but they considered it to be a devilish idea that you had to give in to that sex drive, they considered masturbation to be so bloody wrong. The correct thing to do is to NEVER engage in any form of sexual activity, and to "transmute" those urges to other things, other activities.

My problem was that I've never fully understood why masturbation is so wrong, and why we must be saved from it.  What is the seriously ill effect of masturbation that society must be saved from? The question to that answer still eludes me today. The church also never explained exactly how or why or where we were supposed to "transmute" those sexual urges. I ended up being very suicidal about having a serious urge and serious feelings that I could never get rid of until I've masturbated - which is against the rules.

So - What I've learned::: After a few years of being on the psychiatric drug "Risperdal Consta" and then getting off the drug, I found that my sex drive actually DISAPPEARED after YEARS of MEDICAL INTERVENTION involving a chemical that somehow affected my body to lose its sex drive after I stopped taking it. And eventually I was put on other drugs like "Clopixol" or "Zeldox" which actually cause serious, serious sexual desire. Clopixol and Zeldox could likely be considered to be some kind of serious "aphrodisiac".

So, when my natural body chemistry, or my psychiatrically-altered body chemistry, has so much testosterone or whatever chemical in me, how exactly did Elder Featherstone really expect me to "transmute" the feelings and urges caused by these chemicals to "other things"???

I mean, this is just science, body chemistry. I'm supposed to somehow cause chemicals in my body that cause serious sex-drive to do something else in my life. I am somehow supposed to change the purpose and function of these chemicals, according to Elder Featherstone.

And of course I have no idea how, and in the end it just looks like some kind of magical fantasy that Elder Featherstone was having because of his idea that certain chemicals can somehow change the way they react with the human body, going from being sexually driving chemicals into something else.

I've learned that if you have those chemicals in your body, you have to be a supernatural-godlike person in order to change those chemicals into something else so you are no longer sexually driven, or you are just a normal human and you have a huge sex drive just because of your chemistry - and nothing will change that.

And if you are so supernaturally-godlike that you can change your own body-chemistry just by "willing it to happen", then you are, of course, so freakin' insane that you have to now see a psychiatrist and take more drugs.

There you go.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Response to Prayer or Prayerful Prediction?

One of the main reasons I've had any suspicion that the LDS church may have been true is because I can be thinking about something, praying about something, and then receive a sort of response from LDS general authorities very shortly afterward in the forms of talks being broadcasted.


1) I asked God about marrying divorced woman being adultery. Dallin H Oaks responded to my question 2 days later.

2) I asked God about reclaiming my patriarchal blessing. Elder Gerald Causse responded the next day.

I have one concern however::: What if they aren't actually responding to me? What if my relationship with God is just so close that God is actually just telling me about their talks before they're given? Does God just inspire me with thoughts regarding the message before the message is given?

My household recently went on a short vacation. THREE TIMES during this vacation, my parents would walk down the hallway from their room towards me and my brother's room in the hotel, and me or my brother would always know when to open the door exactly when they arrived at our door before they started knocking. We couldn't physically hear any sound of them coming --- we actually just had (or at least, in my case, which happened twice) the spiritual prompting that "now" is the time to open the door because mom and dad just arrived. Before they knock.

Knowing to open the door didn't suddenly cause my parents to quickly rush down the hallway. The parents were already on their way, and we just happened to have the spiritual intuition to know when they've arrived.

So, I'm wondering if it's the same way with these talks from Priesthood:::: Isn't it actually more likely that Gerald Causse spent a week or more working on his talk and I was inspired to prayerfully ask the questions the night before, rather than me asking a question and Causse quickly scribbling out his response?

One big reason I suspect this is because the LDS church departs from the criteria of reality so drastically in so many ways that I can't help but wonder that they really are just false, and that God is actually just giving me a good time, that God is blessing me personally in having to deal with a very fraudulent organization.

Of course, there is my patriarchal blessing::: The patriarchal blessing was miraculous enough.

Well, this blog post just says that it's possible that I was just predicting the Prophet's talk rather than getting a response, and as such I might be more prophetic than they are (seeing as how the church fails in so many ways).

The one mystery about how the church could be completely false is: how could the church be completely false if I saw a vision during my patriarchal blessing, and that blessing appeared to have some merit in predicting my potential future?

The easy answer is that the church is the devil. Who knows.

A Message to

I just sent this message to feedback moments ago:


I look at this talk about a "Self-Inflicted Purging" by Vaughn J Featherstone.

They say that happy people don't sweat the small stuff.

Elder Featherstone seems to be making a big deal out of little things. Such as: leaving a church meeting early. Really? You're gonna get all offended that I left a church meeting early?

Your church says sinfulness never was happiness, and I suppose when you are making a big deal out of such a little thing, yes, you won't be happy.

But I've found that as soon as you stop worrying about being so bloody perfect, you can get along much better and happier in life, essentially not worrying about little things, and you will be happy.

Elder Featherstone seems to think that masturbation is a problem that can be and must be avoided.

Today I saw on the TV an advertisement for a testosterone medication that is supposed to help Sex drive. My parents have always been telling me that it's just my hormones causing those urges.

If it is my hormones causing those urges:: then why berate me about something so small and meaningless about masturbation when it's just a natural part of my bodily form to have those urges? And when I mean urges -- well, I can only hope you will someday find out how I felt many times throughout my life ---- those urges are EXTREMELY powerful and EXTREMELY annoying. No amount of willpower erases them. If only you knew how powerful those feelings were --- and how masturbation is actually a safety valve against worse sins like fornication or sexual assault.

Masturbation is so insignificant in it's effect on mankind that I really have to wonder why you have to make us miserable about something that does such little to no harm, and is in fact helpful in relieving the strains of naturally-high-testosterone and avoiding fornication and sexual assault?

You say sinfulness never was happiness. Well, when you keep berating us about small, meaningless things, of course you aren't going to be happy.

Happy people don't sweat the small stuff. Jerks.

(I write this from the perspective of growing up LDS and always wanting to kill myself because I could never avoid having a huge sex drive).

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Fear of Jews

I logged in to blogger this morning, and saw that the night before my website had attracted attention: I received over 1000 pageviews from Israel.

Considering that The Book of Finch essentially has some kind of vaguely-put but somewhat maybe-essential message for the Jews, this attention would be expected, I suppose.

of course, in The Book of Finch I also talk about volunteering to be martyred as a prophetic witness in the streets of Jerusalem, so maybe my safety is at stake here. I'll just have to keep up my testimony of Jesus, and I must be willing to die for the testimony of truth, if I must.

I don't have any ill-will towards Jews, but with what the Book of Mormon says about Jews I'd have to watch my back with over 1000 Israeli visitors to this site.

But my "firm foundation" in Mormonism has crumbled a bit. I don't really follow LDS rules anymore, and I am generally very confused by the religion or the people of the religion.

In the end, I suppose Jesus' teaching of "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you" applies, and I should treat everyone with respect. Sometimes this seems difficult, or even contrary to what the Book of Mormon teaches.

I remember this one LDS person I met who said "You can believe whatever you want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone". Well, if that statement is true, then I really can't believe in Mormonism, and I told that individual why.

Yes --- Mormonism and The Book of Mormon have so many holes in the doctrine that I don't really care to participate anymore - coupled with an "inability" to really get along with numerous actual members.

Considering what the Book of Mormon says about Jews, however, it's very interesting how historically friendly the LDS church has been with the State of Israel, or the State of Israel's friendliness with the church.  All things considered --- it's actually good to hope that we can all just get along.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Damned if you do, Damned if you don't

Being LDS is strange.

In the LDS church, the doctrine more or less teaches that ANYONE, under the right circumstances, could potentially work a miracle.

Unfortunately, though supposedly the capability of working miracles is known to be widespread --- the actual faith or belief in miracles in the LDS church seems to be or was that if you claimed to have worked a miracle - you are then insane.

I was talking to my dad about how you are supposed to deal with it? Are you supposed to deny ever working miracles? My dad said if you denied it but you did, then you'd be a liar, and that wouldn't be good. But if you did and you say you did you are automatically insane, even if in the church it is meant to be understood that everyone has the potential.

My dad told me that it's best just to not say anything at all.

To me, the social situation in the church is just so ridiculous.

When I was going to university, in one of the few institute classes I attended the instructor or teacher taught that it should be the goal of every LDS member and their spouse to MEET GOD THE FATHER IN THIS LIFE.

It is meant to be understood that MEETING GOD is to be DESIRED.

Yet somehow, if you do meet even just Jesus Christ, you are of course, insane. Though there are some beliefs in mormonism that are or should be commonly held among all members, often times the membership seems to be far less faithful than the church advertised in class.

I mean, it's your goal to meet God in mormonism, but if you do actually meet Him -- you aren't allowed to talk about it in anyway shape or form unless you want to be denied, sent to the crazy house and opposed.

You are supposed to believe this, and you are supposed to do these things, but if you actually really do accomplish it you're looking at hard times ahead even from within the church that gave you the beliefs in the first place.

Wow. Huh. So sad. It's all just nonsense.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

My last blog post was about telepathy, and what do you know: today newRage Entertainment released a title for the OUYA called "Pong Breaker". (the comparison between telepathic thought and New Age stuff is supposed to be evident here).

Pong Breaker looks like it was slightly inspired by my game, Pfhonge. Putting blocks behind the paddles. Wonderful.

Yes, I am flattered that they would seemingly be inspired by my concept, considering that I don't remember seeing a pong game with blocks behind the paddle before Pfhonge. Funny.

So... they are asking $4.99 for their game as of this writing in order to play local multiplayer. At least I have the lower price.

So, according to Mormonism it's the devil that likes us to compare each other and make ourselves feel superior to each other. So what can I say about their game?

Their game has nicer graphics and nicer music. I found the actual gameplay to be a bit less rewarding than a good game of Pfhonge though. Some of the ball mechanics don't meet my criteria. It should be noticeable how different the ball behaves in my game and this new game, and well, I do personally like my own game better about how I handle ball bounces.

So yeah, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.... and today was a good day for Pfhonge on the O-Rank, ranking in at 307/688.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Telepathy still working

So, I've done three telepathy tests today: two with my mom, one with my dad.

Surprisingly, the skill is still operating.

First Test with Mom:
I said: A (E or 3) C
She said: A B 2
So, for this first test, I got the A, and I almost got the B too, except I thought it might've been an E or a 3, and if you combine E and 3 they make a B strangely enough.

Second Test with Dad:
I said: J A X
He said: A P 2
Yes - this was a little cheap because he chose almost the exact same characters as my mom, but I still got the A anyway.

Third Test with Mom:
I said: Z (3 or 4) J
She said: T U Z
So, I got the Z, and the J could be seen as a sort of combination of U and T, I guess.

So, I got at least one right on each test, if you combine the characters, then its almost 2 right on two of the tests.

But even just one right character on three tests is magnificent to me. The odds of getting 1/3 three times in a row on Alphanumeric Pick 3 are: 0.048% chance, or 1 in 2046, according to my calculations.

Pretty good! And yes, beating the odds so handily is real evidence that I'm a mentalist, even if I'm not quite a Kreskin.

Monday, March 3, 2014

About Gaming

I think the OUYA is great. My niece now knows that when she comes to my place, that we can play OUYA. It's great because she can choose for us to play whatever videogame she wants, and I can download and it's always free to play in some way.

I'm a gamer, mostly a casual gamer, I'm a small game developer, but I do have some interest in consoles other than the OUYA.

Tomorrow The Stick of Truth will be released. I want to play it, but I am a bit leery about buying it because I'm not too much of a "full-fledged" or "full-time" gamer anymore. I still haven't finished Max Payne 3 or Red Dead Redemption is what a mean, and I'm questioning whether spending another $60 on a game that I won't necessarily finish is really worth it.

Like, I'm at the point where I really don't care to buy an XBox One. It's expensive, it requires a camera on the TV to be used, and I already have enough game consoles - I don't really want an XBox One. The only reason I would buy an XBox One would be to play "Quantum Break", an XBox One exclusive title.

But, I'd rather wait for Quantum Break to be released for PC, and then buy a gaming PC and play it on PC than play it on XBox One. I'd rather have a PC than the "Xbone".

I mean, I really like Remedy titles, I loved Max Payne, I loved Alan Wake, and Quantum Break is also very interesting to me (just because of the writers and game studio), but I'm not sure that game alone is enough to justify buying a $500 gaming console. I'd rather get a PC.

As for OUYA game development, well, I'm finding some sad limitations or bugs in the shipping operating system of the OUYA that keep my game from being everything I want it to be. One of the bugs is well known among Android Developers and only gets fixed in Android 4.3, so I'm just hoping the next OUYA will make the update.

The other bug I have with my game in OUYA is already known by anybody who has really fully played or tested in my game, and it's not a big deal but it is annoying. And I have no idea how to fix it - I again suspect it's an issue with pre-existing OS software.

I love the OUYA - but right now it has some bugs to be fixed. The controllers for one, and then the OS software for the developer for another.

Not that people totally care about my games - I'm a little guy, and I have crappy graphics because I'm not an artist. And I'm a mediocre programmer because I can't figure out how to fix a couple small bugs. So sad.

A Little Bit of Telepathy

Just yesterday I sent a donation with a message to Avril Lavigne's charity, mentioning that my telepathy faded and doesn't work.... and then today as I did a couple tests I got a little bit of a right answer each time.

Test 1:
I read and said: ABC
My dad's original was: 2QB

1 right.

Test 2:
I read and said: M2(T or C)
My dad's original was: 4CU

1 right.

The chances of getting one right in these tests were 1:12.7, or a 7.9% of getting that answer, according to my understanding of statistics.

Getting two tests in a row with 1 right each has a 0.6% chance of happening, or 1:161.

So, I guess I did pretty OK today -- right after telling Avril's charity that my telepathy stopped working. Huh. I think I see a pattern. It works, I tell you it works, then it stops working. Then I tell you it stops working. Then it works again. Wow huh.

And I noticed that last night I had a whole bunch of visitors to this website's The Book of Finch page. Very interesting. Finally, a little bit of fame - well, for a free book that is. Oh well.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Wow! An Actual Sale!!!!

In a recent blog post I mentioned something about how Mormons are really-cheap, how selling books is really difficult.

Well, after hundreds of free downloads, almost a year after the release of the document: Aftermath FINALLY had a sale!!!!

I was surprised to see that someone actually spent almost a whole dollar on my short report. Amazing.


As for video game development:: I spent the whole day yesterday trying to implement a new feature in to ICBM. Unfortunately, even though I got  the feature to work even a little bit - well, whenever I got it to work in one application, in multiple tests after the original run the new feature will always break. It works, nothing changes in my code, and then it breaks, after a few tests.

I worked all day yesterday, and guess what I discovered from research? This particular feature that breaks is apparently commonly known to be broken in the Android API until a much later update. So, inasmuch as I would love to fix this feature, Android is broken so we won't see it unless maybe a future OUYA uses a newer android operating system.

But, I have another feature to work on to eventually implement. I hope this next idea works.