Thursday, February 20, 2014

Some Psychiatric Justification

I suppose the psychiatrists had some justification for what they were or are doing:

1) I was unable to think at the same level that I had once been able to.

2) I was really, really hurt inside.

3) My home or family environment wasn't very good.

So though I maintain that I have experienced miracles, the psychiatrists had some justification for trying to give me treatment.

I think there was a certain 'nefariousness' about the church or the psychiatry, but both groups were also trying to help in different ways. Maybe it's just a very imperfect system, but they did end up helping me.

And I just complain and complain, always remembering and never forgetting. Maybe that's a strike against me.

I should note that my miracles and telepathy seem to have worn off. The stake president tried sending  a couple responses to my email but I couldn't open the emails because of an emotional pain or strain in my heart that stopped me from wanting to see what he said.

I know, in the most intellectual fashion I should be seeing what the stake president is trying to tell me, but I can't. I just have some serious emotional issue that won't let me read the church leader's email.

So, either the holy ghost warms the heart in the presence of truth, and therefore maybe there's some spiritual force stopping me from hearing out the stake president, or it's all just brain chemicals and I STILL have remnant emotional pain from 13 years ago.

I think my telepathy and miracles have largely worn off at this point, and for quite a while now I've considered the fact that my patriarchal blessing is actually gone now - that it was taken away from me.

Of course, the simple fact that I have this blog and I have numerous visitors from many countries visit indicates that I might still have some blessings. But, unless I find a real good reason why I should be getting married, I won't be getting married, and at that point I have essentially lost my blessing.

If I'm just crazy, considering all the mental problems my family has, I don't think I should reproduce.

If I'm not just crazy, then maybe I could reproduce, but this seems about as far away as the second coming.

Of course, with how the psychiatrists had some justification, maybe I am too crazy to have children - and at that point, the patriarch was actually wrong. But he seemed right about a bunch of the stuff he said, except for the part about being sealed to a companion of my choice. But to be fair - he said that marriage would happen eventually or later. I think.

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