So at this point in my life I've given up hope of actually receiving all my patriarchal blessings and I have considered getting my name removed from church records, especially because of all kinds of negative experiences I've had in the LDS church-
But I also know that there is a clear miraculous reality about Mormonism. I finally read my email from my stake president. It was beautiful.
It was in response to my blog post where my mom doesn't have total faith in my miraculous ability.
The Stake President said I could work miracles - to put it simply. My mom is the most devout mormon in my house, and she has a lack of faith in me and my patriarchal blessing, whereas the stake president was nice enough to confirm to me that I could work miracles. Yay. I'm feeling better about the church already.
I could return to church someday.
But as for my feelings, well, I think I've got a spiritual force that acts on me to cause me to be left out of mormonism.
On multiple occasions now, I'll receive a message from the Stake President in the mail or email and when I see it I'll be filled with an emotional pain and a recurring idea that I am already excommunicated. But when I finally read the Stake President's messages I find that it's wonderful, inviting, beautiful, nothing to fear.
Why does my spirit feel so much repulsion towards messages from the church or my stake president? When I finally read the message - it all looks good and wonderful.
I've hypothesized that I have a dead ancestor who wants me to leave the church. Who knows.
But, I think I'll stay with Mormonism - though they may be "satanic" sometimes, there is also a great wonder and beauty about the church, and I know them to have a miraculous quality. I think it is possible that they are authentic, even though they and their history are so horribly flawed.
Like, if you've heard about Joseph Smith's multiple different accounts of the first vision, this could lead you to believe that Mormonism is wrong. Yes - obviously something is wrong here, but it doesn't mean Joseph Smith absolutely didn't meet Jesus - the story could have been switched up for any number of reasons that I couldn't possibly explain or imagine.
Maybe we don't have the whole truth about the first vision, especially because Joseph Smith kept changing his story. But I do know that there is a true miraculous quality to the LDS church, so I still believe there really could have been a first vision, even if the exact particulars of what actually happened are lost or distorted in different stories being told.
I mean, I've got a few personal stories in my own life of Seeing Jesus Christ, and I don't think the different tellings I give of these tales are obviously changed from previous tellings, it's all pretty straightforward for me - but that doesn't stop certain individuals from completely doubting me, even if I keep the record straight.
So, I'm thankful for my stake president, I have a spiritual force acting on me to try to reject the church, but I already have a firm knowledge of some miraculous and good quality about Mormonism, so I may return to be LDS someday.