Thursday, February 27, 2014

Reading Spanish

So, I noticed this evening that I had another free download of my book on This is nothing really new, except when I looked at the competition on the top 20 bestsellers list, I saw one of the books was a spanish language article about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (the creator of Sherlock Holmes).

I had a closer look at the blurb describing the article. It was all in spanish. I know some spanish from schooling from many years ago. But, I am happy to say, that even though I didn't really know all the words used, I was able to more or less understand what the blurb said, or even just the gist of what it was saying.

That was so nice, to know that I retain some spanish interpretation skills. Yay. Awesome. Oh - yeah, I checked it with the google translator and found I was correct in my understanding.

The other thing to write about here is my response to my previously most recent post where I feel friendly towards the church.

Yes - I feel friendlier towards the church, but this evening I realized if I were to go back it would mean no coffee, tithing, no sunday shopping.... basically there are all these rules you have to follow, and I know that I am actually physically incapable of following all the rules.

I could live without coffee, but I don't see the point of having to go without it. Tithing is expensive, and to me it makes more sense to give to the poor and needy rather than give money to a very wealthy church while I myself struggle to pay of debt. And I love buying food - every day, I'm always going to Seven Eleven or some restaurant to eat, and I'm not sure the sabbath day is really all that important of a rule. As well, I am actually completely physically incapable of being sexually perfect, according to the mormons.

So, though I feel friendly to the mormons, there are all these little rules that I don't see the point of having to keep. And today, as I thought, I realized when Jesus gave his parable of servant who was forgiven and then didn't forgive and then became unforgiven due to this lack of forgiveness of others: I realized that what Jesus is saying here is that SMALL things should be forgiven so easily, as the amount of money being dealt with was miniscule.

I think Jesus makes sense - my interpretation of the parable says that you are required to forgive all sorts of small imperfections. This really does make sense.

But I know from my life with mormonism that they twist it and distort it so small things become big issues, and big things have to be forgiven or else you are the even bigger sinner. They harp on you about small things, and then require forgiveness of big freakin' problems or else the victim is the bigger sinner. Mormonism has got this doctrine all wrong. They don't do it or think it properly.

And then, I realize, from looking at book sales and comparing it to other LDS books ---- that though I offered my whole life to God/the LDS church, I was rejected, and even if my book is free most LDS people can't be bothered to be excited over the good news I had to report. It's just complete rejection. I'm just lucky to have a very kind stake president.

The problem with book sales among the mormons is that I know how I'll give beggars on the street money if they ask, which is what a christian is supposed to do. But if I advertise a book, pay per click, I'll get all kinds of LDS people clicking on my ad and therefore causing me to spend money, but then none of these individuals will actually buy my book. My dad determined from this information that LDS people are ultra-mega-cheap. They can afford 10% of their incomes on tithing, but $2 for an ebook is too much to ask. And then even if it is free, I'm still not doing very well compared to others (including foreign languages) anyway. It's basically just a sign that the Mormons rejected me.

I tried so hard to be a good LDS boy growing up, and I know I wasn't LDS-perfect, but I was considered the best priest in the quorum. And then my own church just blatantly rejects me. How sad.

If you are a natural man, they'll berate and belittle you. If you are supernatural and godlike, they'll just drug you for the perceived insanity. It's all just abuse.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Options for my future

So at this point in my life I've given up hope of actually receiving all my patriarchal blessings and I have considered getting my name removed from church records, especially because of all kinds of negative experiences I've had in the LDS church-

But I also know that there is a clear miraculous reality about Mormonism. I finally read my email from my stake president. It was beautiful.

It was in response to my blog post where my mom doesn't have total faith in my miraculous ability.

The Stake President said I could work miracles - to put it simply. My mom is the most devout mormon in my house, and she has a lack of faith in me and my patriarchal blessing, whereas the stake president was nice enough to confirm to me that I could work miracles. Yay. I'm feeling better about the church already.

I could return to church someday.

But as for my feelings, well, I think I've got a spiritual force that acts on me to cause me to be left out of mormonism.

On multiple occasions now, I'll receive a message from the Stake President in the mail or email and when I see it I'll be filled with an emotional pain and a recurring idea that I am already excommunicated. But when I finally read the Stake President's messages I find that it's wonderful, inviting, beautiful, nothing to fear.

Why does my spirit feel so much repulsion towards messages from the church or my stake president? When I finally read the message - it all looks good and wonderful.

I've hypothesized that I have a dead ancestor who wants me to leave the church. Who knows.

But, I think I'll stay with Mormonism - though they may be "satanic" sometimes, there is also a great wonder and beauty about the church, and I know them to have a miraculous quality. I think it is possible that they are authentic, even though they and their history are so horribly flawed.

Like, if you've heard about Joseph Smith's multiple different accounts of the first vision, this could lead you to believe that Mormonism is wrong. Yes - obviously something is wrong here, but it doesn't mean Joseph Smith absolutely didn't meet Jesus - the story could have been switched up for any number of reasons that I couldn't possibly explain or imagine.

Maybe we don't have the whole truth about the first vision, especially because Joseph Smith kept changing his story. But I do know that there is a true miraculous quality to the LDS church, so I still believe there really could have been a first vision, even if the exact particulars of what actually happened are lost or distorted in different stories being told.

I mean, I've got a few personal stories in my own life of Seeing Jesus Christ, and I don't think the different tellings I give of these tales are obviously changed from previous tellings, it's all pretty straightforward for me - but that doesn't stop certain individuals from completely doubting me, even if I keep the record straight.

So, I'm thankful for my stake president, I have a spiritual force acting on me to try to reject the church, but I already have a firm knowledge of some miraculous and good quality about Mormonism, so I may return to be LDS someday.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

A PB Conundrum

Before I got my patriarchal blessing, I was top of the class for much of my schooling. I didn't require any mental-medications, and I was able to think at a level that achieved me top grades.

Near the end of grade 11, I got my LDS patriarchal blessing. It said I would have an especially blessed mind. Just a few months later I experienced a mental and emotional breakdown and was no longer capable of thinking at the level I had once been able to --- I had decreased substantially in my ability.

What did I do so wrong that I actually LOST my great thinking skills after receiving a blessing that said I would have an especially blessed mind?

Elder Richard K Melchin thought that the psychiatric drugs I receive are the especial blessing for my mind..... but that's really sad because I'm also supposed to have a blessed body, and psychiatric drugs can create health concerns.

And well, I didn't require psychiatric drugs before my patriarchal blessing, so how could my special blessing actually make me stupid so I would require medication??? That seems backwards.

I must've done something really wrong. I don't know anymore. It doesn't really make sense. Who knows what was going on.

I was the elementary school graduation valedictorian. At grade 9 graduation I received the award for having the highest average grade in my class, and also in grade 9 I got 100% on my math final. At the end of grade 11 I got 98% on the Chemistry final exam, which was also highest in the class.

But then I get my patriarchal blessing and for the rest of my life I'm either too stupid to think properly or I am requiring medication.

This doesn't really make sense. I was already very smart. I have an especially blessed mind. But now I'm either stupid or requiring drugs???

Maybe I just did something completely wrong - I took a wrong turn somewhere. Who knows. God got very angry for that thing I did, I'm not sure what it was though. Who knows.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Talked to God Again

So, I talked to God again just moments ago I this evening.

This time I think I was talking to God the Father, who I am more accustomed to, rather than some being claiming to be Jesus Christ.

And the God I spoke to I recognized as the same God I usually talk to.

When asked about which church is the true church, he said they're all good. When asked if the mormons were true or false, again he said they're all good.

This explains something: there are so many reasons that people can come up with to disparage mormonism, so I get confused about my testimony of prophecy and miracles associated with the LDS church. I mean, I don't want to operate in LDS mormonism anymore, but I do have my testimony, and it's just interesting to personally hear God agree with the Catholic Pope that all churches/religions are "true".

So, there could be many reasons to disparage any religion - but regardless of how, in this case the mormons, have screwed up, there was always something realistic about them anyways.

I also asked God about the idea that Avril Lavigne could be my wife. God said that I could be with pretty much anyone, but since Avril already wanted me (apparently) and with they way I dote on her, she and I could really be a couple.

Of course, I am a bit confused about how Avril has already had two husbands and I'm not really interested in challenging her current husband, but it is true that of all the women in the world who are not in my immediate or extended family - Avril is one girl I care perhaps the most about.

And what's sad is, I have an idea in my head, not being told to me but I am producing in my own mind, that perhaps Avril doesn't really care about me. If she cares about me in any way, then I am producing a delusion in myself that she doesn't. If she doesn't care about me, maybe I'm just making an observation and coming to a conclusion.

So, to round this whole thing up:: I spoke to the same God I usually talk to this evening. He seemed to verify that all the churches are good and that Avril Lavigne is most likely to be my mate (somehow, however that works).

I guess I'll just mention that book about that woman who died and came back to life and eventually joined the LDS church. She also teaches that all the churches are going to heaven, they just travel there at different rates. Seems verifiable enough.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Really Confusing things about religion and God

I know there is a God. But exactly who he is and what religion is true can be considered mysterious.

I was watching a video about a couple who left the Mormon church. The female claimed that it was made very clear to her mind that the LDS church is not true.

Personally, I am confused about all this. I look at all the viewpoints, consider my own viewpoint, and have to try to make a decision.

So, after watching some videos I asked God "Is the LDS church really true, or is the LDS church false?"

There was no answer from any being for quite a while, when eventually the conversation began and the being I was talking to was ---- well, it wasn't really decisive in helping me understand a lot.

1) This being claimed to be Jesus. I immediately disbelieved.

2) This being claimed that Avril Lavigne is my wife in the Celestial Kingdom. If this is true, it is evident that the LDS church royally, royally screwed up in my life. And of course, it's debatable how close my ties really are with Avril Lavigne so we go back to my crazy-brain-problem-schizophrenia-stuff again.

3) This being claimed that he is the God of all people and of all religions, essentially saying that all churches are true, just like the pope recently declared.

The discussion didn't reveal much, except that there is some voice in my head who will claim to be Jesus, that Avril Lavigne is my "wife", and that he is the God of all people and all religions, that all religions are true - agreeing with Pope Francis.

The problem is, I really have a hard time thinking that this being I was talking to was authentic. He claimed to be Jesus, to be God, but his voice was so mild, he seemed so nice, and yes I felt that warmthy-holy-ghost feeling about him. But it just seemed so hard to believe that this was an authentic voice in my head.

But if this voice in my head was to be trusted, then:

1) I know I've had previous experiences with Jesus, so it could be true.
2) The Holy Ghost told me that Avril Lavigne is with me, and I've never given up on that point. But to claim for us to actually be married seems really screwed up.
3) If Avril Lavigne is with me that way, then the LDS church screwed up so royally. I mean, it would be easy to say the church is untrue just because of how they couldn't discern the clues and;
4) Jesus really may have appeared to Joseph Smith, but who knows why J Smith changed his story so many times and couldn't keep the record straight. I recognize there is some evidence of Mormonism, but I'm basically gone from that now. The church may be "true" but so are the christians according to this being I communicated with.

So, even my own prayers don't glean any truly great or decisively understandable results at this point. The being communicating with my mind may have been completely false, despite holy ghost feelings. But if he was true, then it is clear the LDS church really shouldn't have control over my life, especially with how they screwed up on my relationship with Avril Lavigne.

So it's possible that Jesus spoke to my mind this evening. I prayed to God, I got Jesus, but I didn't really believe or recognize it was authentic, I thought there was something strange about it, even if I felt the holy ghost.

So, you could say I'm confused, or bewildered or whatever. I try praying to God and all I get is some being claiming to be Jesus and I don't even trust it, despite holy ghost feelings.

But it's clear that if I can get a spiritual witness claiming these things, then there's no reason to trust a decisive LDS witness, as any witness can say anything and it would seem true but might not be.
And if this evening's communication is true, then the LDS church really screwed up anyway, so why should they be trusted?

Thursday, February 20, 2014

1.1% of the nation's wealth

I was laying in bed, thinking about how tough it is to be me. Well, basically, to me it looked or seemed tough that I could spend thousands on publishing and advertising, I could spend a few hundred dollars on developing for the OUYA --- and then most of my distributed product goes out for free, just freebies for most people ----- the vast majority of my "customers" don't pay for anything, even if the product is only $1-$3.

So, I was just thinking how tough life is, that I can't recover my investment because no one spends money - when a thought entered my mind telling me that it's even tougher when you are under-wealthy, when there is no money to begin with.

I grew up poor, and I suddenly and clearly remembered and realized that it can be REALLY tough not having money for the essentials, or the luxuries. Being too poor (due to unemployment) may have been a reason I went insane.

Growing up, my father was unemployed, and we were so poor we had to live off of LDS church welfare for quite a long time.

I could go on for pages, perhaps, how we kneeled to the church in our time of need, but now that we're in better financial standing we scoff at them - but I won't - it's interesting to be noted about that in the LDS religion, but I don't entirely scoff at them, and if I do I usually have a good reason for it.

Anyway, being poor sucks.

So, I looked up on the internet about American wealth, how many american homes are under-wealthy. I found that in 2010, the lower 50% of american homes in wealth controlled only 1.1% of the entire nations wealth, whereas the top one percent of american homes control ~30% of american wealth.

To me, this seems absolutely ludicrous, a reminder behind the good value of the "occupy" movement and reaffirmation that a certain amount of socialism is a must for society.

Of course, I then realized that the United States is very much in big trouble --- people have known this for a while. Half the government wants to lower taxes on the rich, enslave the poor, and plunge the government deeper into debt (as my calculations of how their government is estimate), and well:::

With how big the american debt is, and how they can't even decide to pay off the debt and help the poor with how greedy one half of the government is:: there is obviously a serious problem in the United States.

And that's all I can really comment on this about. I don't have any guidance, I'm just making my personal observation that the USA is not in a good position. More debt, lower taxes, half the country is under-wealthy. Just so sad.

I feel reaffirmed in some of my socialist attitudes that I've taken, and I kick myself for being the young boy who was capitalistic and greedy. Being poor sure helped that capitalistic young boy realize that it's better to help the world as a whole rather than be personally greedy.

In past days I've thought about how I can help charities do their charitable work once I get my debt paid off.

And it's so sad to me to realize that so many americans - who you'd think would be capable of paying me the $1 for my product - would actually be the sort of people who would be in need of charitable help.

of course, I myself am in a sense also a man who needed charitable help, and eventually got socialized. I'm just lucky to be living in a very blessed-land where a poor guy like myself can even think about helping charities.

Some Psychiatric Justification

I suppose the psychiatrists had some justification for what they were or are doing:

1) I was unable to think at the same level that I had once been able to.

2) I was really, really hurt inside.

3) My home or family environment wasn't very good.

So though I maintain that I have experienced miracles, the psychiatrists had some justification for trying to give me treatment.

I think there was a certain 'nefariousness' about the church or the psychiatry, but both groups were also trying to help in different ways. Maybe it's just a very imperfect system, but they did end up helping me.

And I just complain and complain, always remembering and never forgetting. Maybe that's a strike against me.

I should note that my miracles and telepathy seem to have worn off. The stake president tried sending  a couple responses to my email but I couldn't open the emails because of an emotional pain or strain in my heart that stopped me from wanting to see what he said.

I know, in the most intellectual fashion I should be seeing what the stake president is trying to tell me, but I can't. I just have some serious emotional issue that won't let me read the church leader's email.

So, either the holy ghost warms the heart in the presence of truth, and therefore maybe there's some spiritual force stopping me from hearing out the stake president, or it's all just brain chemicals and I STILL have remnant emotional pain from 13 years ago.

I think my telepathy and miracles have largely worn off at this point, and for quite a while now I've considered the fact that my patriarchal blessing is actually gone now - that it was taken away from me.

Of course, the simple fact that I have this blog and I have numerous visitors from many countries visit indicates that I might still have some blessings. But, unless I find a real good reason why I should be getting married, I won't be getting married, and at that point I have essentially lost my blessing.

If I'm just crazy, considering all the mental problems my family has, I don't think I should reproduce.

If I'm not just crazy, then maybe I could reproduce, but this seems about as far away as the second coming.

Of course, with how the psychiatrists had some justification, maybe I am too crazy to have children - and at that point, the patriarch was actually wrong. But he seemed right about a bunch of the stuff he said, except for the part about being sealed to a companion of my choice. But to be fair - he said that marriage would happen eventually or later. I think.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Asked My Mom a Question

So, today after my psychiatric visit, taking my mom home from her work, I asked her a question:

"Mom, can I work miracles? Am I capable of working miracles?"

She had no answer. She said "That's a good question", but she had no answer for it.

My quick answer was that the Patriarch said I'd work miracles, but the Psychiatrist said I couldn't work miracles.

I would be inclined to believe that the patriarch was actually right, except that the bishop told me to follow the psychiatrist, and therefore the patriarch is wrong, as the bishop can't be wrong because it's wrong to criticize bishops.

I think my brother believes in Mormonism, regardless of how he doesn't go to church. His line of reasoning says that since Joseph Smith Jr. was able to gather believers/followers, he must've been a prophet, more of a "prophet" than me, just because people believed Joseph Smith but not me, so Joseph Smith is true and I'm crazy just because J Smith had believers and I didn't.

Well, at one time most people believed the world was flat, and therefore the world must've been flat right?

Of course, it never occurs to my brother by the same logic that most people don't believe in Joseph Smith, therefore he must've been a false prophet.

Anyway - I believe my patriarchal blessing had power, I believe I've witnessed and performed miracles, I believe much more of the blessing could have come true-

-but didn't because so many people, including members of the LDS church, just rejected my testimony and decided that I was the devil or whatever, that I'm crazy.

So - it's no easy question to answer for my mom, whether or not I can work miracles. The bishop believes I should follow the psychiatrist - therefore the patriarch must've been wrong, right?

I mean, I couldn't actually work miracles, I'm actually just insane right?

I can't hear the voice of the holy ghost, there is no voice of the holy ghost, voices are just insane right?

I was never honoured and respected by anyone, regardless of how I think Avril Lavigne and others sing and make performances about me right? Seeing yourself in the media is just crazy you know.

And because I'm crazy, I can't actually have a wife either.

It is very, very clear that the Patriarch was wrong, right? The Patriarch just gave me some hocus-pocus psychic reading horoscope thing that said some things could happen, but if it doesn't then it's because I'm either crazy, unworthy, or unfaithful - right? It's all my own fault its not true right?

It's so strange how even though the patriarch blessed me to work miracles and hear the voice of the holy ghost, when asked about this many church members including my mother can't or don't resoundingly declare it's true.  Everyone knows Joseph Smith was a prophet right? Well, it appears everyone knows that the Patriarch is wrong and that Kristian is just crazy.

In my personal experience and opinion I know what the patriarch said had validity - but because of really bad decisions made by people around me, it was all taken away.

We all know Joseph Smith was a prophet, but Elder Gerald Melchin the patriarch is just wrong for telling Kristian Attfield that he can work miracles, right everyone?

If I can work miracles - then the bishop was wrong to tell me that I had to follow the psychiatric doctors. But no - the bishop wasn't wrong, because bishops can't be criticized, but since patriarchs aren't leaders, they can be criticized - right?

Who knows where I'm going with this. It just appears that the church rejected the patriarch and myself. The patriarch is obviously crazy. Wow.

If I can actually work miracles -- then why have I spent years of my life being schizophrenic and being told that I don't work miracles??? That was genius work everybody - good job.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

My Final (for now) message to Avril Lavigne

Last night I was talking to God, and God asked me to send a message to Avril Lavigne (with whom I was friends with on Facebook).

What's interesting is that God got me to send the message to Avril just the night before the day that "Avril Lavigne" deleted her own facebook account. God got one message in before it all went away. I had no idea the end was coming, but I guess God did, and that's interesting.

Anyway, so I looked up Avril Lavigne's username in facebook search and found that there were around a dozen copy-cat facebook pages of people claiming to be Avril Lavigne - and a lot of them aren't likely authentic.

That means either a) that I was talking to an identity thief, b) Avril Lavigne blocked me and it just appears to me like she closed her account or c) I really was friends with the real Avril Lavigne, but so many copy-cat pages arose that Avril just decided to quit her personal account, for whatever specific reason or reasons.

Anyway, yeah, it's interesting that God would get me to send a message to Avril Lavigne the last night before she shut down her account ---- I had no idea this was coming, but I guess God had some idea that she would do this which may be why he asked me to send the message.

My final message to Avril Lavigne (as of this point in history) reads:

Hey Avril. I've asked God about a hundred times what i could do with my life and he always tells me that I'm free to do whatever I want.
Then this evening as I was talking to God, he said to me "I could ask you to do anything", and then I said "But there's no guarantee I would actually do it. And the fact that you could ask me to do anything means you have nothing planned, and therefore you could assign me to do something and that would be it", essentially saying I could do any random job and that would be my life.
Well, After that little conversation God then told me to tell you that I would have married you, except that the ballerina girl, or Annie Liability in The Book of Finch, would have had some serious psychological or emotional problem about it.
And that's all God asked me to tell you. email address not working

I use the email address to keep in contact with members of the general public.

Unfortunately, this email address appears to be BROKEN when receiving messages. It used to work, and it suddenly stopped working, I don't know when.

I apologize for any inconvenience. If you had to send me a message, please let me know in the comments.

I just messaged my email provider to try and get this problem fixed. Of course, the last time I was having problems with this provider it took them a very long time to get back to me, so, we'll see what we can do.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

My bases are covered - I am saved

I was bemoaning the fact that I can't be saved in mormonism because I can't go to the temple due to my imperfections.

But then I realized: I am saved anyways, as long as I be a good boy for the rest of my life, even despite my addiction.

My justification is this:

In mormonism, it is by Christ's grace that you are saved, after all that you can do.

To keep it short, I did everything I could do, it wasn't enough, and now I just rely on christ's grace. I am already saved according to both Mormon and regular Christian tradition. My bases are covered.

For a bit lengthier description:

I offered my whole life to God in exchange for exaltation. The church rejected me. My whole life wasn't enough of an offer, and I was automatically shut down, with no options left. So, I did everything I could do, because the church wouldn't even allow my deal to come to fruition. I offered so much, it was rejected, there's nothing more I can do, and that is enough.

I could also mention how the church got rid of me by accusing me of something, technically damning me, but then they never told me what the accusation was so I have no way of repenting of it, because I don't know what I did.

So, basically, I've done everything I could do - on one hand it seems like I've been prematurely damned even though i tried so hard, but on the other hand I did everything I could do, and Christ's grace is all that's left --- all I can do now is be a good boy for the rest of my life.

Technically, I could do more because the Stake President once invited me to prepare to become an elder, but also technically the church is so screwed up in my sight that I wouldn't want to go back as well as I am just too addicted to be allowed in the temple, so that's a no go, and I hope I am still saved anyway.

A Talk on Obeying Your Parents

Back in early 2003 the bishopric of my family ward asked me to give a talk on 'obeying your parents.'

I guess they deliberately decided to get me to speak on a topic that I would obviously not be in agreement about in the content with the leaders about, so that sunday, when I was supposed to give the talk, was the first time I left the LDS church.

So, obviously the bishopric wanted me to exhort the young people to obey their parents and do what they're told or asked to do.

You know what I would have spoken about if I knew it didn't disagree with the bishop's position so much?

1) Matthew 10 allows children to fight against their parents.

2) The priesthood is only supposed to be used by virtue of persuasion and longsuffering. You have to be PERSUADED to obey, not just blindly obedient.

3) LDS believe in Agency, often called "Free Agency", based on Free Will. We all have the right to choose for ourselves if we will obey and follow or reject and rebel. The LDS church thinks obeying and following is the right thing to do all the time but I disagree - there is such a thing as a false prophet.

So yeah, those are three points I could have talked about in my talk if only I knew it wasn't going to directly contradict the bishop's position.

Some of the issues about obeying parents in my life at the time were:

1) Annie Liability's parents forced her to breakup with me - they prohibited her from communicating with me, and I had no idea why, and well, they were forcing us to not be friends and there was no freedom of choice (we had already previously chosen to be friends) and there was no respect for our rights to liberty or freedom of association.

2) The bishop through my parents was trying to force me into psychiatry. If I followed psychiatry like the bishop (and thus my parents) wanted me to, I would have been denying the LDS church, my belief in God, my belief in miracles, and all that. The bishop and my parents were actually telling me to reject and deny the church. I had previously loved the church so much, I grew so confused.

Yes -- that brings me to another topic:::: the LDS are not allowed to criticize their local or top leaders in any way.

The bishop accused me of making a deal with the devil over a year before that 2003 talk I was supposed to give.

If I can't criticize my local leadership, then I can't tell him he's wrong about the devilish-deal-making. But if I can't tell him he's wrong, what am I supposed to do? Say he's right even though he isn't?

Telling him he's wrong would have been critical. I would be against my leader by telling him he's wrong. But by not criticizing him, all of the sudden I'm in a position where I'm against the church anyways. It was all very much a stupid thing.

So yeah, I have my justifications for why blind obedience to parents isn't necessary, and why God allows us to choose for ourselves in all things, but that would have gone against the grain of what the bishop was trying to get me to teach, so I left the church.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Keeping the Secrets

I have to wonder if it is desired that I not become popular or well-known. There is probably some force out there that wants me to stay in obscurity. This does make sense, but:

1) Ever since I was young I was hoping and praying that I might someday make a million dollars. Being somewhat famous might be necessary to achieve this.

2) Growing up a mormon, I only ever learned that works of darkness, or works of secrecy, are actually an abomination before the Lord. Of course, there is a certain amount of secrecy (otherwise sacredness) about LDS temple rituals, but I didn't go to the temple so all I know is the book of mormon teachings about being honest and open about everything.

I mean, I was just looking at "ICBM OUYA" on google, and found two references to a conspiracy website that mentions OUYA [executive] (something) and the dismantling of the ICBM squadron that was announced about the same time as I released my ICBM game.

Then, realize that Flappy Bird's removal from sale could very well be some kind of secret message to me telling me that it's not good for me to be overly-successful and that I should pull my games from distribution, and well, I realize maybe I'm not supposed to be famous.

But my LDS upbringing disagrees.

I would like to note that I found a Facebook comment where some guy considers my game, ICBM, to have been too low quality for ever publishing on the OUYA. That is disappointing, considering just this evening I got a second rating of 4 stars giving me a total of 4.5/5 stars in two ratings on the OUYA.

It appears that I'm not popular, and considering that ICBM reached the bottom of the O-Rank numerous times, well, maybe I'm not supposed to be popular.

I suppose my life could take a different path than fortune and fame, but fortune and secrecy seems less likely than obscurity and poverty.

I may really-really have some beef with the mormons or the mormon church about certain issues, but I don't deny the reality of my patriarchal blessing depicting a possible future of some kind of possible "fame".

As for my thoughts about Mormonism, I recently remembered and will re-iterate my experience in the church where if you are a natural man burdened by little imperfections the church will berate and belittle you about small meaningless things. In order to be saved, you have to be supernaturally-overpowered, but as soon as that happens they start drugging you because of the perceived insanity. It does appear that it's impossible (in my experience) to live a happy life as a mormon free from any abuse. If you are normal human they berate and belittle you, if you achieve your supernatural godliness they just drug you.

But I still have my testimony of some kind of magic. And maybe I'm supposed to be kept hush-hush, but I've always wanted to achieve some kind of fortune and my patriarchal blessing seems to give me some fame.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

A State of Constant Denial

I was just thinking about that old seminary teacher....

So, I'm a servant to the Lord all my days right? Well, the bishop said I made a deal with the devil.

The seminary teacher totally respects the bishop as a good person and would never doubt him.

So I tell the seminary teacher that The Number 23 movie (2/3=0.666) is about me, as it totally agrees with the bishop's statement that I am devilish.

Guess what? The seminary teacher suddenly can't accept that the movie is about me even though it completely agrees with what the bishop previously said about me, even though it is about me.

I mean, Avril's sk8er boi song could verify that I'm not good enough and would be bolstered by the release of The Number 23 in Avril's claim to love me, but some church members just can't accept that these are "truthy" stories about me, it always has to be some kind of statement that my life isn't what they're depicting, even though these individuals don't know my life as well as I do and they offer no explanation on what happened differently.

So: ex-seminary teacher can't accept sk8er boi song is about me. She never doubts good bishop who said I made deal with devil. The number 23 is about me, agreeing with the bishop about the devilishness and bolstering my claim to be sk8er boi --- but seminary teacher just HAS to deny these facts.

I'm the devil - but I'm not the devil they describe in that movie even though it is well known inside my social group that I am this individual? Wow.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Personal Evidences of the LDS Church

I look at my life and I look at the internet and I just have this interest in following the Mormon debate. My book Letters to Whomever didn't even begin to touch on this issue.

It's clear to me that the LDS church is fouled up. I may have evidences for them, but likely due to disbelief and misbehaviour the LDS church no longer operates properly as an organization in my experience.

And as for the evidences I bring forth about them, I know people could dismiss what I say for whatever reason, including my personal insanity.

So, it's clear: the mormon church is fouled up. But is there any evidence for them?

Even though I no longer care to follow or believe in them, I will re-iterate some of my personal experiences that say there is SOMETHING about this church that makes it more-than-just-complete-baloney, even if it is just Satanism.

1) When I received my patriarchal blessing, I saw a vision of white light behind closed eyes. I recently had yet another more-forgettable experience where I saw a flickering white-light behind closed eyes, and opened my eyes to see that the flickering white-light was still flickering in my sight in my darkened bedroom. This occurrence of the white light may have been some kind of disease, but it could also have been spiritual.

2) My patriarchal blessing did a good job of telling a future that I could have potentially attained (unexpectedly) if the church had operated properly.

3) Elder Oaks answered a question I asked only in private prayer in the general conference I asked for the question to be answered in.

4) I was praying to God one night about reclaiming my patriarchal blessing, and the next day Bishop Gerald Causse gave a CES Devotional which appeared to be a direct response to my personal prayer.

I have all kinds of evidences in my life about the existence of God. It is clear to me that God is VERY REAL. It's possible that my God works in concert with the LDS church, or it's possible that my God helps me so very much personally despite the LDS involvement in my life.

I mean, it's possible that God could be telling me what the speakers in general conference would say before hand, although it's also possible that I'm telling them what to say.

My claims of seeing Jesus Christ --- My personal claims of seeing Jesus Christ are currently inconclusive in understanding the LDS church to be true or false. Some church leaders decry my claims, but at least one very important church leader says that I am actually right. The church disagrees with itself about me. I find the whole situation difficult to operate in, so I don't bother, but I'll remind this blog that:

1) Jesus Christ appeared to me when Jeffery R Holland was visiting Calgary in 2008. If Jeffery Holland can verify my claim, then there is a great possibility that the church is true. If Elder Holland denounces my claim, then either I am completely mad, or more likely Jeffery R Holland isn't important enough for Jesus to appear to even while they're both in the same town. This could make or break the church. I KNOW that I saw someone who I immediately identified as Jesus Christ when I saw him and there was some magic about the experience to bolster the claim. If Jeffery R Holland also saw Jesus while visiting Calgary in 2008 then Jeffery R Holland and the church could be verifiable. If he did not see Jesus, you really have to wonder why, why am I so blessed to see the Lord at that time in this land when Holland is not?

2) After writing two letters to Dallin H Oaks in 2010, later in the same year I was again visited by Jesus Christ. This time it clearly and absolutely was either a visitation from some great power like God or the Devil or it was my mind being completely-freakin'-mad. Again, this experience is completely inconclusive about verifying the LDS church. Jesus could have appeared to strengthen me when dealing with a fraudulent church, or could have appeared to somehow verify the claims of a truthy-church under siege.

So yes ---- I have some real evidences in my life that say there really could be some kind of truth about LDS Mormonism. But for so many reasons which my dad wants me to stop thinking and talking about (because it gets annoying) I can no longer be bothered to actually follow the organization anymore.

The LDS church has grown very, very foul. But there is some possibility that it may have been true or truthy anyway. I would just like to note that there is way more clear evidence against them than there is for them. I could give my evidences for, but anyone could come up with any number of reasons why I'm wrong including that I'm just insane.

My Products Suck

My products suck.
My videogames suck.
My books suck.

Nobody wants to pay me for my work.
Maybe people just think I'm a jerk.
With my crazy I could go berserk.

I advertise and did the best that I could
But when I show off I don't look very good
I must rely on welfare for my food.

Nobody likes to buy my stuff
they want it for free, free is enough
If I ask for money I only get guff.

So all the effort and work that I do
Is absolutely worthless and completely uncool
My dreams of success failed, therefore I'm a fool.

I'll never get rich by my own means it does seem
Though smart in school, my products are seen
as the drivel of a broken minded, friendless fiend.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Warning: Crazy Stuff In This Post

So, for a while I've been feeling lonely. I'd partly want to have something to do, or find a wife. But God just tells me I'm free to do whatever I want, and inside I know that I'm not interested in most women.

I then looked at the end of Chapter 22, the end of the formal story, of The Book of Finch. I am reminded that there's a supposed woman in or from the 'netherworld' who is my 'companion'.

Either I'm flipping crazy and I should deliberately stay away from all earth girls, or I am lucky enough to have some kind of angelic mate.

OK - so how much evidence do I have that this Netherworld girl really exists? A bit:

Just this evening I decided to try and "telepathically" connect with her much like I did with Avril Lavigne. She comes through loud and clear. I'm writing this post because she said I'm allowed to (I asked her permission).

Yes, this seems totally crazy, but I've seen so much evidence in my own life of the reality of spiritual communications.

I'm either crazy and shouldn't marry an earth girl, or I'm already with an angel.

Anyway, within the past few months I've seen a few girls in my local area who seemed more interested in me than I've normally come to expect from people. I actually have no idea if these are just earth-girls or if any one of them might be my angel.  It's possible that the angel decided to wave at me, or my dad, or whatever these girls think they're doing, but I have no way of knowing for certain.

Now, I have another evidence of the existence of some spiritual woman-force in my life, but I'm not sure i should talk about it here, especially as Annie Liability once told me she thought I was being schizophrenic with these experiences.

Well, I know that it seems crazy, and therefore I should not get married, but to be perfectly honest:: I have had experiences in my life where some invisible unseen being will get into bed with me and cuddle, or I'll even have sexual relations with someone who isn't even visibly or physically present in my room.

YES - this is all very much crazy, it would seem, and as such we have to put a big warning label on me for the earth girls to know to not mate with me.

So those girls in my local area who wave at me all friendly like they want to get to know me should either stay away from me because of how crazy I am, or if one of those girls is actually my angel, then perhaps there is some hope. I really don't know how else to say it.

YES - I am aware that this will be viewed as 100% crazy insanity, and if I am just insane then I KNOW that I should not be married. But if the netherworld-angel-woman ever comes back into my life, then maybe I won't be so lonely anymore.

I have some evidences to suggest that there is some kind of angel or spiritual force romantically interested in me. I already said what should happen if I'm just crazy.

Friday, February 7, 2014

All that effort just to berate us

I was just thinking about how the church puts all kinds of effort into missionary work. They put all kinds of effort into missionary work, like the missionary work it took to convert my family....

all kinds of effort to convert my family, and what do they do with that conversion? The grow us up berating us about our natural sexual circumstances.

I either was driven so forcefully to masturbate in my life either because of my dead grandma's ghost or because it really is just the way my body is and operates.

When my dad found out how badly the church treated the youth over something as little as masturbation, he decided he would never go back.

I mean, the church put so much effort into missionary work, into converting our family, only to berate us incessantly about our natural physiologies so we would eventually leave and never want to come back.

What was the point of doing that?

Personal Revelation

I could have discussed these things in Letters to Whomever, but now I find myself discussing it here because nobody cares to actually buy my book - as well as because of my psychological issues where I keep thinking of things to say, and I know I shouldn't send spam email.

OK - so today's blog post is about Personal Revelation in the LDS Church.

In my experience, I found that my ex-seminary teacher will believe she knows more about my relationship with God and more about God's revelations to me than I know myself.

Considering she legally has no power over me in the church, it was very strange to find that she could claim such amazing authority and revelatory power over my life.

And then there's how that old bishop apparently has the power to veto my testimony of the Holy Ghost, or veto the Holy Ghost in fact.

I mean, technically, this really isn't how the church is supposed to operate - but this is how the church behaved with me. I'm crazy for receiving personal revelation, and ex-Seminary Teachers get more authority over my life and receive more revelations for me than I do.

It's basically a situation where I am trying to privately discuss an issue with someone who has no idea about all the details, and then they suddenly take up their own viewpoint without having any idea what they're actually talking about. In fact, though I know my own life better than they do and I've always had my own personal relationship with God, they believe my personal relationship with God is actually just insanity and that the get to claim authority and revelation over me, despite the fact that she's just an old seminary teacher I used to have. Haha.

Yeah - that really bugged me. The Bishop's opinion is given greater value than my personal experiential knowledge is what it's about.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

My Serious (?) Psychological Issues

It's strange. I still remember seeing Jesus Christ, dressed in blue, when Jeffery R Holland was in town.

I haven't heard if Elder Holland has verified my claim or not, but I do know that LDS general authorities do answer questions that I ask only in prayer from general conference and devotional pulpits.

It's so strange that I, a man with such (previous) great faith in mormonism and such a firmly rooted knowledge of their magic have such doubts about them that I would deny them as a satanic cult.

If I saw Jesus years ago, and Elder Holland can verify my claim --- then why aren't we able to get along with each other? I think the LDS apostles are very wise men, and they answer my questions and all ---- but somehow I just have a number of issues or psychological problems that keep me from fully participating in the LDS church.

Maybe it's because I remember the faults of the mormons too well, and it's really hard for me to want to be with them with all my memories. Maybe this is why remembering is so wrong.

But there's another aspect too:: my own brother doesn't believe my testimony of Jesus Christ, so I can't really be ordained to be an elder anyway, if even just because of my own brother.

Then there's also the part where my brother can argue for hours on end about church doctrine - someone in my family is so mentally ill that they'll just take a totally unreasonable viewpoint or stance and nothing will change their position. Because of the contention trying to discuss religion causes in our home, we can't have the religion anymore.

so 1) I remember too much of how bad the church treated me.
2) My brother doesn't believe in my testimony of JC so I can't really be an elder
and 3) My brother will argue with me about doctrine, so to keep the fighting away we don't have church anymore.

Sad how that turned out. I mean, you'd think that if Jeffery R Holland and I could agree that Jesus appeared in Calgary dressed in blue, then we'd be able to get along wouldn't you?

First off, if Jesus didn't appear to Jeffery R Holland then I'd say there's something wrong with him or the church.

The church would probably say that it's something wrong with me. That's only if our testimonies don't match up about Jesus Christ in Calgary.

And regardless of whether our testimonies match or not, I can't really be with the church anyway just because of all the serious social issues as well as psychological problems I've developed dealing with these people.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

What the Actual Issue about Forgiveness and Mormons is

I was just remembering the South Park episode about the Mormons and how they're depicted as being really, really nice people.

I realize that a church that requires forgiveness of everything would be a really-really nice people.

On a side note, I just want to say that in my experience with the church, they didn't actually follow their own doctrine very well or at all, or properly or whatever, so maybe that's what my problem was.

Anyway, so when I'm complaining about Mormons and their forgiveness issues, my complaint isn't so much that they require forgiveness of everything. I mean, I think there are some things that just shouldn't be forgiven so that requirement to forgive doesn't always stand, but it's not the requirement to forgive all things that I completely disagree with.

I mean, if someone burned down my house, I suppose I really could decide to be completely benevolent and let them off the hook. But to say that I'm worse than the arsonist just because I one day remember his act of terror, that is complete baloney.

I mean, a church that completely forgives all wrongs really is a really nice church. And their desires to be perfect are admirable - it would be a really wonderful system.

But, unfortunately, in practise, it doesn't appear to actually work. They harp on you about little imperfections and then demand forgiveness for things that really shouldn't be just forgiven.

I agree with mormonism that doing your best at being a good person is awesome. I agree with Mormonism that you can decide to just forgive anything. But for the aforementioned paragraph the system doesn't really work in my experience.

I mean, in mormonism, people only achieve their forgiveness after they've confessed and repented. Sometimes mormons will require forgiveness despite a lack of any confession or repentance. Sometimes this works, sometimes this doesn't work.

Example:: If you have a child molester running around, it's probably better to report him rather than to let him off the hook all the time just because of a requirement to forgive even if he hasn't repented or confessed.

Can you imagine the church condemning an individual just because they didn't forgive the child molester enough?

It's in cases like these that the church's justice system or legality or any sense of justice or forgiveness doesn't work very well. The church would technically cater to the well-being of the molester rather than taking care of the victims or preventing any new victims.

I mean, there are so many different situations in which justice mercy and forgiveness can and should be applied in different ways, and the mormon way of just declaring a flat blanket law on how to treat all situations just doesn't work.

And even in situations where the requirement to forgive all men would work - in practice the church isn't very good at that anyways.

Example: When it comes to breaking sabbath day observance or drinking coffee or even masturbating, just forgiving an offender is probably way better than committing an actual greater sin of flipping out over small things. Unfortunately, certain church people like to completely harp others about these little things.

The requirement to forgive works really well about little imperfections, because flipping out about little things really is the greater sin, but requiring forgiveness for really terrible things just doesn't work as well. It's not that you can't forgive really terrible things, it's just that saying the victim is worse than the offender for just remembering the crime is complete lunacy.

I guess I've blabbered on enough for now. Some things about mormonism are good ideas. But the blanket flat tax rate on forgiveness they have doesn't work in all situations, as well as the system really just doesn't work in practice.

So I can agree that Mormonism has good things about it - but I'm pretty much done with them anyways. I just have a problem where I can't stop thinking about it.

Banner for OUYA Game Advertisement

I just thought I'd post my banner for my OUYA game ICBM advertisement here. It turns out I need to host it myself, and well, I don't have anywhere to put it except here, so here's hoping this works.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

A Theory on Mormon Doctrine

We know in Mormonism you are supposed to be perfect in order to be saved. We know in mormonism that the Lord will find a way for you to obey, so you should be able to be perfect.

Now, assuming you lived a perfect life, what do you do if someone stole your car?

The bible says "Let he that is without sin cast the first stone".

But, the Mormons say "You are required to forgive all men" and if you even so much as REMEMBER that some guy stole your car, you are worse than the thief is.

This illustrates a fundamental problem with mormonism. You could be a perfectly good and obedient Mormon and live a perfect life, but as soon as someone viciously wrongs you, you must forgive them, and if you even remember than any wrong was committed, then you are worse than they are.

Of course, actual christianity in the bible is different. If you are perfect, you may, in fact, prosecute.

Maybe some all-knowing-mormon individual can set the record straight if I'm wrong, but this is how I perceive the church works, because you are explicitly REQUIRED to forgive all men.

Of course, in mormonism, they know that nobody is perfect, and as such no one can really attain salvation anyway, so it's all a pointless mess anyway.

Lets say you aren't even perfect. Lets say you speak bad language every so often. And then someone burns down your house. If you even remember that he burned down your house - you are condemned before the Lord for the bigger sin.

Yeeesh. No wonder I became mentally ill after trying to thoroughly believe in this religion. I tried it. I really believed in it. And now I think it's wrong. That makes me a true skeptic.