In order to not spam my stake president or any single individual, I will now post my excessive message writing on this blog, in hopes that someone will read my mind's confusion about life.
This confusion may be considered mental illness, because I don't know the answer, but it may also be considered legitimate sane questioning based on unreasonable circumstances. We'll see.
Perhaps these questions fall under the category of "Philosophy" questions.
I was a good kid. I grew up trying to be a good mormon boy. I tried to follow all the rules as best I could.
Growing up, I suspect the ghost of my grandmother sexually molested me right after she died and I am no longer able to stay chaste: I am now addicted to masturbation.
So, the questions are: Am I still allowed to serve in the church?
Does my church service have to be removed because I masturbate? Does my service to the Lord have to be removed because I masturbate? Am I inadmissible as a worker of good because I now have a very bad habit?
So: Avril Lavigne starts singing about me like she's in love with me, and my patriarchal blessing tells me to travel and preach to the nations as a young man. The Bishop, however, rejects Avril Lavigne and tries to keep us away from each other.
Questions: Do I lose my ability to marry a lovely woman because I masturbate? Do I lose my ability to travel and preach in God's (or the church's) favour because I masturbate?
Avril Lavigne is singing about me, so am I seriously rejected from marriage and service just because she and I are imperfect?
It didn't seem to matter how much Avril was actually singing about me like she loves me, the church just can't allow the relationship, even if such a relationship was seen as a possibility in my LDS patriarchal blessing.
So here's another question: If I can't be with Avril despite her singing about me and my patriarchal blessing just because she and/or I are imperfect, what kind of service CAN I give? Who am I ALLOWED to marry? How could I POSSIBLY live a happy life?
Am I really just damned to hell because my grandmother was sexually abusive against my own will?
So, I could have been with Avril Lavigne, but the bishop just rejected her, but I am still friends with her anyways. If I was supposed to serve the lord and have a family and travel and preach, how am I supposed to do that when Avril is not with me, do I lose these things just because my grandmother was sexually abusive to me?