Sunday, December 28, 2014

Video Game Beta Testing History

OK - so remember how a while ago, earlier, I posted about how I wanted to say stuff to someone about video games but I didn't know who to talk to?

Well, I guess I now feel ready to just post about it on my blog.

The topic is Video Game Beta Testing ---- and there are two big reasons I didn't feel I could easily discuss it ---- 1) I don't want to spam the people I do write to personally and 2) When it comes to beta testing, there is a certain amount of secrecy involved and I don't want to cause any big company ire for speaking about things.  In fact ---- there was one situation where I was asked to beta test something and I didn't because I didn't think I'd be very good at keeping the secret.

The Number 23 was written by Topsy Kretts (Top Secrets) --- it's like my life, and I totally blew the cover off that one, so, yeah, I'm just kind of not the right guy for secrets maybe.

Which might be why I'm writing this post.

OK --- so ever since I wrote Pfhonge, I think I remember getting a survey from some video game company asking me to answer some questions. I truthfully answered them, and in fact in the survey answered the question where I had to tell them that I am a video game developer.

Anyway, for a while I was lucky or special or something because I had a few offers to beta test a number of video games.  Makes me feel real special right? That the big boys are look for my help. It was cool, and of course, I was skittish about whatever secrecy requirements there might ever have been.

One company did require secrecy, but eventually they stopped requiring it.  Another company seemed to want me to help spread publicity.

Well, it's possible that I didn't keep secrecy well enough or I wasn't spreading publicity enough, whatever the case, the game beta testing ended for me --- they stopped asking.

Of course, there might be other reasons for why they stopped asking me to beta test::: 1) I didn't spend nearly enough time doing it, they probably wanted many intensive hours out of me that I just didn't give them, 2) I wasn't much at writing reports about gameplay, 3) I'm actually not very good at many video games, 4) The last video game I was asked to beta test I didn't even touch, mostly because I'm not a PC Gamer, I don't use Windows, I'm mostly Mac, and some Linux. 5) I don't have the time or budget to actually buy the real regular versions of a few of the games offered. Maybe I will some day, but not right now.

There are any number of reasons why these big companies stopped asking me to beta test games --- possibilities listed above.  And to be truthful, I'm sorta OK with that, I am skittish about whatever secrecy or whatever anything may have involved.



Yes I am a video game developer, it's clear that I'm a video game developer ---- I spent this past Christmas week working on my 4th OUYA video game. I hope to get it fixed up and released in January.


But I taught myself Java, I taught myself C#, I learned for myself that bit of Java Script I understand, I never had the formal university or college training, except for one course in Pascal.

I'm hardly an expert.  In fact, my programming is a little retarded sometimes. I make so many mistakes, and I'm constantly reviewing various forms of documentation.  I just do this for fun. If this was gonna be a real job at a big company, I would probably actually want some formal education.


Which brings me to my next point::: At some points I got a few job offers in email, seemingly because of my video game thing.

Some job offers didn't seem totally realistic, especially when there was practically zero information given.

And, whatever the case, most job offers or all job offers require such a change in lifestyle and I'm so comfortable where I am right now.

One job offer looked interesting to me, but I didn't go for it for certain reasons, and then later I thought I saw some information that might've involved something to do with what my job would have been if I had taken it.  I'm glad I didn't take it actually ------ I would want a formal education before I try to do anything professionally as real work for someone.  As an amateur or intermediate in the basement of my parents' home, I feel too "retarded" to be much of a real help.


Yes, I suppose I might even be a little too disabled for most people, I work usually when I feel capable for just feel like doing it --- I spend a lot of time doing my own thing, and the stress and structure of a real job might not work for me.  I can't even drive a car, I might be pretty useless trying to actually work for someone.

I'm just not so sure about my capability or usefulness I guess.



And yes ---- getting all those offers to beta test big AAA games was really cool and awesome for me, but for any number of reasons that ended, and I'm just hoping I didn't do anything too terribly wrong, to make the big companies unhappy.  There are probably reasons for it, like I didn't even touch one game they sent me.


Anyway, I was like the coolest guy in the world for a little while there. And now it's over.  And that's what I had the bee in my bonnet to talk about.


And don't forget to read my other blog post, my ideas about how my sales reports are potentially or possibly lies and that I hope it's because I'm giving the government money from sales so I can pay them back for all the welfare they've given me. Heh. I really have no idea, but getting money for sales never reported is either a sign of clerical error or inaccurate sales reports. Anyway.

I think the internet lies

Happy Holidays everyone,

Today I sent an email to my old psychiatric nurse.

Basically, I just have this little idea that "the internet lies to me".

I'm a programmer, I know how computers work, you can get them to do or say just about anything, nothing has to be absolutely truthful.

So, I am backed up in this idea with an experience where I got payment from Amazon for 53 ebooks from June and July 2014, and I got the money, yet my sales reports and amazon sales rankings never showed any sales.

Basically, I was paid for selling books that Amazon never reported to me, and as such I feel verified in this little idea I have that the internet lies. My reports from these various companies showing this or that to me for how famous I am may be entirely untrue.

If the reports are untrue, and it's quite likely that they may be, then I'm probably more famous than I am aware. From the way things look to me right now, I'm just a small guy, my reach is sort of extensive but I'm not really that huge.  So, if there's any dishonesty in the reports, then it's quite possible that I'm quite a bit bigger than reported.

You know my youtube videos? Maybe not, but if you did you would know that "almost nobody ever watches them".  As an example, I could speculate that I actually have many views, but Youtube just keeps the numbers down so no one realizes I'm popular.  This may or may not be the case --- but it could be the way it is.

OK --- Maybe I am being a little deluded or overly-hopeful that I'm more popular than the numbers show, but, when amazon didn't report any sales and then I'm paid for 53 books, well, anything could be true at that point.

So::: If the numbers are dishonest, then where is all the money going?  Well, if the numbers are dishonest, then that means that every company I have dealings with is adjusting my fame levels. It's a big conspiracy "against me".

But that's not quite what I think it is. I think it's possible the local government secretly taxes me so I can pay back the welfare they've given me, or maybe they figure I'm too disabled to know what to do with big sums of money so they use it in hopefully good ways I'd never have thought about.

So, basically, my recent experience with Amazon not reporting sales but then giving me the money indicates there's a possibility that I can't trust any of my "fame reports" and that I'm quite possibly a bit or a lot bigger than these companies tell me I am.

I guess that's OK with me, I can live with that. There might be a good reason for it.

Considering how most people really shouldn't be too cheap to spend a buck on any of my products, I could have sold many many copies of anything, and maybe I made a tonne of money, but I'd never be told about it.

And yeah, that's one thing that's been on my mind for a long time. I actually had that suspicion since even before the Amazon thing, and yeah, maybe Amazon just paid me to help me feel better and appease the other sensation I had that "everyone's too cheap to spend a buck!! They buy houses, cars, iPads, iPhones, all kinds of fancy stuff costing lots of money and they take my stuff in droves for free but can't pay a buck".  Yeah, that was another attitude I was having, and Amazon was probably just smothering my fire of disgust for society with that payment - which was nice of them.


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As for Mormonism, well, I've probably already said it all. But i grew up with that church and I just have psychological issues and sometimes feel a need to talk about it.

It's very sad to me that the LDS church gets so many people to get up and tell us all how much they "know" the church to be so freakin' true. I grew up with it, all these people bearing their witnesses that they KNOW the church is true.

But after a proper examination of all kinds of facets of the church, like doctrine, history, and personal experience, it's clear the church is not what they crack it up to be, and that it's not really all that great of an organization. If there's anything good about it, well, people who don't know any better get lost in that lifestyle, maybe that's "good" about it.

So yeah, there are all kinds of reasons to suspect that LDS Mormonism isn't actually so great, they all say they know it's true, but upon giving it a proper examination it doesn't really add up, stand up, or make any sense.

Here's an example:::

We know in the bible that Jesus stopped a woman from being stoned saying something like "Let he that is without sin among you cast the first stone" and no one threw anything because they all sinned right?

Well, according to The Book of Mormon, it's actually the WICKED WHO PUNISH THE WICKED, so therefore in the bible Jesus was actually supposed to say "Let he that is most wicked among you cast the first stone" --- and we all know how well that was going to work out right?  If they all sinned then she's a goner according to the Mormon system.

Yup, there are so many ways that Mormonism just doesn't make sense, it doesn't add up or stand up.

I could say I experienced miracles in or with the church, which I think I did, but most people would say that was all hooey too, for whatever reason. So, really, there's nothing for me to believe in in the church.

Another problem is how Jesus died so that all mankind could be saved, yet somehow the bible forgot to mention the part that excludes Rock Stars or Avril Lavigne or whatever, because my old bishop seemed to think she would be damned and that God wouldn't want to save her.

I mean, Avril was truthful and she is talented, so those are two really good points for her for how or why she could be saved.

Yet, the bishop denied her truth and scorned her talent, damning her for the very same reasons that she should have been saved.

Mormonism just doesn't work.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Really Good Christmas Dream

Well, it's Christmas morning, I'm the first person awake in my family, I haven't touched any gifts or stockings because I wanted to share something about last night's Christmas dream:::

Last night's Christmas Dream was particularly interesting.  It sounds kind of normal for me, except that this time it was just a dream, and didn't happen "for real".

In this dream, I remember I was in big trouble for some reason and the doctor's were extending my period of being locked up for whatever reason. I suppose that might be reminiscent of 10 years ago when my lockup in the hospital was extended for almost a whole more month and I was living in the hospital through Christmas.

Anyway, in this dream, people are all very discouraged about Mormonism and nobody really seems to like it anymore, and then there's a part where paranormality just seems to be bursting at the seems in our world.

I mean, in my dream, we, in massive social groups, start experiencing very strange paranormal phenomena that everyone sees and is even caught on camera.

Like, there was this one part in my dream when someone saw a flash of light in which Jesus appeared, and then quickly disappeared shortly afterward, and they caught it on camera.

It was just stuff like that going on in this dream, where really strange things start becoming more and more apparent to regular society, and is even caught on camera.

I think part of my dream involved a Jewish Boy and his Father, I can't really remember what happened though. I'm sitting here trying to remember that part of the dream but I am unable to. Sorry.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

What do these experiences mean?

So, I'm at a point in my life where I don't really believe in Mormonism anymore. Either the religion itself is fraudulent, or I had to live with too much garbage in my own life from the local church that I just don't want to be involved anymore::: for me LDS Mormonism is kaput.

But I look back at my life, I look at some of my experiences I had with the church while I still believed and was fully supportive::

1) Patriarchal blessing::: I saw pure white behind closed eyelids as I got my blessing, and parts of the blessing miraculously came true or almost came true.

2) Special Church Event::::  There was a special church event I attended at my LDS Stake Centre, I mean, this was a really special event, and as I stood in the parking lot after the event my Young Men's leader met me there and as we talked he told me my hair was blonde. How did my hair "magically" turn blonde at a special LDS Event?

3) A Conspiracy of Ravens::: I had a visit from the Elijah Ravens one Sunday, and at church that day the lesson mentioned the Elijah Ravens. This was a miracle that involved the LDS church directly.

4) Jesus Visits::: About the time Jeffery R Holland was in Calgary, I heard in my mind "you will see Jesus soon" and as I was out for my walk that day, well, guess who I saw? Someone who looked very Christ-like, and also very similar to Akiane the Lithuanian painter's depiction too. This experience may have been brought with the coming of Elder Holland. Was Jesus there to support him or detract from him?

5) Struck Dumb::::: I remember being Struck dumb for the whole length of one talk that President Hinckley once made during General Conference. Try as I might to vocalize a sound during his talk, as I remember I felt I was unable to.



Basically, there have been all kinds of miracles in my life, many of which seem to directly involve the LDS Mormon church.

??????


Yes ---- I know, some of us are at our wit's end about the LDS Mormon church, like me, either the church was historically fraudulent or they weren't treating me personally very nice in my own life, whichever the case, I didn't really want to be around it anymore....


But if the church is so untrue, as can be demonstrated by its effect on my life, or in history, THEN HOW ON EARTH DID I HAVE ALL THESE MIRACULOUS EXPERIENCES INVOLVING THE CHURCH????????

It's confusing as ever.  Was GOD always gonna be blessing me that way regardless of what religion I belonged to? Or was the DEVIL trying to convince me of a lie? Or was the LDS church really the authentic truth? (which seems hard to swallow now).

Basically, if no one ever mistreated me at church, if church history was ignored or had been different, with these miraculous experiences I never would have suspected that the church was untrue, or that I wouldn't want to attend anymore.




Personally, to me, it's clear there there is some miraculous reality in the LDS church.

It is also clear that they talk the talk but don't walk the walk, they toot their own horns so much but just turn out to be a let-down.

But it's unclear how such a "bad" church could have so much "good" magic about it. So strange.

Just something to think about, something to ponder.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Bee in the Bonnet but no one to talk to

So, I was sitting around and thinking, and I started thinking about some stuff, and then I got a bit of a bee in my bonnet to go and talk to someone about what I'm thinking about....

But then I realized::: even though the number of closer friends I've had has increased a bit in the past several weeks, there are maybe 2 people who I would write to to discuss this topic, but I don't think it's appropriate at this moment.

I thought about putting these thoughts on my blog, and then thought, no, that's not an appropriate place either.

The thoughts I want to discuss involve video games, and my mind is full of wanting to talk but at the same time realizing there isn't much of an appropriate person for me to talk to about what I want to say at this moment.

Just a big thing on my mind that I don't think I can let out right now. So, I guess I'm releasing some of the pressure by saying I want to discuss but can't on this post.

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As for my relationship with LDS mormonism::::: Ms. Sunshine is definitely very sunny and her kindness is hard to argue at, but in these past few days or week I've reviewed some facts about the LDS Mormon church and I've gone back to a position of not wanting to be involved --- in fact I feel a little guarded against the kindness of Ms. Sunshine as well.

Basically ---- there are many reasons, but a few are clear on my mind at any moment (except for when I forget) why the LDS church may be considered incorrect. I just remind myself of some of the problems and boom, I'm not interested anymore again and I actually feel sad that there are so many people who think they know it's true, when it's really hard to believe it's true once you've really examined it.

Anyway, yeah, I don't intend on ever going back to the LDS church. Ms. Sunshine's kindness is hard to argue with, I just have to keep fresh memories about why that church isn't so great.

I could probably write an essay right here about a few scriptures Joseph Smith wrote and tell you why I think it was fabricated by someone who had brain problems, but I'm not sure I will. Or maybe I will::::

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OK --- You know how in mormonism in the book of Mormon you have to do everything in your power, you have to max out your works before you get saved right?

Well, in D&C 132:26 we learn that you can do whatever you want as long as you don't kill anyone, and you'll be saved/exalted (as long as you have a proper marriage).

Yup --- the church that says "do everything in your power in order to be saved" just said in that scripture you can do whatever you want and you'll still receive the top glory. Contradictory doctrine, and it just doesn't sound right.

Then in D&C 132:27 we learn that Joseph Smith considered blasphemy against the holy ghost to be when you murder an innocent person.

Really??? When you murder an innocent person, Joseph Smith would call that "Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost".  ????

I can understand that Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost is unforgivable, and that murder is unforgivable, but blasphemy and murder are two completely different kinds of sins.

Blasphemy is saying something defamatory about deity.

Murder is wrongfully killing a person.

Yet somehow in Joseph Smith's mind, blasphemy and murder are actually the same thing, and now you can say whatever you like about the Holy Ghost, apparently.

I just have one question:: if 'blasphemy against the holy ghost' is defined as 'murder', then how do you define 'blasphemy against christ' or 'blasphemy against god the father'? Why is blasphemy against the holy ghost specifically defined as murder and why/how is it any different than blasphemy from other members of the godhead?

What I find really strange about Joseph Smith's definition is that blasphemy against the holy ghost doesn't actually involve the holy ghost itself in any way shape or form::: your blasphemy against the holy spirit, according to Joseph Smith, doesn't involve saying or doing anything involving the actual holy ghost itself.

It's sad, and it reminds me how the church can't really be seen as true.

Blasphemy is actually saying defamatory things about God.

Saying defamatory things about the Holy Ghost is actually, apparently, unforgivable.

And Joseph Smith was just making stuff up and calling it scripture. Just like Brigham Young did (that's another story though).

Thursday, December 11, 2014

A Facebook Apology

I posted the following apology to facebook today:

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I'm sorry for all my complaining about people not buying my books::: I swear, I rechecked my amazon sales reports and saw absolutely 0 purchases.
I examined my Amazon payment schedule and discovered that between June 1st and the end of July, I sold around 53 books on Amazon ---- but I swear that Amazon never reported those sales to me until it was time to pay up.
They still haven't told me which books sold or how many of each --- so I'm just sorry for all my complaining about how no one could pay me a little bit. It was in fact a complete surprise to find that much money in my bank account.
Sorry.

Monday, December 8, 2014

An Unexpected Delight

OK - so a week or two ago I learned from an authorhouse sales report that I actually did sell a copy of my one book in July.

Today, I looked at my bank account for a payment I was expecting from Amazon. I wasn't aware of much in the way of sales from Amazon, I thought that maybe I might be paid for selling like, one book.

Well, it turns out that regardless of how closely I've tried to watch my amazon sales reports, well, there's been some kind of clerical error in that either the reports are completely inaccurate or I've been paid money for sales I didn't make.

I mean, if this is a situation where I'm being paid with no actual sales, I mean, I actually, in my heart, kind of accept that, because I calculated that if I was paid for all the books that people "ripped-off" of me, I would be quite a bit richer.

So, I don't know where this money came from or what books I sold, but it was real nice to see.

I don't know if these are Eagle's Sore, LTW, or Aftermath sales, because the reports didn't indicate anything as such, but if I've estimated the value of money correctly, either I sold 47-60 books or I've had some great luck with Kindle Unlimited on the Eagle's Sore.

I am absolutely astonished.  It was just nice to see that. Thanks everyone.


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Now, part of me wonders if it was Mormons buying LTW or if it was gamers buying Eagle's Sore or whatever, I suppose my psychic powers should tell me that, but I'm not even gonna try --- I know, though I can prove some ability, that I am not capable of getting this assumption correct (or at least I doubt myself enough) -


So I just want to say to the LDS Mormon community, that if I did manage to guilt trip them into buying copies of my books, then thanks for caring. That was real nice.

Is LTW a pro mormon or anti-mormon book? It's kind of both, it's a mixed bag, just me rambling on about my own perspective.

I was thinking about some of the negative things I had to say about the church and I actually started finding it hilarious how misbehaved the church was. I mean, it looks like such serious error that it actually became hilarious for me this evening.

Basically, it was just thoughts of "God's plan of salvation is to force his children on drugs so they can be forgiven for their sins" or some line or lines of thought like that going on in my head ---- it was just so freakin' funny that I couldn't help but laugh and giggle to myself.

I guess that's a way of putting a positive spin on my negative comments.


But in all honesty, I do recognize some level of magical quality in the LDS church, and what the book says about it being possibly of god or the devil still stands.

The LDS church, has magic, and it is either of God or the devil. Sometimes it seems more likely to be of the devil ------ but I can just say I've finally found myself laughing about God's plan of salvation involving forcing his children on drugs for forgiveness of sins. Just hilarious.

(I'm talking about psychiatric drugs).


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Anyway, thanks everyone, I was given more than I expected to see, and though it looks like I had big success selling to many people, because of the cost or price of my book, I only made a decent sum, nothing too fancy.

Anyway, thanks.



And of course, if this is a situation where I'm paid "right" but my sales reports just aren't being reported, then I might as well re-iterate a suspicion I kind of had about the government secretly taxing me.

I could have sold any amount of product and I'd never find out about it. Could be the government.

And yes, that makes this very comparable to a very recent episode of South Park where Canada is building hospitals paid for by micro-pay from americans in video games. Just seems kind of relatable to my own paranoid thoughts of the government secretly taxing me and knowing that I'm not being told the truth about my sales.

But it's all good, it's fun, I don't mind lending a hand with my earnings, I think it's "OK" to a certain extent for this to happen, especially as if it really is the government taxing me then I suppose it's legit because they've only been paying for my welfare for so long now.

Anywho. Just seeing some extra money from the work of my own hands is happy and pleasant for me.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

More "Telepathy Zero" Fun - New High Score

So I downloaded the Telepathy Zero free app on my iPad, and spent a while testing with that.

I got a new High Score of 6. 6!!!!

That ranks me at 67th all time high scorer -- yay, something I appear to be somewhat decent or excellent at. Of course, the top all time scores are so high -- not sure I'll ever be that good.



So::: How do I do it?

A lot of the time I fail.

Yes, I am actually trying to use actual psychic power or telepathy or whatever.

Sometimes I look for an image in my mind,

Sometimes I listen for a thought,

Sometimes I feel it out in my fingers,

All these methods work, except for - uh - when they "don't".

What I mean by that is one of those three methods will work at any given time, but some times I find I have to choose the "opposite" of what my telepathic instincts tell me.

Yes - it's kind of sad, how sometimes my telepathic instinct are bang on, while other times I find they are deliberately misleading, which means the best choice is to do the opposite of what  my instincts say.

So what do I mean by opposite?

Like, if I get a "blue" reading I'll go red and it'll be right.

"Red" reading means green, and "green" means blue.


Yeah -- it's tricky -- Sometimes my instincts work bang on over and over again, and sometimes it's the opposite of my instincts that work bang on. So strange.


As for when I scored 6:::: I scored six feeling it out with my fingers, and following my instincts correctly, more or less a legitimate win following a method that The Amazing Kreskin taught in his one book.

Yay.

6 high score. new.

67 all-time-world-wide-on-ipad.

Yay.


EDIT:::

Just thought I'd include the stat that getting a 6-streak is 0.13% odds, or rather 1:729 -- a number that resembles my birthday - wow, coincidence.



UPDATE::::::

I just played another round of Telepathy Zero there on my iPad. After just minutes of playing, I scored a 7-streak.

So I've had many 3 streaks, a few 4 streaks, one 5 streak, a 6 streak, and now a 7 streak, all within about 24 hours of each other, maybe withing 25-27 hour period.

So, this time I was sitting next to my dad with my iPad, feeling out the answer with my fingers (believe it or not - the Amazing Kreskin taught this method and it works!) and I was like telling my dad on the 6th and 7th tries "I think it's blue", and it would be blue, and then on the 8th try I said to him "I think it's red or green. It's either going to be red or green. I'm going green, but don't be surprised if it's red".

I went green, and just like my 2nd choice indicated, it was red. Wow.

Anyway, the odds of getting a 7-streak are 1:2187  or 0.046% odds of happening.

I am really beating the odds.

Anyway, I'm ranked 33rd in the world now, out of 1600 players.  Yippee.

Game: Telepathy Zero:: Psychic Testing Fun

So, yesterday I saw a game on OUYA called "Telepathy Zero", it's a psychic test game, so last night I downloaded it and started attempting to read my OUYA's mind.

yesterday it was easy enough for me to get a 3 streak pretty quickly, a 4 streak, and then I got a 5 streak, which I made a youtube video of and will include a link in this post to.

The odds of getting a 5 streak are 1:243, a four streak 1:81 and a three streak 1:27.

So I got pretty good on my first day.


This morning I picked up the OUYA controller and recorded some more gameplay, which I will not post to video cuz it's dull, and nothing completely especially exciting happens.

But in the 1 hour and 6 minutes of testing I did this morning, I had many 1 and 2 streaks, SEVEN 3 streaks, and ONE 4 streak.


So, whatever that tells you about how good the test is or how good I am at the test.


I'm not so statistically great at statistics that I would know if I'm actually doing too good, but according to what I understand I'd have to do the test 189 times (or something like that) in order to get 7 three streaks.

did I do the test 189 times in just an hour and 6 minutes? Seems kind of far-fetched....

I'm just guessing I beat statistics again.


UPDATE:::

OK, so for a little while I had the wrong number of how many tests I'd have to do to get 7 three streaks. The number was updated to 189.

Now, while I was away from keyboard I was talking to my dad about how many individual throws you'd have to make to statistically get 7 three streaks.

We calculated it like this:

3(1:3odds of one throw)^3(three streak) * 7 (number of streaks) * 3 (number of throws per streak) = 567 individual throws.

So, we calculated that it would take 567 individual throws in order to statistically achieve 7 three streaks.

Of course, he also said that if you started your 3 streak on any random success rather than than on the 1st, 4th or 7th throw that this would affect the statistic, but I think that's too complicated for me right now as I never did very good in grade 12 stats.

Anyway, so you need 567 throws in order to achieve 7 three streaks statistically.

How many throws did I throw in that whole 1 hour and 6 minute period?

424 throws.

So, I got the same results as 567 with fewer throws, which should or maybe should mean that I have beat statistics.

As for the one 4 streak I got in that time, we calculate the number of individual throws it would take to achieve one 4 streak like this:

3(1:3odds of one throw)^4(four streak) * 1 (number of streaks) * 4 (number of throws per streak) = 324 throws.

So, I guess I just did what you would statistically expect in that period of time for that 4 streak.



Of course, if you also factor in my 4 and 5 streaks from the night before, it might be a little bit more amazing:::::   last night's 4 streak video was actually about 5 minutes long while the 5 streak video was about 9 minutes long::::::: I probably did pretty decently.




Who knows, maybe I'm just getting what one would statistically expect -- I'm no expert on statistics. I'm just talking about this because this is the sort of thing I'm in to.

Monday, December 1, 2014

New Thoughts on the Church

So, an old LDS friend was helping me feel much more positive about the LDS church and all that -- a bright and sunny attitude sending away the clouds of my grumpiness.

I kind of thought about some of my experiences and how those experiences would or should show the church to have some truth to it. If anything, the church is of God or Satan, but it's always been somehow magical.

So, I'm inspired to write this blog post today because I was standing in my bedroom when I "heard thoughts" (whether it be telepathy or inspiration or just my craziness) saying something about making some kind of changes or alterations to my patriarchal blessing.

The next thoughts I had were of how I said some very rude things in my final email to the Stake President.

Then I thought about what kind of changes might be made to my patriarchal blessing, like, if the church said I could have a new one, what would it say?

So, I was then struck by a thought about how completely needless and pointless it is or would be to go to church.

There's one big reason I don't talk about directly which is a good reason why I don't go back to church --- but I also thought about another reason why I figured I could safely ignore the LDS church in my life.

You know the Adam-God Doctrine that Brigham Young came up with?

Well, I thought, if Adam really was God, as Brigham Young taught, then that just means the LDS church has strayed from the true path and isn't worth my time anyway --- because if Brigham Young was right then the LDS church isn't believing in God properly anyway---

And then I thought:: If Brigham Young's declared doctrine that Adam was God was actually untrue --- if Brigham Young declared a doctrine that was not right at all, then that means LDS leaders can say any kind of garbage at any point, it'd be thought of as doctrine, but it's really just garbage ----

Which led me to the conclusion that there's still really no point in going back to the LDS church --- they say curiosity killed the cat, so I should avoid the curiosity of what my patriarchal blessing would turn into.

I was feeling a lot better about the church, it's hard to argue with all that kindness, I had some curiosity about my patriarchal blessing, but along with a certain issue that has bugged me for a while, I just looked at Brigham Young's doctrine alone and figured "What's the point of bothering with that church if that's how they deal with doctrine?"

Yup.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Powerful Precognition Experience, Glad it still happens

Well, I was laying in bed this morning telling myself how much I've lost any hope or chance to attain LDS Celestial Exaltation or anything as such, and then I used my ipad to check download and sales reports.

When I was checking my Amazon report, I found out that yesterday or last night someone downloaded The Book of Finch from amazon.com.


So, as I always do I go to amazon.com to check my sales rank::: but this time as I entered amazon.com I was overcome by a great thought telling me that I have one new review --- before I was able to see the review status on my book.


Yup::: despite having lost any hope of celestial exaltation, my mind experienced precognition anyway, where I'm aware of something true before I see it with any of my regular 5 senses.


Anyway, the new review (the 6th review on amazon.com) is 3 star, and the reviewer just says they "Don't know where this came from".



That wasn't too hard to read. I guess I'm just a 3 star kind of guy, and well, though it's not much of a review, I guess he's saying he doesn't know me or doesn't know calgary, or maybe it's in reference to Calgary 8th Ward which doesn't exist anymore.

As for my current position on the church::: I guess I am still capable of feeling good and positive about mormonism, especially as I've experienced wondrous things with that church----
but it's also not hard for me to see heavy and deep flaws in the organization. That combined with my own flaws and a historical unwillingness of the church to forgive those, and well, even with my wondrous testimony I'm not too interested anymore and the most I think about the church is mostly just my own psychological problems, trying to deal with it.
And, as I've said, I think I've lost whatever opportunity I may have ever had to attain that Celestial Exaltation. I'm done.





Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Avril's Salvation and Positive Thought Processes

So, the person who I will refer to as "Ms Sunshine" was getting me all into positive thinking, insomuch that I prayed to God that i would remember only good things and forget all the bad stuff.

That prayer mostly worked, but even so it's not hard for some problems to arise on my mind.

Anyway:: Back to the question of AVRIL LAVIGNE'S POTENTIAL SALVATION.

Either Avril Lavigne can or could have potentially been saved, or she could never have been saved. There is no third option:: she could come to heaven, or she could never come to heaven.

Well, as I said in The Book of Finch, ol' Bishop Stevens decided that I couldn't be friends with Avril because of the beat and tempo of her music being wrong and because she wore the wrong clothing.

Essentially, the bishop decided to damn Avril to hell because she's a rockstar and wasn't already a Mormon.

Now:::: I find it highly unreasonable and even just plain not right that someone would be damned to hell just because of popular musical talent.

I mean, what the Bishop essentially said was "She's a non-mormon rockstar so she'll go to hell for eternity" and he didn't think of any idea that she could ever have been saved.

So really, the Bishop decided that Avril would be damned to hell for completely frivolous reasons.

Of course, throughout my socializations on this topic, I have encountered numerous people, all mormon, who believe that Avril Lavigne in fact CAN potentially be saved.  God loves everyone, so Avril could be saved, and shouldn't be damned to hell.

Basically, it's a situation where people really do see and understand that the Bishop was, in fact, wrong in his position that Avril Lavigne could never be saved.

THE BISHOP WAS WRONG. It's that simple. Being a non-mormon rockstar is absolutely in no way a valid reason to damn someone to hell.

It is so very clear, in the eyes of so many people, that the Bishop did something stupid, he did something not right, the bishop was essentially consciously deciding to hurt someone just because they weren't already Mormon.

Anyway, somehow I did meet a couple LDS people who felt that the Bishop was in no way wrong and is such a good person that you could never criticize him, and that it was wrong to criticize him.



Just by saying "his decision was bad" or "his decision was wrong" I have criticized him.  And a couple people felt that I was wrong to criticize him, just because he was the bishop and therefore he must be a good person.


Anyway, if The Bishop cannot be criticized for what he said, then where does that put Avril's potential salvation?

Either Avril CAN be saved and the bishop was wrong,

or:

The Bishop was right and Avril will burn in hell forever just because she's not already LDS.



I am actually seriously surprised that people would prefer to damn Avril to hell for eternity just so they can say the bishop was never wrong about anything.  That is completely senseless and just plain, well, stupid.



Anyway, most LDS people I've talked to do seem to think that Avril could come to heaven,

Therefore the Bishop was wrong to criticize her music and clothing, and if criticizing her music and clothing was a bad idea, then there was really no good reason to say that she couldn't be friends with me.


Avril COULD be friends with me ---- The Bishop was actually just being completely unreasonable by trying to force an end to our friendship.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Too Happy and Super-Excitable

So, I'm still in a very good mood about Mormonism.  Today I visited LDS.org. I saw something about a youtube personality on LDS.org front page, Lindsey Stirling.  That was strange to me because LDS people had just been telling me on Facebook that the church isn't there to drive traffic or customers to privately held businesses, which I thought was a strange thing to tell me, and I was confirmed in that notion by the fact that LDS.org had Lindsey Stirling right there on their front page.

Anyway, I've looked at a few of Lindsey Stirling's videos.

Her one video, combined with the preceding advertisement, really made me think and got me over excited about small similarities I saw with The Eagle's Sore (mostly the advertisement, though, actually).

Anyway, I then thought about how 22 Jump Street has a scene in it which appears to be relatable to a scene in The Eagle's Sore, thinking that Sony may have just lifted it from my book (I was a Sony shareholder when they released that movie)...

Then I thought back to last year, 2013.

In spring of 2013, I actually started work on A SEQUEL TO THE EAGLE'S SORE.  I finished the first few chapters, let it sit for a while, and then I noticed something strange:::

Remember how I reported that Avril Lavigne's music video for Rock n Roll seemed to draw inspiration from Disney and Eminem?

Well, I also had some reason to suspect that she may have hacked my sequel file or read my book or something because her music video also seemed to have had inspiration from The Eagle's Sore and the Sequel.  Just comparable things.

Anyway, yeah, I kept it quiet that I suspected she hacked my files, but I just felt like writing this blog post, exposing this little thing, now, because I wanted to say:::

I was working on a sequel to The Eagle's Sore, but then I stopped when I saw Avril Lavigne's music video because she "copied" me and people would think my sequel was copying her.

I also realized there was absolutely no money in me writing books, because even if I did advertise and get over 900 readers::: of the 1000+ readers of my book who I am aware of::: only ONE ever paid for a copy.

Yup::: I gave away ~100 at release, advertised a bunch, eventually (according to a site of low repute) over 900 people ripped off The Eagle's Sore, so there are probably over 1000 readers of that book now, and of all the 1000 readers, only ONE person has ever given me money for the book, and that was just because she was being very nice (and it really did lift my mood too).

Anyway.  Yeah.  I pretty much said everything I was thinking there.  This is the first time I've publicly stated that I thought there was too much similarity between Avril Lavigne's music video and a book I was working on which had not yet been completed or released ---- which occurrence in itself, (spoiler alert!) can be seen as the sort of thing that would happen in the book series.

Anyway.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

I seem to be seemingly turning Pro-Mormon again.

OK, so like I said, I have this old LDS friend who is shining her sunshine on me and I feel lifted right up about it. The negative emotions and attitudes are disappearing, and I'm becoming more positive and happy about things.


Part of my tentative conversion back to Mormonism is a story that happens near the end of The Book of Finch::::

I sent Dallin H Oaks a letter. I swore at him in that letter. I was very upset about what I went through in the church.

Later that year, I had impressions on my mind 3 nights in 1 week, telling me to go outside so I could see or meet Jesus Christ.

All three nights when I went outside, I DID SEE SOMEONE WHO I would've identified as Jesus Christ.


Anyway, on the second night, Jesus never said a word, but he did make hand-signals at me.

I have since learned that one of those hand-signals was a lot like, resembling, or just the very same as a hand signal used in LDS temple rituals.

OK - I probably shouldn't say more even though I'm not under any covenants of keeping it quiet, but just to not rock the boat:::

I've never been to the LDS temple ceremonies beyond baptisms for the dead.

After writing hate-mail to Dallin H Oaks, Jesus Christ appeared to me, and one of the hand-signals he made resembled an LDS temple thing.

I've got an old LDS friend who is being very sunny, I have found friendship, and I can't help but feel a pro-moromon attitude arise in me, bolstered by my testimony of Jesus.


For a long time it was hard for me to tell if the Jesus I saw was the Mormon Jesus or the Christian Jesus, and maybe it's still too difficult to tell for certain, but right now my mind is totally going "That was Mormon Jesus!!!" Hah. Who knows.


Anyway, my LDS friend has agreed with me that Avril Lavigne can potentially be saved.


Which means there are divided parties in the LDS church, as near as I can tell.  There are the wheat, and there are the tears.  There's the good and the bad.

I can now conceptualize in my mind a good Mormon, being pro-mormon, and then ignoring some of the garbage some of these "LDS" people come up with. Yay. :)

Telepathy Experience with Avril "Bandaids"

So, here is yet another little telepathy experience I had just recently involving Avril Lavigne Bandaids.


Yesterday as I was going about my business, I heard a thought in my mind say something along the lines of "Kicked off the forum" or "almost kicked off the forum", or something like that.

Of course, I had no idea what that meant or if it had anything to do with anything because I'm not involved in any forum activity right now.


Well, this morning I went into facebook, only to find a facebook post by Avril Bandaids that said they are working to resolve a bug they have in their forum.


Their forum apparently has some issues, and yes, I see this as being directly related to the thoughts I heard yesterday.


Basically --- just more evidence of a real telepathic relationship with Avril or something.



The reason it was so important for me to demonstrate or prove my telepathy esp telepathy with Avril is because I was telepathizing with her since 2003, but in 2004 the Bishop said I had nothing to do with her, that we were not actually "with" each other.

Well, all the telepathy I've done says we are with each other, which means the bishop was wrong.


Unfortunately, I'm not sure LDS church people are even capable of admitting that their bishop was actually wrong about something, so that's just kind of sad.

Anyway.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Sunny & Grumpy

I'm writing this on my iPhone right now so I probably won't say much, I just want to say that an old friend from church is making my life a bit more sunny, I can feel it affect my mind and emotions - but I can't help but remember all sorts of problems and get grumpy.

On one hand I know the church probably isn't for me, and on the other hand I see an individual being very friendly and inviting.

Her sunshine is powerful but my grumpiness is strong. It's confusing.

I am actually now wishing I weren't so negative, yet my mind remembers past wrongs so easily.

All very difficult to reconcile and very confusing.

I'm sorry, life's not perfect I guess.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Feeling Rejected by Mormonism

I grew up poor. I've never learned to drive a car because my or my family's finances were never good enough for that.

Being poor means I can't have a family of my own, and it's difficult because I'm disabled enough that it's hard for me to socialize and therefore work for a living, and the government income I'm on is just enough to get my debts paid eventually --- but there's little to no hope of ever marrying.

The LDS church said I would be sealed to a companion of my choice. They said I would be a travelling preacher to the nations as a young man.

Not only did the completely reject me from marrying any girl I would have wanted to marry (as at those points in life I might have had a hope of getting out of the hole), and thus also neglected to save Avril Lavigne's soul --- but I am actually seeing myself as financially incapable of doing what the church said I would do --- getting married and being a travelling preacher.

I COULD have been a travelling preacher (maybe) if the church didn't reject any notion of friendship between me and Avril Lavigne, but the church wanted to be hilarious so I couldn't go down that path in life.

So, another path I could follow to get to the goal of having a family and travelling and preaching for the Lord would be to sell product online and use those proceeds to fund the life the church said I was supposed to live.

I calculate that if 1/4th of the church (the 'church' meaning ~5 million active members, so about 1.25 million people) just bought only one of my products online from me each, for about $0.99 per product, I could afford to at least have a family - hopefully.

Basically, by putting out my books and videogames I'm the beggar with the tin-cup extended looking for just $1 each from my people.

There are beggars, who I find can get $0.25-$10 just for asking without providing any services.

I'm asking for just $0.99 from each individual, and I provide a product in exchange for that $0.99.

But does my church care about me enough to help me do what they said I was supposed to do? Of course not! Most people in the church don't give a rat's ass about me! And if they do download even a free product from me, the chances I'll ever get paid seem extremely remote!


Anyway --- The LDS church gave me that patriarchal blessing, it seems, without any care of helping me or even allowing me to achieve the things I was blessed with.

Maybe the church is punishing me for some sin and won't let me have my blessings because I did something naughty.

So much for the "forgive all men" requirement.

And if they are acting in God's name to punish me -- isn't it interesting that our kind merciful loving and gracious heavenly father and his son, well, God, essentially --- isn't it interesting that God would be the most unforgiving of all the mormons?

The mormons say such nice things about him, like I listed in the above paragraph, but according to their own doctrine GOD is actually the least forgiving and most uptight mormon that's ever supposed to have existed.

Everyone forgives. Except God. To earn forgiveness from God, it's a lot of hard work and suffering.

And that's what's strange about this situation:: I offered my whole lifetime of service to God so I could be forgiven of my sins, but the church instead punishes me in God's name so I won't be able or allowed to provide the service I offered.

If it's not God punishing me, then the only other option is that the people of this church are all failing to do as they are supposed to --- which is probably the more correct answer.

Anyway - that's just my rant.

I COULD do what my patriarchal blessing said I'd do, but the church rejected Avril Lavigne from salvation (which makes the church seem dick-ish) and even if I hold out my tin-cup looking for my $1 from ~1/4th of all the mormons, they wouldn't give it to me.

Either they won't help me because they are all disobedient (the commandment to help the poor) or they think they can punish me for my sins.

I offered my whole lifetime of service to be forgiven for those sins. If they punish me so quickly I WON'T be able to work them off. God said what he wanted me to do in that patriarchal blessing, and if he's not going to let me work for my forgiveness then I guess I'm just damned forever. The church wouldn't even give me a chance to put forth the effort to find the forgiveness.

I offered my whole lifetime in service. And the church rejected me. What more can I offer? I have nothing more than my lifetime to offer.

I already did everything I could do --- according to Mormonism, I should/may receive my salvation anyway, I guess. It's just disappointing that the church appears so dysfunctional.

Who I should be

So, for quite a while I've been asking God the questions: "Who should I be? What should I be doing?"

More or less, God always seems to respond with an idea that I can be and do whatever I want to be or do.

I have an idea that this response stems from my history with the LDS church where if God actually told me something, the LDS church would disbelieve, deny it, and call me crazy.

Essentially, if that's the way the church responds to my personal revelation from Him, if that is how the church responds to my prayerful communications, then God can't really instruct me to do anything specifically because no one would believe me about my instructions.

He just lets me do whatever I want.


I also get an idea that because the church would reject my personal revelation for myself as insanity, that the church isn't really true either.



I know a few days ago I was overcome by the kindness of old mormon friends, and I had no way to argue with that --- but as of last night I just had to remember how my patriarchal blessing turned out and this morning I'm asking God what I should do ----- and regardless of these people's kindness to me along with their truth claims ---- I cannot see how the church could actually be true in my own mind.


If the church was true, God could tell me to be or do something and the church wouldn't argue with it.

But historically, when God has asked me to be or do things, the church argues vehemently and calls me crazy - forcing me on drugs.

If that's how the church responds to personal revelation, then the church isn't really true, and God knows better than to try to get me to do anything (because no one will accept my personal revelation even if I am just discussing my own life).

There you go.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Maintaining a Good Mood

So, the day after my post before this one, I was visited by an old LDS friend.

She bore gifts.

It's very hard to argue with that much kindness.

I practically forgot a lot of problems for quite a while, and I'm still in a very good mood about my old friends show of kindness and sympathy.

If the LDS church is the devil's church -- then I can only suppose that all the nice and kind behavior is just part of the deception-

but it's very difficult to argue with that nice and kind behavior.

I am in a very good mood, and for a long time I attributed a level of satisfaction with what the LDS church could be or trying to achieve.

Since, I've remembered parts of the LDS disaster (the church does seem like a big disaster in my life), balanced that with the miraculous things I learned in the church, and realized that every individual is different, and that my friend who gifted me was doing so from her own free will which may have been influenced by the church.

Yes- I'm still in a good mood, I'm not thinking the sad thoughts I usually have about mormonism.

Basically:: the kindness of this individual has lifted me out of my pit of begrudging anguish, and I'm in a good mood, and it's hard to stay mad at the church after that.

But --- I do remember that some people in the church are contrary to me rather than friendly, and that counter-balances whatever desire I may have had to return to church.

Besides, I might never fully reactivate in mormonism with all my coffee drinking and my seeming inability to calm down my hormones, or those demons, or whatever the case may be.

Anyway --- just sayin' I'm still in a good mood about the church, and it's largely because someone was being very friendly towards me.

The Amazing Kreskin teaches that hypnosis works through the power of suggestion. Through a suggestion, you can feel happy and uplifted as my friend recently did to me, and I even imagine that through suggestion you can even feel grumpy or angry or hurt.

I'm saying this because I was taught in church that "no one can make you angry, you control your attitude", being taught that no one else has any power over your emotions, essentially.

I would say that this teaching from church is actually a false teaching. Hypnosis is powerful::: the suggestion of someone's behavior on your mind could create good or bad feelings, I think.

The church teacher was basically saying "people can be dicks all the time but you shouldn't respond to that because you are perfectly capable of controlling your emotions and not letting it get you down".

I would say that teaching might be true for SOME people, but for others it is not true. The power of suggestion may influence your emotional state.

I remember, especially in grade 12 -- that I was very easily driven to tears, and I had a very hard time controlling some of my emotions.

And as for the angry outbursts::: after the way I was treated by the angry and dishonest Liabilitys, and the Liabilitys were forgiven for their behavior, I would have thought that my anger would be let off the hook too. Nope -- it was the case of a double standard, where one Mormon family gets to be as abominable as they want and be let off the hook while if I was anything similar I would be punished for it.

That's another reason why I'm not sure I'd really return to mormonism.

But all in all, I'm in a much better mood, I don't have all kinds of negative thoughts about the church, and the tangent I went on in this blog post was the most negative my thinking about the church has been all day.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Looking Kindlier Upon the LDS Church Again

So, it's 6pm and the day is ending with me feeling nicer, happier, kindlier towards the LDS church again.

One LDS person sent me a nice and supportive facebook post and encouraged me to forget past wrongs --- that started to boost my mood today.

Then my brother mentioned a scripture to me in The Book of Mormon, and after hours of not totally understanding him or thinking about it --- it suddenly struck me how that scripture may be seen to apply to me personally in how I experienced the church.

A friend of my dad's from church visited us today, and we had a good long chinwag, and I felt comfortable with that.



So ---- I just have to say, that at the end of today I get a sense of "good rapport" from the Mormons.



I do kind of still have confusions or questions about the LDS church like history and doctrine, but my personal relationship with those people is "looking up", it would seem, if today is any indication.


I would like to discuss the scripture my brother shared with me and how I see it apply in my own life -- but I won't because I'm guessing that someone out there may find it offensive in some way, shape, or form. I'm not taking any firm positions right now, but at least I might have gained insight into what happened in my life.

And I just feel better and happier about the LDS church after today.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

First Telepathy for quite a while

So, it's been a while since I last posted about telepathy experiments. One big reason for this is that of the few tests I did over the past months, I mostly didn't do very well, achieving 0/3's and maybe a few 1/3's.

Today I did 4 telepathy tests.

The first test was alphanumeric (letters and numbers) pick 3 with my Dad. I completely failed.

The second test was number-only pick 3 with my dad::: again I completely failed.

I then said a prayer to God regarding telepathy and tried again with my Mom, on a number-only pick 3 test:::

I put down 4 numbers and she put down 3, but one of my numbers was right. Not really very impressive, but ~1/3.

The next test is the reason why I'm posting this post though: I did one more number-only pick 3 with my dad.

I said: 9 4 2.

He said: 9 7 2.

2/3.

Yay. Maybe God decided to let me have some ability again after my prayer, or maybe I just got really lucky --- but I calculate the odds of getting 2/3 in the right order to be:::

0.9% chance, or ~1:111 odds.


In grade 12, when my brain broke down, I didn't do very well in statistics, but to me this does look like the right answer. It makes sense in my mind that this is a reasonable statistic.

So, I did 4 tests, 3 of them failed horribly, but the last one I beat the odds. Yay.


UPDATE  4:13PM::::

So, I just did one more, the fifth, telepathy test today with my Dad, Number-only pick 3.

I said: 4 2 6

He said: 4 0 6


So: that's two 2/3 tests in a row, both with odds of 0.9% happening each. Twice in one day, two in five tests, at such low odds. Cool.

I guess I got a bit of my ability back.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Saw an Old Friend

So a couple days ago I met up again with someone I once knew from school. This is the first time in a long time that I really had a close personal contact with someone I knew.

Living a very lonely life, I'm afraid that I might've seemed a bit self-centred in the discussion. Talking about what I knew and thought, and of course freaking him out with how crazy I am. OK - he didn't seem freaked out - but my life is so crazy you'd think he should be freaked out.

I told him why I don't go to school. My brain has a way of turning "off". It's kind of like I'm haunted by some supernatural force in my head or something ---- I told him how I've been reading the bible and I'm able to read that book just fine, without any thinking difficulty.

But when I try to read a novel --- as has happened quite a bit in the past little while --- my brain turns off and I am unable to concentrate on the literary work I was trying to enjoy.

Like, for days before he met me I was having this thing where I could read the bible fine, but my brain turned off when trying to read a novel.

I was at a shopping mall this evening, and as I sat in the mall waiting for my mom to finish shopping in one store, I figured I could try reading an ebook on my phone ---- but nope, brain just turned off.

Anyway --- I am pretty much psychologically or intellectually disabled. I've seen and experienced so much crazy stuff in my life -- and then I find it hard to concentrate on something I want to do, so yes - I am pretty much disabled.

But I also think I've proven God's existence. Though on one hand it's clear I can't function as I once did, it's also clear that there is some kind of greater and even magical force out there.

Anyway, Jesus said that many who are first shall be last and the last shall be first. I am a perfect example of this.

Throughout my schooling leading up to grade 11, I knew I was pretty much top of the class, I did pretty darned good at pretty much anything I did. 98% chem final exam in grade 11 was the last time I could be glorified for my intellectual talent --- and yes -- that was the top mark in the class.

I was first, and then I became last, because in Grade 12 my brain shut down and things I found easy to do in grade 11 became pretty much or near impossible.

Anyway -- the story continues, I met a friend the other night:::

The friend reminded me of our grade 10 science class together. Most memorable moment I was involved in::: I was right near the big explosion in that class. He remembered it, and so did I. One of those real memorable things from High School that it was just nice to know I had met someone else who also who also experienced it with me.

Anyway, this evening on the way to the mall, my brain actually did start working again and I remembered the chemistry equation that caused the explosion. First time in a long time I did any chem.

Sodium reacts with Water to produce Sodium Hydroxide and Hydrogen.

Hydrogen reacts with Oxygen in the air to create Water and a big explosion that left sodium hydroxide spattered all over my arm, as apparently my old friend from school remembered, which part of the story I do not remember personally. I mean -- I supposedly got sodium hydroxide all over my arm and he remembers this but I don't. I just remember sodium hydroxide getting all over the roof above the explosion.

Anyway. yeah. Nice to spend a bit of an evening playing OUYA games with an old classmate.

I almost wonder if people might look up to me too much with how I was the top of the class for so long growing up --- because I am not the brightest crayon in the box anymore.

I am considered intelligent by those around me, and I even see that my family has a certain intelligence about it ----- but though we have some level of intelligence, we also have some level of disability and thinking problems.

And that's just life I guess.

I just feel maybe people expect more out of me than I'm probably capable of providing.

Anyway - yeah -- nice to have some time to meet up with an old classmate. Yay.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Parable of the Finches

I remember a few General Conferences ago (while I still paid attention) that Boyd K Packer gave a talk, and in his talk he told a story, which may be considered a sort of parable, about Finches and a snake.

I thought it was so cool, because I understood his "parable" to have direct relevance to my life.

There was a time when I totally loved the Mormon/LDS church. After experiencing all kinds of problems with that organization, I don't feel I can operate in it anymore.

I can verify and will never deny the miraculous nature of the LDS church --- I KNOW they have some kind of magic about them ----- they may actually be from God, for all I know, and maybe all that stuff about church history was false accusations ----- but because of my personal issues with the church I find it easier just to accept that the church is the devil.

This morning I was talking to God about my purpose in life, what I'm supposed to be doing.

Turns out I'm on vacation, I'm on holiday.

In my book and on my website I don't think I have publicly discussed one of the big issues that just happens to negate whatever effort I may have ever tried to make to serve God. I don't think I did anything wrong, but there is a big reason why I have nothing to do anymore. And it's kind of sad.

Anyway, the LDS church, whether it be of God or the Devil, really is magical/miraculous, as far as I know or have experienced.

I just find it easier to accept that it's the Devil's church because of the serious problems I've experienced with those people.

But I keep it in mind about just how cool it was to be essentially mentioned in parable format in General Conference. As near as I could tell ---- what Boyd K Packer said had everything to do with me, and I find it to be a pleasant memory.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

After Letters to Whomever Ended

I apologize if it seems like I'm constantly spouting off the same things over again and I can't shut up --- I have psychological issues, I need to talk about my problems, my dad doesn't discuss it with me, and I just have a feeling of an urge to need to talk about stuff.


In The Book of Finch, the Bishop decided that Avril Lavigne would not be saved. And if the church did decide to save Avril --- for some reason I specifically was restricted from being friends with her.

It seemed kind of unreasonable that the church would damn Avril to hell just for being a rockstar, and in the case the church did decide to save her - it seemed unreasonable that I would be restricted from being her friend because she sings about me and I was supposed to be a travelling preacher to the nations, and it didn't make sense that a travelling preacher would be specifically disallowed by his bishop from being friends with a girl who sings about said preacher when the holy ghost said they should be together and it was only the bishop's opinion that the holy ghost would not have said that.


When you think about it, if I was going to be a "famous mormon" who would teach the gospel to the world, it doesn't make sense that Avril Lavigne would have to be specifically excluded from dealings with me --- especially when she does appear to be singing about me. Doesn't make any sense at all.


And it didn't make sense that I'd have to just sit there and live in a church that treated me as bad and dishonestly as the Liabilitys (fake code name) did whilst not having any relationship with a singer who actually told the truth and was being kind to me.


In Letters To Whomever, I think I had some contact with someone from the church who visited my home who did admit that the Bishop was in fact actually wrong to enforce his personal opinion on me as bishop etc.


After Letters To Whomever was over, I was visited by someone else from the church who was belligerent that I would ever criticize my leaders.

Anyway, when a leader can be so freakin' seriously wrong, and then you still aren't allowed to criticize or say anything --- it's clear the church isn't true.

Just look at Luke 6:26:: it's bad if all men speak good things about you, because that is how they treat false prophets.

It becomes understood that Mormon leaders are false prophets who must be obeyed and can't be criticized.

The system doesn't work.

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And I would also want to continue expounding on the topic of what forgiveness is and how the LDS church didn't behave anywhere near reasonable in the realm of crime, punishment and forgiveness, but that seems unnecessary, like beating a dead horse with a stick.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Illustrating what mormons mean by 'forgive'

I just feel like posting another written illustration of the difference between the word "forgive" to most people and what it means to mormons::

Dictionary.com defines the word "forgive" as "to pardon someone", essentially to say it in my own words (based on the dictionary).  "Forgive" and "pardon" are seen as synonymous.

So:::

When someone is pardoned of theft or murder: what happens? When someone is pardoned of theft or murder they stop being punished for that crime - or at least, that's how I understand it -- and that's how I understand forgiveness to work too, if you are forgiven of what you did, it will not be held against you.

So::

In Mormonism, when someone is forgiven of theft or murder, are they punished?

As I have understood it, a person forgiven of a crime in mormonism still has to face the punishment but the victim or the offended just isn't angry anymore.



So though the Dictionary says forgiveness and granting pardon are the same thing, and they really are the same thing to most of us:::


Mormons hold that you can be forgiven of your sins yet still be punished for them at the same time.


At least, that is how I've understood it.


Mormons changed the definition of the word ---- and I think the LDS church is fraudulent personally.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

On Parental Insanity and the Mormon Solution

So, when I was growing up for a while in my late teens, a common theme in my life was hearing my dad complaining about the neighbours and always having his tools all over the place because he's trying to fix the damage he perceives our neighbours have done to our vehicles.

My dad was absolutely obsessive about this idea that a community of our neighbours was vandalising our transportation to force us out of our home.

My mom told me that my dad is actually crazy. This is before/shortly before I went insane myself. My mom made it very clear to me that my dad was actually having brain problems -- that he was completely deluded and insane or something.

Anyway, I, as the history goes, I started to have a tendency to rebel against my father. I discovered that I didn't have to listen to what he said anymore.

What did the Mormon church think? The mormon church thought it was appropriate to tell me that I HAVE to obey my crazy and deluded father.

That's correct::: My mom who is a trained medical doctor diagnosed my father with a mental illness before I came down with anything, and in my rebellion I'm being told that I'm supposed to obey the crazy man, the LDS church has told me this.

I mean, the LDS church told me I'd work miracles, but when the psychiatrist determined that I was crazy because I believed in miracles, the LDS church or bishop did nothing to defend my belief and even encouraged the psychiatry. Later when the psychiatric doctors discovered my patriarchal blessing, they decided that I wasn't so much crazy as I was either legit or misled --- I am not actually schizophrenic according to the new diagnosis.

But the LDS church thought I was schizophrenic (for having believed what they told me) and that I should be obeying my Dad, who my mom says is crazy.


Anyway, so in my dad's crazy and deluded or at very least very upset state about neighbours and their vandalism, he asked the church what he should do to deal with neighbours who wrong us so much.

In my experience with the LDS church, whenever you try to take someone to law in church over anything, the only response you will ever get from the Bishop or Stake President is D&C 64 that you are required forgive the person who wronged you.

So, it can be understood that the church required us to forgive the neighbours causing my dad's problems.

Now::: what did they mean by this forgiveness?? First off::: the church didn't lift a finger to help us prosecute any criminal acts.

Forgiveness in this case was "completely let it off the hook AND don't even remember that it's happening" --- which means the church did dick all to help us respond to a situation in our community. It also means we went on living our lives with my dad constantly reminding us of something we were supposed to forget and never realize was still happening.

Anyway ---- the church did dick-all (that's canadian for 'nothing') to help my father deal with possibly criminal matters in our home and community.....


so later when I strike the missionaries' car (after the church rejected my testimony of the Holy Spirit), here I am actually testing them to see how well they forgive me.

Did they forgive me?? If you call being locked up, drugged and told to not believe in God anymore forgiveness....

anyway, when my dad had his problems with being vandalised, the church's definition of forgiveness there was "do dick all about it",

but when I did something to the missionaries the church's response of forgiveness was to make me suffer, which wasn't really forgiveness when you think about it --- oh and I got the punishment on top of making restitution for damages.

So if I understand mormonism, they were supposed to forgive me even if I did nothing to pay for the crime --- but we did pay for the damages and they still made me "suffer the consequence" of what I did.

So, basically::

Church tells me to obey crazy dad.
Crazy dad told by church to forgive a whole list of perceived wrongs.
Church fails to forgive son who is upset about church blaspheming holy ghost,

and I guess I could also mention "church leaders forgiven for blaspheming holy ghost".

Yup. That's another story about why I don't trust mormons anymore.

I can see that people are clearly upset with the LDS mormonism, and I am too.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Problems to Think About

OK - I have learned that many people from many different religions experience feelings upon questioning God that make them think their own religion is the truth.

Every religion is different, but each religion is believed in for the same reason --- because asking God produces a feeling.

This of course, just began to help me understand that maybe there are brain issues involved in such "spiritual" experiences, and that God has nothing to do with it, unless God wants us to believe random things, or unless that feeling is actually the devil.

Now --- Where do I fit in all this?

I did not lie when I told my experiences.

I am a legitimate nutjob, I grew up with LDS Mormonism, it drove me crazy --- but some things need questioning.

Avril Lavigne seemed, to me, to be a sort of fulfillment of my patriarchal blessing. She may have been put there, singing "about me" because of God, but she also may have been put there by man-made influences.

The real big question, and a real seriously sad and spooky question::: why was my next door neighbour reported having been shot to death on Christmas Day in 2006 only for a couple months later for Jim Carrey to release a movie that is essentially about my life::: including the death of a next door neighbour on "someone's birthday".

My neighbour is reported dead, and a movie about me is released that says as much.

Was all that purely man made? Did my next door neighbour even actually die? And why did my lottery tickets print out so many 23s?? Is it some kind of CIA or CSIS conspiracy?

Of course, lets not forget that when it comes to personal experiences with deity or personal revelation:::: I am actually a truly serious case of absolute "hallucination".

I mean, I could be sitting in bed, or sitting anywhere for that matter, and I know that I have had many experiences where I feel like I am actually engaged in sexual relations with a person who is not physically or visibly present with me where I am. I just feel the interaction.

Also:: most notably in October 2010, I hear thoughts in my mind telling me Jesus will appear soon, and I do actually get to see someone who I would identify as Jesus. Your mind is blown right?

I am actually serious. All these kinds of experiences have settled down in the past while, although sometimes I still wonder about some of the lights I notice in my darkened bedroom.

Anyway --- it does seem kind of fraudulent that we would ask God questions regarding the truthfulness of random religions and find out they are all true even though that doesn't really work:::

But personally, I think it would be reasonable if we could SCIENTIFICALLY examine things I know to have happened in my own life. Don't believe in any notion of anything about me in blind faith --- I try to be truthful, but if I thought something was God and it turned out not to be, you know what I mean.

Anyway. yeah. How can we measure the truthfulness of my claims? I don't intend on travelling and preaching anymore, I intend to enjoy my own personal and private life ----

But perhaps we should be asking the question::: What exactly is Kris Attfield experiencing in these experiences?

Why hallucinate being touched sexually? Why see visions of Jesus? Why is the next door neighbour dead, and where did the popular media about him come from?

I think I have proven to some extent the reality of "God", or something like that. You may not believe that I proved God, therefore I may be crazy, so just wonder, first of all::: was the media just being playful when they reported my next door neighbour died? If he actually died::: is that not in itself a real evidence of an existent God or Devil?

anyway, I don't want to control anybody, but I would like to get my experiences figured out. I'm probably not just "totally loony", as I see reality in my experience, but if I am just a loony, then great, I live on my government disability welfare --- and that works for me.

I guess it's all just about finding the truth. there was so much that happened, and I don't know if we'll ever really figure it out. I would like to know what the actual truth of what I experienced is though. And yes --- it's hallucinatory, but when your hallucinations involve successfully predicting the future, well, something is going on - right?


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Earlier today I thought maybe I'd post about peacemaking and asking everyone to get along, stop fighting, live peacefully, coexist harmoniously. But then I realized that I don't know every situation of every person or society in the world, and thought that maybe I'd be insane to try and take on that topic - with my limited knowledge and experience.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Being a reasonably obedient mormon but finding there's too much control in the church.

Today I just remembered some things from my life, and I guess I should post these memories here, so you too, whoever you are, can also know.

When I grew up in Mormonism, I took my baptismal covenant seriously. I actually wanted and tried to obey and be part of the religion.

One thing I did with my Mormonism is I kept the Sabbath Day Holy.

That meant Sunday is not a work day. Sunday is a day of rest.

So, I did my homework on friday night or saturday, and Sunday was my day off. I actually followed that rule.

So, one sunday, I've got nothing to do, and I feel like relaxing a bit and enjoying a videogame. I loved videogames.

So, on my day of rest, a Sunday, I started playing a game on my computer.

Lo and behold, my Mom starts screaming at me to turn off the computer. It's like, apparently totally unlawful to enjoy your day of rest by playing videogames.

Especially when your sisters are doing their homework.

Yup ---- My mom treated me like I was wrong to rest on sunday and enjoy a videogame while she wanted to let my sisters do their homework on their holy day.

Compute in how church leaders are obsessive about making us obey our parents, and obviously I am going to be insane.

I mean -- I obeyed the rule, I didn't work on Sunday, yet for some reason a relaxing pass-time of playing videogames is also wrong on that day.

It was somehow right or OK for my sisters to do their schoolwork on that day while it was wrong for me to play a videogame. Apparently I was supposed to be reading my scriptures or something.

Which is strange, because every day is a scripture reading day in mormonism (note:: I practically aced seminary, I knew the ins and outs of the book of mormon like no other student), yet apparently Sunday is an especially important scripture reading day without any room for other things like videogames.

Blew my mind. My sisters are doing their homework, and they're allowed to do that, while I'm being screamed at to not play videogames.


When I mentioned this to my dad today, he said he and mom were just trying to do as they were told.

I remember that bishop::: the kind of bishop who won't even let you be friends with Avril Lavigne even though she sings about you and you are friends anyway.

Yup --- apparently it was so important to not play videogames and not be friends with Avril Lavigne that my mom, at one point, felt like getting rid of the internet connection.

And of course, I can probably safely assume the Bishop was behind it all, or at least someone at church.

Yes --- I grew up being sexually molested by demons (or maybe it was grandma) and being unable to avoid sex --- but this is the church that will just punish you and say "you should have resisted the demon harder", or, though your hormones really are beyond your own control, the church will condemn you for being what you are.


Yeah.

So, though I reasonably obeyed Mormonism by not doing my homework on sunday (and also being the top of the class in school), for some reason I had to be told to not play videogames on my day of rest or to not be friends with Avril Lavigne even as my sisters were encouraged to do their homework on the Holy Day.


Yes --- I am a completely freakin' mental case after that.

The church won't allow a fun passtime, won't allow friendshipping with someone who is absolutely amazing, will turn off the internet connection and then encourage the young ones to do their school work on the holy day.

What a church.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Stand Up for Canada

I didn't want to comment today, because with some of the subject matter of this blog, maybe I'd be asking for trouble (from any source),

But I feel driven to say a bit about how Canada is a great country, and ever since 9/11 I felt a great deal more patriotism for my great nation.

I am upset that someone would perform such an awful act towards Canada or Canadians, and I believe Canada to be such a great nation that I would understand anyone who takes a serious position against Canada in such a way to be deluded.

If I wasn't so mentally ill, and/or if I wasn't so physically unfit, perhaps, maybe I too would want to serve Canada.

Weighing almost 400 pounds, I am clearly not physically fit.

My mental illness may range anywhere from just feeling unmotivated or lazy to thinking I can see and talk to God - who knows how I wrong I am.

But my desire to serve Canada would stem from being a bit patriotic, as well as knowing "it would be a job, something to do".

Anyway, I love Canada, and I'm proud of my country.


I didn't want to say anything for fear of trouble, but I feel almost or seemingly compelled to express some form of patriotism.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

An Observation from reading the New Testament

I'm reading the New Testament.

One thing is very clear from my reading::: Jesus has a real problem with the Pharisees.

This leads me to pray to God, and my prayers to God indicate (if I am not just crazy) that God does have some kind of problem with the Jews, as is indicated in the New Testament.


So:: According to both LDS and Christian scripture God has a big problem with Jews, and no one takes this seriously.

Makes me think of 1st Corinthians 10:13 which says that 'no sin has overtaken you except that which is common to man', or in other words, if everyone's doing it, you probably do it to.

I remember growing up in the LDS church, and with the way the church made a big issue out of masturbation, well, they really really brought me down over that little "sin".

Anyway, I think it can be clearly understood that sexual sin, or even just masturbation --- really is common to man.

I can't be ashamed of masturbation if it's a sin so common that I was gonna be overtaken by it.

Yet the LDS church seemed to insist on completely shaming me over this common problem I didn't feel I could avoid.

Anyway, if everyone is going to completely ignore the "jewish question" as indicated in Christian and Mormon scriptures, then I don't see why the church had to be in a hissy fit about masturbation too --- they should probably just leave those of us with the problem alone (and I'm sure it's a common problem).

When we all do something wrong, we shouldn't condemn each other over it.

So, as I have observed past in my life, the next time someone from the church tries to shame me about my "common masturbation" problem, I can just ask them what they think about Jews.

It might show the hypocrisy.

Anyway, yeah, it's clear God doesn't like Jews as I see it, and if you are willing to ignore that part of His will, then please don't bother me about the masturbation either.

Basically:: I'm not saying you should do anything to Jewish people. I'm just saying if  you are gonna be an extremist and take my pound of flesh for my little sin, then realize what God also seems to say regarding Jews. So don't be an extremist, forgive the Jews, forgive Gays, forgive me for masturbating.

Easy.

It makes more sense to not condemn.

God seemed to show a willingness to condemn various things all throughout the scriptures, but then he taught forgiveness and mercy, so I guess condemnation isn't all that important, so unless you want to start a fight, stop shaming me about my little physiological problem.

There, I think I've said it enough.


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In other news, I am kind of getting tired of discussing these things, and sometimes I feel like taking my blog down. I don't know if I will yet --- but right now, at this moment, I feel like moving on with my life.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

I feel sorry for LDS Apostles

I feel moved with a sort of compassion or pity to say that I actually feel sorry for the 15 LDS apostles.

I used to be angry, I used to want some kind of revenge ---- but now I just feel sorry for them.

When I was growing up, amazingly the LDS church was in a way able to "prove" itself to me with the reality of their miraculous nature, I believed in it and I thought my faith was justified because I found miracles to suggest the church was real or true or whatever.

There are two options for why I feel sorry for the apostles, one of these options is true, and in the case of the true option, this is how I feel sorry for them::

Option 1)) The LDS church really is/was true.
If the LDS church really was the truth, then I feel sorry for the 15 LDS apostles because of all the attacks the church faces, and I feel sorry for the apostles because their people don't necessarily represent the Christ-like goodness that they were always supposed to represent.
Even if the LDS church was the truth, it fails so badly that it seems like a sinking ship, and I feel sorry for the LDS apostles because they are left with lifetime duties to a sinking ship, with people who don't make very good choices and all kinds of attacks on their religion.

Option 2) In the more likely case that the LDS church is actually false/some kind of Satanic fraud::
I feel sorry for the 15 LDS apostles that they were duped into giving their whole lives to an organization that was actually just a Satanic lie. I myself offered my whole life to this organization, and if it wasn't for a misbehaved bishop and stake president shaking me out of it, I might've ended up spending my life with the wrong church. I got lucky, but now I just feel sad and sorry for the 15 LDS apostles --- that their lives are spent trying to deal with a very bad situation where they have millions of believers giving their lives --- but those believers are delusional because the church misrepresented itself and if people find out then the 15 apostles might get in trouble.

I feel sorry for them, it's very sad that they lead a church that has so many problems. The church these men represent has had some pretty bad ways of believing in things in their history, and I'm sorry that these 15 men are or seem forced to spend their lives with the insanity. It must be a very difficult situation to deal with.

Thank God I got out of it. I wouldn't want to have to deal with those kinds of problems.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Lets try to organize my thoughts

So:: Today I had 4 main thought points I thought I felt like discussing, but because I have no friends I'm putting it on my blog, and we'll see how well I organize these thoughts.

So: I have no friends. I write too much to the few I do have, and I'm obsessed with religion. Must be pretty freakin' annoying.

I would love to play local multiplayer ouya games. But I have no friends. Tonight I wanted to play some local multiplayer --- but my mom went for her LDS visit teaching and my brother is going for his swimming class.

If it's not work, or regular life duties, it's the LDS church getting in the way of a good family fun time. Ugh.

Oh -- and my parents don't play videogames much or very well.

I suppose developing videogames was a fun thing to do: but seeing as how I'm not a real artist on my own, I was open to criticism on ouyaforum for not doing my own artwork. Apparently it's a crime to pay someone else for their artwork.

Anyway, the point is, even though I'm not inherently an artist, and though I don't think I was quite planning to get into the video game industry (or, not as an indie at least), I suppose I did myself a disservice by not taking art in school.

Yup --- through out all my schooling I was taking options like Spanish, Foods, Drama, Computers ---- but I never took art. Being a lone indie game developer is tough, when you never learned art, and it's become some kind of social crime to pay someone else for their art.

As for "social crimes", if that's what this next topic can be called:: Remember when Dairy Queen was doing their "Monster Cookie Blizzard Special"?

I remember it:: Monster Cookies at Dairy Queen.

I grew up eating my Mom's Monster Cookies. She got the recipe from someone else she knew long ago, and well, she made them so much when I was a kid and our family just loved them.

And then Dairy Queen stole the concept and made it into a blizzard, and I don't remember very well but I don't think it quite did justice to what I had as a kid.

I'm writing about Monster Cookies because my parents came home from shopping today with a tray full of peanut butter cookies.  Reminded me of Monster Cookies.

I don't know the exact recipe, but if Dairy Queen wants to get Monster Cookies right, the recipe involves Peanut Butter, Chocolate Chips, M&Ms, Oatmeal.... and probably a few other chemicals to make the cookies turn out right, but I got the main flavouring in there.

Yeah, monster cookies are kind of like Reeses in that they go with the chocolate/peanut butter thing, but they're cookies and not "candy". And they don't look anything like Reeses.

So yeah --- I talk too much, I have too much to say and too few people to say it to. So, I might be one of the most annoying people on earth, with how if you become my friend you can expect an at least somewhat filled inbox. Sorry everyone.