Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Sense of Embarrassment

Being schizophrenic, you would expect that I might have paranoid feelings that there's something not-quite-right going on the world, but that's not what I have right now.

Right now I actually have some background vague sense of some kind of embarrassment that I should be feeling.

I don't really feel embarrassed, I just have a sense in the back of my mind that I SHOULD be feeling embarrassed.

I'm thinking of various reasons why I could be embarrassed, but no - these reasons make me feel stupid more than embarrassed.

Here was a stupid embarrassment:::

When I was a kid, I was sleeping over at someone else's house. I "wet the bed" during the sleep-time, and woke up finding myself soaked in urine. I got sick, and had to be sent home.  It was really stupid, because I should have had enough sense to go potty before I went to bed that night. Though this experience makes me feel stupid, and it should be considered embarrassing, it's just a memory and evokes little to no emotion.

As an adult, I remember a little bit of goofing-off at a bowling alley. This experience makes me feel stupid too, more so than the former paragraph, and it might make me feel embarrassed too ---- but it's no longer a big deal, that memory I could let go of and no one would care I'm sure.

Then there's an experience in The Book of Finch that tormented my mind for a while---- but I don't feel embarrassed by that anymore either, because I turned it into something good.

There's another related experience I mention in The Book of Finch that REALLY embarrassed me for a long time, but it's no longer an embarrassment, it's just the way things are.


Hmmmm. Yeah, I have a sense of embarrassment creeping in the back of my mind, but I'm not quite sure exactly what I'm supposed to feel embarrassed about.

I am in a state of happy psychological stability, I am functioning way better than I did when I went crazy years ago----- if it wasn't for this blog post, no one would know about my creeping sense of embarrassment. And I'm not even sure what I'm embarrassed about --- I just sense something. Hmmm.

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