Monday, December 30, 2013

The Third Vatican Council

I recently found out from facebook that Pope Francis recently held the Third Vatican Council where, in a nutshell, he considers all religions to be true and condemns racism.

I didn't quite read the whole article, but I find myself being, more or less, in a sort of agreement with this. I don't understand the concepts perfectly myself, and some things just confuse me, but seeing as how I recognize that the LDS church is not the "one and only" true path to heaven, I can accept that "all religions are true". I think they must all have some kind of truth about each of them.

I've been reading this book about one woman's death experience decades ago, and in her death vision she met Jesus Christ. Well, according to her testimony, all the churches of the world are heading to heaven, but they just travel at different rates and speeds. Some churches go very short distances towards heaven, while some go farther, and the best and truest church travels like a rocket to heaven, quick and fast.

The book seems to try to depict the LDS church as that rocket ship church, the quick path to heaven. It's possible that it is a quick path to heaven, but the church seems so flawed in so many ways it's hard to believe that it's the one and only true church, there has to be something more.

So, I agree with the pope that even Islam is true, in it's way, that Buddhism has its truth, and I do not pronounce my own mormon upbringing as the one and only true path.

Of course, all that considered, one really has to wonder about how the Book of Mormon is even so condemning of the Jews. The pope condemns racism, and The Book of Mormon condemns the Jews. The actual truth and validity of even The Book of Mormon comes into question -- I mean, when I examined the BoM, I got a little confused. I used to have an article on this website about the unfulfilled prophecy.

OK, maybe the BoM's scourging of the Jews isn't quite racist, but it might be. Depends on how you define the nature of the scourging.

I find myself to be in, more or less, agreement with the Pope. Either The Book of Mormon is a questionable historical document with varying levels of truth throughout, or the worldwide scourging of the Jews until they believe in Jesus is just a punishment for murder rather than just racism.

I mean, I met people who considered those passages in The Book of Mormon to be racist, but it's also possible that The Book of Mormon is actually just promoting the Jewish faith by making the Jews follow their own rules by condemning them for their murder of their own God.

Either the Jewish nation is condemned as a racist act, as some consider, or;
The Jews murdered their own God, and in Judaism there's a lawful punishment for murder, that even falls upon the heads of the whole nation. And it seems very racist. Yes, I am a little confused at how the Pope would define this 'truth', I didn't read his viewpoint on this matter. :)

You have to remember, if you really closely look at the writings of Joseph Smith the LDS prophet --- It is clear that the Jews are condemned or go through their pains and that yes, the children, according to Joseph Smith, are in fact punished for the sins of their ancestors.

That's the LDS version. My own family, most vocally expressed through my own father, doesn't agree with the LDS church about that way of doing things, but that is what the LDS scriptures say.

Anyway, I don't think the LDS church is the one and only path to heaven, I agree with the pope that all religions are true or have truth, and how true the LDS church is becomes questionable when you try to examine it based on the Pope's anti-racist statements. I didn't read his whole discourse on the matter, so I can't claim to know or explain. I just find myself in a sort of confused agreement.

Remember: according to the woman who wrote this book of her death vision decades ago, all the churches are going to heaven, they just travel there at different rates and speeds.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Thoughts on Mormonism

I'm just going to relate some of the thoughts I had today or this evening about my relationship with the church here:

1) It's so strange how the church required me to forgive complete BS, yet when I tell the truth I find certain members to be hostile, and more or less unforgiving. It's just so strange. I have to be benevolent on complete crap, yet when I tell the truth I face hostility. One true church huh?

2) What makes Joseph Smith so much more believable than myself? If you believe in Joseph Smith, then believing in me is a no-brainer, but somehow that doesn't seem to be the reality. If you don't believe in me, why bother believing in Joseph Smith, what makes him so much better? And if you don't believe in Joseph Smith, then why do you even bother being a member of the LDS church???

When I was growing up, the big personal choice I made for myself in life was to be a force for good morality throughout the world, so I decided I would serve Jesus.

3) Morality is a very interesting issue, on one hand there's a morality that says "keep sex sacred --- masturbation is forbidden". On the other hand there's the morality that says "my natural bodily form biologically requires me to have sex. I cannot resist the urge to masturbate".

So, on one hand we've made a judgement about a certain act and claimed it to be a moral decision, and on the other hand we discover that the act is unavoidable and common and natural and we immediately wonder why it deserves such shunning, especially when it is a particularly "harmless" habit.

4) That got me thinking, in order to be saved in the LDS church, like having the Melchizedek priesthood authority and being an elder and serving a mission and going to the temple::: you cannot and must not be engaging in masturbation activity. For a guy like me, this demand is impossible to meet, my body is actually naturally driven to have sex, driven to have sex long before I could legally marry, and though masturbation is preferable over fornication, somehow you still can't be saved with that activity anyway.

Anywho, it seems the church REQUIRES a person to become supernatural, or unnaturally powered in order to be saved. In order to be saved, you have to become such a God-like person that you would never again have a problem with masturbation.

That's great, and I suspect achieving that state might be possible, but the problem is that bishops and stake presidents and whoever else will start disbelieving in your miraculous claims as you become God-like and force you on drugs. Those drugs may cause you or force you to masturbate.

So in order to be saved in the church, you have to become so God-like that you are an unnatural superhuman who never masturbates. And as soon as you are the unnatural superhuman who never masturbates, they're gonna start calling you crazy because of your miraculous qualities and experiences, and then you're gonna be forced on drugs that force you to masturbate again.

It really makes no sense why the church requires such perfection when they aren't even going to let you keep that perfection. You can't be saved as a natural man, but if you become supernatural then you're crazy and you're forced on drugs.

I still remember my dream from last night's sleep.  Last night I actually dreamt that I, myself, and my family completely forsook and gave up on mormonism. We all just decided to quit the church in my dream last night. The church may have good things about it, but there are so many bad things about it too that we could easily end our relationship with that organization at some point.

My Schizophrenic Blog Posts

So, though I am on drugs, have I been relapsing into paranoid delusions in the past few days?

I had this idea that the government is secretly taxing my efforts to make an income online, as well as an idea that perhaps my old dead grandmother somehow returned from the dead.

Is this just my paranoid schizophrenia?

1) I know it's very likely that I am actually just having very few sales and my lack of income has nothing to do with the government. Perhaps I am so proud of my own products that I wonder why I don't earn more, and therefore I suspect the government of taxing me like they're communists. This could be schizophrenia, or at least a communist fantasy.

The more likely situation is that few people buy my OUYA games, Google doesn't report robot or spider visits on AdSense, and that either I have few sales for my books (likely) or the publishers somehow just neglect to report on time or at all (possible).

I am basically breaking an LDS mormon rule::: I have been speculating. I try to think of possible reasons why I don't seem to earn as much as I would think I should. The most romantic of these ideas is that I'm actually a big earner but the government is communist-taxing me and then paying my welfare.

2) Are my thoughts of a dead grandmother returning at Christmas time schizophrenic??? I was guessing based on the information provided to me by my five senses and the fact that I believe in Ghosts and Resurrection. There is a possibility that my parents morbidly decided to give me a gift from my dead grandmother, and that old european lady at the theatre was actually just any old mortal ----- but I do think it's awfully STRANGE that my parents would give me a gift and claim it to be from Grandma. And it's very coincidental that just two days later I would run into a little old lady who seriously, seriously reminded me of my own old dead grandma.

My parents could either confess or deny the gift from my dead grandparent (I haven't asked them).  If they deny, then yes, I am probably haunted or whatever. If they confess, then maybe it really was just my parents, but it's also possible that they're being dishonest, just trying to reason a rational explanation for some paranormal activity, just so I don't go over the deep end in my schizophrenia.

If you read my book, there is a story where I really did receive an authentic written message from beyond, so I think it's possible my grandmother could have gifted me.

Of course, I am too scared to even ask my parents where that gift came from. I can seriously understand if my grandmother came back from the grave and gave me a gift -- that's understandable.  But it seems unreasonably morbid for my own parents to give me a gift, claiming the gift to be from grandma. I mean, I would start suspecting there is something wrong with my parents if they were doing that to me.

So, I wouldn't say that this situation is necessarily schizophrenia, it's a situation where the dead really could have returned.  If it really is just my own parents, then they have completely lost their own minds. I mean, it's culture for parents to give gifts from Santa Claus, but for parents to give gifts on behalf of the deceased is another thing altogether, that would actually make my parents seem a little odd in the head, wouldn't it?

Friday, December 27, 2013

A Christmas Ghost Story

In The Book of Finch, I lightly touch on my story where my grandmother died on the Christmas break in 1998, and I accuse her ghost of being sexually abusive. Of course, I cannot prove the accusation, and she is generally let off the hook because it is actually scientifically understood that some men just have those hormones that cause extreme sexual desire.

2013. 15 years later.

I spent Christmas Eve at my sister's house. This detail is insignificant to the actual ghost story however.

I wake up Christmas Morning. I do my bathroom business, and then I go to check my stocking. We are light on presents this year in my home, just a few small stocking gifts. The vast vast majority of presents were left under my sister's Christmas tree.

But, I check in my stocking, and I find an envelope within that claims to be a gift from my old dead grandmother. Of course, I easily suppose that it was just one of my parents leaving the gift in the stocking, and for some morbid reason decided to claim that it was actually a gift from the deceased.

The gift was an old tarnished silver coin. I open the gift while talking to my mother behind her back as she faces the sink. I just assume she's responsible for this supposed gift from Grandma, and she doesn't say a word.

Read on - there's a bit more.

December 27th 2013.
I went to our local Cineplex theatre with my father to watch the new Hobbit movie, The Desolation of Smaug. As I was standing in line at the box office to get our tickets, I am approached by a short and older woman, who spoke with some kind of european accent. She talks to me about wanting to see a certain movie in the theatre, and I check my iphone and tell her that no such movie is playing right now. She asks me to recommend a movie. I tell her the only movie on the list of available shows I saw so far was Catching Fire (Hunger Games #2), I asked her if she saw the first Hunger Games movie, and she HAD NOT, so I decided to not recommend it. I then tell her I'm going to see the Hobbit. She asks me what that is about (definitely, an unknowing old european lady) and I give the quick description that it's about a very short person. I let her go ahead of me in line and she talks to the clerk, and selects a movie. I do not know what movie she chose.

Anyway, this older lady who was speaking to me, well, as I spoke to her, and I looked in her face, I was very much especially reminded of my old dead grandmother. She looked younger than my grandmother was when I knew her, but the accent and the facial features reminded me. My grandmother, of course, probably knew exactly what The Hobbit was, as she was a very keen reader I am told.

Basically, I was actually schizophrenic enough to actually suspect that the older woman I was talking to was my resurrected Finn-Swede Granny. Why did that european old lady speak to me and not anyone else? Why did her facial features remind me so much of the grandmother I knew? She may have been trying to hide her identity if she was my resurrected relative, or she may have been someone different entirely.

Anyway, it's just strange that I would receive a stocking-christmas-gift from an old long dead relative, and then meet a seeming apparition of old dead-but-now-resurrected relative whilst going to see a movie at the theatre that she'd probably adore because she probably read the book a hundred times.

One more thing::: Tomorrow is the 15th anniversary of her death. She died December 28th 1998. And 15 years later she appears to have made a comeback, although making her gift seem as though it were from my own parents, and trying to hide her identity as she speaks to me.

Just so strange. A real Christmas Ghost Story.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Paranoia About the Money

Moments ago I checked my blogger account to see if there was anything to report, and I was "happy" to see that my last post somehow inspired about two hundred visits to my website, mostly from the USA.

I have a bit of a paranoia that my earnings aren't reported to me like you'd expect them to be, and this paranoia is fuelled by the fact that though I'll have about 200 visits mentioned in blogger, my Google AdSense account mentions practically nothing.

Blogger will mention all kinds of visits to my site, while AdSense will not report the same number of visits.

That makes me think that a lot of my visitors are likely just the sort of people who would spam my comments, or maybe it's just some kind of robot hanging out on my site for whatever reason.

But I also realize that earlier this month AuthorHouse sent me a cheque for selling two books that I had no idea I sold. Actually it's amazing: when I was with authorhouse, and they'd report sales, their report is the only way I would have known I'd have those sales, there is no other indication for many sales.

Which means that if I sell a video game, or if someone buys my book, or if someone is visiting my website, it could very easily be a situation where "the publisher" just happens to neglect to inform me, or anyone, of the money purchase.

Of course this is all just my paranoid schizophrenic mind rambling, but my paranoid schizophrenic mind suspects as much.

What kind of conspiracy would hide my success and sales from me and steal my profits? I can think of only two culprits (besides possibly dishonest business values)::: Either the government is taxing my income in a way that I don't even get to see, so they can be just like a bunch of communists taking 90% of my income and then giving me the AiSH money, or its a charity (less likely) that covertly gets me to volunteer funds.

And, of course, this is all just my paranoid mind.

And now, there's someone at the door, so I need to go now.

"God" game me poor instructions

I remember watching a video in the past few months of Elder Holland talking about how his son and he were in the desert fooling around and they were driving along a path and reached a fork in the road and had no idea which way to go, so they prayed to God for instructions.

Well, in Elder Holland's story, God actually prompted them to go the WRONG way, some kind of story of how God was just trying to let them know that everything would turn out alright anyway.

In my own life, in the past few months, I remember I was praying to God to help me figure out how to trade smart on the Stock Market, you know, trying to get a special advantage by looking through my crystal ball, so to speak (or in this case, talking to God).

I would just like to say that I can confirm that God actually gave me poor instructions, when I asked for advice.

OK -- everything is turning out alright anyway so far, just like Elder Holland's story, but God's instructions could have been better, and if he had given me proper instructions and if I had obeyed things might've turned out better.

Things are alright in my portfolio right now, but I am now seeing that it could have been better, and I partially blame my praying to God for advice for the "failure".

Although, considering my mental state back at the time I was making the decisions, it might've been a situation like when Joseph Smith gave the manuscript to Martin Harris and things got screwed up. Joseph Smith wants what he wants and Jesus agreed even though it was a bad choice. Maybe it was similar for myself this time around.

OK ---- So basically, I KNOW God is real, I know God exists, but even if he can help you get lottery numbers, somehow he deliberately tries to screw up the information he gives you so you won't be able to profit from it. I mean, God can be your friend, help and bless you, but he seems to realize when you're trying to take advantage of Him and he actually will give "false" information just to put an end to that.

So, I would say that God can be real, and truly verify his own existence, but he DOES in fact give misleading information so know you can't take advantage of Him. If he always told people everything truthfully, the world would be a vastly different place. I guess he just likes to or tries to screw around a bit. Hmmm.

Well, it's good to know Elder Holland had his own story where God wasn't quite right, because I can now verify in my own life that God isn't entirely perfect in the information He gives. We know He exists and all that, but he won't let us take advantage of Him. Hahaha. :)

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Problem Solving and Forgiveness

So, I'm trying a bit of thinking right now.

1) I forgave Annie, sometimes I express sorts of disapproval about the kinds of things that have come out of her email, but I am generally quite benevolent upon her personally.

2) Annie forgave me, she made it clear that whatever I did wrong, she doesn't hold it against me.

3) Annie and I are both quite perplexed at how who or why we aren't allowed to talk to each other anymore. Neither of us are being told much, well, I'm not being told much and she's being lied to. Hmm.

4) "The church" decided I should forgive those who destroyed my relationship with Annie. It hurt like hell, but yes, I am forgiving.

5) Bishop Stevens decided I wasn't even allowed to be friends with Avril Lavigne. I just don't understand how the church can expect or want me to be a travelling preacher to the nations when they won't let me be friends with some of my favourite women.

6) I am friends with Avril Lavigne anyways.

7) This Christmas season I really started forgetting about all kinds of the problems over the years, I let go of the negativity and felt magnetically attracted back to church, like all was forgiven. Today I felt like going to church with my mom, but;

8) My mom decided against letting me attend church today. She said she'd be staying there for over 3 hours, and well, she decided that I should probably just stay home for some reason.

That's interesting. I feel so totally forgiving and forgetful this christmas season and I feel magnetically drawn back to church --- but the one ticket or route I have to go back to church (my mom) tells me that I should probably stay home anyways.

Very interesting. Even my mom realizes that there's just something so wrong at church that I probably shouldn't attend anymore, even if I do feel so forgiving of all the issues, positive and drawn back.

So there you have it::: though not clearly articulated in any form::: my own mother thinks it's best that I don't attend even if I am forgiving and magnetically drawn back to them.

So somehow there's just something wrong with church, even if I forget what it is (although I realize I've had many psychological issues about them).

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Talking to God - Getting Answers

I know there is a God. I have absolutely proven his reality, I know He is real.

The LDS church on the other hand, is questionable for so many reasons.

So, just moments ago, I was praying to God, asking Him to reveal "the truth" about Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, and the LDS church.

Now, first off:::: My relationship with God has shown that God is a bit tricky in the way He explains things, like, it's true that He will be able and can tell you lottery numbers, but often times He will just somehow choose to tell the wrong numbers, or a different lottery, or in reverse order etc.

I KNOW there is a God.  But I can't claim to have absolutely perfect communications with Him.

As for my questioning about the LDS church, this is what I found out:

Joseph Smith apparently DID meet with God and really was, more or less, a prophet. Just a severely really quite imperfect prophet. Very imperfect. Made all kinds of "mistakes". But a prophet nonetheless.

The Book of Mormon may not be as entirely true or correct as originally depicted. I say this based on personal observation and the likelihood that when recording on plates, you can't erase your typos. Also: could easily contain translation errors. Joseph Smith said it was the most correct book, which is sad because it is actually notably most flawed. It does have good teachings though.

The LDS church is both true and a clever deception at the same time. I asked God if it's true, or if it's a clever deception, and God told me it was both.


So, with my personal witness of LDS magic, there is some value to the church. With all the mistakes the various church leaders and members have made, it's clear the truth about all of it is not really forthcoming. As as for my own talk with God this evening, well, it's true that God will talk about it and verify that Joseph Smith was some kind of prophet, but it's also true that logically the whole thing is very flawed, and it's also true that I know I can't fully trust my personal communications with "God".

All things considered, I would still say that it's probably not necessary to be LDS in order to be saved. However, the LDS church is a good introduction to faith and God and may well be a, or one of the, good path(s) to salvation.

The simple fact that the LDS church is so freakin' flawed makes it a very unlikely candidate for being the only true and real path to heaven.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Friendly Stake President

It really isn't hard to think of reasons to disbelieve in mormonism, just this morning I somehow got reminded or reminded myself of a whole history of crap.

But now I am feeling better again, and I am impressed by how friendly my Stake President is. President Miller is obviously trying to be friendly and christ-like, and that is actually really impressive.

He keeps offering to speak to me, but there always seems to be a reason why I can't go back to church or why I can't go in to talk to him for a friendly chat.

I mean, my mind is a really hard thinker, and I can always think of excuses for various things and all sorts of stuff like that.

I can come up with reasons why I can't be an elder, I can come up with reasons why I can't fulfill my patriarchal blessing, I can come up with reasons to believe in God, I can come up with reasons to suspect the Mormons of being a heavily flawed religion, or on the other hand reasons why I could like the mormons.

I think the church, in its purest highest form, is really a great thing. It's just that the standard membership fails in so many ways. If people did what they were actually supposed to - then that would be good.

I rant against my own church, but then I am actually just ranting about the bad decisions of the local membership in my personal experience, but there are various purer sources of Christian knowledge that reveal that the church is actually supposed to be good, and if it operated properly it would be great.

The apostles don't hide the fact that there are false teachers or that mormons aren't very good at forgiveness.  Just look at the LDS apostles and they, themselves, will point out at least the very obvious flaws about our church, and that just helps me understand that we have someone with a brain at the top, which makes the church bearable.

And yes, it's great to have such a friendly and christ-like stake president.

Maybe it's just my own foible that I have a brain that is constantly thinking and reasoning about all kinds of failures and problems. Is it good for me to think about these things? Is it bad for me? How much of my life's history should I seriously be forgetting? Yes --- it appears I have a very good memory, especially about certain specific things. Is that actually wrong?

Monday, December 16, 2013

A Sense of Potential Greatness

Less than a day after my last blog post where I limit my enthusiasm, I was sitting around thinking about the church for a while, when all of the sudden my mind again went into a "Mormonism is great" mode.

My brain suddenly became capable of separating all the crap in the church from the actual true mission and potential of what the church is actually trying to achieve. I stopped mixing the negative with the whole church, and somehow my mind has been reminded of how utterly awesome the Mormon church is or would be if it actually operated properly.

There are really great things about mormonism, in so many ways I find it to be a wonderful church.

Of course, there have been a great deal many negative and really bad things about or associated with mormonism, but like I said, my mind suddenly started feeling capable of separating those really bad things from the rest of the good great church.

Before all my thoughts of the church were easily mixed and negative.  Now somehow my mind is separating the negative from what it should be. It's like I'm saying or seeing "that individual was choosing the wrong. The way the church actually would be if done properly would have been way better".

The church is actually well intentioned and likely wonderful. I just ran into some complete crap in my personal life.

But, knowing how my psychology was, even if I am pro mormon, I can't help but say that there really is a place in this world for the anti-mormon preachers. If the mormon church happens to be foul, those anti-mormon preachers are a good way to remind us, and comfort our minds that this high and mighty church doesn't need all that respect.  Basically, I'm trying to say that the anti-mormon preachers do fit and fulfill an actual psychological need that may come along in some people, like myself.

And though I think anti-mormon preachers have a place in this world, I also think that the Mormon Church itself has some really wonderful great and good qualities. It's like I agree with both sides, just like I agree with both sides in politics.

In elections I often find myself agreeing with most parties and thinking they all have really good plans, even if they're all different.

I think there's a place for a good and wonderful mormon church, and there's a place for the anti-mormon preacher who fulfills a psychological need for people for whom the church failed.

I guess I'm just saying is I'm feeling so much better about the LDS church now. I still don't think it's likely that I'll actually fulfill my intended mission in life, but I think the LDS church has done some wonderful things and has great potential to do wonderful things.

Wow. I am actually feeling so much better, happier minded that I can think kindly and nicely about the mormon church again.

Of course, it's not hard to think of reasons why I failed or why I no longer have a mission in life, but my mind just grasps the concept of how wonderful mormonism could potentially be. Yeah.

Limiting the Enthusiasm

OK, so it's been a few days since I flipped from swearing about the LDS church to being totally positive about them and wanting to return.

The desire to return may have been an entirely irrational feeling that I just had for no real idea why.

Anyway, so how do I feel now?  I still hope I can forgive the mormons, I don't want to be filled with negative feelings, but my enthusiasm about them has died down considerably.

It doesn't take much thought to realize that there are serious flaws about the LDS church, however well intentioned they may be.

1) If I'm supposed to be the Lord's lifetime servant, a travelling preacher to the nations, then why on earth wasn't I allowed to be Annie's friend or Avril's friend? I mean, I'm supposed to be some great teacher, but I'm not allowed to be friends with the two girls who seemed friendliest to me. Doesn't make sense.

2) Does God really damn Coffee-drinkers to hell? You might think God's scourging of the Jews is bad, but just the simple restriction on Coffee could be seen as totally fascist. I mean, coffee is actually a healthy drink according to science, and the Mormons won't let you go to the temple and accuse you of breaking covenants if you drink it. I mean, is God really such a dick that he won't save you from hell just because of Coffee??? Seems kind of ridiculous.

3) Just a few minutes ago I got an email from BYUtv about a famous mormon person --- Alex Boyé. He's a singer whose life was transformed by song and things turned out alright for him. Again, my life was being transformed by song in a positive way, but the Bishop decided to do the opposite of how the songs were trying to help me. Doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm a little jealous of Alex Boyé, with how he was such widespread popularity among mormons, while I have some similarity with him yet I was restricted from even being friends or listening to Avril's music. The church chose Alex Boyé to be popular, not me, even though I'm supposed to be the Lord's lifetime servant.

OK ---- so there are so many reasons why Mormonism isn't really all that great and I am not likely to return.

I still think there are GOOD things about mormonism, but for me, personally, in my life, it probably just doesn't work.

So, I want to be positive and forgive the mormons, but it's not hard to remind me of things like the three simple facts above and all of the sudden I can't be bothered with them anymore.

Friday, December 13, 2013

AuthorHouse Paid Me

I am happy to report that AuthorHouse actually paid me for a couple books that I didn't even know I had sold in Q3 2013. That is beautiful.

It's nice to see that AuthorHouse is being more honest than I previously understood them to be, and it's really nice that someone was nice enough to actually buy my book even though it's free as an ebook.  That is really quite nice of people.

There are some really great people in the world. I should concentrate on the goodness and forget about the negative. Hopefully that will help.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

More Great Telepathy

So, I haven't done some telepathy for a while, I've kind of not done it for a while because the tests I did a while back didn't turn out so good.

But just now I did two tests with my father.

The first test was COMPLETELY WRONG.

The second test:

I said: R A (T or G)

He said: R A M

YES YIPPPEEEEE!!! I got 2/3 on an alphanumeric Pick 3! Yay.

As for my feelings of returning to the mormons, I am still feeling positive about them, but this time not so much with blind belief in whatever they say, but with a rationale that says "We are all imperfect regardless of how much the book of mormon tells us to be perfect, and therefore the book of mormon itself is not a perfect book, and therefore Joseph Smith made a mistake when he said it was the most correct book". Getting me to feel this way is a miracle actually.

So, I'm not blindly believing in mormonism, but I do feel a lot happier and kinder towards them, as if I could return to their congregation some day. Maybe it's just christmas. Who knows.

But yes --- TELEPATHY!!! YAY!

After Sleeping on it (that power)

Last night I blog posted and emailed about some kind of power I was feeling, saying I could go back to church, saying it didn't seem to matter how many problems there are with the church, that the miracles were always real.

I still forgive the church, or I want to forgive the church.

I still know their miracles are real.

But I am not still solidly thinking I'll ever go back to them. I feel like I could go back to them, but I'm not absolutely certain that I want to.

Maybe I'm just suffering from some weird psychology right now. What was that pro-mormon feeling or ideation I was having last night that decided I should ignore all the past historical problems?

I really should just forgive the mormons, and I shouldn't care if my book really attains any level of popularity.

But I really shouldn't promise that I'll ever return to them.

And there really might be something wrong with me:::: how can I go from yelling and swearing about the mormon church one moment and then totally having pro-mormon ideations hours later? Something might not be right about me.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Feeling the Power

I recently lost any desire to be famous. But I still write in my blog anyway.

Earlier today I had some sort of angry outburst, I was swearing and cursing about the church, I almost made the mistake of sending a very bad letter to my stake president.

But then a feeling of calm and optimism overcame me. In my earlier blog post, I said there are reasons why I wouldn't go back to church, to remain in my hobbit-hole, but that I do have a testimony.

But now I am feeling such POWER --- and I'm feeling a sort of magnetic draw making me desire to return. I am under the influence of some kind of mormon-friendly force that is reassuring my testimony and it feels like I'm being drawn back to the church.

There are ALL KINDS of personal and historical reasons why the LDS church would not be true ---- but the fact remains that I have a very real personal witness of LDS magic, and I am now feeling the power and a force "magnetically" drawing me back to the church.


Maybe I'm still not in my right mind. But, if this feeling persists, then I'll go back eventually, somehow.

I mean, even though I am aware that coffee is a good healthy drink, and I am aware the church had a bad position about coffee for a very long time, it's like those problems don't matter anymore, it's like the church is true or has value despite all the horrible horrible flaws and mistakes.

I still intend on drinking coffee. But i just feel so forgiving to others and I feel such a force of power drawing me back to the church.

I just have to hope that my personality stops being so angry and abrasive. I do have real psychological issues.

Still Ambivalent. It's confusing

In my life, there are so many reasons to turn away from LDS mormonism. In so many ways I wish I could just forget about that whole church.

But the fact remains that I really do have a testimony of some kind of LDS magic, like miracles and prophets and God stuff.

To me, staying home from church and forgetting about the whole thing seems like a good way to stay comfortable.

If my testimony (which can easily be questioned) of the LDS magic were to draw me back to the church, I would have to deal with the mindsets of different mormons, I'd have to deal with my own rebellion and coffee drinking and whatever else. It would be an adventure to go back to the church.

But, I think I might just stay in my hobbit-hole. No need for adventures. Only troublemakers go on adventures.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

A Revised Word of Wisdom

One thing that mormons were so proud of for so long is the Word of Wisdom.

Now that I am more educated, I am inclined to believe that the Word of Wisdom was just a tool of manipulation and control.


1) Coffee is actually good for you. I love coffee. I've been drinking it on and off for the past 9 years, which may be why fat old me still doesn't have diabetes. When I first started drinking cola drinks, I only drank the sugared kind. You'd think this were a diabetes death sentence, but it wasn't. Maybe my coffee intake stopped the insulin problems. You can look it up on the internet: science has discovered that coffee helps prevent diabetes.

2) Alcohol is good for your heart, or at least a glass of wine a day is. I think I heard that on the news, correct me if I'm wrong (I'm just remembering a news report). Besides, Jesus made and drank alcohol --- if Jesus can do it, why can't you? Or are you telling me our perfect saviour had to repent of something?  And as for those who say the wine in the bible wasn't alcoholic, well if the wine in the bible wasn't alcoholic, I'd like to see you refute the alcoholic qualities of wine in the Book of Mormon! Oh ---- and logic suggest biblical wine did have alcohol in it.

3) If my eye-witness of Jesus Christ is to be trusted as accurate, then Jesus Christ is actually a cigarette smoker. I was personally kind of confused when I saw Jesus with a tobacco-stick in his mouth, but it's starting to make sense:::: the Word of Wisdom doesn't really dictate your entrance into heaven, no matter how much the Mormons think it's the law.

I mean, the mormons will let you drink all these sugary pops, diet pops, eat all the fatty food you want. You'll get diabetes and heart disease, but at least it wasn't against the word of wisdom.

I mean, my nutritionist has been telling me how bad pop really is --- I'm supposed to cut back on my pop intake drastically. I now know how to do this in a healthy way:::: drink Coffee.

My name is Kristian Attfield. I am or was a mormon. And I love coffee.

Were they Ravens or Crows??

in The Book of Finch, I tell a true story that happened back in late 2002 where I went into my backyard and found a huge flock of big black birds filling the space, carrying bread in their beaks.

At first I thought they were soulblighter crows, due to my fantastical time with a videogame, but later that day at church I was taught a lesson about Elijah being fed bread by Ravens that God sent him.

So ---- at the time I was well aware that crows are black, and that ravens were black, but other than that identification I had no clear distinction in my mind between the two species.

So---- having learned more about crows and ravens in the past year or two, which were these creatures, crows, or ravens?

If a sparrow or finch is a small bird, and a crow is a medium sized bird, then ravens would be LARGE birds.

I've seen crows and ravens close-up in person on multiple occasions before, and have learned how do identify which one is which by their sizes.

The big black birds in my backyard in late 2002 were larger sized, so, in fact, the birds I saw on that miraculous experience were RAVENS. They were the ELIJAH RAVENS.

So, basically, the story of the ravens in my book is a true - faith promoting experience in my story. I would say my book is definitely faith promoting, but when it comes to LDS church and members, it's a mixed bag.

I know God is true and real. I do not know the same about the mormons however.

So yeah ----- my Elijah Raven experience is a true authentic experience that occurred either in late-summer 2002 or early autumn. Unfortunately, I can't remember and am not sure if I possess the exact date.  If there were any records kept about what day we learned about faith promoting miracles and elijah ravens in church --- then that would be the day this event occurred.

And it was seriously awesome.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Are the Meds working?

Either my meds are working well to fix my brain and help me feel forgetful and rested, or there's some spiritual force causing my old feelings of animosity to disappear.

In the past while, I've found myself feeling more comfortable with the mormons, largely forgetting my complaints and almost feeling like going back to church --- as if some of the concerns raised about church history in ex-and-anti-mormon youtube videos don't concern my mind anymore, as well as my own concerns not being important.

I actually had to make a mental effort to remind myself why I got so annoyed with the church.

I'm a coffee drinker now, so unless the mormons are ultra-forgiving and un-bigoted, I probably still won't be going to the temple or anything, but in my mind and heart I'm finding I'm less annoyed and more forgetful about the problems.

Like, this morning I thought I'd remind myself, so I had a quick look through The Book of Finch - just to remember, and it's so weird how it's almost like I'm reading a book I don't remember writing.

That's the other thing---- strange how The Number 23 movie story is starting to apply (sort of) to me in that I don't have clear memories of my old life or my book anymore, and when I read my story it's like making a discovery about my past --- except in this case I'm well aware that I wrote the book, whereas in the movie he forgot he even wrote a book. I just happen to forget the contents of the story, more or less.

So, when I remember the past, I realize how serious some of these issues are, but without remembering I enter into a state of ignorant bliss, and I almost wonder if I could go back to church.

Weird eh? It's like someone is praying for me.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Sense of Embarrassment

Being schizophrenic, you would expect that I might have paranoid feelings that there's something not-quite-right going on the world, but that's not what I have right now.

Right now I actually have some background vague sense of some kind of embarrassment that I should be feeling.

I don't really feel embarrassed, I just have a sense in the back of my mind that I SHOULD be feeling embarrassed.

I'm thinking of various reasons why I could be embarrassed, but no - these reasons make me feel stupid more than embarrassed.

Here was a stupid embarrassment:::

When I was a kid, I was sleeping over at someone else's house. I "wet the bed" during the sleep-time, and woke up finding myself soaked in urine. I got sick, and had to be sent home.  It was really stupid, because I should have had enough sense to go potty before I went to bed that night. Though this experience makes me feel stupid, and it should be considered embarrassing, it's just a memory and evokes little to no emotion.

As an adult, I remember a little bit of goofing-off at a bowling alley. This experience makes me feel stupid too, more so than the former paragraph, and it might make me feel embarrassed too ---- but it's no longer a big deal, that memory I could let go of and no one would care I'm sure.

Then there's an experience in The Book of Finch that tormented my mind for a while---- but I don't feel embarrassed by that anymore either, because I turned it into something good.

There's another related experience I mention in The Book of Finch that REALLY embarrassed me for a long time, but it's no longer an embarrassment, it's just the way things are.

Hmmmm. Yeah, I have a sense of embarrassment creeping in the back of my mind, but I'm not quite sure exactly what I'm supposed to feel embarrassed about.

I am in a state of happy psychological stability, I am functioning way better than I did when I went crazy years ago----- if it wasn't for this blog post, no one would know about my creeping sense of embarrassment. And I'm not even sure what I'm embarrassed about --- I just sense something. Hmmm.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Am I a good or bad person??

I'm sitting here this evening thinking about how good/bad/evil I may be.

I have a sense that I have made some mistakes in my life, but I've largely forgotten about anything that should be embarrassing me.

I mean, I know that I'm not the LDS version of perfection, I drink coffee, I have sexual issues, I break the sabbath day, I'm lazy, sometimes I can be angry or aggressive, I mean, there must be a number of imperfections that I have.

Does that make me a bad person? I have a number of good qualities too, like I'm charitable, I don't steal, I'm honest, or at least I try do do those things, even if it may come in to question about how successful I am.

I guess I'm in a grey area of goodness.

In mormonism, the goal is perfection. I tried so hard to choose the right, to be perfect, but I found that I am actually UNABLE to be perfect, though my spirit was willing, my flesh is weak.

If you knew how it felt to be me, you might understand that it's actually physically or biologically IMPOSSIBLE for me to be perfect.

Mormons say that we have "agency", an ability to choose between good and evil ---- but if this were true, it should be possible to always and consistently choose and do the right thing. I've found that there is always some kind of imperfection that people have --- we are all imperfect, some of us more than others, but if we truly had agency, it should be possible to BE PERFECT. But if you knew how I felt throughout my life, you'd know that it is actually impossible, or at least impossible for me, to be absolutely perfect.

There are LDS people who expect the young men to NEVER masturbate. I just wish some magic force could show those LDS people what it's like to have the biological urge to have sex, because then they'd understand that it is extremely unlikely that I'd have never masturbated. When you get those strong urges --- well, just you wait and see how strong those urges can be!!! In fact, masturbation could be considered a "good" thing because it's an escape valve from sins like fornication or worse.

So ---- what is my current opinion of the LDS church? I have remembered that there are many good things, possibly even wonderful things about LDS mormonism. When I was a kid, it was the best I could do to have some law and order in the house, or, at least, turn the evil-misbehaved-constantly-fighting children into better behaved adults. I think the church has done some good there, we still aren't perfect, but for an 8 year old hoping for something better, the LDS church is a great way to take that step towards something better.

Unfortunately, my mind is still plagued and psychologically burdened by a number of the problems I have experienced in the LDS church. If the church works for my sisters and their families, then fine, great, I guess I can let them go at it. But as for myself, well, there have just been way too many problems for me to want to go back. The LDS church just doesn't work for me anymore.

Maybe I've graduated from the LDS program (even though I technically never became a melchizedek priesthood holder). I mean, I remember that I used to do a lot of reading, and back before and when I went crazy I had such a superb or excellent understanding of LDS scriptures. In seminary, in Book of Mormon scripture contests my team always won because I always knew all the answers - I had studied well. I was in the process of reading the new testament when I went insane. I mean, I just had that mind that was heavily capable of reading, learning studying, I was very intelligent --- and I had studied the Book of Mormon and I was studying the New Testament.

Maybe I was just so good at my LDS studies that I graduated from the church. The church is apparently meant for imperfect people, and maybe the people are just so imperfect that I couldn't stand being around them anymore.  I mean, I'm imperfect too --- but when I get condemned for my own imperfections while I'm required to forgive everyone else --- that's just too much of a problem to stay with the church.

There are numerous historical reasons why LDS Mormonism may be considered a heavily flawed or even false religion.  All I know is that the LDS church had such an effect or influence on me that I can testify of a certain "magic" that seemed to exist in that organization. I am still not perfectly sure how to reconcile the sketchy past of the church with the possible magic I thought I witnessed, but that's what I know so that's what I testify.

So, I'm not perfect, I tried to be good, and there are good things about mormonism, and though we are all apparently imperfect, the church just stopped being likeable after they condemn me for my little problems and then expect forgiveness for some of their problems.

And then church members don't really understand forgiveness anyway.... so there.