Sunday, June 30, 2013

Low Stress Tolerance

When I had something that resembled a real job late last year, I was excited to do it and I was willing. But the work just piled up and I didn't have much time to relax and relaxation wasn't very relaxing because of the anticipation of the next day of work. So - the work piled up, and I got stressed out about the things I would have to be doing, so I quit the job.

Though my belief in telepathy definitely wasn't delusional and the psychiatrist was wrong about that --- the truth is that I do have some kind of deficiency, probably in my brain, that caused me to think very poorly for a long time, and even to this day the symptom still exists in the form of not being able to handle much stress.

Therefore --- it might be a while before my Ouya game is completed, if it is ever completed.

I am having fun sitting down at my computer and Ouya and playing with the code, but I happened to drop out of my computer science degree program at university ten or eleven years ago, and my knowledge on this subject is limited to things I learned in high school and self-taught myself before I went crazy.

So, as I am not completely competent at just looking at examples and trying to steal ideas, I'm going to spend some time teaching myself more --- probably from books that I intend on buying.

But, I can see that my mind is already rather stressed out at the prospects of having to read through a huge book, and then design a program. The stress may slow down progress quite a bit, and progress may halt if it turns out that I'm still not smart enough.

I used to be so smart, top of the class. Then I went crazy - and I lost much of my thinking ability. The psychiatrists do have grounds for legitimacy.

But the telepathy does happen to be scientifically provably real, so the psychiatrists shouldn't bother me about that, and thankfully, they don't anymore.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Beginning work on video game

So - I got my OUYA from a courier three days ago, almost since the day it was released, and I've been having some fun. I'm enjoying a few video games that, though not all that much compared to Bungie or Activision, they are still fun games.

And yes - I have started work on my own little video game idea. I'm happy to say that I've made progress in the development --- OK - so far my 'game' is very-very-very basic, and not really entertaining, but it's entertaining for me because what I have works, and I got past all the problems of trying to build something and having it not work. So, I'm happy with my progress.

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As for my telepathy thing, I haven't done a whole lot of experimenting lately, but of the experiments I have done, I think it's evident that my ability has faded recently, so I'm not doing nearly so well as I used to. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't work. I have a hypothesis about why this might be, but I don't know for certain.

In order to test my hypothesis however, I just have to make it clear that my telepathy doesn't work very well right now and then I have to keep all my testing secret --- just to test the hypothesis. :) haha.

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As for the church, I think it's absolutely amazing that I have absolutely no anger or evil feelings towards Richard Melchin. Forgiveness is like magic --- it's a serious very definitely noticeable change in your heart and your attitude towards the offender.

I was thinking about how I could comment on my position on the church, but right now those thoughts aren't coming so easily. I was thinking about it, and I had something to say about it --- but I think it's clear that, perhaps, God doesn't want me to publicize my opinion --- having become aware of this scenario or intention because a) when I thought about blogging about my opinion on the church, I felt compelled to not say anything and b) now that I've got a blog post up, I can't bring myself to remember or think about what the earlier position I developed was.

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So, there you go, that's my update. Working on video game, telepathy not working, and forgiveness is amazing.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Hometeachers

The hometeachers visited our house this evening.

I have to say ---- their influence definitely has the effect of making me feel better about the church. It brings back positive memories about my experiences with mormonism.

Richard K Melchin is one of my hometeachers, and I can truly say that I'm not angry at him anymore - that he and I are getting along now.

Of course, I feel sorry for him a bit, as I was being a bit vicious in my tone in Letters to Whomever. But one praiseworthy thing about him is that though I was vicious, he has turned the other cheek, he is forgiving, and we're being friendly. And oh what a deal it is that I'm not even mad at him anymore --- we are able to sit there and civilly have a conversation. Absolutely amazing how that is.

So --- the hometeachers give me a positive impression of the LDS church, and we even tried to discuss some of my scriptural misunderstandings.

I feel better about the church, but if history is any indication, after a while I'll probably start thinking on the negative again, at which point the home teachers come again, and I'll feel positive again.

Sometimes it doesn't seem likely that I'll fulfill my patriarchal blessing, or that I'll go back to church --- but after general conference and the home teachers, I start seeing possibilities of going back and attending.

If the church is true, then it really is a labour of rescue.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

The Flood

Hey Everyone.

On the evening of June 20th 2013 I was feeling paranoid enough about the flooding, and our house is in a community deemed for mandatory evacuation, so my family packed up the belongings we thought of packing - filling up our vehicle, and we evacuated to my sister's house, who lives on the hill.

We returned home on June 22nd 2013 to find that our house was still in perfect happy order - no flood hit us.  HOWEVER --- the flood DID get close to our home, just across the railway tracks from us.

I thought about publishing a story of this experience, but seeing as how we didn't actually get flooded, I figure the story is pointless to write now. It's not exciting or heart-wrenching enough.

As for my writing itself ---- I had a great story to tell in The Book of Finch - but I fully admit that I am not a very good writer to be telling that story.

I'm a good typist, I had a great story, but my actual writing skills leave much to be desired.

Of course, authorhouse has been accused of inserting typos into documents, and as far as I know this really could be true - but anyways, I feel sorry for the people who bought my first edition and found that it had so many problems.

Of course, my grandmother liked my first edition and thought it was well-written, which is great, because when I look at it, I think it is hideous.

One of the biggest indicators that I'm a poor writer even if I had a great story is--- I referred to my poetry as 'prose' in my book. Very sad. Before I went insane, I think I had a proper understanding of the word 'prose', but in grade 12 it was like my mind was wiped and I had/have to relearn everything.

It is absolutely true that my mind encountered problems and that I have had brain malfunction - I do not deny this.  The part of my psychiatric diagnosis that I argued with was the part where I'm not allowed to believe in my miracles or seeing Jesus and all that. For all I know my brain problem was a miracle.

Before my brain problem, my attempts at mind-reading failed horribly. After the brain problem - it is clear that I do have some ability at the mentalism. It might be that my brain changed in order to facilitate telepathy, therefore the "brain problem" could have been a miracle. Just a theory though.

Though I don't include this story in my book, I would like to note that I believed in some possibility that mind-reading was possible before I went insane, and I even tried experimenting, finding that I was completely unable. Eventually the ability did appear however.

So::: my family is safe from the flood, our house is safe and in operation. My book's story is a great story, but I'm not a very good writer, and my brain problem might have developed my ability to become a mentalist.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Seeing More Similarities

Only just yesterday I wrote an e-mail to three of my closest acquaintances discussing this one video I saw on the "Shut Up! Cartoons" Youtube Channel released yesterday.

The reason I discussed this video, is because I started writing a book when I was at my Uncle's wedding, and there were a number of things about my writing and this animation on Youtube that were comparable.

Well, only a day later, and "Shut Up! Cartoons" is freaking me out again. In their latest episode of Planets (#14), Uranus writes a memoir and his stalker refers to it as some kind of good "prose".

Just think about this: my most recent blog post, before this one, refers to my book, which is more or less a memoir, and how I completely misused the word "prose".

With how yesterday's cartoon had some similarities with some of my writing, even recent writing, and now today's cartoon is again got some similarity with recent writing - well, you know, I'm sitting here thinking that nothing is out of the ordinary. Oh yeah - this has become the new normal for me, to see elements of my writing reflected in popular media. It's usually fun and flattering to see it, but these most recent Cartoons are... well, it's just weird. I'm not sure how to describe it.

As for my writing, when I was at my Uncle's wedding I started working on a book. Then, today I had an inspiration to try and write a short story for a fantasy magazine, so I wrote up a short story that matches the specifications of the fantasy magazine, but then I realized that if I flesh-out this new second story that I could probably turn it into a book too.

So, though I'm more likely to actually make money by writing a short story for this magazine, I'm thinking I might just write two more books this summer. I just have to get past my laziness, or at least try not to over-exert myself, and yeah - I'm not talking about full length novels here, most likely just Novellas, or a Novellette if I can't make enough content.

As for my position on the LDS church::: Recently my thoughts turned to how I don't really have any purpose in life. I mean, I have my patriarchal blessing, but in my recent mind thinking my patriarchal blessing doesn't seem valid or likely so I'm sitting here just thinking I'm going to write these books, try to make some money if anyone will actually buy them, and though I think it's possible that I may some day return to church --- recently my thoughts have been that I have no real actual valid purpose in life, even though I still pray to and love God.

It's weird - I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus - but my perspective regarding the Patriarchal blessing I was given is that it doesn't really seem valid anymore, and now I'm wandering through life without a real purpose - just going to keep myself busy through various things, including writing a book.

Oh - if I flesh out the project I created today and it turns out to be short enough for a short story (which is unlikely, it'll probably be too long) then maybe I'll try submitting it to that fantasy magazine.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Evidence of a brain problem?

Well, even if I really, truly do have miracles and telepathy and all that --- it is also apparent that for a while in my life my mind didn't work properly. This would show itself when I was at school, where somehow my mind or my thinking would say the complete opposite of what was actually true --- or in other words, just getting completely wrong answers.

I don't know why my brain did this to me --- I used to be so smart that I'd get perfect or near perfect scores, but all of the sudden my brain exploded and I was pretty much getting everything wrong and I couldn't think properly.

There are a number of ways that this "opposites" brain problem has continued to manifest itself in these latter years, 9-12 years after the problems began.

In The Book of Finch, some of the events that aren't shown chronologically are deliberately made that way - in order to make the story flow on one topic better. But then there were some versions of the story where I'd get the sequence of events sort of flipped around for no good reason. Also note: some events I am vaguely aware of when they happen, and I re-wrote those parts of the book to make the story flow better rather than trying to fix the information.

So:
1) Some chronology is deliberately out of order just to get a discussion flowing on a topic better.
2) Some chronology was out of order because I didn't remember properly and I eventually changed it.
3) Some chronology has no historical record other than my memory - but I changed it anyways because it seemed to flow better that way.

But that's not the big point. The big point is::

For a long time, in my poetry section, I used the word "Prose" to refer to the poetry. Of course, this was completely wrong and stupid -- and it was in fact my brain not working properly. It was weird, I used to know things so well when I was young, but somehow my brain just completely "opposited" the definition of the word "prose". I'm going to update and have it changed in a future edition.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

The Wedding

My uncle, my father's brother, got married yesterday, and I attended the wedding.

I am so proud of my family, and I realized and am now expressing how much I love this tree I belong to.

I don't have really any connections to the Finnish side of my family, especially as I've never been to Europe and I don't speak finnish or swedish, but the Attfield side of my family is well rooted in Canada and I think it's just a wonderful bunch. It was so nice to see a big chunk of the clan these past few days.

I spent more of my life with the LDS family rather than my real Attfield family (my immediate family is the only LDS church members in our bigger family) and I have to say, compared to the LDS church, or LDS family, the Attfield family is so much more to be proud of than the LDS church.

Yes - yesterday as I was in that room with my family, I thought and compared it to how I would spend time with the church. And I realized that I'm heavily disappointed with the church, but that I do love my own family - how awesome my family is.

Though my actual family is a bunch of alcoholics and that's quite different from the LDS environment I spent much of my life in, again I am thinking that I'm more likely to become an alcoholic myself than completely reactivate in the LDS church.

I don't drink alcohol. And I haven't checked with my doctor about it yet, so as it stands I probably won't, but I'll just say that I'm more enticed to become a drinker like the rest of my family than I am to continue with the LDS family which was largely a great disappointment.

Yesterday during the dinner my aunt's husband came up to our table and gave us a CD - his daughter's album.

Yes - it appears my aunt's step-daughter is a recording artist. She's on iTunes - her name is Kristine St-Pierre and her album is called "Call me Crazy". Download and have a listen. I'm listening to it right now as I write this - she's got a good voice and it is enjoyable. Half of it is in French though.

Though I just found out about it yesterday, I am feeling kind of excited to be almost-sort-of related to a recording artist. Her website is http://www.kristinestpierre.com. Go have a look!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

First Telepathy Video Demonstration

I Thought I lived in a RIGHT-of-centre state

Just when you think the government and society you live in is a right-leaning capitalist community, you learn a very disturbing and unsettling truth::

I work my butt off writing my books, advertising, publishing, I mean, I spend so much time and effort and money and all to write, publish and advertise my books, and though I spent all that effort, people can't be bothered to pay a small fee to read my stuff.

And, being disabled, I do dick-all with my time and I don't have any or many responsibilities, but I get paid a whole lot for doing nothing.

So::: I get paid a bunch for doing nothing, and I earn very little from my earnest hard work.

And this is supposed to be a capitalist society we live in??

I guess you could say that I'm just very disappointed in my 1600+ facebook "fans" who'll click the like button, but most of them won't even read my book even if it's free. This sort of thing makes me lose faith in humanity.

SO: I earn lots of money for doing nothing, I get paid little for hard work, in fact, in school you pay to do the work, and then I get lots of fans who can't be bothered to read the thing even if it's free.

So so sad.