Thursday, March 7, 2013

I Feel Like a Loser

I can feel my self esteem going kaput. Growing up I tried to be a good person, but I guess you could say that after my life experiences and now that I am grown up, I have become less-than-wholesome.

When I was young I made an agreement with God --- that in exchange for my celestial exaltation, I would serve the Lord for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, the offer of serving the Lord all my life was not enough to actually snag me a wife, and therefore I have no celestial exaltation without a wife.

I was the smartest kid in school growing up --- why on earth would God reject my lifetime of service? Why couldn't he simply let me have a woman so our agreement could go into effect?

Maybe my masturbation problem offended God --- but seriously, if God didn't want me to masturbate, then why did he take away my potential female companions?

 

And then there are other reasons why I can feel like a loser. If you read my book, you'll see that I pretty much went insane. Of course, to this day I would still debate the actual reality of anything there --- but even I realize that though I am not in full agreement with psychiatry about everything, yes, I did go insane.

My life's story is just so unwholesome that I really didn't turn out to be the person I would have hoped to be.

I barely graduated from High School. Grade 12 was hell on my mind. University was beyond my ability.

Though I have achieved some remarkable things in my life, those things could only happen with outside help from other people and a greater power. Alone I am pathetic.

 

I don't really have much in the way of friends either. I have only about a dozen friends on facebook, some of them I don't know personally, some of them are just family or acquaintances and very rarely do they interact with anything I actually say on facebook. It's like no one really cares.

 

Growing up, it seemed that I held such potential for my life and my future. Am I already "over-the-hill"? I say that because rather than a progressive upward movement you would have expected from a guy like me, I actually fell pretty badly.

 

Basically, I'm bloody useless and no bloody good. I'm generally considered intelligent, but my actual scope of achievement is extremely limited. I'm the only person in my family to have written a book, but I am also the only person in my family to not complete post-secondary education or consistently work at a real job.

 

I guess you could say that I march to the beat of a different drum. But all in all, things definitely didn't turn out the way I would have hoped. I feel uselessly incapable, as though my life were driven by fate rather than free-will.

 

Am I fated to be a loser? Or am I just learning something from this journey? Maybe I am learning --- growing up I was a good-learner and the king-of-the-hill of school-and-studies. I guess I'm just learning about what it's like to be the under-achiever now, or maybe everyone has to experience some hell in their lives and I'm no exception. Maybe that's all it was.

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