Friday, December 28, 2012

Low-Quality Thought Process

You want to know the latest way I discovered I had screwed up? On the copyright page of the second edition of Letters to Whomever, a book that none of you (except for one guy) actually bought, I referred to the second edition as the third edition on the copyright page. That little error went completely unnoticed by myself until today. I have no idea.

You know what people? I'm not a very good writer. I'm not a very good mentalist. It's true that people will compliment me by telling me I'm intelligent or that my first edition was well written or that I clearly explained myself in the second edition --- but when it really comes down to it, and perhaps I am my own worst critic, as it would seem, my writing has suffered tremendously from various problems including inaccuracies, typos, omissions and incoherencies.

I am really not a very good writer. My story was interesting enough to write about, but I was was not the best storyteller for the job. I do congratulate on myself for some of the writing I've done - After reading some of my own writing I realize that some of my stuff is well-written, but I've produced enough garbage that I can't really consider myself to be a good writer.


I'm a bad mentalist too. I mean, I AM a mentalist --- it is utterly obvious from numerous experiences I've had that I have experienced some sort of mental telepathy or greater awareness --- and though I have experienced that kind of reality, generally speaking, I wouldn't say I'm very good at it. I'm good enough to beat statistics, but I'm not good enough to really be impressive. I'm a bad mentalist - not good enough for TV.


I enjoy life, I think life is good, but I have to try and be nice and polite to people. Sometimes I seem like a total dick I'm sure - and that's not really right, I guess it's good that I have socialist medicine to give me the medications I need so my brain works in a way that people like. I wish I didn't need the meds, but I am realizing that it's very possible that this drug gives me a longer fuse.


Growing up (depending on what point of life we're talking about), I generally thought I was a good person. Was I? No - I was a stupid kid, I was a stupid kid even if I was the smartest guy in the class. I'm not trying to say that my classmates were "ultra-stupid" or anything, I'm just saying that I did not know or understand things that I realize now, and even if I was a good student, I was not smart enough.


And that goes for myself today too. I'm still not very smart - I'm lazy, you could say I'm weak, I'm insociable.


I want to be a good person, but I don't know how to achieve some of my lofty goals. I feel good about my life, I'm happy with my life, but I'm puny compared with the person I had hoped I would be.


So, at this point in my life, I think I'm just going to try and pay my debts, and if I get that special document from Avril Lavigne I can then finally finish my books completely (hopefully). I mean -- it would be great to just be finished with this book project, to finally have a final perfected set of documents. Maybe I'll advertise the book when I'm done, but from experience I know I can't really expect too much from people.


So yeah - finish the books, pay my debts, a friend of mine thinks I should find another job - but I know I'm too weak and lazy, or at least I think I'm too weak and lazy. Well, maybe my brain just doesn't work very good anymore. I was top of the class growing up, but now, even if I am considered to be intelligent by those around me, I still see myself as a rather flawed individual. That's just the way it is.

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