Friday, February 22, 2019

Thankful Update

In today's update on my life, I've got a lot to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for Canada's health care system.

And I'm thankful for the new model mac mini I now have.

I got the refurbished low-end base model of the new mac mini. It runs A LOT faster than the 1.4ghz. It's a dream come true. I'd very much recommend spending the extra few hundred dollars on the new mac mini rather than a refurbished 1.4ghz model.

I will note in this post::::: it appears that in order to get Gigabit ethernet working on the new Mac Mini ---- go to:

System Preferences > Network > Ethernet > Advanced > Hardware > Configure: Manually > Speed 1000 base T

I thought I'd mention that because either due to time machine preferences from my old machine or whether this is just a default setting ----- I had to manually switch to 1000 base t rather than using 100 base t ethernet.

As for my music recording and posting on Youtube::: I am doubtful I will have new content for tomorrow.

I TRIED to create content, but my one recording isn't any good, actually, the second recording wasn't that great either but it also was psychotic as I mentioned before.

Yeah ----- I have nothing. So much for a weekly program.

But yeah ---- Just great to have a health care system that cares,

and it's great to have a Mac Mini that is a lot zippier and works for the intended purposes.

Thank God.

Wednesday, February 20, 2019


so:: I'm watching my Youtube stats ------ usually historically if I offered something for free, people would download it in droves. (OK -- 100 downloads of an ebook is "droves" in my head, while 100 video views on youtube are underwhelming)

Now that I'm Youtube ----- I've only got, basically, a trickle of interested people.

A trickle of people watching me on Youtube doesn't make me feel encouraged to publish on a streaming service.


Looking at what I know about my income, my advertising, everything ---- how much do people like me?

Looking back on my life, people never really liked me. I've always seemed to have problems, even if something was going well for me in one area, there'd be problems in another.

Right now I can think of three options for my options of making money and being a popular seller:::

1) People just don't like me, they never have, and my royalties are negligible. This is the most basic at-face-value way I see things.

BUT ------ there's more to the story:::::

2) Back several years ago, my disability income was only $1188CAD per month. After I wrote my books and did all my work, today my disability income is $1685CAD per month ------ which is a SUBSTANTIAL increase.  What are the chances that the government takes what I earn and redistributes it monthly?

BUT ------ What about SPAM?

3) I know a lot of garbage email is never trusted, people don't like to think about it, but IF we were to accept my spam email at face value::::: Then I have a Swiss bank account with millions of dollars stashed away.

Yeah, I know, option #3 seems really way-out-there, and yes, it's easily understood to likely not be real, especially in my family where trust is ultra low and paranoia is high -----------

I know the Swiss bank account option seems to be unrealistic at face value -------- but I've spent the past 9 years of my life trying to sell things, and well, there's a certain level of believability in my mind that someone might have stashed my money in a Swiss bank account.

So:::: We don't really know if there is a Swiss bank account or not --- that's the kind of thing I might want a Lawyer to help me with --------but at face value, my family doesn't trust that at all, and it's just Junk mail to them.


Either people never liked me and still don't -----------

Or my earnings get redistributed through the disability payment system ------------

and according to my SPAM inbox, I have a Swiss bank account with millions stashed away.

Which is the right story to choose for my life narrative? Hahahaha.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Screening Calls

My family has learned to be very paranoid over the years, so we often just screen phone calls.

But today we've received two calls:::: we screened them of course, but what I learned is interesting::::

766 is apparently the area code for New York.

I did not know that before.

Makes sense considering an old video game I played.

Also:::: Apparently a local Retail Business here in Calgary phoned to offer me 0% interest on all my credit cards.

Like I said, my family is paranoid, and I know that even if this was a legit offer my parents would probably find it highly suspicious. Thanks for the offer though. That was very kind.

But this call was not misinformed ----- they called to congratulate me on my credit rating,

which is interesting because my bank recently wrote to me to pre-approve me for their credit card.

Thing is though:::: I don't plan on going into any level of deeper debt again anytime.

I may have started guitaring, but like I said in my last post:::: that may end quickly if I can't think of things to talk about besides whining about my life.

I was basically just having some fun with Youtube. If the Youtube thing goes viral, then maybe I'll publish what I've already got on a streaming service may be.

yeah. Um. I have good credit, enough to apparently inspire a local retailer to give me an offer ------ but I have no plans of indebting myself again in a big way.

My parents wouldn't even trust such things as I know them.

Life is getting exciting, but if I'm to keep making music I'll need better ideas. I might need better musical knowledge and skills too.

This could take a while.

Monday, February 18, 2019

Writing New Music

On a side note: Just now as I was opening my web browser to write this post - I must've waited 5 or 10 minutes just for the web browser to load.

And then there was that time when it took an hour to order lunch ---- I turned on my computer, waited to boot, waited to log in, waited to open the web browser etc etc ------ really really slow.

I'll be so glad once I finally replace this 1.4ghz mac mini with one of the new macs. Just have to wait patiently.

It's almost like the hard drive on this machine is slower than it has to be.

Anyway:: now for the real post::

A week ago I thought I'd try putting one of my poems from The Book of Finch to music and releasing it this Saturday. But I'm not very trained musically, so the music I added to the song made the poem seem sick --- like, literally it seemed like illness music, something you would listen to if you were about to barf.

So, I put that idea on the shelf.

And then yesterday, I decided maybe I should try writing a song to release on Youtube this Saturday to keep up a schedule -----

So, I wrote the poetry I could feel, the poetry that was inside of me ------

I wrote music for that poetry ---------

And I have to say ------ it's psychotic music. Like, it's what's inside of me, and it might even be a good message to tell, but it's not necessarily a NICE message.

It's the story of going through so much mistreatment repeatedly and just being told to forgive everything.

I leave a lot to the imagination, but if you knew what it was like to experience that in life you may see how such a song could be considered "wrong".

(And though The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints loves telling music it is wrong, this wrong music is a clear product of me living in that church)

Anyway ----- so I wrote a poem, and created some music --- it's what I could do because that's how my soul flows -----

But it's music that's basically on some level, psychotic. Paranoid schizophrenia levels of psychotic.

I mean ---- you know "Let's Talk" ------- it's good to let people know about this sort of thing,

but it's not necessarily a positive message.

And considering how Guidelines of behavior might be, I'm just wondering that maybe I should scrap this song as well. It's on my hard drive, but if I want to be a happy musician and make the world a better place ------ would such unhappy psychotic music help?

I think it COULD help ----- but I know probably someone wouldn't agree with that.

If you had a brain and interpreted my song, it would be taken as a message to always be on your best behavior --------

But it doesn't say that outright.

So yeah, I'm basically wondering if I'll have to scrap this. Maybe in some code of law such a song would be allowed ---- but we're talking YOUTUBE here, where it may or may not be OK ------ as well as a Church of Jesus Christ environment where people can be very judgmental.

So::: it's possible that my music project might have only two songs in it now -----

Simply because I write what I feel, and what I felt, trying to stay on schedule, someone might not like.

And the truth is, I've felt this way, I've had concerns over these thoughts for many years now ------ and the only real place I can discuss it is with my doctor. Nobody else wants to hear it.

So ----- Though I could have written more and produced a weekly song (maybe), I might have to shut down my own project, simply because I am full of grief and often don't have much else to talk about, in the depths of my soul.

I basically have to make deliberate effort to be happy really.

Saturday, February 16, 2019

Mellow Music 1 - Garage Band Guitar Instrumental

I've just released my latest composition and performance on Youtube. It's a lot calmer than my previous song. I made a change to the score today to make it better. I designed this song to help a player practice switching between chords. I like it.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

About Psychiatry

I just thought I'd share a bit about my understanding or experiences with psychiatry here in Canada.

Psychiatric clinics do seem a little scary --- especially after you've lived a life of torment.

But, looking back, I have to say that psychiatry has been overall beneficial in my life.

The worst part of psychiatry is probably the drugs ------ it is really questionable how useful those really are -------

but in my life of living in the mental health system here, psychiatry has provided so much help ----- it feeds me, it gives me someone to talk to, it's like my friend, and it even helps me figure out some of life's problems.

OK ---- so there are different kinds of psychiatry.

I got psychiatry with a slant that really questions the LDS Church ------ and this has really helped me.

I don't know completely if there are psychiatrists out there who would go total pro-LDS ------- so I can't say for certain anything about that --------

but in my experiences with psychiatry, they really helped me question the validity of the church ---- and that REALLY HELPED.

So:::: being LDS, with beliefs in the paranormal and a no drugs philosophy, Psychiatric clinics seem really scary ----

but, looking back, yeah, it has actually been very good for me.

The worst part is the drugs ---- although the doctors themselves would say that the drugs helped me recover as much as I have. I don't know if I fully believe that ---- but the good news is that I am recovering.

Psychiatry can be a really good benefit for your life ------ but if you "misbehave too much" then they will make sure to treat you for those behaviors too I'm sure ------ so psychiatry has it's rewards for both patients and victims. Which is great.

Anyway, that's just how I've seen it in my Canadian psychiatric experience.

I should note ------- not all doctors are the same, and I've been lucky because for years now I've had a REALLY GOOD DOCTOR. it's been awesome having this psychiatrist.

So yeah ---- just the biggest bad thing that there might be about this profession is the drugs: how much do they really help?

I should also say that I am on a really good drug too.  The Paliperidone Injectable, or Invega Sustenna ------- has let me live my life happily and freely as I would want to, the only really big drawback being I gained a lot of weight, which doesn't really feel like too much of a problem anymore.

Some drugs are designed to put their patients to sleep.

My med lets me have more regular sleeping patterns --- it does NOT put me to sleep, and this has been wonderful for me.

I am actually just like the church taught in primary:::: early to bed and early to rise.

Anyway::::: I know psychiatry can seem scary, but after my years of living with it ----- it has actually been quite good. I really questioned it for a very long time.

It's not perfect, but it was really, really helpful. So yay.

The Power of Helping

so: good news: Purolator says they found my amp, and they said they are going to deliver it to me today. Yippee.

But the following is what I really wanted to say::::::

If you don't already know, in all my time trying to do this or that, selling things, I've found that people typically just do not pay.

This means that I am forced to survive mostly on the disability income I receive ----- and the reason I'm disabled is because of all the abuse and torment I received from other people when I was growing up.

So:::: growing up I was treated very poorly, and this is why I now have my income.

I've tried to work and entertain and educate people, but people don't pay me anything for this work ---- obviously something is very wrong with humanity, as things aren't going well repeatedly.

ANYWAY ------- SO:::: I bought an electric guitar, and I am now able to make my own music.

I also figured out that I will soon finally be able to buy a low-end new mac mini.

But I have to emphasize::::


is because my grandmother donated $500 to me as a Christmas gift.

I would not feel able to buy the guitar or the mac mini so soon if it wasn't for Grandma's Christmas gift/donation.

She basically just invested in my talents, really.

So:::: if a simple $500 donation gets me moving down a road where I can now play guitar online and even get a new mac,

then wouldn't it sure be interesting if people actually paid me for my work or donated bitcoin? I"m sure it would be pretty darned interesting.

I was just watching a video on youtube that says entrepreneurs suffer because people don't have money to spend. I believe it.

Imagine what the world would be like if people were honest in their dealings. Huh. The world would likely be a MUCH better place.


Main point of this post::::

My amp will be returned to me soon,

and the effects of one $500 donation/gift to me have been tremendous. Getting paid really, really helps.