Thursday, March 22, 2018

Big news

Last night Youtube decided to show me some videos about how dangerous psychiatric drugs are and what the better alternative treatments are.

Today as I talked to my Dad about it, I'll note that I get really annoyed with his lack of what I call "objectivity".

I can become pretty agitated when talking to my Dad --- and I'll show you how the structure of the discussion is so you can see what the problem is:

1) I start talking with my Dad about a topic.
2) My Dad asks me a question related to this topic
3) I answer his question
4) Then he says "so why are we discussing this?"
5) at this point I just get annoyed, we were discussing that answer because he asked me about it.

So: yeah. If you ever wonder why my Dad might say I get angry at him::: the above is the perfect example.

He asks me a question, I answer it, and then he's wondering what about or why we're even talking.

It has been basically this impossible to discuss issues with him ever since the problems started in 2001.

Before today's example, my brother pointed out his lack of objectivity revolved around "changing sides" in his discussion----

one minute he was telling me to forgive 70 times 7, and the next minute it's about calling the police---

Dad ----- please don't waffle or change sides in the discussion --- keep it objective.

So yeah, I've found a youtube channel that explains the truth about psychiatry. I would believe this --- this is what I initially suspected all along, and it makes perfect sense to me.

I've been lied to for years.

You know that 7 point list I made earlier about why I would be mentally unstable?

In order to explain the actual problems of that time to my Dad, I had to write the list down for him to look at ------

at which point my memory started working a bit better, and now I have SIXTEEN (16) points of nonsense and incoherency in my life back then that would have driven me insane.

Quite a few of those points are actually directly LDS Church related.


In other news, Alberta Budget 2018 was released today.

The most meaningful thing to me in this budget is maybe the new tax incentive for video game developers.

But that's just a big maybe:::: I've never actually made money on video games as far as I've been told and who knows if I'll stay in the business.

I learned that the average video game developer in Alberta makes $70,000 per year ------ and somehow there's no or zero numbers showing up for me.


So yeah, it's just interesting that Google has pointed out the actual truth about psychiatry to me.

I was on this line of thought from the very beginning.

Nobody cared to let me have my freedom or let me think for myself - and I was lied to.


Wednesday, March 21, 2018

ID'd or Mis-ID'd?

Today I talked to my psychiatrist. I told her about Matthew 10:8 --- "Freely ye have received, give freely".

That didn't sound like a plan to her. The idea is I should work for money.

And the injections nurse got excited about my Youtube channel after I told him about how much I would have made if the people who ripped me off had honestly paid me.


I was eating at the food court in a mall today.

As I was eating I noticed the guy the table over from me ---- he looked like "Black Jesus" from 2002.

He had an iPhone and a bag and was just kind of sitting there.

I realized how closely similar he looked to the guy I met by the train bridge in 2002 --- "is this God?" I am wondering to myself.

Then another guy came to his table.

At this point, I could easily be "fooled" by the darkness of their skin and hair, and think they were just a couple of Syrian refugees...

Except ----- the haircut of the new guy at the table resembled the haircut from the angel in 2004.

He had dark skin and black hair this time ----- but the hairstyle was familiar to an angel I had seen before.

So, either I saw a couple Syrian-refugee-body-doubles, or else Black Jesus and his angel were actually just the table over from me while I was eating in the food court at a mall.

LDS General Conference is this weekend, and tomorrow is Budget Day here in Alberta.

And with my fame, there's something to feel good about at the psychiatric office.

I'm recovering from mental illness::::: so who knows how real or delusional I am about my God or Jesus sightings.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

What's next?

I just a moment ago looked at my most recent and last email from Annie Liability, my version of ballerinagirl.

She was never really certain of why or who was responsible for the decision of how she and I had to end our friendship------

all she had was some vague idea that I wasn't mentally stable at that time.

About my mental stability at that time:::::
She's right, I was starting to lose my mind at that time, and here's some reasons:
1) Grandma's Ghost Sexually Molested Me, making me addicted to sin
2) My Dad is constantly unemployed and there's no money.
3) My brother is a lunatic
4) My sister is trying to drive me crazy
5) My Dad believes someone was vandalizing our transportation and that's driving him crazy
6) The previous bullying at school left a bad taste in my mouth
7) My Mom was screaming at me not to play video games, so now I can't unwind from all my school work.

I'm not even sure if the above list is a full representation of every problem I faced back then ----- but yes, just from telling Ballerinagirl about my life, she must've realized I was not in a good mental condition. And I wasn't.

So:::: She had some justification for leaving me, but only sort of-----

Because she was my friendly emotional support at that time -------

Her parents were SOOO PISSED at me for being friends with her.

So::: what we have here, is mentally unstable me, living in complete hell ----- and for no real explained reason now Annie's parents were getting pissed at me too, taking away my friendly emotional support.

Annie could have helped me keep some kind of mental stability if she was my friend ----- but what her parents did was push me over a cliff.

Things went from bad to so much worse.  Are her parents really justified in how they treated me?

Taking someone who is living in hell and then treating him horribly? I don't know.

Maybe Annie needed to avoid me to keep herself out of my hell ----- but the way her parents treated me pushed me deeper into hell.


Anyway -- so my LDS Patriarchal blessing basically outlines my deal with God where in exchange for exaltation I would serve God for the rest of my life.

The Stake President long ago said someone from my stake would be an apostle.

So:::: Am I going to become an apostle???

Well::::: There's a big problem with me fulfilling my patriarchal blessing, and it's this::::

The church ignored me.

if the millions of church members had paid me for my work, then yeah, then I could get to work and be a church leader if God so chose -----

But, fact is, plain and simple:::: People just didn't pay me for my work, so I can't even go to church on Sundays.

The church, the people who should have provided me with support, just didn't pay me for my work. I can't afford to do church leader things.

There are two vacancies in the apostles which will probably be filled this weekend ----

but fact is I can't even afford to get myself to Salt Lake City.

If the church just wasn't going to support my business, then no, I'm not going to fulfill my patriarchal blessing and be the apostle the patriarch said I'd be.

So why'd the church betray me? Well ---- basically, in all my time with those people, there was usually something completely wrong with how the people operated. And then they can't be criticized for their problems, even though they're supposed to be humble.

But yeah:::: it's a problem when someone decides to treat a mentally unstable person like shit and then the church won't discipline the behavior. And that's just ONE issue.

But hey, I guess the whole church didn't give a shit about me ----- people just wouldn't pay for my work, or donate anything ------ and now I can't afford to fulfill my patriarchal blessing.

Oh well. Somehow the church just turned against me I guess ----- starting with big problems growing up that the church never really fixes and now I'm not even going to be the servant I was supposed to be.


Monday, March 19, 2018


So, after writing that post about wanting to de-hypnotize myself - yesterday I was with my Dad driving around, when I felt basically like a microchip had been removed from my brain ---- and the unceasing constant thoughts about Mormonism suddenly stopped.

I've spent the past over a decade of my life having thoughts about that church swirl around in my head repeatedly, like a broken record.

But the thoughts are going away. My head is getting clearer now.

So, yesterday, realizing that I was no longer pre-occupied in my brain about Mormonism, I decided I would try to start retraining my religious self in what is typically considered the actual truer doctrine::: the New Testament.

Matthew 10:8 (I think) says "Freely ye have received, freely ye give".

That scripture really hit me. All this time I've been preoccupied with being paid for work ---- not that my work is actually really worth anything (besides maybe my books).

Though it's true I need money if I want to buy a home or whatever: it's also true that I've been given so much, so it's only moral for me to give back to everyone else.

OK --- So I do give this and that ----- but I guess I'm just realizing (or resigning myself) that getting paid for my work is a hopeless cause --- and that I can, in fact, just feel good about having as much free distribution as I have had, and not condemning it, causing me to hopefully get forgiveness points from Jesus.

Anyway ----- another interesting thing about this idea of freely giving --------

I've been wanting to replace an 10 year old pc for a while, I'm saving money and budgeting ------ and I was originally going to replace it with a new mac mini.

But mac minis are expensive. I could get an alright linux mini pc for a much more decent price.

Well, one of the big reasons I wanted a mac was so I could develop in XCode --- because I learned how to do that.

But just last night I had an idea in my head to check out MonoDevelop in the Linux repositories.

I downloaded, installed, and quickly figured out I have all the knowledge and skills I need to make at least simple applications for Linux using MonoDevelop and C#.

You know that "Guess 3 Characters" game I have on mac? I quickly ported that to Linux just last night.

So::::: Maybe I can save money by buying cheaper linux hardware than expensive mac hardware.

And we all know that Linux Software is typically free.

As long as I can think of projects to work on.

That's all just tentative however, I'll make a final decision eventually. But --- being on disability --- the prospect of getting cheaper new hardware rather than expensive new hardware is compelling.

So, the two major great points of news here are:::

My brain felt like a microchip has been removed and the endless thoughts about the church are slowing down.

And I figured I can now also build Linux Applications, if I ever get any good ideas. Fun.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Getting De-Hypnotized

So, the Mormon Bishops and Stake Presidents basically hammered this idea into my head that said: "You are required to forgive everyone".

In reality, I found in actual practice the church actually doesn't forgive on many, many occasions.

They require forgiveness, but they don't actually forgive.

So, there was a problem.

Anyway, yesterday I just had what felt like a very therapeutic session discussing this problem and how to get de-hypnotized yesterday with my Dad and Brother.

I really have to thank my brother for being there::: because my Dad will go off on tangents and will flip sides and doesn't keep the discussion objective.

Like, my brother pointed out that my Dad was "flipping sides".

That's because one moment my Dad was advocating that Jesus said "forgive 7 times 70" and the next moment my Dad was saying "You have to call the police".

So Dad::: which is it, am I forgiving 7 times 70 or am I calling the police?

My Dad just seems to have an issue where he can't keep the discussion objective, which is highly apparent when one minute he's advocating one viewpoint, but the next he advocates the opposite.

It's kind of difficult.

When I did a Google Search for "What is forgiveness?" I was pleasantly surprised to find out that most people do NOT require forgiveness in all circumstances.

The Mormon Church required forgiveness of everything,

While with sane person logic, forgiveness is actually supposed to be entirely voluntary and your own choice or decision.

So, I'm basically trying to get de-hypnotized from thinking that I always have to forgive everything.

And then I have to start thinking and deciding for myself what I will forgive and what I will not.

So yeah: there you go: The church always said they always required forgiveness, but in actual practice, they weren't really ever forgiving.

And it's actually scary to think that to actually be like Jesus, then you would be destroying people for their wickedness::::: which means the church changed the definition of forgiveness so that word basically doesn't really actually mean anything useful at all.

There's one sad thing though::::

I try to say good and happy things so that life will be good and happy. It's the law of attraction.

This morning I was sitting next to my Mom at the breakfast table and I said, "Life's good".

She responded, grumpily, "No, life's not good".

So, something is wrong. Hopefully, I can keep myself in a good position, and maybe even help lift her out of whatever is bothering her.

Now, finally, I will just say that the philosophy of NOT FORGIVING people is designed to instill repentance in the population so that people will actually try to do good things and will be disciplined to do things the right way, or generally just to be well behaved.

Always forgiving everything does not encourage good behavior.

By not always forgiving, there is discipline and people will feel more encouraged to behave in a righteous manner.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

I can feel pressure in my brain like I might be crazy


I've been writing emails about what I discovered about LDS Church doctrine.

And I'm not allowed to talk with the females of my family about this discovery. My Dad warns me not to, and when I started to introduce the topic to my mom she just didn't want to hear it.

I have a real, real simple way of exposing the LDS Mormon "Impossible Gospel".

But I know there's enough friction in my own home on this topic that I'm not even sure I should just say it on my blog.

Fact is:::: Knowing what I know, knowing how simple the facts are, but then not being able to tell my family and having my family live in ignorance of the basic facts might drive me a bit crazy.

I'm living with a secret that shouldn't be secret.

My Dad doesn't want me to tell, and my Mom doesn't want to know.

And yet I possess some simple truths.

OK:::: Even if this is "volatile" information, I will print it here, just so you can know how the Mormon Gospel is actually IMPOSSIBLE.

What does the gospel teach?

1) Be like God.

Any or most Mormons should know about this.

2) D&C 1:31 ------ "For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance;"

In The Book of Mormon, Jesus destroys entire cities for their wickedness when he visits America.

3) D&C 64 -------- You are required to forgive all men.

A teaching constantly taught by LDS Bishops and Stake Presidents.

So:::: yeah:::: the gospel is in fact impossible. The only thing that makes sense about this gospel is that they changed the definition of "forgiveness" ------ but the word "forgive" in Mormonism doesn't mean the same thing now as it did when I was a kid ---- there were at least two different changes at two different times to the definition.

It's that simple.

Want to know something else interesting?

Just a day or two ago, as I looked up these scriptures on ------ the search worked just fine, easy to access and I found what I was looking for.

As I was writing this blog post, looking for these scriptures on the same website ------ suddenly the process has become more convoluted and difficult --- the search process is not so easy anymore.

All in this short time frame where I basically tell some people in private messages about how the Impossible Gospel works (or doesn't work).

So yeah. There you go.

My Dad censors me and my Mom doesn't want to hear it.

The gospel is literally impossible to actually live, under standard English word definitions.

And in a very short period of time, changed their searching mechanism so now it's not so easy to do searches for keywords ---- the process is a lot more convoluted and less helpful now.

Oh yeah ------ and knowing these simple points, yet supposedly not being able to fully discuss them with my family ----- I might go crazy with that.

I guess I just have to find some way of moving on, and trying to stay sane.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

The Power of saying "Sorry"

So either my troubled sister reads my blog, or one of the personal messages I sent her brother-in-law or our other sister I sent about our troubled childhood may have came to the attention of my troubled sister ---- because I talked to her today and.....

Turns out she was actually ashamed of the problems she was having as a kid.

I can already feel the healing power of those words ---- admission of knowing how wrong things were ---- that is actually a good thing to do.

The big reason I say this is for a long time I was just really frustrated by my sister --- the behavior went on and on for a long time ---- and I would basically be some form of embittered about her.

But now that she's finally told me that she was ashamed of herself, I am actually feeling better with what basically amounts to an apology.

Some might say an apology is just words, but it does actually have an impact on how my soul feels about the situation. I go from embittered to knowing that she wants to get better.

And that's good.

And then we talked about focusing on good and healthy things.

So:::: A little while ago, probably about the time I was concerned about mail not arriving like it should ---- I noticed my Mom received a letter from People.  The return address was just "People" --- with a star there.

It was a bit odd because my Mom has pretty much had little to no involvement with that magazine all the days I've been alive.

People magazine was never a big deal for us ---- we'd basically see it at the stores, but never really thought about it.

But they wrote to my Mom.

And then today, I discovered my Mom had a copy of a recent People magazine.

So, I asked her what the letter was about ------ she wouldn't tell me.

And she also said the magazine doesn't really interest her that much.

So ---- yes ---- my Mom receives a letter from People magazine, never really was interested, still isn't much interested -------- and happens to buy a copy of the publication.

Just. yeah. They sent her a letter.


But hey ----- who knows what's going on ----- a year or two or three ago I know my Mom received a letter that tacitly asked her for a $100,000 donation to their charity on the cover of the envelope.

Yes --- that is also odd ----- if we actually had that kind of money, I mean, wow. So who knows what's actually going on. But that charity letter was years ago.

And today my bank account is empty ---- never seen thousands of dollars, but am aware of a decent amount of distribution of ripoffs.

yeah. Just odd mail.