Saturday, December 3, 2016

Planning

In a recent newsletter from Plan Canada I received recently, they said one or two of the places they've been charitably helping don't need their help anymore - the situation at those locations has improved.

And then, I am also realizing that my parents DO want me to move out at some point, and I NEED to make as much money as possible, so donating to charity and low-return ethical investing might not work so well.

Aggh.

My brother is away from home right now, so it feels totally safe to stay living with my parents --- but if things go wrong again, then I'll be wanting to get out pronto most likely.

It's just too bad that where I end up in my future housing pretty much entirely depends on the mercies of the local social welfare system.

Really::: beggars can't be choosers, so because I never really got paid much for my books and haven't been paid for my video games ---- I can't really make much personal choice about where I'm going to live, unless I stay at home and in the vicinity of a potentially crazy family member.

So::: there you go::: I could stay at home, invest ethically and charitably ---- but my parents will eventually want me out and I don't like being around a crazy brother ----

so I should save up as much as possible and make profitable investments to help,

and in the end, since people decided to not pay me for my work ---- I don't really have much choice in where I'll end up living anyway. Huh.


For the longest time I was planning that I would just live with my brother, either we'd stay at home and live together at home or we'd move out together --- that we'd be each other's support ---- but now that I've seen what he's like when he's not taking the right meds, now that I am reminded of how bad his problems are ------ I can't do it with my brother anymore. I need to be more independent, but I don't get much choice and, yeah, people just didn't pay me.

Huh.

I might be able to stay with my parents for a few more years---- and when I move out, I don't suspect I'll have much choice about where I end up.

So it's really just too bad.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Saving the World

With the onset and return of severe mental illness in my brother, I have been wanting to move away from my parents' house, because I can't deal with my brother when he's sick --- and if my parents pass away, and it's just me and him living together, if he ever gets sick again --- I won't be able to deal with it.

With my talk of moving out, my Sister, with the help of health care workers, has started to make a real push to get me to move out.

But I'm wondering if it'll largely be a waste of money and a good opportunity, simply because of my brother's mental illness.



After watching Youtube videos decrying our society's materialism, I realize that I could try to have an impact, try to make a difference in the world with the resources I have, and my general lack of debt.


I could invest in ethical and eco and socially responsible investments. I could help save the world, essentially.




On one hand I could be selfish and live by myself ---- but that would take up resources and wouldn't help anyone but me.



On the other hand, I could help take care of my parents in their old age, which is something Jesus would do according to the Bible --- and I could invest in ethical investments and support charity.



I was thinking I would have to give up on the charities once I started contributing to my parents more or living on my own ---- but maybe I won't have to.



So:::: I know everyone is so eager for me to get going on my own, but for ethical reasons it makes more sense for me to live at home with my parents and invest ethically, to benefit the world and mankind as a whole, rather than just selfishly looking out for just myself.



I can only hope that my brother's symptoms will come under control and remain under control.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Confused

it seems that people are getting really interested in moving me out of my parents' home. It does kind of make sense to do this --- I just hope I can fit all the requirements in a budget, and hopefully save up investments.


Today I was talking to my Dad about how strange it was that I was raised in a church that would issue propaganda at Especially for Youth about believing in miracles, so we would believe in miracles, and how the church specifically and explicitly told me I would work miracles, and then they ended up putting me into psychiatry that wouldn't allow me to believe in miracles.

To me, it just seems kind of wrong that the church would raise me to believe in something that they would then put me into a program where I'm not allowed to believe in it anymore.

essentially:::: I got my diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia because I believed in miracles. The doctors made it very clear the miracles were wrong. And the church did not defend my belief.


But then as I was talking to my Dad about this::: boom! Suddenly it's OK to believe in miracles again, because my Dad said he believes in miracles.

I'm getting so confused.


I was told to believe in things, then told not to believe in those things, being forced on drugs for believing in them, and now I'm allowed to believe again.


Makes no sense at all. Why didn't the church ever defend my belief? Why didn't my Dad defend my belief?


I was raised to believe, then told not to believe under threat of detention and medication, and then it's suddenly OK to believe again.

What the heck???

But, I suppose all the problems that the church never solved or even caused has helped both me and my Dad decide that the church is just BS.

We believe in God, we believe in miracles ----- but the LDS Mormon church has so many problems, we don't believe in it in the way that they did.

Just so weird. Drugged for how I was raised, and then still being drugged but for "different reasons" now. No idea.


The doctors used to be "hardcore against miracles", but now it's totally OK to have miracles. Doesn't change the need to take medications though. Not sure why.


Who knows??? Maybe mental illness legislation is just a way for the good people who believe in God to take it easy and get some rest after being screwed over. That's pretty much what it's been for me.


I'm not sure I will ever understand::: raised to believe, drugged for believing, and now I'm still allowed to believe again. Makes no sense at all.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Happy 777th Post to me

Well, it's been a bunch of years, and a bunch of work, and now I've reached my 777th post.

Last night I was wondering about how insane I was to put my life out on the internet like this --- especially when it was nearly pointless financially -----

but yeah, I really was insane::::: I have had never ending psychological problems about the LDS Mormon church ---- just this morning I just felt I had to talk to my Dad AGAIN about how my mind is blown by how the the LDS Mormons practise "Forgiveness".

I am getting better, I am recovering, I discuss it less and less, and it bothers me less and less ---- but it does still bother me.

I am a psycho case, though I appear to be getting better.

So it's crazy I put my life out online like that considering the lack of financial benefit --- but yeah, I was crazy, having serious issues trying to understand my religion.

I suppose I "celebrated" 777 post day by buying a really cool indoor flying rc helicopter toy that shoots darts.

By later in the afternoon I had developed enough skill flying it to fly it from the living room to the kitchen, and then fire a dart hitting the chandelier -- although the chandelier was not my target. Sorry, no pics.

Life is really enjoyable in some ways part of the time, and in other ways other of the time it's an absolute misery. Things are OK for me right now though.

Oh --- OUYA responded to me on twitter about those downloads --- it was internal testing and fixing analytics bugs. Good to know.

Well, I guess I'm just another failed business, being kept afloat by the government's "investment" in me. I'm really just doing this all as an individual --- but it's like a business, I guess. Not successful financially though.

I know I shouldn't complain. I just look at these years of effort and wish people had been kinder. The world needs kindness and love.

Anyway. Yeah. 777th post. Yay me.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Curiosity and Questions

In the past 3 days, my game Coconuts versus Bananas has been downloaded 10 times. The Bananatree Brothers was downloaded 5 times. If the system worked as you'd think it should, I should have made $25 from this ---- but no, nothing has been reported but the downloads. (no sales)

I am very curious about what is going on here.

Yesterday I tried sending a tweet to OUYA, asking about this, and this morning I checked the tweet's stats and found it only had 3 impressions.

That means I'm probably like, the only guy who saw the tweet. None of my 300+ followers even saw it.

Am I in trouble?

Anyway. Yeah. I have speculations about what's going on, but I can't really be too sure --- even telepathy is highly flawed. I am very limited in what I can understand, I can speculate, but I know that not everything that passes through my head is actually true --- so I don't really fully know.

I'm just really really curious. I can think of all kinds of possibilities --- but which is the truth?

Though I've been supporting socialism for years now --- I have to admit my psychology is a bit messed up about the possibility or potential of becoming rich, but then slamming into a glass ceiling that says I need to share with someone else.

I totally know that the poor need help - I totally get that ------ but I used to be a capitalist before I was a socialist, and years before the switch I set a goal for myself to make a million dollars ---- so psychologically I'm kind of in a bit of a weird state.

It's kind of like how I once totally supported the mormon church, and now I don't. The person who I used to be has a past that still runs into the future, even though I've changed course. It might be a little difficult to explain.

I guess I just have huge curiosity about why I'm not making money.

Am I in trouble?

Am I helping others?

Who knows.

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As I think about the possibility that I might be facing trouble --- it's sad for me --- growing up I always tried to be a good boy. But that doesn't stop half a classroom of schoolmates from trying to hypnotize me to do things I shouldn't do.

It doesn't stop a bishop from being corrupt, or the church from never even being true in the first place --- it doesn't stop all kinds of normal human psychological frailty.

I suppose it's good if I'm helping others ---- but if I'm in trouble, then I'm sad because I always tried to do what I thought was right, unless at the time I really was just being completely insane ---- but that's insanity, and not me.

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Anyway - just think: 10 copies of Coconuts versus Bananas distributed --- 4 players per game ----- that's 40 people who all apparently couldn't afford $2. I've only ever sold one copy of that game, and before that the previous sale was refunded.

Well, Youtube has tried to explain to me that there are a lot of really poor people in the world. So huh.


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I guess my path to wealth is a social benefit and a tax-free savings account, rather than actual work. Something is very weird about that. Just so strange.


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I just remembered:: the LDS Church was always teaching me about "service work", which is just a new term for slavery:::: The LDS church was teaching us, expecting us to want to work for free, without payment. They'd give vague promises of blessings and good feelings.

Ah, anyway. See how my past goes into my future even though I've changed direction?

I used to believe in service work under mormonism --- now i don't believe in mormonism anymore --- but I'm still doing "free" work where I don't get paid [much]. Hmmmm.

huh.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Wondering if I should feel guilty

A week or two ago I got a phonecall from "A Financial Institution" (unspecified) and the caller wanted to "talk about the markets".

I immediately suspected it was those binary options guys, so I shutdown the phonecall quickly.

But now I'm realizing::: what if it was that company with a Federal Profile that called me and missed me one evening, and their business involves "market analysis" and "data collection"?

Uh.

I am introverted, and I may be somewhat "asocial" ---- so it's no wonder I felt uncomfortable receiving this phonecall.....

but what if it was important?? OMG.  Accck.

I might have just shot myself in the foot (so to speak). I don't know.

I do wish I knew why it is so hard for me to make money --- did this man have answers???

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Well, I looked on the Google Play Store on Forge and saw that it does have KODI (XBMC), it has "Archos", it has Plex ---- the only thing it  doesn't have is netflix, and I hear there's a way to get that installed too.

I'm a little said that so many people reviewed the Forge so poorly on amazon, basically just because it doesn't have netflix.  That is a real poor reason for all those 1 star reviews. The machine runs mostly just fine, it works well enough ---- it's like Razer is just being builied by a posse of people who will harshly criticize the system for any failing.

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Kind of like how my life's true story was harshly criticized essentially because it was a true story. People just didn't like what happened -- even though it was true.

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Just wish I could sell product and make money. It feel sad that it's so hard for me to earn. it's like something is always going wrong.


And maybe that phonecall had answers. Or maybe not. Now, I might never know.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Trying Something New

Last night I watched a TED Talk where a psychologist said you should expect the things you want, and that way you are more likely to achieve them.

So I started expecting to get paid for my work. I expect it. I expect people will pay me honestly.

So far, it seems to have only partially worked::

I logged into my OUYA/Cortex Dev portal today and found that 16 games had been downloaded today ---- Usually my reports from Cortex dev portal are not so active and may even be a little sketchy ---

So good:: 16 games Downloaded.

10 of the games downloaded were PAY-UP-FRONT games ---- which should have totalled to $15 of sales for me.

So:: Some expectation came true --- maybe I should expect proper reporting as well.




I was previously told that Cortex or OUYA might give away some free copies of my games to the press ---- well, I see a lot more free games being given away than games I'm being paid for --- Is the press really that cheap????


Anyway ---- So however this works, I started expecting to be paid last night, and now today I see 16 game downloads which should have been worth at least $15 ----- Now I have to expect a proper royalty report too I guess.


So, something is going on, and again, I can think of possible reasons why it's so hard to get paid --- but maybe I'll just try this psychologist's trick of expecting payment and expecting proper reporting.

I expect it.