Thursday, August 17, 2017

Catholic School maybe?

My Mom just admitted something.

I was talking to my Mom about how misbehaved and screwed up the students and my experience at FFCA, The Foundations for the Future Charter Academy, was.

My Mom did not want to hear a full description of events and behaviors,

but she said, "In hindsight, I probably should have sent you to the Catholic school instead."

Well, Avril Lavigne is French, so she's probably Catholic, so that would seem better in hindsight yeah.

In my experience, I do see good things about the Catholics --- but I hear some rumors too about problems.

But in all seriousness, if Avril's Catholic, and with how she helped me, that does put them in a very good light in my eyes.

My Dad said that when he and my Mom decided to become Mormon, they chose Mormonism because it SEEMED good --- and that Catholicism was not in their interests at that time.

But years later, Catholics seem pretty decent,

and a way better option

than going to a school where the majority of kids have serious behavior disorders and the teachers almost don't care.

So: the big news is that my Mom said that in hindsight I should've gone to Catholic school. That would have changed EVERYTHING.

Also, in hindsight, I'm guessing because Mormonism didn't really work out for me. But Jesus is still cool.

Plenty of Opportunity

As you might imagine, as a poor young man I had some desire to grow to be rich.

All these years later, with my 10-some-odd projects that I've completed:: I give the world SO MUCH AMPLE opportunity to each give me some small bit of money.

Typically, I do all this work for nothing. Nobody has anything to offer me, even if I ask for just 99cents to 3 bucks or even pay-what-you-choose.

No one can let me have anything. I am reliant on disability, and I'm on disability because of all the abuse I previously took in life.

Maybe people just don't like me -- in some small way I might understand that --- but in another way, I didn't get to choose the origins of my life, and how my community decided to raise me was not my fault. I did my best with what I could.

But now the community just decides not to reward me for any work.

My freebies and free products or even illegal rip offs are taken in droves--- I mean, hundreds to thousands of people will take something from me for free.

But the small payments I ask for? Zip. Zilch.  Pretty close to nothing [reported].


Earlier this morning I was thinking about my life and I realized something::::

When I do a good job, or if I'm just a normal person:: I face either no reward, or I get hated or punished --- for doing good right or normal things.

But when I thought about those small circumstances in my life where I defected --- where I did things that people would typically consider wrong or very wrong ---- that seems to be when I get the most rewards in my life.

I usually try to be a good person and do the right thing, but looking back on my life, I just see more rewards for doing wrong, and more nothing or worse (punishment) for doing right.

That's just how I see my life, looking back.

It doesn't make any goddamn sense at all, but that is how I am remembering the events of my life. Not going into detail.


So either people just don't pay me, or if people have paid me, the money likely gets diverted out of my own hands.

From my perspective, it seems possible that my parents control what I earn, but who knows, maybe my parents are just a lot wealthier now than they were when I was a kid.  yeah, they probably are.

At this point in my life, this might even be the wealthiest I might ever be in my life ---- but yeah, I'm just not used to the kind of wealth my family currently experiences, I'm used to being a lot lower in the societal economic hierarchy.

Maybe it's just the socialist government Alberta currently has -- who knows.

It's too bad when your family status goes up under socialism ---- but who knows, you never know if that's actually a normal effect of such a government for most people.

But seriously::: I am not used to the kind of money I have now, and reportedly that doesn't even include payment for my own work.  Either I don't get paid, or it gets diverted -- that simple.

I get no rewards or even punished for good or normal behavior,

While when I defect, that seems to be when good things happen.

And nobody can pay 99cents to 3 bucks for any amount of any work, while if it's free, anyone within the sound of my voice is way more likely to take it.

Honesty just isn't a big thing in our society I guess.


Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Doesn't Blink About It

So, previously I had been thinking about how my Dad has two debit cards, and how it didn't fully make sense that he'd do all he does and my Mom doesn't get concerned about it. You'd think if he were spending her money like he does, that she'd be a bit more on his case about it.

When I had my birthday last month, this was the first year I didn't get a single birthday gift that I can remember.

No gifts.

Seeing my nephew with his party and friends and gifts at his birthday kind of depressed me about how all I got was a card and a cake.

Well, dental implant news::

My dentist's office closet-x-ray machine is too small to do a 3D scan of my head with my broad shoulders in the way, so they referred me to an x-ray specialist office, an office that exists exactly for the purpose I'm going to use it for.

Today, making my appointment at the X-Ray office, I learned I would have to pay $280 to their office on the day of the visit for their work.

My mom listened to that speaker-phone-call appointment booking, so when I told her that was an unexpected $280,

She basically just said she'd pay for it and it would be my birthday gift.

Again, like with my Dad's spending habits, she didn't blink an eye about it.

Obviously, I'm not poor like I was when I was a kid.  As a kid, finances were consistently in the dumps as far as I was aware.

I can understand how my family isn't really "rich", we aren't that or too wealthy, but somehow my mom could just pay that kind of money as a birthday gift for me and not blink an eye.

This is a completely new development in my life, things haven't quite been that way before.

SO:::: it's quite possible that my Dad's 2nd debit card is that he just shares a bank account with my Mom now --- that might be all it is.

And according to every report, I'm told, I don't get paid for my work.  I just wonder, speculate, and have hopeful and wishful thinking that people do pay me, but for some reason, my parents control the funds.

No one admits it, but I can dream can't I? :)

So yeah, I guess my Mom just isn't worried about money anymore.  That's the explanation.

We aren't really that rich, but we aren't poor like I was when I was young, so yippee. Completely new experience.

Expenses and Income?

This morning's news:

I just lost my 640gb external Firewire hard drive on my mac mini.

I booted up today, and my external drive is dead.

Losing my tooth, and losing my hard drive, I can almost feel cursed --- except I know there are legitimate explanations for how these things happened like I shouldn't have eaten that chocolate bar and that hard drive was getting old.

The good news::::

I had a 500gb external hard drive (USB) just sitting around that I could use instead. It'll have a lot less free space on it, but it will contain my data.

Other good news::: It can contain my data, because YES -- I had a backup. I have a backup. yay. Always back up your data. I'm so thankful for Time Machine.


I just booted my mac mini again. I left both the replacement USB and Firewire drives plugged in during this time.

Well, the Firewire drive works again!  It just magically boom, works. Broken yesterday, magically fixed today. Weird. Who knows. Wonderful.


The other news this morning is I accidentally checked Facebook this morning and I saw this in my news feed:

A story from just 15 hours ago says my The Book of Finch Facebook page is receiving quite a bit of attention.

Of course, I haven't "sold" a copy of that book FOR A LONG TIME --- I get like, no sales reports, nor do I get payments.

I, of course, would ask that people kindly pay me for my work, or donate to my bitcoin, is that too much to ask? In our debt laden society, perhaps it is.

Anyway ---- I've obviously made some waves ----- and either someone else gets my money or people just aren't paying it seems like.

Who knows --- this helps me suspect my Dad of receiving my payments -- though he never admits it.

But yeah --- please kindly pay me for my work. Even if it's just a small bitcoin donation, that would be gladly accepted. Or you can actually just buy the book.  But I stopped selling Kindle Ebooks --- I just wasn't seeing sales and that turned me off of ebooks.

I don't see Lulu sales either, but we'll see. Who knows.  Maybe people just like the freebie --- but really, I do ask that people pay me for something I did.  Letters to Whomever was NEVER free. Neither was The Eagle's Sore. It'd be nice to get paid.

Of course, people might view me negatively after reading my book --- but hey, I always tried to do what I thought was right, usually, and I can't help the fact that I was surrounded by all the crap in my environment at the beginning of my life.  That's just the way things go. I can't change my origins of birth or how people tried to control me --- that much wasn't my own fault.

But yeah, getting paid for my work would be nice. Thanks.

Monday, August 14, 2017

It's all in my head he said

I must be out of my mind.

I must be having one of those ultra-reality-altering-hallucinatory experiences again.

Last night my Dad told me I was crazy.

Today my Dad told me it's all in my head.

He told me to not make false assumptions.

SO: I am hallucinating this email my sister sent me that says she's gone from deep in debt to having a good level of savings without employment or unspecified low-paying employment that she never told me about until now and this is not making sense?

I'm pretty sure I didn't hallucinate my Dad's two debit cards, at two different banks, which he visits both of them and not with the company of my mom.  And he says he's not rich.

Yes - I must be out of my mind.

Something just doesn't make sense about how I see things.

It's like I hallucinate extremely elaborate big hallucinations or something.

He's not rich he says.

But he has debit cards at two different banks, and he visits both banks.

My sister just told me she now has "a good level of savings" ---- although just months ago she couldn't figure how to climb out of debt.

In fact, there was a time when only my mom could afford one leap pad for all her grandchildren --- but now the good sister has one leap pad for each of her slightly older children, while paying off her debt and getting some good level of savings --- all in a matter of some months while currently being unemployed.

Yup. I must've lost my mind.

When my Dad says "it's in my head" ---- Is he referring to the answer about this situation, like I'm a mentalist and I should know telepathically?

I suppose I do have a recurring number appearing in my mind.  If this number is true, it should be easy enough to buy me some new equipment.  I guess we're just not doing that right now or something.

Maybe I'm just getting the "$10 limit" like my nephew did at the toy store.

I've lost my mind. I can't seriously understand what's happened. My Dad denies everything I think it might be --- tells me I'm crazy, it's all in my head.

Is that the power of the secret?  I would think thoughts about amassing great wealth, and now I just hallucinate a world where we've become wealthy???

Huh. Right. Who knows. Whatever.

I'm still wondering

Last night I sent an email to my sister.  I sent the same email to my Dad.

It was that email that got my Dad annoyed.

I basically had questions about how much money I made.  My magic 8 ball clearly told me multiple times that Dad did get my OUYA/Razer money --- but typically my Dad will deny this.

My sister did respond to my email.

Something about her response is also triggering questions in my mind.

You see, just a few months ago, my Dad told me not to talk to my sisters about my investments because it made them depressed.  Why did it make them depressed?  Because my good sister was deep in debt just like the rest of Canadians.  My good sister, the one who turned out right, was probably the poorest person in our family at that time.

But in her email last night, she said she has little debt and a good level of savings.

She said she(/"we"?) doesn't have the highest paying job around, but she feels wealthy too.

Now I'm really confused.

You see, she doesn't have a job.  Her husband HAD a job, but not anymore. They are both unemployed last time I checked.

While he was working, he apparently didn't tackle the debt very well.  They were just barely making it.

Maybe there's some secret about their finances that I don't understand or don't need to understand.

But she's not keeping it totally secret either --- she just told me some things.

But I'm still confused.

So, to summarize my confusion:::

Last time I checked, my good sister was in deep debt, and she and her husband were unemployed.

As of last night's email, she has little debt and a good level of savings, doesn't have the highest paying job, but still feels wealthy ----

thing is, I didn't think they worked at all at this point.  How did they come to a point of feeling wealthy with no employment income????

Not a high paying job, no job at all as far as I knew, yet still feeling wealthy. No clues what their job actually is though.

The information I'm seeing just doesn't make sense.  And it doesn't help when my Dad is keeping secrets and denies the possibility that OUYA or Razer paid him my money - which they were supposed to according to the arrangement.

He said I'm crazy.  He's kind of right at this point.

I am confused out of my mind.


I just remembered my Mom's story about her recent visit to my good sister's place in a different town.

My Mom said my good sister's son was kind of accustomed to getting really cool toys. Like, the good toys. You know what I mean.

When my Mom was with my sister, they went to the toy store for the baby.

They gave the son a $10 limit on a toy for him.

He had a meltdown.  He's obviously kind of spoiled -- so used to getting cool toys, but now having a big purchase limit.

yes, he's kind of spoiled at that point.  Maybe that has some explanation or description maybe of how my sister paid off her debt and has savings. I don't know.  It just illustrates a bit here.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

I deleted my last post

I just deleted my last post on this blog.

It was apparently a slightly more popular post that normal, considering how interesting it was,

but I may have made some false assumptions in it.

Basically::::::: I had suspicions that my Dad is richer than he should be,

And since he was supposed to receive my OUYA payments, I wondered if he did get my OUYA payments.

But he vehemently denies it.

He was so agitated that I thought he got my payments (though he did SAY he got my payments) that he thought I needed an Ativan.

I was calm, he was agitated, and he said I needed the Ativan.

I'm still a little confused, things I've seen going on don't totally make sense, but hey, my Dad was very unhappy to hear that I had my suspicions.

Anyway, apparently, I am the crazy one.

I am delusional. I suspected too much.

But one thing didn't add up about his recent burst into my bedroom:::

HE was agitated, and he said I (me) needed the Ativan.

I am perfectly calm, he's the one with the agitation, he should take the Ativan.

Somehow, he projected his own emotional state on me and said I needed the drug that he should take.

Yeah, it's confusing.  Apparently, I was just delusional and crazy somehow.

But yeah, the internet just tells me that everyone is in too much debt to pay a small price for any of my work ---- that with all the unlimited amounts of currency in a central banking system that practically none of it could make its way into my wallet.

To me, it almost seems unreasonable that people just couldn't or wouldn't spend a buck on me.

I would have thought people could have paid me some small amount.

And though my Dad was lined up to receive some of my payments, and though there are some big clues that I've seen,

Apparently, I was just crazy to think that he actually received any money from my work, even though I was lined up to borrow the use of his bank account for receiving wire transfers.

He wasn't very happy.

He said I'm crazy.

Things just don't make sense about that.

I'm probably just the richest I have ever been in my life, and it's unusual to me.  But apparently, it's still not THAT rich.