Friday, June 23, 2017

It's kind of good or was supposed to be

I was sitting around this morning, thinking about my family, life, and growing up in the Mormon church.

I realized something.  The Mormon church actually has some pretty good things about it. It tries to do something good.

The unfortunate thing, in my experience - it all went wrong.

I was actually a PRETTY GOOD Mormon. I really tried hard to be a good Mormon. And there were good things about that.

The problem was that many Mormons, including in my own family - just didn't do what they were supposed to, so it all fell apart.

Here's where part of the thought process comes from:::: From what I understand of the Mormon temple covenants, the temple covenants are really nothing new.  You get taught all or most of those covenants even before you go to the temple.

In fact, to me it appears like this:::

You get baptized. You get taught the rules, and you have covenanted to follow them.

You go to church every Sunday, you take of the sacrament to renew your covenants.

You go to the temple. This is where you REALLY renew your covenants, essentially. Or something.

Really, the temple covenants are no surprise and nothing new when you grow up in Mormonism.

You were taught to follow these rules right from the beginning.

I think part of the problem lies, like in my personal experience, where I was the only kid who paid attention in Sunday school. I remember Sunday school well ---- everyone didn't care, I really was basically the only kid who paid attention to the teacher.

Everyone else went to the temple, a lot served missions, but I personally did neither.

I was actually really gung-ho for the church, but there was something wrong, the concept of which can just be embodied by the concept that most students in Sunday school just didn't listen to anything.

So, there are good things in Mormonism.  It just really stopped working for me when people weren't following the rules, and when the rules suddenly changed and became the opposite of what they were supposed to be without warning.

There are many examples of people, not following rules, so I won't go into detail ----

but an example of the rules or teachings changing is like this:::: Since primary as a kid, and to my patriarchal blessing, the church ALWAYS taught the "still small voice" of the Holy Ghost, even as a disembodied actual voice.

By the time I grew up, the teaching changed to how there is no voice from God and you have to take your meds if you hear it.

Clearly, there was something wrong.

There was so much good in the church, but it was basically "bait and switch" --- where they teach you one thing growing up all the time, and then when you get older it suddenly becomes different -- which made no sense to me.  It may also be considered a form of psychological abuse called "gaslighting".

But it's interesting to note how the temple covenants are really nothing new since the day you were baptized, and somehow the people whose baptismal covenants "didn't stick" went to the temple, while I, who took my baptismal covenant seriously, never went to the temple.

I got so annoyed with Mormonism over time, but I do realize there were supposed to be some good things about it.  People just didn't do what they were supposed to.

And maybe some of the rules in the church were kind of arbitrary or only partially great, maybe they were kind of just like guidelines for young people ---- I mean, the rules had some good use about them, even if they weren't totally necessary. There was some good to the rules, even if they were not absolutely necessary rules (it really depends on your perspective on what rules should be --- the rules might be questionable, but I do realize that they did some good, even if I myself don't follow them anymore).

I guess a major point of this post is just to note that the church teaches you to be accountable and follow the rules at age 8 ----- but somehow so many young people don't seem to get the message by age 18, and they have to retry to reteach the same concepts over again.


Perhaps I'm just feeling like trying to seem positive about LDS Mormonism because my Mom went to the LDS Temple this morning, so maybe there's a spiritual force or force of mind control acting on me trying to make me benevolent towards the church.

So, yes, there were some good things about the church. A lot of people just didn't do what they were supposed to, however.

But when you get past the surface of the church's skin, there does eventually come up issues that don't really make a lot of sense ---- so in that way there are problems.

By the time I was 17 years old in the church, the teaching "DO WHAT YOUR LEADERS TELL YOU - EVEN IF YOU DON't AGREE/EVEN IF YOU THINK IT'S WRONG" was highly prevalent in my ward or stake ---- basically, someone was getting everyone in line to just follow orders.

My orders were this::: "Forgive them, but don't talk to them. Follow the council of your psychiatric doctors" ---- The doctors basically told me the church wasn't actually true.

So, I was told to forgive without the communications --- those in themselves are self-contradictory instructions.

But all my life I was being brainwashed with how true the church is, and the orders are to follow the leaders, and the leader's orders are to follow the doctors, and the doctor's orders are to disbelieve in the Church.

Something wasn't making sense.

So, things stopped working for me in that church ---- it just fell apart.  But somehow some of my family members do not seem to realize how messed up things got, so they continue with the church, and it's beyond me how they figured out to do that. Obviously, there is something wrong with my family's heads - which I have actually known and realized since I was very young.

yeah, life can be pretty painful sometimes. Luckily, I'm doing OK these days, beyond losing my money to dental expenses.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

I actually got a real email!!!

holy crap --- I actually got a REAL email.

It comes from someone at the University of Toronto.

They're advertising a job opening.

Something about handling delinquent accounts.

1) I can't handle the people who don't pay me - am I the best for the job at this point?

2) Maybe I could gain experience in dealing with people who don't pay.

If it's in Ontario, then I'd have to move and lose my Alberta benefits ---- probably not the best move.

Actually ---- I will note that it did cross my mind that maybe if my email is censored, that it's censored because if people email me, why should I want to talk to them if they don't pay me a small amount for my work?  And, well, most people just don't pay - so maybe whoever might be censoring me is just protecting me, perhaps.

But yeah, just interesting to get an ACTUAL email.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

I have few to no friends

I write a lot. I have a lot of things to say, and I have been this way for years.

Thank you, people, who visit this blog, because if you didn't visit this blog I would have one less place to talk to people.

I basically have two main groups of people in my life I can talk to more or less regularly:::

My family, and workers at the psychiatric clinic.

I suppose I could visit with other mentally ill people, but for reasons I won't list here, I don't.

There were old friends from school and church, some of whom I have friended with on Facebook --- but my school friends abandoned me, and I don't want to be involved with that church anymore.

Sometimes I have some communications with Avril Lavigne, and that's real nice, but she could easily just fit in with the psychiatric community designation.

I know on OUYA and now with my bitcoin store, I accept emails at my one email address.

No one ever really says much of value there. I kind of wonder if Apple blocks messages from the public because I get messages that look like this a lot:

I get lots of messages like that -- they don't really say anything, and I rarely click on the link - but when I do it's like, always leading to the same weight loss article online.

I get all these messages that don't say anything essentially, making me wonder if there's censorship.

So yeah, I have lots to say, but no one to say it to, so thanks for visiting my blog.

In some ways, being introverted, it's good for me to be lonely. But, to be honest, I basically don't have friends.


I did some work on that book I was working on a year ago again. I had some hope of maybe publishing it and selling it in my bitcoin store. I know, fat chance of that working out.

I try.

Now I should post this before my laptop crashes.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

An Update on Stuff

You know that poem I published a few days ago

BAH --- Stupid Crashing Laptop. I just had to restart my computer because somehow writing on blogger likes to crash this machine. Oh, darn it.

Anyway, that poem I wrote a few days ago: two things:

1) I looked up the word "debauchery" in a couple dictionaries. The word does not quite mean what I thought it meant. But it was still an OK word to use in that context anyway.

2) I said "I'm blinder now" in the poem. Truth was, a day or two before I wrote that poem I was accidentally shot in the eye with a nerf dart, leaving me partially blind in peripheral vision in low-light conditions. Good news::: I think I'm getting my sight back.

Whether my sight is returning because of natural law, or whether it's because of Jesus, or a friend praying for me, or a small chant I used to invoke a self-healing process, whatever it was, I think my sight is coming back, it's improving. Yay.

As for my bitcoin store::: well, if advertising on Amazon, or trying to sell books elsewhere or video games is any indication, I can't really expect people to buy.

The thing was though, for a long time I could put something up for sale on EBAY and it would most likely sell within days.  Somehow, now, people just won't buy things from me. My store has only been up for a day so we can give it some time.

All the reports I hear are that people just don't have the cash.

It's weird when I was young my family was quite poor, and I always saw everyone else as almost always being richer than me Now that I'm older, somehow I'm the rich one and most other people aren't so rich. Strange how that is.

But yeah, I was talking to a family member a day ago, and though he works at a real job and is really honorable, somehow I'm able to afford a dental implant, while he wouldn't have been able to.

So, who knows if I'll every sell anything in my bitcoin store. People are apparently just very poor, which means the tables have turned since my childhood.

Of course, unfortunately, when most people are poor, that means I'm unable to sell anything. Unfortunate.

So, I should post this entry before my laptop crashes again.  It's so annoying how unstable the software is on this hardware. Sometimes it runs for a long time without problem --- but often it will invariably eventually crash. So annoying.

My New Bitcoin Store

In the right-hand column on this website, there is now a BITCOIN STORE that you can buy some things from me with. Everything is in bitcoin. So far, I only offer some books I have on hand and special misprints and all, but it's all purchasable.

You just have to follow the instructions on the page to buy the items from me.

Remember: It's all in bitcoin, no real cash. Fun!

DO NOT pay me at the Donations address. I will email the payment address after you initially contact me.

Thank you.

I just added LTW First Edition Hardcover and TBoF Second Edition Hardcover to my store. Only one of each, however.

Just added an old XBOX 360 HD-DVD Player and a few HD-DVDs to my Bitcoin Store.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

First Poem I've Written in Years

When I Was Young
by Kris Attfield
June 17th, 2017

When I was young
I wasn't dumb
I was good in schools
And I obeyed the rules

My future looked so bright
But something wasn't right
Mistreatment abuse and debauchery
really took a toll on me

So on a day of disaster long ago
I fell apart - my mind was blown
So many people wanted to help
But some people wanted me in hell

I've grown up now,
I'm fatter now,
I'm missing teeth now,
I'm blinder now,
I'm worn out now

My psychic power is limited
my creativity is limited
I try and try and try and try
But I am immobilized

By the fact that I do not drive
I can't go places, I have to arrange rides
And I tried to work to grow in life
But I'm disabled and the knife
cuts a tiny piece of GDP pie for me
not enough to spend on lessons see?

So I try to be good
But the world is bad
And I become rude
And everyone's sad

I wish I could work and learn and grow
But old and worn out and with payment unknown
Is the way that I have become
When Jesus comes back, I hope I'll be young.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Dressed like it's the 30s.

It's 11:31pm so I have 29 minutes to write this post before the next day.

Today I was at the zoo--- and I was shopping at Superstore and Costco --------- that's how I got all that exercise I mentioned in my last post.

But something was weird. At the zoo I saw these dark-skinned individuals hanging around who were dressed up like they came from a past era --- the 30s I'm guessing it was.

The clothes were stylish suits, with a stylish hat, and maybe as you might imagine a jazz musician of the time to appear.

They were at the zoo. And I remember seeing them at Costco too --- as if they had followed our family.

Was today some special 'dress up like it's the 30s' day for a black community in Calgary?

Because I'm starting to wonder if I was actually seeing ghosts.

At Costco, I was in the restaurant area beyond the cashiers, as I waited for my Mom to check out. Right next to me a guy from the 30s showed up, and he walked from the "buy everything beyond this point" part to the "pick up the things you are going to buy" area --- he was walking through the store backward.

Just a little interesting and strange.  Why are the at the zoo and Costco? Why did the one at Costco not have anything to buy, yet he was past the cashiers, yet walked back into the store area? Strange behavior, strange clothing --- unusual in our day and age.

I'm basically just wondering what I was seeing.

Was I seeing ghosts? Were ghosts following me around today?

I mean, how do you explain these people at the zoo and at the store I just happened to be shopping at?

Just very strange.

They looked vivid and realistic as if they were just normal people. The clothing was from a different time, however.

I will also note another "differently" dressed people I saw at the zoo:::: I thought they were Amish of some sort, except they spoke plain English - not German or anything like that.

Basically, a bunch of white people from a long time ago who you would think are like the Hutterites or Mennonites of today, the Amish. But they spoke English.

Not sure. Ghosts again maybe? Really not sure.

So::: what should I do about that?

I should note:::: My sister's daughter is getting baptized into the LDS Mormon church soon. I wonder.

Just wondering if they were actually ghosts/spirits.  I should mention that the term "ghost" or "spirit" is pretty much synonymous, basically, the same thing, or at least, as a Mormon would understand they are basically the same thing.