Sunday, March 29, 2020

What I'm Thinking

So, I've had a good long while to live my life in my house as though I were a character from The Sims.


I've had a lot of time to think.


Often, I think about the past.


I try to think about future plans::::


but in the end, I often start doing something my brother and I call "grinding about the church".


The simple fact is:::: the church is still a big enough part of my life in my home that I can't keep it out of sight and out of mind ------ I am often reminded of it in one form or another.


But I can't talk about it.


I know, the law of Alberta says we have Freedom of Speech ------ but for years and years now I've learned there are things I'm just not allowed to talk about in my own home.


I think the church had some good ideas.


When first joining the church, I wouldn't have joined unless some of the ideas sounded really good.


SO::: on the surface, the church taught some really good things.


The only problem is, not everyone in the church actually follows all those good teachings ---- and there's no way to enforce the good teachings either.



Be perfect, and forgive everyone.


It seems simple enough, and seems like a good idea ----- but it gets complicated and really hard to live by, especially when some people aren't even trying to be good.



Here's my own personal new version of those two commandments.


The original, basic version of the church is "Be perfect and forgive everything".


My new own personal version is "Be perfect as long as it makes sense, and forgive often but you may use your discretion to rebuke someone or lay down the law".


"Be perfect and forgive everything" sounds good --- but it's really an over-simplification.



Some rules or laws don't make any sense.



So be perfect as long as it makes sense.



Forgiveness is very good ---- but some things are so wrong that they should be dealt with.



So forgive often, but use your discretion to rebuke or lay down the law.



All my life in the church ------ I was ALWAYS told to forgive. Everything.



But what I found is there are times when it makes sense to use your brain, to use thoughtful judgement and then NOT forgive things.


You can still be merciful ----- but absolutely 100% forgiving everything all the time isn't always the best idea.





Part of my problem is that I can't communicate my thoughts to my parents.


I'm basically not allowed to talk about things, even in my own home.



A Psych2Go video explained what a toxic family home is like:::: and over the years a few of the signs of a toxic home have shown up in my life---------


1) Huge negativity.

2) High expectations.

3) My parents don't really listen to me.

Psych2Go made a Youtube video that was something like 5 or 6 signs your family is toxic ---- and I think I've got at least 3 of them in my own life.



But yeah, I see a psychiatrist. I often find the only people I can talk to about things are the psychiatric clinic.


So:::: the bishop had a good idea. I didn't understand at all at the time------ but the psychiatry was actually a really good idea.



I have someone to talk to.



And yes, it's a sign of toxicity when my own parents don't listen to me. If I remember the video correctly.



But yeah ----- to be honest ------- on the few occasions I've been brave enough to try to discuss the topic of Forgiveness with my Mother --------- it's never ended well.



I mean, the church says "forgive all men", that you are "REQUIRED to forgive all men" ----- forgiveness is something the church always says your always supposed to do ---------


and yet when I talk to my Mom about the topic (she's a devout temple attendee) ------ somehow the topic always seems to upset her and we can never discuss it.


Like everything else i say ---- it's discussion OVER right away.



Just my thoughts.



The church had some good ideas ------ but those ideas needed serious refinement ----- and people should actually try to actually follow their religion to see if it actually works out. You can't actually know it's true unless you've actually followed the instructions and got the right results.


Psychiatry had good ideas too ----- They've been a huge help.



Both the church and psychiatry were both wrong in their own ways ---- but they also turned out to be so good.



So, be perfect as long as it makes sense ------ neither the church nor psychiatry have a monopoly on morality.


These are just my thoughts right now.


Just having time to think.



But yeah ---- I need to get out of this house --- so it would be good if people could actually pay me for my work.



Out of 5 or 6 signs that your family is toxic, my family met at least 3 of the criteria ----- so I need to get paid to find my mind own place to live. Thanks, everyone.



(the AiSH Disability Benefit is enough to live with your parents ---- but moving out on your own is extremely difficult).

Saturday, March 21, 2020

It Seemed Illegitimate

A couple days ago our home phone received a call the call display sad was "US MEGA MILLION".

There was an appliance at the time of the answering machine message, so I just got some vague idea that we supposedly won something.

But here's the problem:::::

We are Canadian.

We are in Canada.

We don't play USA Lotteries. I haven't visited the US for a very long time.

And even if the prize was real::: the borders are closing down anyway.




Such a phone call can really play with your hopes and dreams.


But to my parents, who already deleted the answering machine message before I could get a better listen, it doesn't seem legitimate. It seems like a scam. It just doesn't make sense.


To me, in my delusional mind, I'm wondering if my PayDay is finally here ---- if I've finally struck gold karmically with all the work I've done.


Money isn't everything, especially when you already have enough to live well.


Our family is living a good life right now - we have everything we need, and we're pretty comfortable.


If I acquired a sum of money big enough, that would allow me to buy my own home, Start my own family, and broaden my horizons.


If anything I could further my business with more money ---- I might find something more to work on.


But, money isn't everything, and I realize my family is doing well enough with what we already have.


And yeah, it just plays with my hopes and dreams to finally acquire a big prize.


But our Canadian home winning a USA lottery doesn't seem realistic --- not really ----- message already deleted.



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As a side note, I'm going to explain a little about my view of Canadian Politics::::


My Dad is very staunchly conservative. But I think he should lighten up.


In my personal view, all major Canadian Political Parties have good ideas, and have contributed good things to our Country.


Conservatives implemented Tax-Free Savings Accounts and made Bullying Illegal.

The New Democratic Party thought up Universal Health Care and $15 minimum wage.

Though debatable, the Liberals enforced gun control laws which may have saved my life, as well as implemented anti-misgendering laws, which on the whole I think are a good idea, more or less.



There. I was able to come up with TWO THINGS from each major party which I see as good ideas and good contributions to Canadian society.


I think all the major parties have had good ideas ------- so though I was very politically minded since I was very young, maybe it is just better for me to fade off into a vague sense of political neutrality ---- basically because I see all the parties having good things to bring to the table.


Although, I personally believe "everyone is free" right now ---- which would vaguely indicate Liberalism. Not Libertarianism either, but Liberalism, the one that helps poor people.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

Prescription Renewed

Yesterday I posted a bit of speculation I had that the psychiatric clinic was going to let me off my psychiatric med, especially because I had no current prescription at that time and for a sustained period there was no prescription.


Word came in today, which is the next day, that I do have a prescription for the same stuff now finally.


so::: no luck, I'm still on the med.


At least I can chat with the doctor ----- it's nice to have someone to talk to.



And also::: there are newly found reasons why the psychiatric med might be a good thing::::


Essentially, if people are trying to make me happy (with the meds) ---- that must mean I'm a good person. Yeah.


That stems from The Book of Mormon teaching that wickedness never was happiness.


So if I'm happy, I must, therefore, be a righteous man.


But it was weird how people wanted to make me happy but at the same time, the Bishop wouldn't allow me to become an elder. Yeah, weird ----- things not totally making sense, or things not totally making sense in everyone's minds.


If I'm a bad person, then why try to make me happy?


And if I'm a good person, then why prevent me from becoming an elder?


Something to think about.

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Saved My Life

Ever since October or November of last year, we were putting into place a plan to medicate me with an immunosuppressive treatment to treat my multiple sclerosis.

Today I had an over-the-phone appointment with my MS doctor.

Plans have changed.

My MS is so mild and with the way things are, it is unnecessary and even unwise for me to take the originally planned treatment.

I am now going to take a different treatment ---- and to be honest, this other treatment I've taken before when I was younger as an anti-acne medication.

I think I'll be OK.


I may probably now publish my "Perceptions of Prescription Medication" song on LBRY some time I'm guessing. Maybe.


In other personal medical news::::::

[I've deleted this information, see my next blog post for details]

Monday, March 16, 2020

Kind Words

I just wrote an email to my psychiatric clinic telling them I'm more sheltered as an adult than I was as a kid.


And I've noticed the kindness I've received online is actually quite uplifting to me. Thanks.


When I was a kid ----- most of the comments I heard were full of negativity ----- and I didn't like it.


In recent days I've received some positive commentary and I have to say --- that is really quite nice to hear kind things coming my direction. It makes me actually enjoy living.



I've realized that the potential immunosuppressive therapy I might end up taking is actually an opportunity to kill myself.


When I was younger, I probably would've welcomed the opportunity.


These days, life has become more bearable, even pleasant, and I'm mostly recovered from my childhood now.


I'm not suicidal anymore, even with life's current problems,


but I'm now looking at the Immunosuppressive MS therapy as an opportunity to potentially kill myself ----- and I realize I would have accepted that years ago.


Would dying be a good thing? In my mind, there is some possibility it might actually be a good thing,


but I'm enjoying life more now so I don't see why I would want to totally do that.



But yeah ----- one of those things that makes life pleasant is the positive commentary, the commentary that's not riddled with undeserved criticism.


And that has helped me enjoy life more.



Yeah::
note:


My childhood was full of negative comments, and both I and my brother ended up wanting to kill ourselves.


But positive comments are actually pleasant to receive. Yeah. I can relate to my younger self, but that's not my situation anymore. Huh.

A Comment on this Blog

I received a thoughtful comment that praised me for the good work I do on my blog.

There were several links in the comment.

They linked to Youtube videos that weren't really related to my content and seemed questionable as such.


So, thank you for your compliment, but the linked content wasn't relevant, so I deleted the post.




In today's news for me:::


I talked to my Mom today about how if people believed in God and Miracles more, then we'd see more miracles happen, and then all this worry about the pandemic wouldn't even exist.


I wrote an email to a clinic today explaining the miraculous nature of reality as I've found it, and how a certain medical treatment seems unnecessary.


If God can take care of me and heal me ----- why would expensive medical treatments be necessary?


Of course, my Mom, who is a devout Church attendee, responded with something about how God has inspired people to make all these medications at that we are expected to use them for the purposes God inspired.


To me, that doesn't add up ------ people make medications to make money.


Medications can be dangerous.



And if God can heal all, medications shouldn't be necessary.



If a person is healed miraculously of their cancer, why would they then proceed with chemotherapy anyways? I mean --- come on, accept the healing, give up on the treatment.


There might be a point where God has miraculously healed you, and you should realize that medical treatment is unnecessary.



Yeah.



If more people accepted God and Miracles, maybe more Miracles would happen ----- and if Jesus came back to earth, the whole world would be changed.



Saying you need miraculous healing and medical treatment at the same time doesn't make sense to me.


I mean, you can take the treatment until healing occurs,


but if you are miraculously healed of your cancer, you shouldn't have to keep going with chemotherapy.



How this relates to me is this::::::


I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.



But to be honest, my MS is so mild that treatment doesn't seem completely necessary.


I've gone for a good long time now without treatment and only had two or three days where I needed to walk with a cane.




When I became blind in my left eye, I repented to God and asked for healing.


I stayed blind until I saw the opthalmologist for the problem.


It was only the day that I visited the opthalmologist that my eyesight was made whole again.


It's because of that eyesight problem that I'm even in the MS clinic.


But to me, the simple fact that I was blind up to the very last second before I met the opthalmologist indicates to me that God is in complete control,


and as my MS is so mild, immunosuppressive therapy seems like a really bad idea.

Saturday, March 7, 2020

I realized something astounding

This morning I was looking at my prepaid card in my online banking when I realized that if I tweaked my budget, I WOULD be able to pay the interest on that huge card the bank offered me.

But the interest is so big that the amount of principal I'd be paying would be small enough I might end up being in debt for the rest of my life unless someone actually paid me for my games and books and music.

SO::: I COULD afford that debt ----- but I'd be in debt for a very long time, with my only chance of getting out being people actually paying me for my work -- which hasn't been a huge thing yet.

And maybe the government takes my excesses from me. Just a guess though.

That kind of debt or even temptation to get into debt isn't worth it, especially when::::


I was thinking about what exactly it is I would want to buy.


I realize I am well taken care of, I have everything I need to live.


I might want to buy a guitar, but I already have guitars so there's little point.


A new laptop might be nice, but I already have a laptop, which I barely use right now ---- so there's no point.


I have everything I need to live my life.


The only things I don't have are a house and my own family. There's only some chance that'd ever happen, but I don't think that credit card would get me there.


I don't have my own vehicle ----- but with the income I do have, it is conceivable that I might be able to buy one someday. If I want to spend that kind of money.


So::::

1) I would actually be able to afford that huge card the bank offered, but I'd be living with that debt forever until people actually paid me for the work I do. I haven't been paid much so far.

2) I'm well enough taken care of I can't think of anything I really need to buy. I think all my needs are accounted for ----- and if I save my money, then I can get some extra.


Yeah. Just an update.