Monday, July 13, 2020

Learning to not mention it

SO::::: Miracles are something I'm interested in.


I've had my tastes of miracles.


One miracle I enjoy is healing my right eye.


My right eye is or was a little short-sighted


Viewing things at long distance is or was blurry --- it was unclear.


Throughout the years, I have had experiences where my right eye would be healed. I would be able to see clearly with my right eye.



The problem is this:::: when my right eye is healed ---- I have a tendency to talk about it.


And for who knows what reason, shortly after I talk about it, the healing dissipates, meaning my eye is no longer as good as it once was.



I recently wrote into a Youtube Spiritual TV Programme again to tell them they seemed to have healed my right eye during the program. ---- on that day my right eye was actually seeing better than my good left eye.



I guess there really might be some kind of problem about me talking about these things because it's not very long after and I'm again observing my right eye isn't as healed as it was just a little while earlier.



It seems that simply by talking about the healing that the healing dissipates and wears off.



This has happened over and over and over again.



My right eye has been fixed on numerous occasions, but for some reason, after I talk about it some essence of the problem always seems to return.



Is it a magical reason? Or scientific? Or somehow both?


Dunno.


I know my right eye can be healed.


But I am observing that it degrades again after I talk about the healing. Yeah. Huh.



But ---- the good news is this::::


Just moments after writing the message to this TV show on Youtube about the healing,


I heard a thought in my head say something about a "restraining order". Yeah - telepathy again.


I thought maybe my reputation preceded me and for some reason, I might not be wanted around.


But I woke up this morning, checked my notifications and found that this Youtube TV Show's most recent episode is about Restraining Orders in the Courts of God.


The show is Sid Roth's It's Supernatural!.


yeah.


I was healed again by the show, I mention it to the show, I get telepathic thoughts talking about restraining orders, the healing degrades a bit, and now their new most recent episode is about Heavenly Restraining orders.



yeah ---- there's some real Holy Spirit stuff going on there ------ I knew the topic of the next episode without the episode being released.



That's something in their favour.



But, as always, the right eye healing miracle never seems to totally 100% last.



Next time I get healed, I'll have to make sure I Just don't talk about it. Then maybe it'll stick around and keep me visual better and longer.

Tuesday, July 7, 2020

Goings on and thoughts

Last night I managed to install the latest LTS of Unity on my Catalina Mac ----- so the very initial beginning of me being able to work on another project has begun.

The project isn't as clear in my mind right now as it was a while ago ---- but maybe I can revive it.



This morning I was thinking about my personal supposed agreement with God and how confusing things got.



Like, ever since I was a teenager, I felt I had made an agreement with God whereas I would serve God for the rest of my life in exchange for my exaltation.



But things on that matter seem to have been at least a little confused.



1) "Celestial Exaltation" is a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints Concept ----- so who knows if it is real. Cross out the celestial part and you are left with just exaltation ----- which is a concept which exists in Christianity too, but happens when you humble yourself ---- who knows if serving God is involved (it might be).


2) The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the church that raised me, taught me "Choose you this day whom ye will serve .... ye cannot serve God and Mammon" ----- Though "you cannot serve God and Mammon" also appears in the Bible ------ the church's interpretation of that statement was DIFFERENT from how normal people interpret that statement. Normal people interpret it to mean "You cannot serve both God and Money" whereas if I remember correctly the church I was raised in taught that it meant "You cannot serve both God and the Devil".


3) So it's kind of weird when I knew someone at church, who was a home teacher of our family's, who read my book, and supposedly knew of my agreement with God ----- and then offered me a job paying $2000 a month. You know what's weird about this? Either he didn't know, and I didn't know or we both didn't know the actual interpretation of "You cannot serve God and Mammon". We came from the same church ------ and we both knew of my agreement, and yet for a week I worked for him, working for money, which supposedly screws my agreement. I quit my job with him when I realized that working for him was a really, really bad idea -------- but there you go:::: we both knew of my agreement with God, but I was clueless about what "Serving God" actually meant while he was either clueless as well or he was deliberately sabotaging me ------ and it's not unbelievable that he would be deliberately sabotaging me.



So Yeah -------- the whole concept of working for exaltation comes from the church in the first place ------ but it's weird when the church doesn't tell you the actual meaning of the God and Mammon statement and then tries to make you work for money even though you shouldn't.


Messed up.



I worked for him for only a week ----- that whole time I was clueless that working for money would be against my morals ------ but I did quickly realize, during that week, that doing the job he offered me was a really bad idea. Yeah.



A person from Church offers me a job that is against my morals? Yup ---- it's a trap ----- but it's weird how he may also not have realized at the time that what he was doing was pretty much wrong.


He may not have realized it. It may have been an innocent mistake on both our parts.


The church's education on that scripture just wasn't like everyone else's understanding.




And finally, I will say that I'm thankful to Youtube for teaching me about the economy and economic systems.


When I was in High School I think I suffered from some misunderstandings about economic systems and their definitions.


I don't know if it was just being wrongly taught or if it was my mental illness ------ but I'm so happy now that I have a better understanding of things. Yay.



It's unfortunate, but I think my Dad may be missing the education I now have. My Dad might be a big reason why my High School education was so off for all I know. I was told I was delusional ---- maybe some of the things I wrongly understood came from my Dad ------ but I already know that trying to explain things to him will be difficult, as it always is.



I recently sent my Dad a text asking him if he actually had a goal of getting to the Celestial Kingdom while he was going to church.


He refused to answer the question.



Either he was raising me in Church without the actual goal in his thoughts and actions ---- which is kind of messed up ---------


Or he didn't understand the church's own teaching that certain things just aren't allowed in heaven (such as namecalling from my sister).


To my Dad, my sister's namecalling in my childhood was just normal to him.


But according to Jesus in the Bible, all that namecalling was a very, very bad thing to do.


So it's just weird if his goal was heaven that he wasn't teaching her to behave that way.


Which means he may have been raising me in the church without caring about the actual goal.


Which is kind of messed up.


And those are my thoughts for now.

Friday, July 3, 2020

Amazon's Checkout Problem

So, I just thought I'd point out on my blog that since this morning I have been unable to add things to my Amazon.ca shopping cart on all my devices.

I asked a family member to try on their device and it didn't work for them either.

I looked up some research on the issue online and found that there was another person today very recently who is also experiencing the same problem.

There's not much I can do about it, except create awareness for the problem on my blog.


Amazon's Shopping Cart isn't adding items for multiple people today it appears. That's the issue. No shopping.



I saw the item I was shopping for was put on for a flash sale ---- but I still was unable to purchase it.



So, forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us ---- no hard feelings, but it might be causing me to feel a little anxious - as my paranoid mind wonders if I really am being wrong or too crazy today or recently.

I recently posted how I suspected I may have been hallucinating yesterday. Maybe I'm just confused, I don't know.

My Dad thought I was OK though. But what I experienced was strange enough to explain on this blog.

So::: I'm just having my little psychological issues, and the fact that Amazon is not working is playing with my mind. But I'll forgive it.


My mind is now thinking about what life would be like if there was no amazon. It's a survivable thought, but I realize things would be far less convenient without Amazon.



UPDATE::: The next day::::::


I woke up and grabbed my bedside iPad, checked my email, and then decided to use Amazon again.

I tried adding an item to my cart::: this item did not add to the cart.

So I put it on my wishlist.

I tried adding another item I wanted to my cart::: it worked! The item added!

So I went to my wishlist and tried to add the first item to my cart::: it still wouldn't add.

So I found a replacement item that does the same job and found out that it would add.

So, with the two items I wanted happily in my shopping cart, I was able to check out.

Hooray.

Now I can hopefully stop feeling that bit of anxiety.

Am I Hallucinating?

I'm supposedly on a strong anti-psychotic ---- I have been for the past 10 years ------


But some weird stuff has happened, and there's enough of it that I just thought I'd mention it here.


SO::::


Yesterday afternoon I went for a drive to do some shopping with my parents.

In part of the drive, my Dad complained that there was absolutely no reason that this one vehicle should have been driving on our side of the road in the opposite direction.

That vehicle did go back to its own side of the road --- and there were no accidents ----

but that incident immediately started me thinking about that old Dumb Laws website that used to exist on the internet.

I thought about these supposed laws that said if you had the right kind of red light or whatever on the front of your vehicle, that you would then be legally allowed to drive on the wrong side of the street.

The laws in those places were something like that. Something about having proper luminescent indication that you can drive on the wrong side and still be legal.


Well, I was just thinking about that for a moment, but very shortly after we reached an intersection where we stopped at a red light.


And I saw the weirdest thing::: the car across the intersection from us::: the left flasher was a red light ------- it was the weirdest thing as if what I was thinking in that moment came exactly true.

I just thought about that sort of "dumb laws" thing for a moment and immediately after I found our vehicle stopped at an intersection with a vehicle with a red left flasher on the other side.


Yeah ---- I definitely made a mental note of that, but didn't think it was enough to post about on its own.


Last night I made a post on LBRY talking about some history in my life that doesn't really make any sense -------  in my logical mind the situation was kind of nonsense, and I thought I'd talk a bit about it. It's ancient history, but it's in my life's history so I'd thought I'd talk about it. It's the part where I'm wrong no matter what side of the argument I take. The pro church argument was wrong and so was the anti church argument. I'm wrong on both sides of the argument. I talked about that for a bit, just because it was on my mind.


Then I lay in bed last night, watching some Youtube on my iPad.


I heard a banging noise upstairs, I wasn't sure if it was the door or someone doing something upstairs ------ I've had situations in my life previously where such noises could have been either.



But this morning I woke up and asked my parents about the banging noise. They had no idea what I was talking about.


Last night I could hear my brother walking around upstairs, so I just assumed that since he didn't go get the door that it was my parents or something --------- but both my parents have no idea about any banging noises ---- right now at least.


I'm confused. Was I hallucinating? I'm supposedly on anti-psychotics ------ but this is just getting weird when I'm seeing things that resemble my thoughts from just moments ago and there's a banging noise that only I seem to have heard. And no one went to the door.


The last strange thing I want to mention is this::::::


This morning I thought I'd order some accessories for my upstairs guitar from Amazon ----- but Amazon isn't letting me put items in my shopping cart right now.


It's either some kind of bug with the website I'm thinking now -------


Or, my paranoid mind might suspect that Amazon was watching me on LBRY and didn't like what I was saying or something about all that confusing stuff.


Right now I'll chalk it up to a  bug with their website or servers or whatever ----- but if the problem persists than I guess I'll just have to accept that something is really, really wrong with me.


Having thoughts about situations that don't make any sense.

Seeing something that doesn't make any sense.

Hearing something supposedly no one else heard.



Am I psychotic right now? Am I hallucinating? What is real?


I'm supposedly on my meds, an injection, but yeah, things have just been strange enough to write a blog post about it.



Seeing a strange thing you never see ----- and yet what I saw was directly related to my thoughts moments earlier ----------

Hearing something no one else responded to and no one else seems to have heard it either --------

and bringing up an old situation from my life that didn't make a whole lot of sense either way ----



Maybe I've been hallucinating. Maybe, am I psychotic right now or in the past few moments?



Just weird. Should I visit the hospital? I'll have to tell my parents about those thoughts and ask my parents what they think.


Of course, I would hope to maintain my freedom ----- but I can't deny this is a couple strange things in the short period of time and something is just weird.


If these questions somehow get answered --- such as my Dad saw it too or my brother remembers last night ------ then I can't help but suspect I might delete this post --------


But then again, if I'm hallucinating I wonder if I should visit the hospital.




I'll note finally that I used to exchange emails with an old friend of mine.


Over the years, I'd think I thought I remember what she said in those emails --- but when I looked up those emails in my records and re-read what she said ----- it's as if her written words had CHANGED.


As if someone hacked the email server and changed what she said.



And then there's that book The Miracle of Forgiveness which magically says something different than what I originally read ---- as if someone switched out my copy of the book with a different edition.




Maybe I really am schizophrenic, or maybe it's all just magical ------ but it's definitely something to talk to the doctor about.



UPDATE:::::


Well, that's unexpected.


I reiterated the banging noises and right light flasher stories to my father a moment ago -

He did not remember the noise and nor did he remember the red light flasher ----

I told him I figured I might be hallucinating -----

and something completely unexpected happened::::

He told me that I'm probably NOT hallucinating. Or something like that.

He expressed, in some way that I wasn't hallucinating, even though for years he was telling me I was ill and this situation doesn't make sense to even me ----

Well, I'm obviously confused now. Yup. Might be a sign of psychosis.

But yeah ----- I figure I might be hallucinating, and my Dad takes an opposite viewpoint essentially.

Now, this is just weird. I do not understand.



He figures that what I saw may have been real and that he just didn't notice.


But it's so strange that I was thinking about it moments before I saw it.


Who knows.


FURTHERMORE::::::


So I had a family member try to add the items I wanted to their Amazon shopping cart.

Didn't work for them either.

I'm leaning towards this being a server problem or error now ------- it seems unlikely that Amazon just doesn't like my whole family anymore.


I asked my Mom if she remembered the incident with the vehicle in our lane ----- she didn't. No hope there.


And then I realized that if someone had been at the door, they should've rung the doorbell. Which they didn't.

So who knows what that was.


Maybe it's a false alarm ----- but there was enough weirdness between yesterday and today that I just felt I had to write a post about it.

Monday, June 29, 2020

Upstairs Guitar

The first guitar I bought was a $130 Maestro by Gibson.

It's a beginner or starter guitar for a new player or learner.


A while back I discovered a problem:::: the F Sharp on the G String didn't sound right. I had no idea why.


I had put the guitar into storage in case someone else in my family or friend group wanted to eventually learn to play guitar.


But yesterday I found the only person in my family who had the slightest desire to learn wouldn't do it for a long time.


So I felt it would be OK to take my guitar to a Thrift Store just to get rid of it --- to attempt to follow Jesus' teaching to sell and give to the poor.



So last night I took the guitar out of storage.


I tuned it up.


And I attempted to play O Canada --- in order to demonstrate how the F Sharp of the G String was not working.


But ---- I quickly found the F Sharp DID work this time. I have no idea why.



So months ago I had no idea why the F Sharp wouldn't work.



And today I have no idea why it is now finally working properly.



I have no idea what caused the problem or the fix.



But ----- now that the guitar is functional, I see no need to get rid of it ------ and my Mom seems to be OK with this idea -------



So my once-broken but now-fixed [for no apparent reason] beginner guitar will now be my upstairs guitar.



Hooray.



It's just the strangest thing. It wouldn't work for no reason, and for no reason, it became fixed. No idea.

Friday, June 26, 2020

Not Much More to do it seems right now

For a little while I was feeling the urge to build the video game ---- but when I tried to get Unity to work on my Catalina Mac Mini, somehow the latest LTS version wouldn't install using the Unity Hub ---- so though maybe I could do it using a Linux virtual machine, I'm kind of leaning again towards saving my money for more important things than a video game.


So:::: on the video game business front, I don't see the point of making all the effort to waste my money. So no.



And then there's all those old psychological issues that I had for a very long time. Could I talk about that?



I thought about two of the topics I could discuss on that front, but then realized one of them is just a re-worded way of saying something I already said, while the other would dig up old issues that probably don't matter anymore.



The trend in my life over the past months seems to be headed towards this idea that I'm retiring now.



I may have released a new song ------ reactions to the song are mixed ------ some people enjoy it while other people don't really understand the entertainment value. There's a reason I charge 35 cents for that song ----- I actually don't want people to listen to it, but if they want to listen to it, then they have to give me 35 cents. Does that make sense?


Yes ---- it's weird ------ but I've actually figured out that I can actually stop people from viewing my materials just by putting on a price tag like that.


I have material that I want to publish, but I don't necessarily want everyone viewing it, so that's why it makes sense to have a price tag.


but yeah, my latest song pleases only maybe half the audience as I've learned so far.


But from the two sales it had, it had 7 views ----- which means it must've been pretty good for someone.



So::: maybe I could try making more music some time, but maybe then again I shouldn't. Maybe it doesn't matter.


Video games are a hassle and a waste of money ------ so I can ignore doing that for now.


I think I've worked though most of my psychological or church issues by now ------ so I don't totally see the point of digging that stuff up again or re-wording the same old things.



I guess I can talk about whatever is on my mind if I deem it worthy -------- but it sure is interesting to find out that if I have a topic I don't want people to hear but I do want to publish all I have to do is put on a price tag.


Either people don't buy much from me, or else someone like the government may have been garnishing my earnings for the past however long.



I can just enjoy living with my family and collecting my disability now it seems.



I just don't see what much more to do right now, besides write this blog post.


As for the upstairs guitar thing:::


I thought I could use having an upstairs guitar as a convenience as an excuse to get a new guitar ----


but no, that's not going to work.


I would like an upstairs guitar, but my mom is very opposed. And I understand that too. So I doubt I'll be buying anymore guitars. Unless my current guitar gets broken somehow, I guess.


Yup ---- I'm either on vacation or I'm finally retiring. Something like that. I just seem to be moving towards having nothing to do besides maybe helping my family with my Sister's projects.



I'm actually quite proud of my Sister for her efforts. I hope it works out for her.


I may not have liked her much when we were growing up, but most of the time I feel capable of following the church's teaching to forgive.


So, I'll just wait until I can game with my sister's brother-in-law again, and yeah, not much more to do or say.

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

Irrational Temptation

I am so tempted.

To buy a new guitar.

There are reasons this is a bad idea.

But the reward centers in my brain tell me I want it.



So:::: things I could spend my money on:::

1) Helping my sister with her projects (long term and expensive).

2) Building a video game (short-medium term and a bit pricey).

3) If (1) fails I could use that money to maybe start an actual business, like a video game company, with more funding than a small project

4) I could buy this guitar.




This guitar is a big waste of money because I already, pretty much, have all the guitars I could need, and I'd have limited space in my house to put this guitar to store it,


but yeah ------ I enjoy guitar so much and this guitar looks so sweet that my brain just feels this great desire to have one.


The thing that got me to write this post is that the model name of this guitar is an "Epiphone Les Paul Special II".


What's so great about that name?


My Harmonica is a "Special 20".


Having a Special 20 and a Special II would seem like such a good thing, and it is really tickling my imagination and hopes to have both. Just fun you know?


Thing is:::: right now I have $500 of debt and it'll take a bit of time to pay that off.


It's just tickling my mind so much, this sweet guitar and how it matches my harmonica. And then how in a real-world sense it's just a bad idea.


It's an irrational temptation ---- it's a bad idea ----- but it's tempting.

UPDATE 3:02PM:::::

I just realized or remembered that there's also a handheld console expected to be released this year. I've wanted one since I found out about it.

All the things to spend money on ---- yet such little income from sales. Huh.

Anyway, this upcoming console, which is supposed to be limited in release quantities, is called the Play Date. You can find it at play.date <---- (that's a website URL).

yeah --- anywho ---- lots of things to spend money on, limited resources, and few sales.

I have an excuse to try to sell my games ------ but who knows, maybe people don't find them that interesting. Or something.