Monday, February 18, 2019

Writing New Music

On a side note: Just now as I was opening my web browser to write this post - I must've waited 5 or 10 minutes just for the web browser to load.

And then there was that time when it took an hour to order lunch ---- I turned on my computer, waited to boot, waited to log in, waited to open the web browser etc etc ------ really really slow.

I'll be so glad once I finally replace this 1.4ghz mac mini with one of the new macs. Just have to wait patiently.

It's almost like the hard drive on this machine is slower than it has to be.



Anyway:: now for the real post::

A week ago I thought I'd try putting one of my poems from The Book of Finch to music and releasing it this Saturday. But I'm not very trained musically, so the music I added to the song made the poem seem sick --- like, literally it seemed like illness music, something you would listen to if you were about to barf.

So, I put that idea on the shelf.

And then yesterday, I decided maybe I should try writing a song to release on Youtube this Saturday to keep up a schedule -----

So, I wrote the poetry I could feel, the poetry that was inside of me ------

I wrote music for that poetry ---------

And I have to say ------ it's psychotic music. Like, it's what's inside of me, and it might even be a good message to tell, but it's not necessarily a NICE message.

It's the story of going through so much mistreatment repeatedly and just being told to forgive everything.

I leave a lot to the imagination, but if you knew what it was like to experience that in life you may see how such a song could be considered "wrong".

(And though The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints loves telling music it is wrong, this wrong music is a clear product of me living in that church)

Anyway ----- so I wrote a poem, and created some music --- it's what I could do because that's how my soul flows -----

But it's music that's basically on some level, psychotic. Paranoid schizophrenia levels of psychotic.


I mean ---- you know "Let's Talk" ------- it's good to let people know about this sort of thing,


but it's not necessarily a positive message.


And considering how Guidelines of behavior might be, I'm just wondering that maybe I should scrap this song as well. It's on my hard drive, but if I want to be a happy musician and make the world a better place ------ would such unhappy psychotic music help?


I think it COULD help ----- but I know probably someone wouldn't agree with that.


If you had a brain and interpreted my song, it would be taken as a message to always be on your best behavior --------


But it doesn't say that outright.


So yeah, I'm basically wondering if I'll have to scrap this. Maybe in some code of law such a song would be allowed ---- but we're talking YOUTUBE here, where it may or may not be OK ------ as well as a Church of Jesus Christ environment where people can be very judgmental.


So::: it's possible that my music project might have only two songs in it now -----


Simply because I write what I feel, and what I felt, trying to stay on schedule, someone might not like.


And the truth is, I've felt this way, I've had concerns over these thoughts for many years now ------ and the only real place I can discuss it is with my doctor. Nobody else wants to hear it.



So ----- Though I could have written more and produced a weekly song (maybe), I might have to shut down my own project, simply because I am full of grief and often don't have much else to talk about, in the depths of my soul.


I basically have to make deliberate effort to be happy really.

Saturday, February 16, 2019

Mellow Music 1 - Garage Band Guitar Instrumental

I've just released my latest composition and performance on Youtube. It's a lot calmer than my previous song. I made a change to the score today to make it better. I designed this song to help a player practice switching between chords. I like it.





Wednesday, February 13, 2019

About Psychiatry

I just thought I'd share a bit about my understanding or experiences with psychiatry here in Canada.

Psychiatric clinics do seem a little scary --- especially after you've lived a life of torment.


But, looking back, I have to say that psychiatry has been overall beneficial in my life.


The worst part of psychiatry is probably the drugs ------ it is really questionable how useful those really are -------



but in my life of living in the mental health system here, psychiatry has provided so much help ----- it feeds me, it gives me someone to talk to, it's like my friend, and it even helps me figure out some of life's problems.


OK ---- so there are different kinds of psychiatry.


I got psychiatry with a slant that really questions the LDS Church ------ and this has really helped me.


I don't know completely if there are psychiatrists out there who would go total pro-LDS ------- so I can't say for certain anything about that --------


but in my experiences with psychiatry, they really helped me question the validity of the church ---- and that REALLY HELPED.



So:::: being LDS, with beliefs in the paranormal and a no drugs philosophy, Psychiatric clinics seem really scary ----


but, looking back, yeah, it has actually been very good for me.


The worst part is the drugs ---- although the doctors themselves would say that the drugs helped me recover as much as I have. I don't know if I fully believe that ---- but the good news is that I am recovering.


Psychiatry can be a really good benefit for your life ------ but if you "misbehave too much" then they will make sure to treat you for those behaviors too I'm sure ------ so psychiatry has it's rewards for both patients and victims. Which is great.


Anyway, that's just how I've seen it in my Canadian psychiatric experience.


I should note ------- not all doctors are the same, and I've been lucky because for years now I've had a REALLY GOOD DOCTOR. it's been awesome having this psychiatrist.



So yeah ---- just the biggest bad thing that there might be about this profession is the drugs: how much do they really help?


I should also say that I am on a really good drug too.  The Paliperidone Injectable, or Invega Sustenna ------- has let me live my life happily and freely as I would want to, the only really big drawback being I gained a lot of weight, which doesn't really feel like too much of a problem anymore.


Some drugs are designed to put their patients to sleep.


My med lets me have more regular sleeping patterns --- it does NOT put me to sleep, and this has been wonderful for me.


I am actually just like the church taught in primary:::: early to bed and early to rise.



Anyway::::: I know psychiatry can seem scary, but after my years of living with it ----- it has actually been quite good. I really questioned it for a very long time.


It's not perfect, but it was really, really helpful. So yay.

The Power of Helping

so: good news: Purolator says they found my amp, and they said they are going to deliver it to me today. Yippee.


But the following is what I really wanted to say::::::

If you don't already know, in all my time trying to do this or that, selling things, I've found that people typically just do not pay.

This means that I am forced to survive mostly on the disability income I receive ----- and the reason I'm disabled is because of all the abuse and torment I received from other people when I was growing up.

So:::: growing up I was treated very poorly, and this is why I now have my income.

I've tried to work and entertain and educate people, but people don't pay me anything for this work ---- obviously something is very wrong with humanity, as things aren't going well repeatedly.



ANYWAY ------- SO:::: I bought an electric guitar, and I am now able to make my own music.

I also figured out that I will soon finally be able to buy a low-end new mac mini.


But I have to emphasize::::


THE ONLY REASON THIS IS POSSIBLE


is because my grandmother donated $500 to me as a Christmas gift.


I would not feel able to buy the guitar or the mac mini so soon if it wasn't for Grandma's Christmas gift/donation.


She basically just invested in my talents, really.


So:::: if a simple $500 donation gets me moving down a road where I can now play guitar online and even get a new mac,


then wouldn't it sure be interesting if people actually paid me for my work or donated bitcoin? I"m sure it would be pretty darned interesting.



I was just watching a video on youtube that says entrepreneurs suffer because people don't have money to spend. I believe it.


Imagine what the world would be like if people were honest in their dealings. Huh. The world would likely be a MUCH better place.


Anyway:::::


Main point of this post::::


My amp will be returned to me soon,


and the effects of one $500 donation/gift to me have been tremendous. Getting paid really, really helps.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

What I Want - Garage Band Electric Guitar Music

Well ---- my fancy microphone didn't make it ---- but I decided I would check to see if I could record something good with my webcam as a mic ---- it turned out quite alright I think!



So:::: listen to my electric guitar, listen to my words of faith, and watch some good messages on the screen. yay!





Friday, February 8, 2019

Microphone Order Cancelled eh

This morning I posted a video on Youtube announcing that I intend on performing some music in an upcoming video.

I say I am waiting on a fancy microphone to record my vocals.


I had ordered a fancy refurbished microphone ------- the money was paid from my Card ------- but when I just checked on the order a moment ago, the portal said the order had been canceled.

Huh.

Well, it was refurbished ---- maybe there weren't any in stock, who knows.

It would be too bad if I offended Best Buy somehow by saying my amp never arrived.



The good news is that Purolator has gotten back to me twice today about the missing amp. I hope this all gets sorted out quickly enough.



Well ---- that announcement video on Youtube -------- I advertised it on Twitter and Facebook ---- so far only 1 person has watched only 6 seconds of it.


This does not look promising.


It's interesting that I have some subscribers, followers on Twitter and friends on Facebook ---- and then nobody cared to watch my video. Hmmm.


Such a letdown.


Am I personally just somehow separate from the rest of society? Maybe I am.


You'd think having friends would be a good thing ------ but it is also true that I have seen people fail horribly in their thoughts, actions, and speech. Maybe it is best just to stay separate.


It's unfortunate that I appear unable to sell anything or to even get people interested in watching a simple 2-minute video.



Who knows ------ my friends historically, many of them came from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and the church and I stopped getting along ------- and it's quite probable that members of the church can't accept to be shown how they might be wrong, especially when they believe it's wrong to criticize.

Oh well.


That's just a little sad because so much of what I am and learned and do and know came from that church ------ but somehow things just changed, and though I have much of my life based on things I know from church ------- the church basically seems to have rejected itself basically.


yeah, weird huh?



One minute the church is telling you that denying the Holy Ghost and murder are unforgivable --- the next thing you know your bishop tells you to deny your testimony of the Holy Ghost and they suddenly change their teaching to that murder actually HAS to be forgiven.


They were going in one direction consistently ---- then there was a sudden change in policy I guess.


And they feel they cannot be criticized for changing their beliefs or policies, or basically, baiting and switching.

Thursday, February 7, 2019

My First Amp is my Mac

Good news.

I now have an amp.

My amp even records my guitar playing, way better than my webcam recorded my acoustic guitar.

Yeah ---- a cable arrived today. I just plugged it into my mac, set the settings, turned on the application, set the settings again, and away I went.

It's not very loud though. But I think my parents will be OK with that.


So::: yeah, my acoustic guitar recordings from my webcam were not nearly as good as the recordings from my electric guitar through a cable on my amp. This is so special.


And I also received a guitar stand today. Now I don't have to worry about my Squier falling over. Yay.



You might wonder why I'd even want a real amp if I can use my Mac as an amp ---- well, setting up the mac as an amp is tedious enough that I'd want something that I can just plug and play with. That's why.


Anyway, just thought I'd share the good news. My Mac may be an amp now --- but it's more of a recording machine than an amplifier.


OK --- For some reason I actually feel kind of unfulfilled right now, like this is actually kind of a letdown.


It's all good ------- but it's just not a real amp. But yeah. Hmmm.


You'd think I'd be feeling better about this now. I still feel "good" ----- but it's not a strong good. It's kind of a "meh" actually.


So::: just got to look into a new amp is all. A real amp.