Sunday, May 27, 2018

Another Example of a Memory Problem

So: the two biggest events of the past week were seeing white lights in my dark bedroom, and memories that seemed like yesterday for so long already have become distant in my head.

The Mormons say that to forgive something - you HAVE to forget it. But they did change the definition since then. Well, they said, "forgiveness is forgetting".

There was a special LDS Mormon open house event an old friend from the church told me she was holding yesterday near the local temple.

She invited me to come.

I didn't go because I didn't want to upset my father.




But as I was at a store yesterday, I saw a girl who "reminded" me of this LDS friend who invited me to the open house.



When I went to tell my LDS Friend about that girl I saw that day ----- I realized my memory about what my LDS friend looked like wasn't at all reliable because I realized I had largely forgotten the specifics of her appearance.



I woke up this morning:::: the girl I saw yesterday? I've already largely forgotten what she looked like too, except for like a vague idea of what her hair color was.


SO:: I'm having memory problems now it seems like, which is exactly what the LDS Mormon Church would want.


Because of the outreach of my old LDS Friend at this time, I feel instantly friendly towards some idea of going back to church ---- the big thing holding me back is knowing my Dad has more recently had problems with the whole thing too, and I don't want to upset him.



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On a side note, I will say my Dad my brother and I were out in our vehicle around midnight last night waiting to pick up my Mom from her work.


There was no rain. There was no thunder.


But we saw a marvelous light show in the sky. It didn't even really look totally like lightning --- what we saw could best be described as illuminations in the clouds.


I did take some video of two of the lights we saw, the video, even on an iPad Retina Display, does not do justice to what we saw last night. It's evidence of what we saw, but it was more marvelous in person than in the video.



So:::: I saw lights in my bedroom I believe it was Tuesday night, and then Saturday night there were big bright white illuminations in the clouds, without thunder nor rain.


It might have been lightning, maybe, but it didn't seem totally identifiable as lightning to me when I saw it at the time last night. It was amazing to see. It was like a light show.



So:: two light shows in one week, and I'm losing my memories, or memories are becoming distant.



This seems to be right up Mormonism's alley I think. Weird.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Some Detail

There really is a big difference in my mind. For the past 17 years, things that happened when I was 16 and 17 years old were present in my mind as if they had happened just yesterday. I had all these memories, and there were "important" ones that were on my mind as if it was just yesterday.

But my mind somehow becomes "new" --- like even OUYA seems distant now, and I can't even bring myself to think about specifics in my life.  It's like it's all gone, in the past.

Like, one of the big problems my Dad has had with me for a long time is I'd have something "important" to talk about and he would be unable to discuss it with me ----- he never discussed it with me since the beginning, so it just popped up over and over again, and we almost never discuss it ---- and he'd say "we've already talked about this".

Anyway ---- I had things on my mind that wouldn't go away that stayed on my mind as if they happened yesterday.

But today it's different. I really do feel different in my head. So many things seem distant now --- like it doesn't matter anymore.

Why is my brain doing this?

Maybe I'm just recovering from all those past problems.

Two psychiatric visits ago, all I talked about was video games. My visit with the psychiatrist was basically just me giving the doctor my personal opinion or review on a couple video games. Even 3 weeks ago: the problems weren't being big in my mind at that time.

So, yeah, I just feel like I can move on now.



BUT::::: For the sake of this blog, the BIG reason I'm writing this post is the following:::

I don't fully know if what I'm about to say has anything to do with my mind being renewed into a less-traumatized state,

but a few nights ago, I think it was Tuesday Night, I sat down on my bed in my darkened bedroom, and in plain view, I could see a white light in my doorway.

The white light turned off, and back on, and flickered.

I could not hear anyone playing with light switches --- and in fact, because I don't normally see any lights like that, and because there's no real way that light could have been appearing,

basically, something weird happened.

Just a white light in the middle of the night as I sat on my bed. The light was coming from the door --- but no one was doing anything, there were no sounds of people walking around, no indication of light switches being played with ---- and the light didn't even look natural to my housing conditions.


It was just weird.


So::: yeah, just weird white lights and now my brain is forgetting the past.


What's even weirder is an LDS friend contacted me on Facebook and invited me to an Open House.


Normally I would be able to deflect the LDS church so easily ----- but the white light I saw just earlier in the week had me disarmed.


The only real excuse I had at that point for not going to the LDS Open House was because I still realize my Dad wants me to stay away from the church because of past problems ---- and those problems are now becoming distant and faded in my mind. Weird. But I know my Dad has a problem --- and that much is not distant and faded.


yeah.  Just weird stuff ----- it really does seem like someone was praying for me.


Someone praying for me to forget the past, see white lights, and go back to church or something. It really is like a magical experience I'm having in the past week, and I can only wonder if it's because people are praying for me ---- so the Law of Attraction comes into effect. yeah.

Strange Psychology - My brain is being weird

Last Wednesday when I went in to see the psychiatrist, when I met the nurse she said something about how I seem like a totally different person today.

We had barely just met in that moment, but she could somehow already detect a difference.

I've started wearing suspenders a few weeks ago to keep my new pants up --- that's a difference that makes me look quite a bit different I'm sure even if most of my clothes are still the same.

But as for my brain ---- well, this is just going to be weird now.

On the Tuesday before last Wednesday --- I was sitting in my well-padded executive chair (OK --- so my regular chair at this desk broke because I weigh so much, so I guess because I was basically having my own business when I was at OUYA or just because this is the only chair that holds my weight, my Mom bought me an executive desk chair - yes, it was pricey, like 4 or 5 hundred dollars) -- I was sitting in my chair and I felt like I had suddenly become a new person, like I was posessed with a new spirit or something, like the guy I've been for the past several years wasn't even the real me.

It was weird.

It's even weirder that I would have those feelings one day, and the next day when I saw my doctor, without barely talking the nurse already somehow noticed a difference.

I'm not exactly sure what it is about me that's making my brain do this --- whether is chemical or spiritual -------

but today I'm sitting around and I feel like someone is trying to suck all the information I learned for the past several years out of my brain and trying to make me forget a lot of my experiences.

I basically feel like the good student I once was before I became schizophrenic --- like I am really, really recovering, except this time without all the negativity around me ------

but the really weird thing is how OUYA, for a long time was something I really enjoyed and it seemed just like yesterday ---- but all of the sudden those memories seem to be very distant like it wasn't actually me who experienced them.

In the past years, I've learned all kinds of stuff about the economy and central banking and all that ---- and Poof! It's like someone is trying to suck that information out of my head so I'll forget.

I like feeling like I was before I was ill ---- but I do not like forgetting all my good memories of everything I learned and enjoyed.

So::: I'm not fully sure what's going on in my head, it's like I'm a different person now and my nurse immediately recognized it. I don't know why the memories from the past several years seem so distant --- I don't want to lose everything I learned.

The good part is I feel like I'm happy and healthy again. Like I'm recovering from the disease.

Not sure what's going on --- if it's some kind of spiritual possession phenomena or if it's some kind of abnormal psychology thing.

One thing I know however is THE LAW OF ATTRACTION --- So if people, if even en masse, are praying for me to become or be something that I wasn't previously --- then there's a high chance it's going to happen.

 I know this because I was a really good student ----- but all the children around me for quite a while, even my own sisters, didn't care about keeping me a good student.  Basically, people were trying to tear me down, and it's like all the negative energy caused some spiritual force to make me lose my mind.


And now I'm back to being happy and all that ----- and the real point is just how weird it is how distant my memories from the past several years are.

And that's all I have to say. I guess.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Becoming Nervous Again

Using Youtube, Gmail, and Blogger --- one thing that is clear to see is that Google takes things I talk about in anything I write and gives me related content on my Youtube feed.

In fact, the amount of information they have about me seems to be so much so in fact that sometimes it seems like they even know what I'm just THINKING and giving me related information in my Youtube feed.

Some paranoid people might have a big problem with this sort of thing:::

Personally, I think it's like the most useful thing in the world to have a topic of discussion from my real life and Google responds to me through Youtube. I have become so much more educated because of this.

The reason this is important is this:::: Youtube, just today, just started showing me videos about blogging and making money from blogging.

To me, this sounds like encouragement for me to put ads on my blog.

I am nervous about having ads on my blog.

Basically, there are so many guidelines about what a website can say while displaying Google's Ads ---- and I don't want to screw anything up, so that's why I've not been monetized all this time.

I'm not sure I'd be completely 100% capable of remembering all guidelines all the time ---- and considering how much of a "gray area" (it's kind of dark) the history of my life has been, I don't want to upset anyone with Ads or make any mistakes.

Of course, I do deliberately try to keep more sensitive information OFF my blog entirely --- but I do fear to make mistakes.

So who knows if I'll decide to think Google is telling me to implement Ads and then implement ads. I don't know. We'll see.

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As for my history, and why it might be important:::: there is plenty of room for argument about what the actual truth of history is.

Maybe that's something I can discuss here on my blog.

When my friendship with someone ended, the truth of the situation was an instant casualty. Just being honest wasn't in the cards for her or her family. And that really screwed with me.

I had to really talk, and basically forcefully talk just to get people to hear the truth from my perspective on my side of the story.



SO::::::: Today Youtube Showed me a video about Avril Lavigne.

You may have heard about some kind of Avril Lavigne death conspiracy that happened --- and hear this conspiracy debunked ------- while this video I watched today said something about Avril being with Deryck since she was 17 years old ----- I have my own perspective about the history doing what I was doing. There is a bunch of misleading information out there.

I'll try to touch on these two topics here:::

1) The Avril Lavigne is already dead conspiracy.
What is my perspective on this?

When I joined Avril Lavigne's fan club in 2004, I do remember seeing a post that said Avril Lavigne was unable to move, and they wondered if she was dying.

I just said, "I think she'll be fine" (or I said something like that).

Why did I say that?

Because I was experimenting with mentalism/telepathy at long distance with Avril at that time ---- and I figured she would be fine with her supposed paralysis because on my end I had been experiencing the exact same thing. And I was just fine.

I'd lie in bed and connect with Avril ---- and to be honest, I thought very sad or even bad thoughts at her ---- so her depression in her 2nd album came as no surprise to me, a guy who had been deliberately trying to be telepathic with her.

Anyway ----- in the forum they reported she was unable to move, they wondered if she was dying --- I said she'd be alright simply because I experienced the exact same thing on my end in my experiments with her.

I would find myself unable to move for at least some periods of time in these experiences.

People have always accused me of being crazy, but hey, that's what I get when my Sisters and their friends were deliberately trying to drive me insane because, in reality, no one really gives a damn about me.


2) The Avril Lavigne was with Deryck since age 17 video story.

OK ----- when I joined Avril Lavigne's fan club in 2004, Deryck Whibley was not to be found, he was hardly mentioned if mentioned at all.  At that time, EVERYONE seemed to think that Avril Lavigne was with a guy named "EVAN TAUBENFELD".

For a long time, Deryck was never part of the picture.

People would call Deryck the Sk8er Boi when Avril finally got going with him later that year ---- but the truth is, Avril broke up with the actual Sk8er Boi in her second album Under My Skin --- that's how I see it from my perspective.


So:::: from my perspective, Deryck Whibley was NOT the actual sk8er boi, and his relationship with Avril didn't start until mid-2004.

So who knows why this video said they were together since she was 17.

Before Deryck Whibley was dubbed the Sk8er Boi, people thought Evan Taubenfeld was the Sk8er Boi.

But, on a side note, from my personal perspective, I, me, yours truly, was more or less the ACTUAL Sk8er Boi because the song actually seemed to be directly about me in the experience it tells in the story. With just some slight differences.

So:::: history seems confused or confusing, that's because some people are lying and people make mistakes and they don't want to admit, own or confess what actually happened.


The real truth is that many people I ran into in my life actually kind of disgraced themselves.


SO::::: Unless I've seen Avril's Ghost, as far as I was aware Avril did not die and was in fact just paralyzed probably due to something involving my telepathy with her. I know this because I also experienced the paralysis at that time.

That may seem like a crazy or odd story, but that is what I know or understand about it::: I was top of the class for a long time in school, and it's only been way too easy to call me crazy because my sisters were in fact deliberately trying to drive me crazy.



Anyway --- And I doubt Avril was actually with Deryck since age 17 because Deryck didn't come along until mid-2004, before that people thought she was with Evan Taubenfeld, although I also heard reports that her "actual" boyfriend was another bandmember entirely, but I don't know about that, it's just a rumor I heard.

While from my personal perspective, knowing my own life experience, and seeing telepathy truthfully demonstrated, I believed myself to be the actual sk8er boi.


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So, is arguing over history something to be nervous about, especially when it seems like it's being suggested that ads should be put on my blog? We'll see. Hopefully, everything will be fine.



UPDATE::::

I decided just to ask my Magic 8 Ball if I should display an ad on my blog:::

I asked it twice to make sure:::

Both times it basically said that yes, I probably should. So, now there's an ad spot on this blog. There you go.

Solving a past life problem

So: I learned something new about Psychology from Youtube.

Apparently, a lot of people with Bipolar Disorder suffer from something called "Hypersexuality".

I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. But the doctor suspected I may have been Bipolar.

To be honest, combined with how my religion did make me schizophrenic, there is also the fact of my life that I did have ups and downs.

I had major depression and major happy experiences.

From my Mormon understanding at that time, I viewed those experiences mostly through a spiritual way of looking at things, rather than from a psychological brain chemical viewpoint.

Well, I've been thinking for a long time now that I am actually a mixture of schizophrenic and bipolar, a condition known as "Schizoaffective Disorder".

Anyway::: why this is important is because with depression and highs I would have, which indicates bipolar ------ well, it was only too likely according to what I learned what the other factor of my life::::

An extremely strong sex drive.

I suffered from hypersexuality or something LIKE hypersexuality, I believe, and it really screwed me up in life.

Thanks to the Mormon church, I really, really kept myself comparatively well behaved ----- but I did suffer, for a long time, from an extreme drive to masturbate.

And knowing that sin, combined with how the church punishes it, that only further worsened my depression.

However, now that I'm 33 years old and on a medication that regulates my emotions:::: my sex drive isn't a big problem anymore, the extreme uncontrollable urge to masturbate is not really an issue anymore.

So I guess that's another good thing about paliperidone, maybe, and maybe just getting older and having lower levels of testosterone.

The thing about my sex drive was that it didn't matter how hard I tried to "choose the right", it didn't matter how hard I was trying to repent::::: the extreme sexual urges just would not leave me alone.

That situation helped contribute to my downfall in life, but there were actually many factors all acting together that caused my downfall, not that I'm going to discuss that all again here.

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On the schizophrenic part of my brain, I have been "aware" supposedly "telepathically" that there was some girl who was interested in me. I basically ignored her, pretty much because I'm going MGTOW.

I do not have much or any desire to date or marry. I'm just going to live my life my own way. I don't need someone else's problems, I've got enough of my own.

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And along with going MGTOW --- you might be able to guess that I'm going to do my best now not to fulfill the Patriarchal Blessing the LDS Church gave me.

The church was magical, and they did and taught some good things::::: but where I am locally in my area and in my experience there was just complete dysfunction around Mormon Families and Mormon Leadership.

The church did and taught some pretty good or OK-ish things, but for me, it just wasn't going to completely work because many people have minds of their own and didn't seem to be making any actual effort to actually do the right thing or actually follow the religion.

So I"m not interested in traveling and preaching to the nations anymore. It's that simple.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Finding Peace

Over the course of the past few days, my Dad and I had a bit of a discussion.

I started the discussion by trying to talk about how the Law of Attraction was misused by my sister when she and her friends were deliberately trying to drive me insane.

My Dad instantly went to defend my sister.

My sister is innocent, he said repeatedly.

Some of the behaviors my sister exhibited from her early childhood up to the point I was talking about were pretty bad so I was like "so even after ALL those things she did wrong, she's still innocent?"

Yes.

My Dad views my sister to be innocent despite a number of the quite heinous things she "did".

So::: It looks like it didn't matter how bad her behavior was, she is innocent, and can face no retribution for anything she does.



So then I asked about how the church kept on tormenting me and punishing me over masturbation.


Basically, my sister, despite heinous acts, will always be innocent it seems.


While I was tormented and punished just for being a normal male with natural hormonal urges, and I didn't even actually hurt anyone.


My Dad basically summed it all up as the Bishop shouldn't have been Bishop and that the church was, in fact, exercising unrighteous authority.


All my life growing up in the church it was made absolutely clear how "wrong" masturbation was. Even years after my childhood and having confessed masturbation a long time ago in Letters to Whomever we see my old young men's leader telling me that I can't be with God because I masturbate.


Well, my sister is totally innocent despite pretty heinous acts, while I'm totally condemned for being a normal male who didn't hurt anyone.

Yes ------ the LDS Mormon church obviously has a big problem.


To be serious:::: When I think about what my sister did as a kid and think "she is still innocent" --- that thought actually brings me PEACE ---- why?

Because it means that I myself should be treated basically equally, despite things people may think I've done wrong or despite my own wrongs, I can still be innocent.

The peace it brings to be declared innocent despite not being perfect is just awesome, it's a total departure from the church I grew up with where something that didn't even matter could get you into hot water really quickly.


Anyway ------ I've actually mostly been very good about forgiving people in my life, and not condemning, and when I can view the world as innocent despite even serious imperfections, that thought actually makes me feel at peace.


I think my Dad was actually drawing on or taking remembrance from his old days as an Anglican when he's talking to me about religion now, because Anglicanism may just happen to work better than the Mormonism he raised me with.


So yeah, seeing all the wrong my sister did with her life, and still viewing her as innocent, at least, today, has brought me peace.

Just hearing the admission that the church got something really wrong in the decisions it was making is good for my mind to hear.


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In a recent post, I pointed out how antipsychotics are not an actual cure for schizophrenia and that antipsychotics are not even 100% necessary to recover from schizophrenia.

On the other end of the argument, I will point out my own experience that I've realized with meds:::

My medications DO help regulate my emotions, it seems like.

No, they don't stop me from hearing thoughts. In that sense, I am still "hallucinating" (although that all might depend on if you are willing to accept there's a spiritual reality to the thoughts I hear).

What the paliperidone medication does for me is it "flattens out" my emotions.

I can tell because pretty much every Saturday every 3 weeks before my Wednesday Injection my emotions are likely to go "haywire", for lack of a better term.

It's like that Saturday is when the injection wears off and I need to take one of my pills,

because on the Saturday before the next Wednesday Injection I'll start feeling emotions, like extreme happiness, or depression, or anger, or who knows what.

Anyway ------- I'm just letting it be noted here on my blog that I do recognize the drugs do have value for flattening out my emotions.

This last Saturday I actually started feeling an authentic anger over how I can't seem to be paid for any of my work, and other ways the world makes no sense ----- so I took a pill, and my emotions flattened out again.

In my mind, I know very much what the problems are::: I just don't really care, especially emotionally, while I'm on anti-psychotics.

I have to not care or feel emotions about it, because if I do start getting too emotional about how wrong the world is, well, we'd rather not see me get back into that state again, I'm sure most people would agree.

The world is an absolutely messed up place. And the whole reason I do my meds is so that I don't care about how messed up it is. I become apathetic.

That is actually the desired result --- because if I started to care as much as I have in the past, that's when people start having problems with me. When I have problems with people, people start having problems with me, basically.

So, I just take a med so I don't have to worry about how &#*$ed up the world is.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Where is the logic?

My Dad can't even try to care about things on my mind that I might want to discuss, so I'm going to try to talk about what's on my mind here.


1) I was one of the smartest students at school.

2) I think I became a target because of my high grades, so my life became miserable.

3) The LDS Church told me I'd witness and perform miracles.

4) Members of the LDS Church mistreat me, and the misery of life gets to me, so I descend into despair and my grades drop.

5) The church sends me to a psychiatrist where I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, especially because the church started me to believe I could work miracles.

6) At some point, a top church leader announced that intellectuals are a threat to the church.

6) I am being drugged for my belief in miracles, in an effort to try to increase my grades, and the church supports this. (which is weird because you'd think the church would want me with low grades and a strong belief in miracles ---- this is kind of counter-intuitive how they are treating me)

7) Actual science indicates that antipsychotics (drugs) do not actually cure schizophrenia --- so it's weird that the church wanted me to believe in something, started forcing me on drugs for believing it, and then the drugs aren't even really a cure.

8) The church stake president who became an area 70 tells me that antipsychotic drugs are a special blessing for my mind.

9) I am confused by this because the drugs are unhealthy, they don't actually cure schizophrenia, and the church told me to believe those crazy things in the first place. Heck, the church was the reason I was depressed.


Anyway ---- it's just really confusing.


I'm not quite actually sure what it is the church really wants. (The LDS Mormon Church).


They want me to believe in miracles.

They want me to be dumb.

So I believe in miracles and I become dumber.

Then they forced me on drugs for believing in miracles in an effort to increase my grades.

The drugs are not an actual cure for schizophrenia.



I am just really confused::::: it makes absolutely ZERO sense the decisions the church is making.


You can recover from schizophrenia::: and drugs aren't even 100% necessary to do this,


and at this point, the cure for schizophrenia largely seems based on just getting away from the LDS Mormon Church.


I don't know why drugs were so necessary for me to be fixed of schizophrenia when all I really needed was an intellectual understanding that the church wasn't really helping.


It's just weird how being too smart was wrong, but I was forced on drugs for becoming dumber -- and the drugs aren't even a cure!!

That is just a bit strange.


Anyway, I hope I have clearly depicted with this writing just how wrong things are.


There is just something so wrong with the church and even society in general when this sort of thing is what goes on.


It makes zero sense.


But hey, this a church that:

a) Tells you to be like God/Jesus
b) God and Jesus cannot look upon sin with any allowance so they destroy cities for their wickedness.
c) A priest's and teacher's duty is to make sure there is no iniquity in the church.

and

D) YOU ARE REQUIRED TO FORGIVE ALL MEN!!!!


Yes!!! What the hell????


To be honest, it's clear why I became schizophrenic and lost my mind I think. And I am recovering now that I understand how wrong life and society is.


So it's just too bad that my Dad can't let me speak freely about this at home, and my Mom and Sisters and their families go around seeming to have no clear idea how messed up these problems are.


I just don't understand.


It's like someone really, really screwed up somewhere.


It's like AiSH is just here to help and compensate me because I was born into idiocy and I'm not really allowed to change anything about it. Huh.