Friday, November 15, 2019

Attention Seeking

Well, I've had a certain amount of success on LBRY ------ and now I'm turning into a bit of an attention seeker on the platform.


I realize some of my videos have gone through "their runs" and probably aren't so interesting anymore ------


and I realize that many people might not be in the mood to afford all my games -------


But after getting as much attention as I did get for a good while, well, it's like that phenomenon where you get a lot of likes on Facebook and then start wondering why people stopped liking.


Yeah ---- it's easy to feel loved when the tips are flowing, and it seems almost like a natural response to wonder why people "don't like me anymore" after the tips slow down.


It might just be a financial issue, I'm sure most people are kind and friendly ----- and that maybe I'm just not so interesting anymore.



But considering the history of my life -------- yeah -------- just like life is a mess for so many people my life was a bit of a mess too -------- so what are the implications of that?



But I guess financial difficulties may also be part of the issue------ not everyone has a bunch of video gmess they can sell on the platform like I can.


But yeah ---- getting good attention and then getting doldrums is causing me to, perhaps "irrationally", seek more attention.


I use the word irrationally because my mind just feels like its looking for that high again.


Maybe I just shouldn't worry about it.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots is now available again

I only just now realized that I should make a blog post on this topic.

Last night I re-released The Bananatree Brothers: Eat Carrots.

It's Freeware.

It's on LBRY (go to LBRY.com to download the client).

It's on the @KrisAttfieldGAMES channel.

It requires two players both with a gamepad each, no keyboard or mouse.

It's for Mac Windows and Linux.

It's a pretty fun game.

Zero cost. But feel free to leave a tip.

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Forgiving versus Condoning

So, I did a little bit of research.


A search online and a look at a dictionary reveal that Forgiveness IS SYNONYMOUS with condoning.



But a search asking if forgiveness is the same as condoning reveals multiple results that say Forgiveness IS NOT condoning.




I've been so confused about this topic for so long.



So:::: the two terms ARE synonymous but they mean different things or something and can't be looked at as the same things?


I just looked up the definition of "synonymous".


That word means that two words have the same meaning in the same language.



So::::: dictionaries/thesauruses say that forgiveness and condoning are synonymous, essentially that they have the same meaning,


while supposed experts who write articles on the subject say they are two different things?


I am kind of confused about this.



To me, it seems like there's a faction of humans who want to say forgiveness is purely an emotional state where an offender will still have to suffer punishment anyway, which is not what I understood from looking at the Bible.




Even if God forgives you, you will still go to hell anyway huh?


Does that make ANY SENSE at all??? No!



Anyway.  It's just really confusing.


The two words are considered synonymous, yet also considered to be two different things ---- which makes zero sense.

Monday, November 11, 2019

What is the trouble?

So:::

I watched a youtube video this morning about Crimes with Paranormal backstories.


I realize the story of my life is something like that ---- though not exactly the same.


The worst I actually did was be too horny ----- just like any man.


It was GOD who did all the worst stuff I perceived happened.


And because I'm schizophrenic I can't even know if my perceptions are actually real.


The whole thing is pretty insane.


I, myself, have almost always tried to be a good boy, deliberately. Doing what I think or what I'm supposed to understand is right.


I was educated in the church and educated with the rest of society. Those two moral systems can clash in a number of ways.


I often tried to do what I understood to be right ------ and to me, it seemed like so many people around me weren't even going to try to be good people, especially as children.


A good thing I took from Church teachings when I was a kid was to essentially attempt to be perfect ever since baptism. I was trying so hard. And yes ---- everything gets all messed up in this way and that ------- especially when you find out the church isn't quite right,


But I will say that I was usually trying so hard to understand morality and do the right thing.


When I saw bad behaviour in people around me, that only encouraged me to want to propagate morality.



And yeah ----- in the end it all gets messed up.



All the philosophy and behaviour going around made me have "The coherence of a mental patient".





So yeah ------- my life is a big mess, I was trying to be a good and moral person,


especially as the church encouraged me to follow that path ---- but the church itself became questionable.




If it's a crime to be horny, then that's the biggest crime I've probably physically committed.


God did all the worst stuff unless my perceptions of reality are whacko.



and yeah, I think I did get haunted ------- sometimes I wonder about lights I notice, while in my early 20s I would have sex with ghosts. Yeah.



Nothing makes sense about this to anyone I'm sure.




A church that taught the miraculous reality that sent me to doctors who don't believe in miracles.
(I should point out that the D&C actually says you shouldn't do that).


Nothing made sense.


I try to do the right thing with my life and efforts. Sometimes situations in life just aren't very good or don't make any sense. Yeah.



Of course, Linkin Park says "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter" ---- so who knows.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

I've learned what the GAIN knob does

So:: I've had my electric guitar and its amp for a number of months now,

and I was able to figure out early on that gain "controlled the volume" on the OverDrive --------

But there is also a regular Volume knob on the amp ---------



And the other evening I watched a Youtube video that highlighted a guitarist's ignorance about the actual function of gain, the person in the video supposing it's a volume knob.


So::: I asked a search engine what the Gain knob does.


The search engine took me to Fender who explained it's a control for the level of distortion.


So, excited, I headed to my bedroom and set volume really low, but set the gain to really high ----


and I played ---- Yay!!!


Well, it was just exciting to hear something like that come out.


For a long time, I thought I would actually have to buy a pedal to get such sound --- but now I don't have to. The power of education.

The Second Time this has happened now

In a previous post from a few months ago, I told a story ----

The same kind of story happened again last night.


Last night I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep ---- but I felt, well, horny. I just had this annoying feeling down there that was telling me to have sex.


I'm actually pretty annoyed with that requirement of my physiology. I am getting so tired of those feelings.


I asked the question in my mind: "Why does God make me feel this way?"


Shortly after asking that question in my mind, the feeling disappeared. No more horny. Still no such feeling after a night of sleep.




On the occasion from a few months ago the thought I thought was "There's a ghost molesting me" --- shortly after which the feeling disappeared.




But yeah ----- it appears, in my experience, that if you think a thought or telepathically think a thought accusing a Ghost or God of sexually molesting you, twice now the horny feelings disappear shortly after you think the thought.




But seriously:::: those feelings have been such a problem for me ever since my grandmother died ------ and I'm just getting really, really tired of them.


So it's interesting how simply thinking such thoughts makes the feelings go away.



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I suppose I could mention, in other news, that in the past few weeks I've learned quite a bit more music on guitar.

I know enough music now that I can't even remember all the titles I know all at once I think. Yay.

Saturday, October 26, 2019

What is my goal?

Well, I've been on LBRY for just a few months now and I'm already commonly highly placed on Trending.

In just a few months, with very limited exposure to people, I've made about $23CAD of cryptocurrency from the platform.

That is a sign of hopefully continuing economic success from these efforts.



But what is it all for? Why am I doing it?



In the beginning of this whole adventure of me trying to do something with my life:::: my idea was that I was going to work for Jesus, from a Mormon/LDS way.

But back then my knowledge of the Mormon/LDS ways was heavily limited, especially because I've never been to the temple or got my endowment.


I basically set out to serve Mormon Jesus -------- and learned as I went along, and found some things to be very messed up.



So:::: I've done what I've done, I've had all this experience, I'm suddenly having some kind of success --------



but now I'm wondering ---- What is it all for?


My end goal is not the same now as when I started out.



I started out planning to do certain things with my life:::: but as I found more information, my plans have to change ------


And I just have to figure out exactly what it is I'm going for with my new found success.



$23 isn't much, but it's the biggest gains I've made for a long time. I'm highly placed on trending.



I could do something with this status ------ it should be something good, or useful, at least entertaining.



It's just weird how I started this whole "business" with serving Mormon Jesus in mind only to figure out that this is not how I should be.


What should my end goal be?



Maybe I just have to just hope to entertain people. Maybe I need to set my end goal at a humbler level than before.


To entertain people with guitar and video games? To try to teach people something useful with these medias? Hmmmm.


I need to figure out a worthwhile end goal. My former end goal is not suitable anymore.



I mean::: I should be doing something with my life, it would be a great waste to do nothing.


But it's a good idea to have something to work towards. yeah.



UPDATE:::::


I was just thinking about things that are good that I might try to teach people in LBRY videos.


And I realized something relevant to this post that I should make an update about.


Mormonism is actually full of wisdom.


Mormonism actually teaches many good things.


There are things about the church or the history of the church which are pretty much very wrong,


But when I think about wise things I might impart to others in videos,


I have a realization that many of these good ideas were also taught in the Mormon church.


Mormonism became so wrong somehow --------- but so many good ideas were expressed in that group.


Weird stuff.


Here's a runthrough of some of the good things Mormons taught::

1) Give. Do service. This is good stuff.

2) Don't have sex. I know a lot of people completely miss the point of this one::: but it's a good point::: just don't have sex.

3) The world we live in cannot be expected to be perfect. Basically, the Mormons believe we live in a telestial world, or a very low level world ----- so don't expect people to be on their best behavior.

4) Despite how the world around us is so wrong, it's up to YOU to be perfect/do your best. Let your light shine.



I mean::::: in so many ways the church just becomes so wrong,


but there are things they taught which were really, really good to know.


So:::: it's hard for me to tell if I should distance myself from Mormon Jesus or go back to Mormon Jesus.


The church is really a mised bag. There's the good and the bad.


Sometimes the bad is very noticeable -------

but when I think about all these wise things I know ------- the Mormon church already beat me to the punch, so to speak.


Who knows.