Tuesday, June 11, 2019

So much generosity

People must just love me.

I've received so many messages telling me about the millions of dollars various people want to give me.

I've received emails that claim to be from Lottery winners who want to help.

I have an email that says the UN wants to send me money.

Just a moment ago I received an email that says the founder of Amazon wants to give me something.



This type of thing is happening over and over and over again -------- as per standard paranoia procedure ----- your paranoia tells you to not trust it -------- it's just spam. The same kinds of spam over and over again.



Another part of me wonders if the work I did will ever get a nice payoff.


But the fact remains::::: Receiving emails from people who want your personal information in exchange for promises of wealth --------- does this seem realistic?



This kind of message can really play with a person's hopes and dreams --------


but it also plays with my paranoia.



I'm sure if the UN or the head of Amazon wanted to give me money ----- they'd figure out a way of putting it directly into my bank account ----- and maybe send an email in tandem that explains what that's all about.



I once received an Interac e-transfer by email -------- but the person who sent it didn't say what it was for -------- and also, there was some reason to suspect it was a scam.



Who knows:::: Maybe it's a GOOD thing I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.


My book on business tells me it's the paranoid who survive. Yeah.

Monday, June 10, 2019

I'm noticing a pattern

Perhaps inspired by my last blog post, with how Youtube videos that actually explain useful information get demonetized ----- I have an observation to make about my life now.

As a child ---- My sister devalued me. No need for descriptions.

As a teen ---- my classmates devalued me. Again, no need for description.

As a young adult ---- the church devalued me.

As a working adult ----- society as a whole devalued me.


I think I'm noticing a pattern here.

There has pretty much been one force in my life that ever really gave me value::::


THE PROVINCE OF ALBERTA.


In the education system, the Province of Alberta gave me value.


As an adult, the Province of Alberta gave me disability value.


The pattern continues, however::::


At a national level, the provinces of BC and Quebec kind of try to devalue Alberta.


So::: I'm just noticing a life-long pattern here where people just never seem to think much of me. And it started in early childhood.



Where this extends from the last blog post is with these thoughts:::::

1) I was one of the top students in school for a very long time, I was one of the best.

2) I've written 3 books and 8 video games, all of which I tried to sell at basement bargain prices.

3) People wouldn't pay even the smallest price for anything I did.



If I was one of the best, and yet I'm not even worth 99cents at that high level --------


What does that then say about everyone else in society, essentially, people who are below my level?


I mean, if I couldn't make any money at basement bargain prices having been one of the best there was ------


Maybe that explains why so many youtube videos get demonetized --- regardless of how useful their information might be.


Just a thought.


If I'm pretty high quality yet I'm not worth even 99cents ---- then everyone below my level would be valued accordingly.



So yeah::::: something is just really messed up somewhere.

Thursday, June 6, 2019

Can't Take a Position for or against

I hear news from time to time that Google/Youtube is taking steps to police the internet ---- and though this is a good thing because the world may become a better place to live -----

Sometimes one really has to work out exactly what it is they should say on a topic.


I mean ---- I grew up as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ------

But both my brother and I myself tried believing in that church so much that we both got put on psychiatric medications because of our belief in that church.

So::: If medications are used to treat a belief in the church ---- then what is wrong with the church?


Thing is::::: You can do some research, there are many things videos on Youtube will teach you ------


But I discovered that one video that went in depth in one aspect of Church doctrine got demonetized.



So::: We were raised from very young ages in this church ---- for a long time this church is pretty much all or most of what we know ---------


We find out we aren't really allowed to believe it because we are put on psychiatric meds for it -----


And then I find out that the church is such a touchy subject that people who try to educate you about just one set of issues in the church will be demonetarized in their video -------


So, my brother and I couldn't take a position for the church ------


And then I learn that this video, despite educating us about why the church is wrong ------ wasn't allowed to really discuss those issues?


yeah ---- it's confusing for me.


Local society decided I shouldn't be with the church ---- but the education about the problems ---- youtube had a problem with the education about the problems.


I know I can't take a position for the church without getting into trouble anymore -----


But taking a position against the church will maybe get me into trouble too for a few reasons.


It's kind of hard to know how to navigate the issues of educating people about the church on Youube ------


Our society made it clear to us they do not want us following the church ------


But somehow Youtube has taken some sort of position against educating people about the problems in the church -----



So:::: it's confusing.



Can't really take a position for or against.


And some of the relevant issues involved are big topics ------ things you'd think you'd want to know about.


Yeah -- just a little confusing.

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Talking About Skills

I've had nothing to say for a while, but I guess I have something if even slightly interesting to mention now, so I figured I'd update my blog.

I saw my psychiatrist today.

I told the doctor about how I just learned to play the Jingle Bells tab (as opposed to the chords I was doing around Christmas time) and that I had uploaded a recording of me playing O Canada to Youtube.

The short of it is this::::

The doctor told me that playing the fretboard of the guitar, playing the tablature, is considered to be harder than playing Chords.

I thought that was interesting. Because once I figured out the fretboard, playing single notes on the guitar became much easier, and Rhythm guitar is harder for me.

I can understand that learning the fretboard might seem to be a daunting task to someone who doesn't play or is new to the instrument:

But trust me::: there's a way to figure it out, practise, and start memorizing positions.



So:::: either I'm recovering from my mental problems, which I may be, or I am a mentally ill man who somehow managed to pull off the harder of two tasks yet again.


As I said in The Book of Finch:::: here in Alberta, apparently if you think you have some kind of superhuman power that automatically puts you in the disabled section, legally.

Who knows. But that was something I learned in school. It didn't totally make sense, but that's just how it's legally defined.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

The Good and Moral Thing to Do

This evening I finally paid off my debts in full. Once and for all.

I no longer have a credit card. This will make it a lot easier to live as I intend -- debt free.

And I have to say::: it feels WONDERFUL to not be burdened by knowing I owe someone.

I feel emotionally/spiritually a lot better now.

It appears there's some kind of spiritual or psychological phenomena where if I don't owe anyone I can now concern my mind with enjoying life and doing fun stuff --- like staying up all night and playing video games.

When I owed ---- my spirit felt the urge to work.

Now that I do not owe ---- I can stay up all night and have fun.




I am well aware from experience of both good and "bad" psychological states ---- I believe there is a spiritual aspect of feeling liberated when debts are paid.



Anyway ----- I spent about $9 on the lottery today.


One part of me was feeling foolish for having "wasted" that money.


The other part of me wanted to have some fun.


But now that I'm feeling liberated, I realize that playing the lottery, as long as you only play with what you can afford to lose, is actually a good and moral thing to do.

Why do I say this?

If you win ---- there you've just won the lottery, enjoy your life.

If you lose ---- You just paid your taxes!! And this is NOT a bad thing!


Help the government pay its debt ---- support social services!


My old young men's leader I remember would shame me about stuff like this --- shame me for playing the lottery ------


But I feel good and proud of myself for having paid some extra tax. This is actually a morally GOOD thing to do.


Play only with what you can afford to lose, however. And to know this value, that means keeping a budget.



Yeah ---- this blog post is to say, that in Canada at least, it is actually a good and moral thing to do to play the Lottery.


You are supporting social services. You are balancing the budget. You are paying the provincial debt.


Just live within your means and play with what you can afford. Enjoy life.


I was feeling foolish about losing $9, but I feel better, I feel better after justifying it in my mind knowing it's going to do something good for my countryman.



It's kind of like being shamed throughout your teens for normal male hormonal urges and releasing them all by yourself ------- but then you find out that it's absolutely normal and that releasing it by yourself is probably the best way of dealing with the issue.


The morality I was taught in my youth seems a little crooked.


Second thought has helped me realize a whole different mental reality, where I can feel good about myself for doing things that the "moral authority" previously shunned.

Monday, May 27, 2019

Not Ready For Busking

Today my parents were out in the yard, gardening. There were workers a number of meters away working on something.

I decided I would pull out my guitar and play some music.

I don't have a busking ID yet ---- but I figure I should be OK just playing for my own family on our own property.

(By the way ---- on the city website they just called it a busking ID or something like that ---- is this ID actually some kind of permit or license? I mean, if it's a permit or license that would be good to know because simply calling it just an ID is very vague--- it implies it might not be totally required --- if it is actually a permit or license, that implies it is required).

Anyway --- I figured it'd be OK to play my guitar for my own family on my own property ----



Now ---- normally when I play my guitar, alone in my bedroom ---- I have no problem remembering what to do ------- beyond not being 100% trained in music, I sound quite decent performing alone.


But ----- true to experience every other time I've tried to play for my family ------

Part way through O Canada I lost my concentration.

Yup. Just forgot where I was going with that tune.

I was able to play my other songs just fine ------ and in my bedroom afterward I played O Canada all by myself just fine ---------


but for some reason, when I'm performing for other people, I am far more likely to make mistakes.


Even if I'm just performing in front of a camera that's just for family ----- I make mistakes.

I get so nervous and lose my concentration.


So, I'm not ready for busking yet.


Also::: Another reason why I don't think I'm ready for busking is that I know only a handful of songs.

My repertoire of music is so small I'd become too repetitive really quickly.


So yeah ---- in personal practise in my bedroom I can play the songs I know 100% ------

but when I play for other people I seem pretty much destined to screw up somehow.


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As for that lucky winning streak I had on the lottery for a while ------


I did tell my Mom about it. That's when things went wrong. (this was a few weeks ago).


My mom REFUSES to ask for God's help in making money.


So:::: for whatever the reason, the lucky winning streak ended after I told her about the winning streak.

Not the brightest move I could make.


My telepathy and empathy bring to my awareness this idea that people are really quite unhappy about something ----- which is to be expected in the LDS Church considering how that church typically responds to lotteries.


I don't find my Mom's or the Church's position to be the smartest --- but I also can't control them.


Part of the problem I have in my family is that when I tried sharing and teaching The Secret/The Law of Attraction with my parents, but they decided to reject that doctrine and lifestyle.


I know, it's strange, isn't it? My Parents raised me in the church --- my Mom is very religious ---- and yet they reject a lifehack that comes straight out of the scriptures.


Yeah --- not the smartest stuff ever.

Friday, May 24, 2019

Something Strange

I've been up since about 2am --- it's now 5:09am.

A few minutes ago I was looking out my window and saw, in the darkness of the sky, a sizeable white light ---- to me it seemed like the moon, and though it didn't totally seem like the moon--- I figured it must've been the moon.

Just a moment ago I leaned against the window sill and just looked at this white light in the sky.

And then ---- it just, uh, just got smaller and disappeared.

Yeah. That's not the moon.

The moon just doesn't vanish like that.

I know it sounds really, really strange for me to tell this story ---- but this is what I saw----

A white light in the dark sky, and after leaning against the window sill and inspecting it closely ---- it just vanished.

It was a pretty big white light too ---- comparable to the moon.




Combined with my personal improved eyesight (which I've tested again this morning --- yeah, my "bad" eye is getting better) and recent auditory hallucinations, which we experienced together as a family -------

yeah.


I heard sometimes these things should be kept to oneself.


But this blog is like my journal, so this is where I'll record my sighting.


I know:::: it's kind of way out in left field -------- but I know what I just experienced, and with the fact that my "bad" eye has improved I really have to wonder.


UPDATE::::

9:42AM

I was just sitting and standing in my front yard for the past 20 minutes.

yes --- I noticed some aircraft fly overhead,

But the sun was a little strange to me.


I know ---- this is weird ---- first the moon seems strange to me, and now the sun ------

Hours ago when the "moon" just quickly got smaller and disappeared ---- that was weird. The sun would be coming up soon in the same direction of sky so it couldn't have been an eclipse. (I believe the direction I'm pointed is East).

Maybe a cloud covered the moon? But clouds don't usually go that fast ------


so on to thinking about how odd the sun is as I was looking in its direction-----


So::: usually the sun is blindingly bright, even with sunglasses, and there's no real point in looking at it -------


But I guess there must've been some cloud cover or something because as I looked in the direction of the sun I could see a big round "object" in that direction, and I thought it was weird how it "was the sun" but I didn't look nearly bright enough.

Usually, the sun is just blinding.  But I guess with some cloud cover and my sunglasses on ---- I was able to look directly at a round shape that was bearable for my eyes.


It's strange:::: the sun is usually so completely bright looking at it would be blinding and you'd just see a great blurry hugely bright light.

But somehow what I was looking at in that direction of the sky was viewable ---- I saw it was a very round circular shape ---- not like you'd normally expect to see the sun -----

it either was the sun or near when the sun should be ----- so the cloud cover and sunglasses made it viewable.

I even looked directly at it through my 8x monocular. I was viewable ---- and not overly too bright, which was just kind of strange.

When I went to grab my cell phone camera to take a picture ----- I came back outside ---- and the sun was back to being itself again, a bigh bright way too bright blurry image you can't see clearly with any hope.


And this all happened within 20 minutes ---- the part where I went from looking at it with my monocular to going to grab my phone being, again, a very short period of time for the clouds to move.


So::::: I'm not thinking I fully understand::::


It was like a crescent moon in the eastern sky that just quickly shrank and disappeared ----

and then a very round viewable object where the sun should be in the sky but the sun wasn't blinding me at that time at that viewpoint.


Just strange. It doesn't totally make sense. Not to me at least.


The moon doesn't usually just disappear like that.


While the sun is usually way too bright ----- so it's weird how I was seeing a big circle in the sky with the help of cloud cover and sunglasses. way too strange.


And yeah --- I noticed aircraft passing overhead today too.