Monday, May 21, 2018

Finding Peace

Over the course of the past few days, my Dad and I had a bit of a discussion.

I started the discussion by trying to talk about how the Law of Attraction was misused by my sister when she and her friends were deliberately trying to drive me insane.

My Dad instantly went to defend my sister.

My sister is innocent, he said repeatedly.

Some of the behaviors my sister exhibited from her early childhood up to the point I was talking about were pretty bad so I was like "so even after ALL those things she did wrong, she's still innocent?"

Yes.

My Dad views my sister to be innocent despite a number of the quite heinous things she "did".

So::: It looks like it didn't matter how bad her behavior was, she is innocent, and can face no retribution for anything she does.



So then I asked about how the church kept on tormenting me and punishing me over masturbation.


Basically, my sister, despite heinous acts, will always be innocent it seems.


While I was tormented and punished just for being a normal male with natural hormonal urges, and I didn't even actually hurt anyone.


My Dad basically summed it all up as the Bishop shouldn't have been Bishop and that the church was, in fact, exercising unrighteous authority.


All my life growing up in the church it was made absolutely clear how "wrong" masturbation was. Even years after my childhood and having confessed masturbation a long time ago in Letters to Whomever we see my old young men's leader telling me that I can't be with God because I masturbate.


Well, my sister is totally innocent despite pretty heinous acts, while I'm totally condemned for being a normal male who didn't hurt anyone.

Yes ------ the LDS Mormon church obviously has a big problem.


To be serious:::: When I think about what my sister did as a kid and think "she is still innocent" --- that thought actually brings me PEACE ---- why?

Because it means that I myself should be treated basically equally, despite things people may think I've done wrong or despite my own wrongs, I can still be innocent.

The peace it brings to be declared innocent despite not being perfect is just awesome, it's a total departure from the church I grew up with where something that didn't even matter could get you into hot water really quickly.


Anyway ------ I've actually mostly been very good about forgiving people in my life, and not condemning, and when I can view the world as innocent despite even serious imperfections, that thought actually makes me feel at peace.


I think my Dad was actually drawing on or taking remembrance from his old days as an Anglican when he's talking to me about religion now, because Anglicanism may just happen to work better than the Mormonism he raised me with.


So yeah, seeing all the wrong my sister did with her life, and still viewing her as innocent, at least, today, has brought me peace.

Just hearing the admission that the church got something really wrong in the decisions it was making is good for my mind to hear.


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In a recent post, I pointed out how antipsychotics are not an actual cure for schizophrenia and that antipsychotics are not even 100% necessary to recover from schizophrenia.

On the other end of the argument, I will point out my own experience that I've realized with meds:::

My medications DO help regulate my emotions, it seems like.

No, they don't stop me from hearing thoughts. In that sense, I am still "hallucinating" (although that all might depend on if you are willing to accept there's a spiritual reality to the thoughts I hear).

What the paliperidone medication does for me is it "flattens out" my emotions.

I can tell because pretty much every Saturday every 3 weeks before my Wednesday Injection my emotions are likely to go "haywire", for lack of a better term.

It's like that Saturday is when the injection wears off and I need to take one of my pills,

because on the Saturday before the next Wednesday Injection I'll start feeling emotions, like extreme happiness, or depression, or anger, or who knows what.

Anyway ------- I'm just letting it be noted here on my blog that I do recognize the drugs do have value for flattening out my emotions.

This last Saturday I actually started feeling an authentic anger over how I can't seem to be paid for any of my work, and other ways the world makes no sense ----- so I took a pill, and my emotions flattened out again.

In my mind, I know very much what the problems are::: I just don't really care, especially emotionally, while I'm on anti-psychotics.

I have to not care or feel emotions about it, because if I do start getting too emotional about how wrong the world is, well, we'd rather not see me get back into that state again, I'm sure most people would agree.

The world is an absolutely messed up place. And the whole reason I do my meds is so that I don't care about how messed up it is. I become apathetic.

That is actually the desired result --- because if I started to care as much as I have in the past, that's when people start having problems with me. When I have problems with people, people start having problems with me, basically.

So, I just take a med so I don't have to worry about how &#*$ed up the world is.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Where is the logic?

My Dad can't even try to care about things on my mind that I might want to discuss, so I'm going to try to talk about what's on my mind here.


1) I was one of the smartest students at school.

2) I think I became a target because of my high grades, so my life became miserable.

3) The LDS Church told me I'd witness and perform miracles.

4) Members of the LDS Church mistreat me, and the misery of life gets to me, so I descend into despair and my grades drop.

5) The church sends me to a psychiatrist where I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, especially because the church started me to believe I could work miracles.

6) At some point, a top church leader announced that intellectuals are a threat to the church.

6) I am being drugged for my belief in miracles, in an effort to try to increase my grades, and the church supports this. (which is weird because you'd think the church would want me with low grades and a strong belief in miracles ---- this is kind of counter-intuitive how they are treating me)

7) Actual science indicates that antipsychotics (drugs) do not actually cure schizophrenia --- so it's weird that the church wanted me to believe in something, started forcing me on drugs for believing it, and then the drugs aren't even really a cure.

8) The church stake president who became an area 70 tells me that antipsychotic drugs are a special blessing for my mind.

9) I am confused by this because the drugs are unhealthy, they don't actually cure schizophrenia, and the church told me to believe those crazy things in the first place. Heck, the church was the reason I was depressed.


Anyway ---- it's just really confusing.


I'm not quite actually sure what it is the church really wants. (The LDS Mormon Church).


They want me to believe in miracles.

They want me to be dumb.

So I believe in miracles and I become dumber.

Then they forced me on drugs for believing in miracles in an effort to increase my grades.

The drugs are not an actual cure for schizophrenia.



I am just really confused::::: it makes absolutely ZERO sense the decisions the church is making.


You can recover from schizophrenia::: and drugs aren't even 100% necessary to do this,


and at this point, the cure for schizophrenia largely seems based on just getting away from the LDS Mormon Church.


I don't know why drugs were so necessary for me to be fixed of schizophrenia when all I really needed was an intellectual understanding that the church wasn't really helping.


It's just weird how being too smart was wrong, but I was forced on drugs for becoming dumber -- and the drugs aren't even a cure!!

That is just a bit strange.


Anyway, I hope I have clearly depicted with this writing just how wrong things are.


There is just something so wrong with the church and even society in general when this sort of thing is what goes on.


It makes zero sense.


But hey, this a church that:

a) Tells you to be like God/Jesus
b) God and Jesus cannot look upon sin with any allowance so they destroy cities for their wickedness.
c) A priest's and teacher's duty is to make sure there is no iniquity in the church.

and

D) YOU ARE REQUIRED TO FORGIVE ALL MEN!!!!


Yes!!! What the hell????


To be honest, it's clear why I became schizophrenic and lost my mind I think. And I am recovering now that I understand how wrong life and society is.


So it's just too bad that my Dad can't let me speak freely about this at home, and my Mom and Sisters and their families go around seeming to have no clear idea how messed up these problems are.


I just don't understand.


It's like someone really, really screwed up somewhere.


It's like AiSH is just here to help and compensate me because I was born into idiocy and I'm not really allowed to change anything about it. Huh.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

I Don't Use Linkedin

Four days ago I received a supposed e-transfer which looked pretty wishy-washy and I wasn't too sure if it was real. When I clicked the link, the link was real, but the transaction had been canceled.

Yesterday someone tried to connect with me at the same email address with a valid Linkedin connection of some kind. I did not recognize the name of this person.

I do not use Linkedin.

I did not know what the Interac e-transfer was for.

I did not recognize the name.

For all I know, someone else was handing out my email address again.

If you want to contact me about something, like paying me for work::: then send me an email to explain what's up --- it's that simple. It'll become apparent very quickly if I'm not even the right recipient.

Or, you can send me bitcoin anonymously at my donation addy. No one has done that yet.

I may have been a really really good student up to grade 11 ----- but I stopped being "professional" when a very severe mental illness hit me. I'm recovering, but I am currently discouraged at how hard it is to get paid for anything I do.




Are there reasons why I might get paid? Yes ---- I recently learned some new more recent statistics about sales at OUYA (if these stats are true).


One thing I know about the new stats is this::::

If they are true, then EITHER:

1) Something wasn't reported correctly
2) My games sucked really bad
3) Maybe people just didn't like me


What other explanation could there be that could reconcile the new stat I learned with how my sales report performed?


But, truthfully, I screwed up so badly in so many ways as an OUYA developer. In the end, I always seemed to fix the problems ---- but I wasn't the greatest, obviously.


But:::: if the new stat I learned is true and option 1) is what happened, then maybe that explains why I'd get an e-transfer like that out of the blue. Maybe.





I'm not sure if this last thing is really worth commenting on:::


But a video on Youtube has helped me understand that writing my books was like a calling and writing my video games was somewhere between being a hobby and a calling -----

which means I wasn't likely to really get paid for those things.


You get paid for doing a job.


My books were more of a calling and my games were like a hobby.


Somehow the person who made the Youtube video just knew what I did fit into a category that wouldn't make money.


The payment I suppose I received (even according to this video) for my calling was apparently the extreme happiness I mentioned in my last post. That's apparently how it works.




And I could go on to talk about other things on my mind, but I don't think it's important to yammer on and on about things Youtube has taught me about psychology here. So I won't. But it's an interesting topic.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

High Happiness Levels

I wondered if what was on my mind was really important to mention on my blog, so I asked my Magic 8 Ball if I should talk about this::: it said: "Yes Definitely".

Last night and this morning I was having "discouraging" thoughts of how in so many ways it doesn't make sense that I'd ever get married, and it doesn't make sense that I'd ever fulfill my LDS Mormon Patriarchal Blessing.

There seems to be so much against the big change in my lifestyle that would have to take place for me to actually do and complete what was intended when I was younger.

I have grown, very, very comfortable in my current lifestyle.

But I think maybe "God" somehow wanted to encourage me somehow rather than make me think discouraging thoughts,

So all day today I've been having all kinds of happy memories.

Some of my memories are so happy that I actually get a high just from thinking about the good things.

I am so glad I have a lot more good things to think about than bad things.

I have some bad memories. I have not lived a perfect life, and I've had my problems, which I mentioned in an email recently,

but I'm just so happy that I have an abundance of happy and good memories. It's like the negative stuff doesn't matter anymore, especially when, in reality, my negative memories (memories where I fail to perform or achieve properly) are so minute compared to all the great good and wonderful memories.

So, I was basically feeling like I am actually probably one of the happiest or happier people alive.

Part of my memories today has been to make me realize that there was good in some of the bad experiences I had ------ the church seems so wrong, but maybe that's OK.

Like, as far as I am aware, the concept of a person being perfect or self-righteous or holier than thou is actually WRONG.

I had to remember the concept of how being a super-super-good-boy can or is actually frowned upon.

The church teaches that they are trying to achieve perfection --- but if you achieve perfection, what then?

Is it, in fact, possible that the self-righteous-proud-holier-than-thou attitude is actually wrong or a sin somehow? Yeah, I think it is.


So:::: The church strives for some kind of perfection, but they also seem so wrong in so many ways.


Just goes to show something I think.


But there is actually A LOT to learn about God, metaphysical laws, and religion.


It can be so easy to turn it all away and say it's all a load of crap ----- but there is so much more at work that I was aware of when I was young.


Like ----- at one point in my life, when I realized that God changed his mind on an issue part way through a story ------ I was put-off at how God suddenly just changed.


But I've been reading this supposed non-fiction book about prophets and learned that God CAN and DOES, in fact, change his mind.

Like, wow! Mind blowing!!!

That's just my example, getting all discouraged at how God suddenly just changes the policy and then having enough time and more studying/training to realize that God can and does just change his mind.

Not just in Mormonism, but in Christianity as well!!!


So::: I was discouraged about ever marrying or fulfilling what my dreams were from a younger time ---- but I became filled with good memories and benevolent perspectives so now I wonder if God is trying to encourage me through my thoughts somehow.


But::: Actually fulfilling my LDS patriarchal blessing would involve a huge change in my lifestyle, and I am just so comfortable and happy with where I am already today!!!


Anyway, I guess I'm just reporting now that I am living with very high happiness levels and I just feel so good about my life.

I had lots to think about. Probably too much to say on my blog, and you might get bored reading all my thoughts, so above in enough for now, I guess.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Keeping Track of My Credit Score

I logged in to my brokerage account this morning.

They told me they had a new service where they could show me my credit score.

I looked it up.

They told me my score, but on this bank's scale, the score was put just one step above the worst level.

This bank had previously offered me a $10,000 credit card --- so I wondered why my credit score was just one level above the bottom.

So, I went to another financial institution that offers a similar service just to make sure ---- sure enough the credit score was the same ------ except on this 2nd bank's scale I was one step below the top level and three or four steps from the bottom.

So::: different banks scale the credit scores differently.

In one bank I'm in the second level from the bottom, and at another bank, the same score is second level from the top.


Not that I really intend on ever getting a new credit card or going into debt.


An interesting thing about the information at bank #1 ---- the information looked very old.



Another thing:::: At bank #3 I'm always telling them I'm on Unemployment & Disability,

while at bank #1 they had my status listed as Self-Employed.


Kind of makes me laugh to see that.


I'm being recognized, I guess, as someone who has tried. Except for yesterday's wishy-washy-in-authenticity e-transfer, I never really receive much.



So::: I am on Disability all the time, but I tried to work ------- so two different banks have two different statuses on me.


And two different banks look at the same credit score in vastly different ways it looks like.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Excitement and defeat X2

[Darnit, I started this post on my Linux Laptop --- and it crashed part way through. I'm just commenting on how unfortunate it is that twice in the past week I think when I started writing a post on my Linux Laptop that both times the laptop froze. Annoying]

THE ACTUAL POST STARTS HERE

So::: People who talk about the Law of Attraction talk about how you should imagine a cheque arriving in the mail instead of a bill.

I did this for a little while.

It appears to have worked. Sort of.

When the mail arrived today, there was an envelope with a clear plastic window for the address:

and this address had the words "Pay to the order of" printed above it.

Excitement for a moment.

The address looked like mine. But only until a moment of dyslexia wore off:: two of the digits were flipped, and the name did not reside in our household.

So, when the postie came back with more mail, I gave the letter to her so she could deliver it to the rightful owner.


So::: That experience alone was interesting enough. It definitely highlights how your mail just might not arrive. So I was going to write an email about it to friends.


And when I checked my email, and old addy I don't use anymore had a new message sent today in my Inbox.

It was an Interac E-Transfer for $414.00.

Really exciting to get two payments by mail and email which are completely unexpected and completely unusual.

So::: I look at the email.

The name of the person who sent me the transfer looked like a reference to my story of how I believe my grandmother's ghost sexually activated me after she died.

In my book I mention my grandmother's death --- and how I started to first masturbate directly afterward.

The name of the sender of this transfer looked like it could have been referencing that experience.

I told Interac about the message, not entirely sure if it could be trusted ---- I've seen phishing scams in other family members inboxes before, so I wanted to be careful.

Interac never got back to me so far today, but my Dad came home from a trip he went on so I decided to ask him what he thought.


My Dad did not recognize the slang term used in the name as a reference to my grandma story ---- and though the link in the email looks 100% legitimate, he concluded it was phishing.


So, curiosity got the better of me, and I clicked the link.


The link was 100% legitimate.


The only problem is, I waited so long between the sending of the email, the receiving of the email, the report to Interac and then finally clicking on the link ----- the transfer had been canceled.

The link URL looked legitimate. It did actually take me to Interac's proper website. And it didn't ask for any personal information --- so it wasn't phishing in that regard.

The only problem is that whoever decided to cancel the transfer before I clicked the link.



The other problem was that I wasn't 100% clear on who sent me the email, and what it was for.


It was sent to an old address I don't use anymore.  There are very limited choices about who would do that:

like
1) Someone I don't know who was given my addy as a mistake
2) The church
3) my version of the ballerina-girl
4) Avril Lavigne


Not many other people would have known to send to me at that address.

I didn't really use that email address much or for long::: it really is that limited or about that limited in the scope of who would know to contact me that way.


So yeah. Two checks. Excitement. Disappointment.

Dad said the e-transfer was phishing ---- but the link was in fact legitimate. It's just that the transfer was canceled, either because they didn't really want to send me the money - or because Interac might've canceled it when I asked them "What's this all about then?" and they never got back to me about that.


It feels like I'm getting close, kind of. Sort of.

excitement and it seems like I almost made it.


Even the name of the sender of the e-transfer looked like a historical reference in my life if interpreted.

So who knows.

Got my hopes up though.


An e-transfer sent and canceled all in one day. Huh. I was lucky I checked my email that way --- under normal circumstances I wouldn't have seen it for a while.

Self-Determinationism

So, I was just sitting here thinking about my life.

What is my purpose in life?

What am I supposed to be doing?

I thought about all the things I tried to do --- and where I currently am today.



I was a really good student ---- but other students and my own sisters were tearing me down --- and I became mentally ill.

I made an agreement to serve God ----- but the Bishop decided I actually made a deal with the devil and though I was the best priest I suddenly became the worst sinner just because I was doing what I was supposed to.

I was trying to become some kind of psychic rockstar in my friendship with Avril Lavigne ----- but again, I'm not allowed to do that.

I tried writing books ------- somehow I just don't get paid for that even if I was able to identify $10,000CAD worth of pirating theft.

I tried developing video games --------- again, I don't get paid.




What's weird is ------- there is always seeming to be something go wrong with whatever I try to do with my life.


Above I listed 5 things I was doing ------ NONE of them could be successful or none of these things were allowed to be successful.



So::: what am I allowed to do?


To live at home, surviving on the government dole.


All I do is accept disability and live with my parents.


I'm living OK -- not the best, not the worst,


but it's just too bad that I wasn't allowed to live my life doing something else because now that I'm basically forced to just live with my parents there is a problem:::::


I'm not allowed to succeed at anything I try it seems.

But living at home, I'm also not allowed just to talk about what's on my mind.


I HAVE to write emails to the hospital and write this blog --- because my parents hate to hear me talking.


It's just strange if my purpose in life is to sit here living like this --- because what I do here is largely useless and I'm generally just not allowed to talk about the things I'm thinking!!


So, I tried, I list 5 things above that I tried doing with my life ---- all failures for whatever reason,


and the one thing I CAN be allowed to do is useless, and I can't even just talk about things in this environment.



This is basically just my observation that something has gone so wrong with my life. Basically.


I'm not allowed to succeed. In fact:: I'm not even allowed to talk.


Isn't that weird?


I went from the best priest, top student, to be the worst sinner simply because I was doing what I was supposed to.

That is so strange.