Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Feeling Heartbroken

I'm back to feeling heartbroken again.

I feel literally heartbroken.

Not any really big bad events in my own personal life recently,

I just happen to live with memories of how bad things got in my life, and how wrong it was --- and if there was a solution it was not easily found.

And then there's all the evil that happens in the rest of the world too.

It's all heartbreaking.

The reason I'm writing this post is because back years ago, when I was initially introduced to psychiatry,

I was told they would put me on drugs to "make me feel better".

But with all the evil in the world ----- is it really appropriate to feel good about all that evil?

Personally, I don't think so. Something doesn't seem right about that.

I can understand why one wouldn't want to feel this way ---- it's not a pleasant feeling ------

And I heard females are very much feelings-based type people so maybe they are especially bummed out by such feelings --------

But though these feelings of heartbrokenness aren't pleasant ----- it's NOT WRONG to feel this way.

I think it may actually be appropriate to feel this way, with all the evil in my lifetime, and all the evil in the world.

Things went very wrong in my life. I thank God I was given the wisdom to do my best and be as good as I could possibly be ---- because with how bad things were if I wasn't really on-the-ball then things would have been way more screwed up.

Though feelings of heartbrokenness aren't pleasant ---- they ARE appropriate.

Taking drugs to try to feel better about an evil world doesn't fit me very well in how I think.

So it's just kind of interesting how I was being forced on drugs either to a) make me feel better (inappropriate) b) make me disbelieve in God (also wrong) or c) force a change in my behaviour (and what's wrong with this is my behaviour only became that way in response to initially being forced on drugs).

Psychiatry did do me some good  ---- there was some good in it ------ but it wasn't the drugs or the drugging that was the good stuff.

The good stuff was actual logical reasoning and discussion about the issues. Not the drugs.

But yeah, anway ---- I literally feel heartbroken about everything.

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Revelation Novelty

The topic I have on my mind today is one of those things that just helps you know that GOD IS VERY REAL ------- Under "normal reality" such a thing happening would be considered impossible, and as such what happened could only happen with God.

So:::: I've had and heard many complaints against The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints over the years.

I'll just say that they were inconsistent here. No need to explain more.

But in my life experience, I had personal revelation which I later found could be verified in the church, and there was really no explanation for it other than GOD (unless you believe my old Bishop who might've said it was the Devil).

When I was young, long before I was old enough to become an elder (I was an "Aaronic Priesthood Holder") ------- I made, through personal prayer, an agreement with GOD.

Years later and after much study, I found out that this agreement with God MIGHT be one of the Church's Temple Covenants.

I never went to the temple.

And I did not agree to all the temple covenants ---- I agreed to pretty much just one as far as I remember ---------

For the sake of the Church's sanity, I won't print that agreement here, although I did print it in my book, and was later told I was revealing temple-only information in my book (I had no idea it was temple-only information).

So:::: without revealing the agreement here,

All I will say, after years of experience and more learning ----------- Well, the agreement was actually very interesting considering what it was an agreement for.

Now that I know what I know, strange and peculiar indeed.

Back then, when I was talking personally with God making the agreement ----- the agreement made perfect sense --------- but now that I've learned more and have more experience and knowledge ------- I now have every idea that the agreement is actually very strange and peculiar.

And, as near as I could tell ------ it was real.

So, there are points against the Church (obviously) ------- but there are those little magical points that make the Church-God kind of thing stand out as even being somehow realistic ----- although, yes, odd, strange, peculiar.


I don't really follow that Church anymore, I largely ignore them now (mostly).

But in my studies ------- I recently found videos by Jesus-followers, different groups of Jesus-followers, not just one source, but these things can be found in the words of multiple witnesses from different places (online) ---------

I now have a very good idea of why Traditional Western Christianity isn't exactly right.

So:::: Joseph Smith Jr. was on the right track when he wouldn't accept any church ------ because most churches did seem to get it wrong, according to the learning I have.

Joseph Smith's church changed drastically over time ----- and well, I'm not sure he got it right either ------

But the non-Standard Church, though corrupt in its own way -------- did appear to be on to something.

There is knowledge out there about true or truer Christianity --------- so though The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was kind of on the right track, in my experience they kind of also got derailed.

So:::::: To me, this is important stuff ---------

I just wish to tell my readers that they can find the actual truth ------ or more truth I guess ----- but I'd personally say it is kind of an intellectual endeavour, so I'm not sure how God is gonna judge people about this stuff.

I would love to mention my sources in this blog post ------ except I'm in a habit of typically not personally identifying anyone ever (I talk about others in vague terms publicly) ------ so I won't.

Just know the truth, or greater truth is out there.

There are reasons why The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints might've got more right than traditional western Christians (as I now understand) ------- but the church I grew up in still failed anyway it seems.

I guess it might just be an extremely intellectual undertaking, and I'm not sure everyone is up to it.

Monday, August 19, 2019

My Mental Health Update

Well, I can see why I was put on disability and put into psychiatric treatment.

I think I'm like a basketcase.

The other day I said I felt so secure emotionally that nothing could phase me ------

But today the doorbell rang, and that somehow disturbed my psyche.

It was just the mail-person at the door -------

But I went from feeling very secure and confident

to feeling all weird very quickly.

I might be experiencing swings in my emotion:::: a few days ago I felt all mad in one place I was at, but when we left that place I felt all happy again.

Mood swings.

And when I think about my past life and problems:::: the problems of my past are so bad that I kind of feel crazy about it.

Like:::: thinking about how inconsistent and illogical the church was. The whole thing didn't make a lot of sense ------ they had their bits of truth and good information ------- but in the end, the church was an error, in my opinion.

And it drives me crazy just remembering and thinking about it.

I'm kind of like a basket case.

I'm experiencing mood swings I think ------ one minute I was upset, the next minute I was happy ------- One minute I felt very secure and self-assured, the next I'm pretty much anxious.

I'm all messed up.

Compared to many years ago, I'm actually doing quite well,

But I'm looking at how I'm thinking and feeling and realizing I have some bad problems.

It's good to have compassion on people, even those with mental conditions.

Unfortunately, what may have caused my mental condition may have been me being stuck around too many other people with their mental conditions for too long and there was no escape for me.

Being around others' problems can cause problems in your own life I think.

I used to be more or less mostly mentally healthy ------- but I had been around too much problems for so long that one day I just snapped. And I've been reeling ever since.

I'm not ashamed of myself, mostly, I know I lived my life as best I could until I was no longer able or capable of living that well anymore.

I tried so hard. I pretty much did my best ------ my best degraded over time.

and yes, having done my best, in the end it didn't matter (just like Linkin Park's song) except for today-me having memories of knowing I was once so great, remembering my glory days.

It's good to have good memories. Because my bad memories really take me down.

It's just really good to have the good memories.

I have high happy memories and very low bad memories.  Maybe that's why I'm so messed up.

Sunday, August 18, 2019

"Ye Cannot Serve God and Mammon"

A quote one would hear in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I believe the statement is even included in The Book of Mormon is:::

"Ye Cannot Serve God and Mammon".

I initially learned this in the non-standard church's context from The Book of Mormon, and oh boy it was interesting to hear that this statement is also in the Bible.

Of course::: The INTERPRETATION of this statement differs between the non-standard Church and everyone else.

I talked to my Mom about this statement, and she reminded me in her response that the non-Standard church does not interpret this the same way as everyone else.

To everyone else::::

MAMMON is basically like money or wealth, something like that.

Some interpretations of the bible say "Ye cannot serve God and money".

To the non-Standard Church:::::

According to the church I grew up in, Mammon was referring to THE DEVIL, as far as I remember.

So:::: The non-standard church would say you cannot serve God and the Devil ----------

While most interpretations say you cannot serve God and money.

SO:::::: The concept of not working for money while serving God was unknown to me for a very long time.

What I grew up with in the Church was people claiming they served God, even as they worked for money at the same time.

Like trying to find their definition for "forgiveness" ---- it's just weird you know?

Sooooo::::::: It might actually be a good thing that I just live on a disability payment, and all my works have been more or less monetarily fruitless.

I just didn't know for a very long time about how real Christians view that scripture.


Well, I'm thankful that I'm finally getting to enjoy my life, although because my family is still involved in the non-Standard Church, it's kind of difficult to find ways to actually serve God. I just kinda live in my family and do the family thing. Nothing really big going on here anymore.

I want to write about, like I have in previous posts, about messed up my life has been or was::::: but I actually feel like I shouldn't.

I get a specific feeling that I shouldn't write right now again about how messed up what I went through in my life was.

if you want to read about that, you can probably go back a few pages or months on this blog to find out about why it's so amazing how I'm finally enjoying life.

What I think I can say though is that because of my inner-devotion to Jesus, I feel more capable of feeling unphased by so many things, because I know that I must be willing to die for Jesus ----- I'm not intending to die ------- but I must be willing to -------- so thinking about how I could die any day for Jesus, I feel pretty unphased ----------- although this may simply also be because I am enjoying my life and evil surroundings are not readily apparent to me.

Canada is actually a pretty great place to live in my opinion. I am quite happy with the country I am in, more or less, most of the time. Or even all of the time.

Maybe with the church telling me to forgive everything I just don't let anything bother me, ever.

Canada may be a great country, or maybe I'm just conditioned to never let anything bother me. Who knows.

Saturday, August 17, 2019

Two Birthdays

It used to be that every year, on my birthday or thereabouts, someone from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints would come along to greet me for my birthday.

Every year. Without fail. A birthday greeting from the church.

But for the past 2 years ------ no birthday greetings from the church, they don't even talk to me anymore (except for a family friend who invited me to conference).

I got birthday greetings from my mental illness clubhouse both years ---- but nothing from the church.

I wrote an email to some psychiatric friends mentioning this ----- and I thought I knew the reason ------ I had a theory ------- turned out I was wrong.

My theory involved me asking the church a really hard question that they couldn't answer and then they just give up on me.

And though it's true that I actually do have a really hard question on my mind that I have no answer from the church for ------ when I looked at my email records, I hadn't actually asked this question to the church. Unless I didn't look far enough back.

I checked my last two emails to the Church Bishop.

Maybe I asked the question in an earlier email and never got an answer. Maybe not though.

But:::: I did send two last messages within days of each other, and the Bishop did respond to one of them (it was a kind email, nothing really wrong with it, it was basically his validation that he received my message and he understands).

So::::: What were my last two messages that the church received that the Bishop actually understood now about?

I had all kinds of amazing things happening in my life, socially in the world, especially due to my books and video games, and I told him about some of these things in my last two emails.

He responded basically giving his nod of understanding.

And then the church never talked to me again, except for a family friend.

So::::: There was this history of the church trying to control my life for years telling me I'm not allowed to be friends with Avril Lavigne ----------

And what those last two emails said about my experiences said I really did make some breakthroughs in the world ----------

And the Bishop just had to accept, I'm guessing, that past leadership was wrong in their control tactics and that the church had been misled.

I'm guessing that's why they stopped talking to me:::: because they realize I don't trust them anymore.

They were so freaking seriously trying to control me to not be friends with Avril ---------- but to be honest that was actually completely contrary to what the Holy Ghost actually inspired me to do------

So the Holy Ghost spoke to me and the Church went against it ---------

And years later I've got all this stuff going on after having followed the Holy Ghost and ignoring the church ------------

having told the bishop about it --------- he must've realized the church was wrong for me, and then all contact was lost.

Interesting huh?


I have realized a new question that I would want to ask to the church (m parents are never any help on these doctrinal issues) ------- but it's touchy enough subject matter I guess I might as well not explain it on my blog.

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

A Potential Solution to the question of giving to the poor

I was just thinking about my obsession with differences between the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and actual Christianity, and after a short while, I realized something on the question of Selling all that you have and giving to the poor.

If I sold all that I had and gave it to the poor ----- then I myself would also be considered poor wouldn't I?

If I am poor myself at that point:::: doesn't it then make sense to give to myself?

And yes, that basically just means keeping some for yourself.

I understand that this isn't really biblical because the New Testament itself teaches about this a bit differently,

But it's what makes sense to me.

If you aren't already poor, you will be once all your stuff is gone.

Give to yourself then. Keeping some for yourself only makes in this ideation.

Another thing I figured I could mention is this::::

Before making that donation, I had been to the doctor.

I have a mostly benign and cosmetic medical condition.

The chances that this medical condition would ever kill me are really, really low.

But I was urged to seek treatment for this condition.

The government does not pay for treatment.

Treatment would cost about $220CAD.

We were told a local charity might help with the price. My Mom figured that's what I should go for.

And without thinking about my benign medical condition:: over the weekend I gave over half the cost of treatment to charity.

Was that right or wrong? It does make me feel kind of silly------

But it also helps me realize that I'm not really that rich.

And finally, hopefully, the donation will finally be taken from my account today. The banking system is just a bit slow with transactions that take days to complete - isn't it?


So:::: The account has sent the money. Finally. Hours ago (it's 10:24 pm right now).

I was just thinking:::::: If people had given me actual payment for all that I sold:::::::

What would be the best use of that money? To just give it all to the poor, or something else?

I mean, even with the argument that I could keep some for myself -------- there are some questions about how much to keep to oneself.


If I made 6 million dollars selling books and video games -------- and I gave all that away -------- well, here I am, none the better, while someone else now has money ------- and for what? What good would that do?

Like::: If it was somehow decided that I should actually reproduce because of my extreme intellect and good looks ------ I would probably need funding to make that happen.

If I wanted to be useful and help other people, if even just as a food courier ------- I would need to learn to drive ----- I would need to buy a car ------ insurance, gas --------- often times these things are traded for money, so I would need money in order to actually be physically helpful to people.

If God really did want me to be a travelling preacher to the nations as the Church said in my patriarchal blessing ----- unless the Lord taught me to teleport, I would probably need money in order to do all that travelling.

I mean I COULD just give all that money away keeping enough for myself to live on ------- but I and no one else would likely be any better for it.

Having earned money, and having kept some to trade for vehicles and fuel -------- I could then actually do things in the community, if even just to deliver meals.

If I gave everything away -------- then I'd be absolutely useless to people, and I would be praying to God to "beam me up" because I'd have nothing useful to do ----- unless again someone gave ME stuff and I did stuff with that stuff.

Inasmuch as money is not the be-all and end-all of our existence, in order to actually be a useful person in our world, sometimes trading money is necessary to get things done.

But giving it all away would serve SOMEONE or SOME PEOPLE ------ and the person who actually sold all their goods would be out in the dark.

I'm afraid, however relevant that teaching may have been in Jesus' day ------ it really probably isn't entirely relevant to us today. Maybe partially relevant ------ sometimes unloading clutter can be good ---- and giving is good -------- but if I were to be a reproducing and useful member of society, I would need to keep a portion of my hypothetical 6 million dollars just do actually do things myself.

Do you know how limited I am as an individual simply because I've never learned to drive a car and don't have a license? I would be so much more useful if I could get myself and others from point a to point b.

Should I Apologize To Jesus?

In a recent post, I basically called Jesus "Crazy" for his command to sell all that I/we have and give to the poor.

To tell the truth, I already apologized in a prayer.

But why does it seem to me that selling everything and then giving it away would be so crazy?

If we sold our home, we would either be living on the streets or forced to rent somewhere.

Here in Canada, the winters can get very cold. Living on the streets could kill us.

What's the point of renting if we already own a place? It doesn't totally make sense to sell EVERYTHING.

In that sense, it's kind of crazy to sell EVERYTHING and then give it to the poor.

I have three guitars. Each guitar produces a unique sound when playing music on each.

If I sold one ---- then I'd lose that unique sound in potential music I could make.

if I sold all of them ----- then I couldn't play guitar anymore. Heck ---- if someone wanted to buy a guitar they'd be better of going to the store anyway.

I have an Apple II. I find it to be a fun machine to play around with. If I sold it ----- chances are very slim I'd ever see it again. I think Apple II's are great, and it just doesn't make sense to sell it. Why not just leave it sitting in my room? Does that disturb Jesus somehow? If it does, then that does seem kind of crazy I think.

If I sold my modern computers, then I couldn't write a blog, check email or watch Youtube anymore.

If I sold my phone I could easily get lost when losing contact with my family.

I can understand the importance of giving to the poor ----- but selling EVERYTHING and giving it to the poor? That IS a really hard thing Jesus asks.

So, on some levels it's just really hard, on other levels it is downright insane.

I apologized to Jesus already for calling him crazy -------- but selling our home and then renting would kind of be insane, whlie it would also be insane to just live on the streets here in winter.

I'm glad that Youtube channel told us to think for ourselves in a later video, because unless God is going to beam me up, it doesn't quite make sense to get rid of everything I have.

And even then, being beamed up would be quite an adventure and might seem too scary at this point, as it really is a step into the unknown.

I apologize, Lord Jesus, for questioning your sanity.

But what you ask in the Bible IS a really hard thing to do for some of us. (maybe I'm just too rich now, who knows).