Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Pondering These Questions

It's almost 5AM.

I've pretty much been awake all night, I'm not tired.

My mind has been active. Thinking about all kinds of seemingly unsolvable problems or issues.



1) I wanted to serve Jesus, and the church said I would serve Jesus for the rest of my life.

But then the church forced me on psychiatric drugs because I believed in miracles.

So that whole thing went up in smoke, so to speak.



In the past 9 years, I really tried to work for money.

People didn't pay me.

My sisters were unsupportive and my Mom refuses to ask God for help doing this.




So::::

I was rejected from serving Jesus, and I'm not encouraged to work for money.

If I'm not working for Jesus ---- and I'm not working for money ----- then what am I working for?




2) The whole issue of who I should marry or was supposed to marry or whatever like that.

The whole ballerina-girl thing has been full of confusion.

I can say this much:::: The only reason I've ever been given that really made sense about why I wasn't allowed to be friends with the ballerina-girl is because of the mental illness in her family.

Basically::: I am not supposed to marry her mentally ill family, largely because of the mental illness in my own family.

The idea is that two mentally ill families would not produce a good result.



So:::: if I'm not supposed to marry a mentally ill family, then a mentally healthy family would work right?


OK ----- So Avril Lavigne is mentally healthy, and she basically sings about being in love with me.

You'd really think this would have been OK.

But no, even though Ballerinagirl was not allowed because of poor mental health issues ----- Avril Lavigne still won't be allowed despite having good mental health.

I just don't know what to do about that.

I'm supposed to marry a mentally healthy person ----- but apparently marrying Avril would have been too grandiose.

So:::: I'm not marrying someone better than Avril because that would be even more grandiose -----

Which means I'm supposed to marry a mentally healthy person who is unproductive enough that she doesn't happen to be rich.

I have no idea why either.

I have no real idea why it would be so important to marry a mentally healthy person who just happens to be unproductive and therefore not rich.

It doesn't make any sense ----- but that appears to be what I've been presented with. No idea how that's supposed make sense at all. But apparently, that's what whoever is in charge wanted.

So::: not allowed to marry the mentally ill, and not allowed to marry the mentally healthy either because of grandiosity issues.

Yup --- this is too weird.




3) I tried arguing for the Church. I was pro-church for a while.

But I was "wrong" and "rejected" over this.

So I tried arguing against the church I was anti-church for a while.

But I was "wrong" and "rejected" over this stance too.

Nothing makes sense anymore. I'm apparently wrong on both sides of the issue.





So yeah ---- just things of concern on my mind as I sit here wide awake all night.



I wasn't allowed to work for Jesus but I'm not supported in working for money either.


I wasn't supposed to marry a mentally ill family, but I wasn't permitted to marry a mentally healthy family either.


And I'm wrong on both sides of the whole Church debate ---- doesn't matter what side I'm on, I'm just automatically wrong.




Something is soooooo messed up here.


How can I even possibly be a real person or exist? Like::: I shouldn't even exist under these circumstances.  But somehow I do anyway. I have no idea.

Monday, April 22, 2019

What to do

I'm sitting here in the early morning of Easter Monday, and I was just thinking about what I've tried to do with my life and how well it turned out.


To be honest, something is very very wrong.


1) I was a good student
---I was basically hated when I was a good student.

2) I tried or wanted to work for Jesus
---The church rejected me and told me I was crazy. Turned out it may have actually been the church that was crazy, but anyway, I was rejected from serving in the family religion.

3) I'm like Avril's Sk8er Boi --- being friends with the singer.
---Though my real life story is comparable to Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boi song, people everywhere had this complete inability to accept that I could be friends with her --- even her fanclub rejected me, more or less. I was basically the guy she claimed to be in love with ----- but no one was willing to accept that about me.

3) I tried working for money.
---People just didn't pay me ----- as well as my Mom and Sisters were entirely unsupportive and wouldn't even pray for God's help here.



The ONE THING I've been successful at is being considered disabled, going to see a psychiatrist ---- and just living on the government dole.


Everything else I've done so far has received pretty much no support from others.



The only thing I can think of actually trying to DO right now is maybe to learn more music and going busking in the streets.


The problem here is this::::

1) When performing for others, I can get insane stage fright.

2) I can easily lose my concentration.


So there's a chance I won't be any good at all for busking.


But it's something to think about.



It's just kind of weird how nobody supports pretty much anything I've been doing. No one cares about me.


All I can do is "be disabled" and collect limited amounts of free money.


I just don't understand.

Sunday, April 21, 2019

I just realized my failure.

OK ---- so it's very questionable how true the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is, but one of the teachings of The Book of Mormon is:::


That in order to achieve anything in life, you have to put forth the most amount of effort towards that goal possible before God will be willing to help you further.


So, unless you do everything you can, and expend all your options ---- God won't help.


You have to do everything in your power to achieve your goal before God will step in.


I was just finally looking at political party platforms for the last election a bit ---- and I realize I shot myself in the foot.


The Alberta Party said they would retroactively increase AiSH if they got elected ---- and I calculated that this would be worth over $9000.


I did not research this before the election. I did not vote for the Alberta Party.


If my goal in life was to make more money:::: I just screwed myself according to the Book of Mormon.


I know that Church is highly debatable ----- but it is true that The Book of Mormon did contain some good ideas ------- and doing your absolute best is one of them ---------


And I have actually just failed to do my absolute best. I didn't know about the policy --- but then again, I didn't really research the policy when I should have.


Well, I didn't absolutely do everything in my power to achieve my goal, so according to The Book of Mormon God doesn't have to help me anymore.


If I had just voted for and campaigned for the Alberta Party ----- that might've made all the difference. Oh my God.


But then again, it is also true that Money is the root of all kinds of evil ----- so who knows.


I guess I just have to be happy with what I have now. Doh.



UPDATE 5:24PM:::::

Just a moment ago I realized another likely failure::::

I probably just completely misunderstood something about the Alberta Party platform.

I can't say I know exactly what the platform is or how to interpret it based on that ONE article I read earlier today, but I"m guessing it's more nuanced than just $9000 of retroactive payments to aish recipients.

It was probably different --- I can't say I know for certain exactly what they were going for ------


It was just something about $1779 AiSH allowance and something about retroactive something.


But thinking the retroactive part refers to a 9000 dollar payment might be way out in left field.


But I don't really know. Just saying I really don't know exactly what it was. It was at least re-increasing today's AiSH to $1779.

Saturday, April 20, 2019

TRYING to talk to a mental health professional

So::::

A little while back I switched from using my Gmail to using an iCloud address to talk to someone who worked in the mental health clinic about problems in my life.


You know, life has problems, sometimes one just feels like talking about it and getting it off my chest.


Well, today I tried sending an email about how messed up one aspect of my life was --------



And just moments ago, I learned that Apple would not even send the message to my mental health friend, supposedly something about "mail abuse".


I don't know if it's because I've sent too much email, or if it's because it contained "abuse" keywords -------



But yeah ---- growing up I was pretty much abused so much ------ and I'm trying to talk about it with a mental health practitioner -------------



And Apple won't even send the message now.



Everything I said in the message is 100% TRUE or is true as far as I am aware from my experiences.


But it's apparently not allowed for me to talk to my mental health friend about it.


Huh.



I get mistreated throughout my life growing up, I have issues as an adult ---- and now I'm finding out that I'm not even allowed to talk to my mental health practitioner about it. Wow.



This is so messed up.



And no --- I looked at the returned mail ------ it was NOT the hospital that rejected the message ------ it was APPLE who wouldn't SEND the message.



I guess I might have to go back to Gmail to discuss my heartbreaks.




UPDATE::::::


I just had a closer look at the email that said my messsage couldn't be delivered::::


It looks like it was blocked by a Trend Micro Email Reputation Service on the clinic's side ------


what this means is that iCloud servers are sometimes used by some people to send Spam ---- so now the hospital is just blocking the iCloud servers altogether.


That's what it is. It's a server-level blocker that sees that iCloud has a bad reputation and blocks all iCloud messages.


OK then. Huh.

Thursday, April 18, 2019

More or less fixed.

As a beginning note::::

This time, with my Dad and I think my brother as witnesses, I again got the reassurance from my Mom that she refuses to ask God for help making money.

So::: It doesn't matter if I'm asking for a million dollars or just a few thousand dollars::: My Mom absolutely refuses to pray for such things.

She has some kind of religious reasoning based on her Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to explain why ---- except as she was talking about her religious belief on the issue it still didn't exactly actually explain why anyway ----- all she said is something about paying tithing and getting all her great blessings from that -------- apparently paying tithing is the only way to ask for blessings or something, I don't know, she never really explained it.

Basically, it must've been something about how paying tithing gives her great blessings and she won't even bother trying to ask for more ---- something like that.

So yeah::: now my Dad and probably my brother have witnessed her talking about this too.



The thing is::::

As we know, my Mom refuses to ask God for money.

I grew up being very poor.

Growing up was actually a miserable experience.

Also:

If I had wanted to serve a mission, I would need money to serve the mission.

But my Mom seriously just refuses to ask God for money.

Seeing as how I was very poor, I couldn't serve a mission if I wanted to. By not asking God for help, we aren't getting anywhere:::

Also:::

I've had several products up for sale for years -------- and never really made money.

I have all the opportunity to make money, but my Mom seriously just can't ask God for help.

There is absolutely ZERO POINT in even trying to work if you seriously just can't be bothered to even ask God for help.



So:::: There are ways to be become happy and well off. I just happen to be born into a family where the Mother has some messed up religious beliefs that seem to tell her she's not allowed to ask God for help.



And finally, I will also note:::::::


I pray for more than just myself to make money. I pray for my other family members AND MY INLAWS to make money.


And it DOES ACTUALLY WORK.


Today my Sister and her husband received a lump sum payment that allows them to completely wipe out all their debts.


It is entirely worthwhile to ask God for help, and I'm 100% sure asking God does help and has brilliant results ---------


But my Mom just can't seem to accept that asking God for help is the way to go. She said something about paying her tithing being all she really needs to get all her great blessings.



<><><><><><><><><>



As for my guitar::::

A replacement tuning machine arrived today.

It is functionally excellent, and cosmetically it will have to do.

It's almost the same as the original tuning machine, except it's not broken and the tuning key itself is slightly different. But it works.

So I'm happy.

Having taken the old tuning machine of the guitar, I showed it to my Dad.

There are two ways to fix the broken tuning machine itself that we can see are potential options::

1) Unscrew the stripped Cog, turn it upside down, and screw it back in again. This is a potential fix, though we haven't tried yet.

2) Look for a new replacement Cog of the same type when shopping. This might be like searching for a needle in a haystack, but it might be doable.

Maybe:::: Maybe I could try taking apart the other tuning machine I received today and take the Cog out of that if it's the right kind---- this MIGHT work ------- but the issue here is the used replacement machines are slightly different and are more solid so they're harder to take apart I think.


So::: The guitar works, more or less, and I'm happy with that. This is a pretty amiable result, even if I probably voided my warranty.



The guitar does actually seem very, very new, except for the slight damage I found which might have been my own fault.


So::: what did the store mean when they called it "vintage"?

It seems so new, though slightly broken.


It's a very nice guitar ----- either new or mostly well taken care of ---------


Is it actually some kind of vintage old guitar that one can only expect might be broken,

or was "vintage" just a word in the name of the guitar and it's actually new and it's my own fault something's wrong?


it's so hard to know.


Just interesting that it wasn't a corner tuner that was broken, and that there was only one broken tuner.


Might've been my own fault ---- but also might not have been.


Big mystery.

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

A Symptom of my Psyche

So:::: One of the big supposed symptoms of schizophrenia is noticing connections, or coincidences, or secret messages that are supposedly not there or not real.

For example::: the personal connection of what I feel is my relationship with Avril Lavigne was considered to be a likely symptom of schizophrenia.

She was basically singing about me, and I knew this because I knew my own life and how well it resembled her song ---- but nobody else noticed or cared or realized it.

This happened quite a bit for me.




And it happened again this evening.




I think one of the rules of my blog service provider is that I'm not allowed to just copy and repeat news stories from other sources.



But I will say that there was an item of information in the news on tv today that got me really thinking about myself.



The elements of the item of information were this::::


A trip to a British island.

A person whose name had some resemblance to my own name.

And another person's name which had a resemblance to a recent set of events in my life --- which I will explain.




So:::: Seeing this item of information on the news made me a bit hysterical or whatever for a little while ---- and of course my Mom was basically just telling me it's just a coincidence and its meaningless.



So::::


Here's what it means to me::::


I think the British Island being involved might simply be a reference to the fact that there's someone on Youtube I like watching from one of the smaller islands::: The Isle of Wight. It's just an interesting thing about me::: this person's videos help me fall asleep at night.



Of course, the item of information that resembled my own name is important as it's basically the identifier for ME.


The other name mentioned::: however::: I won't say exactly what the name was, but I'll say:::::


It was basically like a two-pronged reference to two currently occurring things in my life at the same time. Two birds with one stone if you will.


Like I said in a past post::: I received the guitar I ordered:::: and somehow the B String wasn't working ---- the B-String-Tuning-Machine was busted.


The other prong is that my sister got into Bee Keeping a while back, currently, she is in the process of getting a new Beehive.



So:::: No b-string ----- what about "no bee sting"? It's kind of a similar funny play on words.


There's also another element to this thought:::: No bees ------ No be es. Yeah. Religion can seemingly get highly corrupted with BS ----- so no b string, no bee sting, no bees, no be es.



Yes ----- it's just a big play on words going on in my mind, and it's all inspired by the elements of information in something I saw on the news --- which I can't itself talk about because I'm not supposed to copy and repeat other news sources if I remember the rules correctly.



My own personal news story here is that I'm having one of those schizophrenic moments again, where it's highly coincidental and even seems meaningful ------------ yeah.

Also::: if playing my new guitar is like playing a Bass Guitar without the B String ----- then there's also the element of how it's either an "ass" guitar, or it's an "ace" guitar ----- perhaps a reference to how I aced my Grade 9 Math Provincial Final exam or something. Who knows ---- at school I was considered an ace student for quite a while, I was one of the best.





I will now write a bit about how I might or might not blame myself for my new broken guitar:::::


How might I blame myself for the problem with my guitar????


I had just received a new guitar, I tried attaching my guitar strap to the new guitar, I guess it wasn't fastened entirely properly and I guess I did something wrong, there was a disconnect, and the guitar fell and hit the floor.


That's my confession. Combined with clumsy handling, I may also have just not properly fasted the guitar strap.


That's how I MIGHT blame myself -------



but there is a problem with this explanation.


The fact that it was the B-STRING-TUNING-MACHINE that got broken ---- and NOT any of the other tuning machines.


There's a logical problem here. I have to play detective I think, because really:::::

The B-String tuning machine is the tuning machine that sits on the right side of the guitar (facing the guitar standing up) and it's IN THE MIDDLE of the two other machines on that side of the guitar.


LIke, if me dropping my guitar damaged the MIDDLE tuning machine rather than a tuning machine ON THE CORNER ------ Something doesn't totally make sense here.


It doesn't seem likely, it doesn't seem logical, that the tuning machine that should not have hit the ground first was the one on that got damaged.


I mean, really, depending on how the guitar hit the floor ---- You'd really have to think that it would be a CORNER machine, either top corner or bottom corner --- that would have taken the damage -------



But somehow, by some unknown cause ------- the one in THE MIDDLE took the damage and the two corners are perfectly fine.


It just doesn't make sense. If me dropping my guitar just once from a mistake broke that tuning machine ---- why isn't one of the corners broken????


It's just REALLY UNLIKELY that my simple falling spell broke the middle machine without harming one of the corners.

It's just REALLY REALLY unlikely. It doesn't make sense.


If I had damaged this guitar by carelessly dropping it to the ground ------ the most likely damage would have been to a CORNER tuning machine.



Except it's the B Machine that's damaged. and the B Machine IS NOT on the corner.



It just doesn't fully ad up.



There is some possibility may be that some force of inertia might have jostled the B machine, and then when I tried to tune it then stripped and broke.  That's my other best thought about this.




Anyway, the point of this second part of this post is mostly just to say that if I did break my own guitar, my explanation is that I just didn't secure the strap properly and I handled my guitar a little stupidly.


An easy beginner's mistake.




I can feel dumb about it -------- but what makes me feel happy is that I was smart enough to buy the cheap guitar instead of a more expensive guitar -------


So that means breaking the guitar feels less bad, and if I do decide to repair it myself, I already have every idea that the new guitar plus repairs is still cheaper than the more expensive guitar would have been.


I basically saved myself some grief by buying the cheaper guitar ----- I'd feel worse if I had bought a more expensive guitar and broken that ------- I can feel better about breaking a cheaper guitar rather than the expensive one.


Every cloud has a silver lining, they say.




UPDATE::::::

I guess I might as well finally mention this, like I mentioned this on Facebook already:::

When I was shopping for replacement Tuning Machines, the "same model" tuning machines were referred to as "vintage".

I looked at the website's webpage for this guitar I bought::: Yes ---- this guitar is referred to as a "vintage" guitar.

There are two sorts of related camps on the internet about what a "vintage guitar" is.


One camp believes that the guitar comes from a High-Quality time of production. ----- this would be true about this guitar, it definitely does seem like a high-quality instrument.


The other camp believes that the guitar is probably an OLD guitar. And actually ---- considering the little imperfection such as the broken B-Tuner ------ this might very well be the case.



So it might just be that I bought an old, high-quality guitar that was sold for cheaper because it was expected it might have a problem. That makes sense.


But yeah ----- "vintage" does typically mean that it's higher quality (which is true in my case) and that it comes from an earlier date in history ------ which is also very likely true considering the broken part.


Because the broken part is a middle tuning machine and not on the corner, I feel pretty confident that this guitar arrived already-broken rather than me accidentally busting it myself.


If I had busted it myself, I would expect it would have been a corner that would have gotten broken. No broken corners.


It must just be an old guitar that arrived this way, I'm guessing. Now I don't feel so bad.

Last Night

So::: The election results are in.

I'm not really disappointed, I had every idea and expectation the province would go this way. I didn't even try to pray for anything different ---- there are times when you just have to give people, or the people, what they want.



But what I was praying about last night is a bit more of an extension of my latest blog post.


In my last blog post, I mentioned some rules the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints had in my life, and how wrong those rules were,


but for a big element of the story in my life is this:


I wasn't perfect, so I prayed to God when I was young for the forgiveness of my sins and the granting of my exaltation ---- and I dealt with Him for this to happen by offering my whole life of servitude:::


Forgive my sins and grant my exaltation in exchange for a lifetime of service.



Interesting thing:::: The church did not want to forgive my sins, the church did not want to grant my exaltation, and the church did not want my lifetime of servitude.



So I'm wondering how this church has "the gospel", what "the gospel" really is, why it is a "gospel" ---- and why the church goes around doing all that missionary work if they wouldn't just forgive me of my little sins and allow me to serve Jesus.


I offered my whole life, and they still rejected me anyway.


yeah --- something isn't making sense about this church.


In almost every discussion I have on the church now, often the logical conclusion that can be drawn is that the church just is NOT actually true.



So:::: I prayed to God about this last night.


I'm not even going to tell what God said to me::::: In the past when I've tried explaining what God says, someone will just end up disagreeing. I mean, God says what he says, but sometimes The Church feels that what God says is actually something they'd like more license with.


So::: there is very little point trying to discuss what God said since someone is bound to disagree ----- especially in a church where they like to say the Bible is wrong.