Friday, August 23, 2019

Nope

I looked at Ultra.io again and saw they are getting into business and accepting new developers,


so then I felt REALLY encouraged to start again.


so I thought I would accept my bank's pre-approval.


Problem:::: I have a hard time knowing if I should tell them I'm disabled or self-employed.


One bank views me as self-employed, the other as disabled.


My own confusion in filling out the form might've inspired them to withdraw the pre-approval.



So::: I'm considered Disabled ---- but I am also Self Employed -------



But "Disabled/Self-Employed" is NOT an option.



There is "Disabled/Unemployed" and "Self-Employed" ------- and I'm just not sure which to choose because I haven't made money from my actual work yet -------




So, my application to borrow money, even from a pre-approval, was already rejected.


It's just kind of confusing. Well, maybe I can borrow from that other source I mentioned at an even better rate.


Oh well. Too bad for me and the bank on this I guess.


I get my income from disability, but I do work, but not make much money from work so far, so just confusing.

Feels Like Encouragement

I got some mail today.

Just like last year, this year I received another one of those local Albertan Construction Supply Catalogues.

The address on the Catalogue even refers to me as "Proprietor". Someone is actually aware of me.

Anyone who knows me knows that construction, so far, has not been my forte.

I have only about ten or eleven dollars in my bank account right now --- and I have a bit less than ten dollars in cash.

But ---- the Bank also wrote to me today to tell me they are offering me a big loan at a decent interest rate.

I feel like I'm being encouraged to do something again.

I have to say --- after all these years of being unable to actually sell anything, I do feel discouraged about being in business --- when no one was ever really buying --- why would I ever expect that to change?

But then again ----- I am being encouraged. Try again they are saying.

I took only one shop class in all my schooling ---- and I wasn't very good at it, so construction might not be my thing.

But if I used some of that offered debt to buy new equipment ---- then I might feel refreshed again, maybe even enough to try another game and try to sell it. Maybe. I have no real ideas right now.

There is another non-bank source I could also try borrowing from that might offer me an even better rate --- so it's possible.



I'm happy I'm being encouraged to work. That actually makes me feel good.

I could probably find something to do if I thought about it hard enough --- like if I built another video game --- and this time I'd be able to make my own in game music with my own guitars! yay!


Going into debt doesn't sound like much fun to me ---- but then again ---- rather than wasting lots of time to save up for necessary equipment, why not borrow and get to work right away?


That's the big conundrum. Borrowing isn't fun, but it allows you to do stuff faster.


I'll have to think about this stuff ---- I don't have any big ideas right now except to maybe re-do my Bananatree games --- but if I get an idea for a project, who knows, maybe I could get back to work, especially with encouragement.


My Dad says it's good to work. I agree. It's just too bad that I'd be going into debt to do it.

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I have a NUC I wrote a bit of a review for on this blog.

For a long while I used the NUC as a home server.

Then, more recently, I decided I would install android x86 on the NUC and see how it ran my games. It worked with what I tried, and that was fun and exciting.

But even more recently I decided I wanted to use my NUC as a desktop so I installed Ubuntu 18.04 on it. This is the first time I've used Gnome 3.

I have to say, Gnome 3 is actually really quite impressive to me, despite its differentness and simplicity.

And then I decided to install some choice software on my NUC ---- someone like my Mom would never be able to do what I do.

My Mom and Dad often need my help to push a button three times in order to watch tv ----- so the amount of configuration that went into installing this Linux software would probably be too much for them especially my Mom.

Anyway ---- computers are more of my forte ------- so I'd probably think about developing software again, I guess.

It would be nice if my Sister could help me with game art or something though --- because she can draw and paint ----- although, now she's busy taking care of kids and beekeeping -- I'm quite proud of her for that ---- but if I am to be a successful video game dev, she might need to help with artwork. That WOULD be nice actually.

I often have bad memories of my childhood with my sister, but as an adult, she's really quite a lot more likeable. Doing a project together might be fun.


It's just the going into debt part. I don't want debt. but it might be necessary.



You know what???? My life has been such a mess ------


And it feels SO GOOD to actually BE ENCOURAGED to do something. I just had a memory of other people encouraging me back a while ago too.


For a moment, now, I'm starting to feel driven to do something again. I'm feeling hopeful. But I feel crazy about going back into debt --- even though that's the only option that makes sense.


With how bad my life was, you'd think people might not like me, but if I'm actually encouraged to work ------- then that does feel good. It might be worth it.



I'd have to make sure this offer from the bank is the right kind of offer. it might be OK --- but I don't know for certain.



I programmed a debt calculator. If I were to take a loan, if I never got paid for my project, it might take me a couple years to pay the debt back.


Is that stress worth it?


But I have to admit --- it might be better than doing nothing.



I might fear people don't like me ----- but then again, I feel encouraged.


I have to think about it. So much to consider. I've got time.



I just feel crazy about going back into debt. I spent so much time and effort digging my way out ---- but money isn't everything ----- and in Christianity, you could be left with nothing anyway ------ so it could be worth a try.



Another problem is not having an ideas right now. Ideas can come, so it might just be about taking the first steps.


I feel crazy about this. Nervous.



Maybe I'm just reading into a construction catalogue too much. Seeing things that aren't there. Who knows.

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Seeing Things

What I'm about to say is the kind of thing I would hear in Church Lore all the time growing up --- I heard it so much it was pretty much second nature to understand that this is how reality is meant to be.


Of course, this kind of thing is also exactly the kind of thing Psychiatrists would force you on drugs over ------ they didn't believe in the magical or miraculous occurrences ----- I'm fine with both "magical" and "miraculous" to describe such things, but I know some people don't like the word "magic".


OK ----- so this sort of thing is something I've been recording in my writing pretty much ever since I wrote Letters to Whomever.


I tend to believe a lot of the lights I see are just headlights from passing cars. That's my safe assumption.


If they aren't just headlights from passing cars ---- then I am a very haunted man indeed.


Anyway ----- Over the past few weeks, I guess following the bad feelings from church my Mom was having ---- the bad feelings left (except for the heartache I reported earlier, but my Mom seems to be feeling better) ---------


Well, again I've noticed things like lights in my room ----- and they are most noticeably there when they disappear.


What I mean is ---- there will be a light in the room, but I won't realize it until it's gone. And then I am spooked.



I've made some progression just this evening in these kinds of sightings.



I sat down on my bed in my dark bedroom and grabbed my iPad to play with that -------



But then I noticed my bedroom was half-filled with fire.


Only for a moment though.


The best I can describe it as was fire. It was a big orangy firey light, taking up half my bedroom.


But it disappeared as quickly as it appeared.


Really strange stuff.


Maybe I shouldn't say it on my blog, as Mormons would say ----- but I've got nowhere else useful to put it.



Besides ----- these kinds of stories were second-nature when I was growing up in church ------ so I guess I might as well share too, as so much was shared with me.



Growing up in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ----- this is exactly the kind of thing you would EXPECT to happen ------ not just some brain chemical theory.



So yeah ---------- this stuff has been going on for a very long time ------- but this evening something a little bit different happened --------- momentarily my room was half-filled with fire ----- not a white light this time.


I wonder how this stuff will progress.

Feeling Heartbroken

I'm back to feeling heartbroken again.

I feel literally heartbroken.

Not any really big bad events in my own personal life recently,

I just happen to live with memories of how bad things got in my life, and how wrong it was --- and if there was a solution it was not easily found.



And then there's all the evil that happens in the rest of the world too.



It's all heartbreaking.



The reason I'm writing this post is because back years ago, when I was initially introduced to psychiatry,

I was told they would put me on drugs to "make me feel better".


But with all the evil in the world ----- is it really appropriate to feel good about all that evil?


Personally, I don't think so. Something doesn't seem right about that.


I can understand why one wouldn't want to feel this way ---- it's not a pleasant feeling ------


And I heard females are very much feelings-based type people so maybe they are especially bummed out by such feelings --------


But though these feelings of heartbrokenness aren't pleasant ----- it's NOT WRONG to feel this way.


I think it may actually be appropriate to feel this way, with all the evil in my lifetime, and all the evil in the world.



Things went very wrong in my life. I thank God I was given the wisdom to do my best and be as good as I could possibly be ---- because with how bad things were if I wasn't really on-the-ball then things would have been way more screwed up.


Though feelings of heartbrokenness aren't pleasant ---- they ARE appropriate.


Taking drugs to try to feel better about an evil world doesn't fit me very well in how I think.


So it's just kind of interesting how I was being forced on drugs either to a) make me feel better (inappropriate) b) make me disbelieve in God (also wrong) or c) force a change in my behaviour (and what's wrong with this is my behaviour only became that way in response to initially being forced on drugs).



Psychiatry did do me some good  ---- there was some good in it ------ but it wasn't the drugs or the drugging that was the good stuff.


The good stuff was actual logical reasoning and discussion about the issues. Not the drugs.




But yeah, anway ---- I literally feel heartbroken about everything.

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Revelation Novelty

The topic I have on my mind today is one of those things that just helps you know that GOD IS VERY REAL ------- Under "normal reality" such a thing happening would be considered impossible, and as such what happened could only happen with God.


So:::: I've had and heard many complaints against The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints over the years.

I'll just say that they were inconsistent here. No need to explain more.

But in my life experience, I had personal revelation which I later found could be verified in the church, and there was really no explanation for it other than GOD (unless you believe my old Bishop who might've said it was the Devil).


When I was young, long before I was old enough to become an elder (I was an "Aaronic Priesthood Holder") ------- I made, through personal prayer, an agreement with GOD.


Years later and after much study, I found out that this agreement with God MIGHT be one of the Church's Temple Covenants.


I never went to the temple.


And I did not agree to all the temple covenants ---- I agreed to pretty much just one as far as I remember ---------


For the sake of the Church's sanity, I won't print that agreement here, although I did print it in my book, and was later told I was revealing temple-only information in my book (I had no idea it was temple-only information).


So:::: without revealing the agreement here,


All I will say, after years of experience and more learning ----------- Well, the agreement was actually very interesting considering what it was an agreement for.


Now that I know what I know, strange and peculiar indeed.


Back then, when I was talking personally with God making the agreement ----- the agreement made perfect sense --------- but now that I've learned more and have more experience and knowledge ------- I now have every idea that the agreement is actually very strange and peculiar.


And, as near as I could tell ------ it was real.



So, there are points against the Church (obviously) ------- but there are those little magical points that make the Church-God kind of thing stand out as even being somehow realistic ----- although, yes, odd, strange, peculiar.



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I don't really follow that Church anymore, I largely ignore them now (mostly).


But in my studies ------- I recently found videos by Jesus-followers, different groups of Jesus-followers, not just one source, but these things can be found in the words of multiple witnesses from different places (online) ---------


I now have a very good idea of why Traditional Western Christianity isn't exactly right.



So:::: Joseph Smith Jr. was on the right track when he wouldn't accept any church ------ because most churches did seem to get it wrong, according to the learning I have.


Joseph Smith's church changed drastically over time ----- and well, I'm not sure he got it right either ------


But the non-Standard Church, though corrupt in its own way -------- did appear to be on to something.


There is knowledge out there about true or truer Christianity --------- so though The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was kind of on the right track, in my experience they kind of also got derailed.


So:::::: To me, this is important stuff ---------


I just wish to tell my readers that they can find the actual truth ------ or more truth I guess ----- but I'd personally say it is kind of an intellectual endeavour, so I'm not sure how God is gonna judge people about this stuff.


I would love to mention my sources in this blog post ------ except I'm in a habit of typically not personally identifying anyone ever (I talk about others in vague terms publicly) ------ so I won't.


Just know the truth, or greater truth is out there.


There are reasons why The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints might've got more right than traditional western Christians (as I now understand) ------- but the church I grew up in still failed anyway it seems.


I guess it might just be an extremely intellectual undertaking, and I'm not sure everyone is up to it.

Monday, August 19, 2019

My Mental Health Update

Well, I can see why I was put on disability and put into psychiatric treatment.

I think I'm like a basketcase.

The other day I said I felt so secure emotionally that nothing could phase me ------

But today the doorbell rang, and that somehow disturbed my psyche.

It was just the mail-person at the door -------

But I went from feeling very secure and confident

to feeling all weird very quickly.

I might be experiencing swings in my emotion:::: a few days ago I felt all mad in one place I was at, but when we left that place I felt all happy again.

Mood swings.



And when I think about my past life and problems:::: the problems of my past are so bad that I kind of feel crazy about it.


Like:::: thinking about how inconsistent and illogical the church was. The whole thing didn't make a lot of sense ------ they had their bits of truth and good information ------- but in the end, the church was an error, in my opinion.


And it drives me crazy just remembering and thinking about it.


I'm kind of like a basket case.


I'm experiencing mood swings I think ------ one minute I was upset, the next minute I was happy ------- One minute I felt very secure and self-assured, the next I'm pretty much anxious.


I'm all messed up.



Compared to many years ago, I'm actually doing quite well,



But I'm looking at how I'm thinking and feeling and realizing I have some bad problems.



It's good to have compassion on people, even those with mental conditions.



Unfortunately, what may have caused my mental condition may have been me being stuck around too many other people with their mental conditions for too long and there was no escape for me.



Being around others' problems can cause problems in your own life I think.


I used to be more or less mostly mentally healthy ------- but I had been around too much problems for so long that one day I just snapped. And I've been reeling ever since.


I'm not ashamed of myself, mostly, I know I lived my life as best I could until I was no longer able or capable of living that well anymore.


I tried so hard. I pretty much did my best ------ my best degraded over time.


and yes, having done my best, in the end it didn't matter (just like Linkin Park's song) except for today-me having memories of knowing I was once so great, remembering my glory days.


It's good to have good memories. Because my bad memories really take me down.


It's just really good to have the good memories.


I have high happy memories and very low bad memories.  Maybe that's why I'm so messed up.

Sunday, August 18, 2019

"Ye Cannot Serve God and Mammon"

A quote one would hear in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I believe the statement is even included in The Book of Mormon is:::

"Ye Cannot Serve God and Mammon".


I initially learned this in the non-standard church's context from The Book of Mormon, and oh boy it was interesting to hear that this statement is also in the Bible.



Of course::: The INTERPRETATION of this statement differs between the non-standard Church and everyone else.



I talked to my Mom about this statement, and she reminded me in her response that the non-Standard church does not interpret this the same way as everyone else.



To everyone else::::


MAMMON is basically like money or wealth, something like that.

Some interpretations of the bible say "Ye cannot serve God and money".



To the non-Standard Church:::::

According to the church I grew up in, Mammon was referring to THE DEVIL, as far as I remember.



So:::: The non-standard church would say you cannot serve God and the Devil ----------



While most interpretations say you cannot serve God and money.




SO:::::: The concept of not working for money while serving God was unknown to me for a very long time.




What I grew up with in the Church was people claiming they served God, even as they worked for money at the same time.



Like trying to find their definition for "forgiveness" ---- it's just weird you know?




Sooooo::::::: It might actually be a good thing that I just live on a disability payment, and all my works have been more or less monetarily fruitless.



I just didn't know for a very long time about how real Christians view that scripture.



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Well, I'm thankful that I'm finally getting to enjoy my life, although because my family is still involved in the non-Standard Church, it's kind of difficult to find ways to actually serve God. I just kinda live in my family and do the family thing. Nothing really big going on here anymore.



I want to write about, like I have in previous posts, about messed up my life has been or was::::: but I actually feel like I shouldn't.


I get a specific feeling that I shouldn't write right now again about how messed up what I went through in my life was.


if you want to read about that, you can probably go back a few pages or months on this blog to find out about why it's so amazing how I'm finally enjoying life.



What I think I can say though is that because of my inner-devotion to Jesus, I feel more capable of feeling unphased by so many things, because I know that I must be willing to die for Jesus ----- I'm not intending to die ------- but I must be willing to -------- so thinking about how I could die any day for Jesus, I feel pretty unphased ----------- although this may simply also be because I am enjoying my life and evil surroundings are not readily apparent to me.



Canada is actually a pretty great place to live in my opinion. I am quite happy with the country I am in, more or less, most of the time. Or even all of the time.



Maybe with the church telling me to forgive everything I just don't let anything bother me, ever.



Canada may be a great country, or maybe I'm just conditioned to never let anything bother me. Who knows.