Thursday, September 22, 2016

More Sleep Delusions (dreams)

Last night, before I went to sleep, I was praying to God about how I'm pretty much wasting my life, and how I'm unsuccessful and how I'll never get married or have kids or have my own place to live and so on.

Last night's dream was something different though.

I dreamt I was in a Mormon town - and I was watching a favourite crime-based-tv-show with lots of coarse language, and everyone in this Mormon town got really angry at me because of it.

And then I dreamt that someone I once knew was now calling me his future son in law, and I was being interviewed for a temple marriage and everything. Of course, i have no idea of who the woman was supposed to be - there was no mention of her - but basically it was like I was going to get married as a Mormon in this dream.


What are the chances of this actually happening in my suspicion? 0%


I know I was praying to God about a similar topic the evening before the dream, how I'll never get married ----

But if God was giving me a dream where I was getting a Mormon Temple wedding and this guy in particular was going to be my new father in law ----- Psshhht -- chances of this happening: Extremely low to non-existent.


But it was my dream nonetheless.

Very strange.


No idea. No idea why God would give me a dream where I'm marrying in a church I've been trying to get away from.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Bunch of Garbage

So: after saying I was ready and willing to receive the funds at any moment, all they sent me was a boatload of more emails and no funds.

So, yeah, I'm inclined to agree with my family that it was all garbage --- and iCloud even told me it looked like junk to them.

So, me and this big company will hopefully just coexist on this issue. I came first, and it's just pretty cool that they had a similar idea, or liked my idea.



I mean, if I get emails claiming to be from someone important, generally I dismiss it as fraud --- but for a little while this looked like it could have been important.

I remember reading an online article that said scammers and hackers often claim to be real people from real companies to try to take your money.

So::: the facebook identity looked real enough --- but the person claiming to be this person was probably lying.




It's just sad how much scams, and how much crap people have developed into our world.

Oh, and the Bananatree games are coming back online.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Delusions

OK, I just deleted my latest several posts:::: The story line was rather delusional I think - if it were real, it could have been important to me, but no, someone was just playing with me. I deleted the posts because there was absolutely no point in having that much content about something which turned out to be a scam on my blog.


In other delusion news, last night and a night or two ago I was suffering from some serious sleep delusions.

Basically, while I was sleeping, my brain would get an idea that I would absolutely latch onto and believe while dreaming, and this was a problem for my sleep - but when I woke up the delusion disappeared.

Friday night/Saturday Morning I dreamt that I had to finish playing a whole video game before I was allowed to wake up and get out of bed. Problem was: I wasn't playing any video game while sleeping, but my brain kept imagining this educational math problem game that comes with Edubuntu. yes --- that was a pretty bad dream, a bad delusion.

Last night I had the delusion that the Alberta Government was having another election, and this time neither the PCs nor the NDP were running in it. It seemed so real in my sleep, except it wasn't.

And then I also dreamt that one of my uncles died, and the thought of my uncle dying caused me great distress in my sleep, and I was actually mourning - in my sleep.


So, uh yeah. Just sleep delusions and stuff. I guess most people call it "dreaming".

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Computer Things

To continue on with yesterday's timeline where we found something on my desk that shouldn't be there ---

This morning I woke up and turned on my Raspberry Pi --- which is on this desk. it wasn't working properly.

Later this morning I turned on my mac on this desk (the post I wrote last night was on my Linux Laptop on a different desk) and my mac came up reporting that I was now linked to a new apple watch on my account --- although I didn't link any new apple watches, just this same one the whole time.

My iphone is on this desk, my apple watch is on this desk --- something mysterious about a suddenly even-if-temporarily-broken raspberry pi and a new apple watch report on my mac when there is no new apple watch. All on this same desk. Very weird.

What the heck happened? Why is my desk the centre of this weird activity? What was going on?

I most certainly experienced something coming home yesterday and waking up this morning ---- there has got to be an explanation -- but what it is it?

Big mystery. Something not making sense.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Moving Things

I got another one of those coupons from Google AdWords saying I should spend lots of money to advertise on their service. With the recent monetization stuff being talked about on Youtube, with this email, at least I can feel at least somewhat safe about my content. I think.

But, in all seriousness, I had written an email to my old psychiatric nurse a while back, and in this email I discuss how Amazon has also asked me to use THEIR advertising service --- I said to my nurse that I knew that if I paid $100 to Amazon that I already know I probably wouldn't make the money back in sales --- that I'd be more likely to bet with a rich person on how I'd fail and then win from the gambling based on my own expected failure.

Anyway --- it's good I have this blog, because I can't seem to discuss anything remotely worthwhile with anyone in my family.  For years, whenever I've tried to discuss anything of importance to me --- I'm always told to be quiet.

It doesn't matter how much in-my-face the church is with how my mom and sisters attend and how they're forcing my nieces and nephews to believe in Mormon Jesus --- doesn't matter how in-my-face it is, my Dad doesn't want me to talk about it, he doesn't want me to research it ---- and it doesn't matter what I talk about anyway because no one ever wants to discuss anything with me.

So at least I have my blog. And I have my psychiatrist --- but the psychiatrist meetings don't last very long.

But --- the real reason I'm writing this post about today's news is relateable to a meeting I had with my psychiatrist --- or rather, how I didn't have enough time with the doctor so I talked about this the last time I got my injection with my injection nurse -----

Just today I got home from a trip to the zoo I enjoyed with my father and brother. I go to put my cell phone to charge on my desk --- and guess what I find?  A package of my Dad's stuff sitting on my desk. I ask my Dad --- what's this stuff doing here?  He has no idea how it got there..... and no one has any idea how it got there......

And knowing how paranoid my Dad is, he's going to automatically suspect someone was snooping in our house.

Maybe someone was snooping in our house ---- but from experience that our family has already experienced altogether several times before and this is common knowledge among us ---- something magical may have been happening.

I'm glad I saw those poltergeist videos that I mentioned in a recent earlier post, just so I can see something "magical" and therefore it becomes imaginable....

OK ---- So we found an item on my desk that no one put there. No one knows how it got there. Paranoid mind automatically suspects someone was snooping.

But what about that time I asked God to kill me in my sleep (I was suicidal at that time) and God put a book with a message on my desk during the night and no one knows how the book got there? (Book of Finch story in my book).

My favourite coffee cup went missing for a while --- no one knows where it went and no one could find it anywhere --- but the next morning I wake up, look in the kitchen sink, and the cup was right there, even though it had completely disappeared the day before.

I've had a few of my own important items to me just end up completely disappearing and never being recovered --- usually when big moves usually involving furniture throughout the house are made ---- yes, it's annoying that I'd have an important item that goes COMPLETELY missing at these times, but I'm surviving.....

But then more recently there have been items found in our van or house that no one knows how they got there.

We've found a screw driver in the van, special earphones in the house---- stuff just magically appearing in our stuff --- no one recognizes it, no one knows how it got there.

The very recent experience before today I discussed with my injections nurse was how I was riding in the back seat of the van when my Dad took my Mom to work. My Dad drives to the bank, and as he's in the bank, I get out of the back seat into the front seat. My Dad comes back to the van. He asks what all these crayons are doing in the cup holder --- how did they get there? When he left the van, when he drove my mom to work, there were no crayons in the cup holder ---- but as he was in the bank, as I got into the front seat, somehow crayons just magically and unexpectedly appeared in the cup holder. They weren't there before, and they just suddenly appeared even in my own presence, without my really noticing or taking care about it until he mentioned it.

It just seems like one magical like experience after another --- it's the strangest stuff ever, and I have no idea anymore. Life has just been very extremely magical for me---- and the one thing that makes it a little bit reasonable to experience these things is how the old LDS Patriarch said I would witness and perform miracles. Maybe there was some good in Mormonism --- except for how the church then put me on drugs for believing in miracles and wouldn't defend my belief that they themselves gave me originally. So, maybe there's a little bit right in the church, but also something very wrong. And I just can't discuss anything about that with my family.

So: a packageo f my Dad's hobby items just mysteriously found their way onto my desk while we were away from home::: was this somebody snooping, or just a repeat of past similar experiences that seemed so magical? Absolutely no idea anymore. It's the strangest thing.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Elder Quentin L Cook's talk this evening

I lay down in bed, turned on my iPad --- and saw a notification for a talk Elder Quentin L Cook of the LDS Apostles was giving on Youtube this evening.

I decided to watch this presentation, from beginning to end -- I was right on time.

His wife talked about how everyone needs love, acceptance and success.

He talked about how we should set goals, and how to get past dangers in life. I mostly remember the stuff about the goal setting.

I have to say --- they did wonderful jobs giving their talks, with only a few minor slip-ups in their speech.

They definitely seem intelligent.

Elder Cook's talk of setting worthwhile goals and trying to achieve them, to not be distracted by "Saturday morning cartoons" --- definitely made me feel like I'm wasting my life.

Anyway, I can see some level of high moral character in what they're trying to teach. They definitely seem to be trying to do something good.

Considering all the good that's to be done in the world, and how I'm just wasting my life::: how can I evaluate Elder Cook's talk, or should I evaluate his church instead?


OK ---- So I definitely got a sort of impression that Elder Cook is a man of high moral character when I watched the program.



But, one goal I know I would like to achieve in my life would be to become a farmer --- I want to buy land in the countryside, and work the land, and I just wanna grow crops, as something useful I could do with my life.

In order to this, it is practically essential that I learn to drive an automobile. In fact, it's just plain essential that I get my greedy grubby paws on as much money as possible in order to afford this goal/dream.


Problem:::: I have written 3 books and an essay, and have 8 video games:::: And Elder Cook's Church hasn't bought crap from me.

If the church loved, accepted me, and wanted my success, why don't they all just pay the small price I ask for my product?

There have to at least be a million people left in the church --- and if these million people all bought my stuff ---- I would feel accepted, loved, and I would be successful. I would be able to achieve my goal of becoming a farmer who grows crops.

But the church don't give a hoot about me.  Try as I might, the church ignores me, they don't care to love accepr ot help me succeed.




Why is that?


Well, my life was just absolute shit from the very beginning starting off at home with my family -----

And I used to love the church, as it tried to teach morality and good behaviour ------


But eventually, one family bore false witness against me, which nobody told me about to my face for years ----

And though I was going to serve God, the bishop accused me of making a deal with the devil ------

And though either the ghost of my grandma, or my grandmother's demon, sexually molested me right after my grandma died ------

the church punished me for being a sexual abuse victim.


I mean, maybe these true stories seem a little critical, and the church can't accept any form of criticism whatsoever even if it's true, so of course they don't give a hoot about me, and can't help me achieve doing something useful with my life.



So though Elder Cook seems all highly moral about doing good things with yourself ----

It's his own church's fault I'm wasting my life ----- all they have to do is pay me for my work, which they don't, so now I can't farm the land, and I'll never achieve my goals because disability welfare just isn't enough.


So, I respect the church for trying to be morally minded and teaching good things --- they definitely give that impression,


but in my actual experience they have performed SO absolutely poorly, that they can't even just admit a past mistake, and help me on my way to continue to try something else good. They can't admit my story is true or they hate the truth of it, and as such they will not give me the dollar to help me achieve my goals.

If I'm wasting my life, it's their own faults.  They could buy massive quantities of my products at any time --- but they don't ---- so I never get to learn to drive a car.


Want to know why my Dad didn't just teach me or give me the education to drive?  My Dad was very poor. Guess why? I mean, he was self employed, he had useful product ------ People just didn't want to pay him for it.  People's inability to pay money has turned my life into a useless waste of time.


So there you go.  Cook seems like a man of high moral character, but it's his own church's fault I'm wasting my life.

Today's Interesting News

Yikes, I realized a little while ago I mentioned TowerFall (game) in regards to my dating preferences and that today's 9/11.

I didn't mean any disrespect: I noted that the Prime Minister said 9/11/2001 affected many Canadians from coast to coast: and I am included in that.

I was extremely upset by the tragedy, and personally, after all the personal problems I was experiencing at that time, the tragedy was the final straw that caused me to lose my mind and I went barking mad for a long time. I was one extremely messed up person at that time --- I didn't handle it very well.

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I also noticed that Avril said something to commemorate the tragedy today, and then she also said she was preparing her Veggies for Fall.

Sorry, I can't help but see the food reference and the "TowerFall" video game reference as significant --- especially as she celebrated National Siblings Day and then Jetted off to the Bahamas later that week earlier this year ---- She's like my psychotherapist or something, trying to make me feel loved or something.

Anyone who doesn't know: TowerFall is an OUYA/Cortex video game, and my latest video game centres around eating your veggies. I hope no one is offended by me making these references. Bahamas were important because Banana Island is a location in the games I created.

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But the real reason I started writing this post::

Telepathy.

For a while, my telepathy hadn't been doing so good.

Today I prayed to God, asking Him to let me read my Mom's mind.

The first test I did with my mom I got 1/3.

Then I tried again.

I wrote down: C A R

her original was: B A R

------ this is one of the best examples of telepathy I have ever experienced, likely made possible by the fact that I asked GOD for help.

Atheists seem to be very intelligent people and it's so tempting to want to take on Atheist viewpoints ---- but after so many experiences like this, where I can pray to God and get the real help I asked for, I can't really personally be an atheist.

I then tried a test on my Dad and failed.



But something really interesting happened today: Part of my brother's new insanity is that he's taken notice of my telepathy thing, and he's become more of a believer. Sometimes I wonder if he and I have some level of mental connection.   Here's an example of what I mean by that:::

Today, I was pacing between the kitchen and the living room, and my brother was just seated on a chair in the living room. I was thinking, he wasn't saying anything. We were both being quiet.

And I was thinking something that was moderately humerous ---- and the humor I was thinking would be a no-go for Google monetization ----- but anyway, I thought something moderately humerous, and just as I finished thinking it out of nowhere he just burst out laughing. I was chuckling to myself too -----

But that was just interesting, so I thought something I was laughing at to myself, and he bursts out laughing at the exact same moment.  Seemed extremely coincidental.


But another experience like this was a week or two ago when he and I were both silently sitting at the kitchen table. I suspected we may have developed a link, so one of the things I thought was "I'm going to say 'HI', and when I do, you say 'Hello'".  So basically, I just tried telepathically transmitting the idea that I would say Hi and he should say Hello.

I said Hi.

He grumbled a quick "hello", as if he was mumbling.  We didn't talk to each other that whole time other than that.

Anyway, I earlier suspected that he and I may have had a link, but it wasn't a concrete link and I didn't mention it because it wasn't concrete.

But today's laughing experience startled me enough that I'm now mentioning this.


And I'll just say, if I remember correctly --- the first mind reading test I did with my brother worked out well enough.


So, Kreskin and me and my Parents seemed to have driven my brother to being a believer -- which has kind of been crazy for him --- but I do recognize that something might be real, something might be there. -- although, he does seem to need some level of help, even if some of this is perceptibly real.


I will finish this post by saying I know there's more out there, because over a year ago I had been watching Youtube videos of Poltergeists caught on Camera, just objects going flying on security footage for no reason ----- and then the next day I was hanging around upstairs when I heard a crashing noise downstairs in my bedroom. No one had been in my bedroom, but I found that my light fixture had fallen from the roof and that the light fixture's lense was completely shattered. Definitely seemed like a poltergeist to me --- since I had only just watched the videos the night before, and never on any other occasion has something like this happened out of the blue.

The magic is definitely real as far as I'm concerned.

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And I hope no one will be offended at my references to the tragedy, a tragedy that seriously upset me and I ended up losing my mind at that time.