Sunday, September 24, 2017

What Should I Fear?



The above Facebook notification, along with a substantially increased viewership of this blog, and I'm wondering how it is I don't make any money.

Interestingly::: I make the vast majority of my money from the government.

I get paid by the public purse. Private individuals or companies seem to not want to pay me.

Legally, lawfully, the government has to give me my right to Freedom of Speech (Alberta Bill of Rights), Freedom of Expression, Freedom of Opinion and Freedom of Belief, Freedom of the Press etc, these are my rights, and I can use them as I wish.

If for some reason, there is some kind of big problem with me, it would be a private individual, company or corporation with the problem ---- the government is mostly free about this stuff, individuals and companies can be far more constricting I'm guessing.

So, I've obviously gathered some attention with the absolutely seriously too bad life I've lived ----

Anyway ------ in some ways, shapes or forms I could fear punishment or reprisal from whoever for anything I've ever said ---- I realize that's a possibility.

But the government, the lawgiver, the law upholder, has a view of morality where I am mostly free.

People don't want to pay me for my work, or companies deem me undesirable to pay ----- but the government funds me because I have a valid viewpoint based on a lifetime of experiences.

I realize some things I say may seem "off" in some way shape or form --- but my life overall has been very "off" so what can you expect me to talk about?

Of course, I would love to make a lot of money and buy a house and a car and live my life to the fullest ------

But until people start honestly paying me for my work, I will just have to live with what the government gives me, which is enough to live quite comfortably with my parents.

Just so many people visiting this blog and I don't see much or any money from it. Something is weird.

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On the topic of mental illness, I and my brother were both diagnosed years ago with the most severe mental illness in the books:: schizophrenia.

He and I are actually quite intelligent, but sometimes, or on past occasions, our brains just stopped working.  But meds help us get better.

The mental hospital experience has actually been mostly or very good.  In some ways, I might find some doctors may be questionable ---- but the doctor I've had for the past years is a very good doctor and the experience has been very positive.

Actually, the mental hospital is one of the sanest environments I could be in. I am more sheltered as an adult than I was as a kid.

The thing about psychiatry is this:::: a delusional belief is a belief that you have which is CONSIDERED to be false and fixed, generally because most people in your society do not share the same belief or viewpoint.

So, growing up in Mormonism, if you don't agree with Mormonism, then you are considered delusional because you aren't jiving with the society you live in.

It's interesting because Western Society would find many beliefs of Mormon society to be entirely questionable, and vice versa.

So, having grown up in Mormonism in the society of the western world, but not in Utah, I grew up in two societies that had completely conflicting beliefs and viewpoints.

Maybe that has something to do with why I'm mentally ill.

My psychiatrist told me that Masturbation is normal and healthy, that is is actually a GOOD thing to do because it helps prevent serious crime -----

While the Mormon church would try to repudiate or refute this viewpoint because all I ever knew in Mormonism is how wrong and condemnable masturbation practices are.

That is just one example.


So yeah, I'm crazy, I have been diagnosed with the most severe mental illness and there have been times when my brain basically stopped working ------


just realize that in my environment I've been raised in two societies, Mormon, and Western Culture ---- and these two societies definitely do NOT see eye to eye about how things are or should be.

Maybe that explains a bit of the problem.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

My Dream from September 8th and how it relates to real life

On September 8th I posted "A Weird Dream" ---- a story of a dream I had while I was sleeping the night before.

In this dream, I was an astronaut.

Of course, on that day, the next big news was a Gaming Tournament in Montreal called "DreamHack Astro".  That was quite a coincidence.

In my dream as an astronaut, I fought with "a world leader" aboard a space station.



New news.



I learned moments ago that my country (Canada) will have a new Governor-General ---- Julie Payette.


What is included on her resumé?  She was an astronaut of course. And she's from Montreal.



Wow. I am stunned.



I will now note that the world leader I fought with in my dream was not Canadian, Commonwealth, or American ---- but a complete foreigner.  Just thought I'd mention that.


Just interesting stuff. I dreamt something relatable to what was about to happen later in the month.


Yeah. Huh.  Just my commentary on today's news ------ my dream had more than one bit of merit attached to it, apparently.


Wow.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Should I be scared of something?



See the above image?

I took that screenshot just moments ago this evening between 9:40 and 9:50pm.

These notifications indicate that I visited a 7-Eleven store and used my app to get points and all that -----



Except I didn't.


I never visited 7 Eleven today.



This is just from minutes ago, and yet I didn't cause this to happen.



Maybe the app is just really really slow. Maybe that's all it is.


But it kind of freaked me out.




But also new in strange news:::

Twice in the past month, someone or some people from Toronto have apparently phoned me or tried to contact me.

I don't know anyone in Toronto so I would become highly suspicious that it's one of those binary trading guys, who I find bothersome.

I also suspect many times that phone calls are just scams or spams, it's not uncommon ---- so I end up screening a lot of unknown numbers.


If you want to contact me, write an email.




And it's also interesting to note that someone did write me an email today -- an actual email!!

All I should say about that experience was that it was nice that I didn't experience any sort of social anxiety from receiving it ---- I was feeling just fine as I received and read it. No emotional problems. Yipee.




But the main point of this blog post is just to point out what's either lag or some kind of security breach or something where my 7 Eleven App awarded me points for visiting their store ---- except I never visited their store today.



Freaky.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Feeling Uneasy

I said I was a bit empathic right?

Well, in relation to this blog --- which has been receiving many more daily visitations than normal --- I feel very uneasy.

I feel an anxiety kind of --- like butterflies in my stomach almost.


Obviously, maybe I could or should fear some kind of social punishment if I face a choice that I would be wrong to choose either way.


The third choice is just to be neutral, to be peaceful. That's pretty much the only option I can really go for.


My strategy when I was young, and mostly continuing through my life --- was just to do good things, to help people, to try to be a good person.


Of course, morality is (or can be) subjective so what is right for one person is wrong for another.


I didn't want to cause anyone pain for most of my life, or at least I was trying or hoping to uphold a good morality.


Of course, I can't control people, so things go horribly wrong ----- but I do try to be morally upstanding.


After writing the above, I started feeling a lot better, not so much feeling the uneasiness or anxiety.


Maybe I just don't like dealing with large crowds of people --- may be the greater interest in my blog is causing my introversion to feel nervous.


And, I just wonder how I could have all these visitors and none of them can or will fill out my blog's poll in the right column.



Fill out that poll! Or something. Who knows.


yeah. I was feeling some kind of anxiety about my blog ----- but after writing the above, I feel better.


If anything, I wrote this post for myself.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Emails from Publishers

This isn't a big email about some publisher suddenly being very impressed with me and trying to offer me a book deal -- nope.

The latest two emails in my inbox are from two different "self-publishers" who are giving me some insight about things.

One says I need a life coach, or as some spammy email once said I need a mentor. This might help, I just don't like telephones ---- I'm probably just scared of this really. I'm not very social.

The other email explained that some kinds of literature are considered to be "taboo" and have guidelines.



Oh yes ----- the stores, the publishers, and their guidelines.




I couldn't just write a book about my life and be successful at making money just because of how completely messed up my life has been.



As Youtube once told me:::: You can never please everyone.



If you wanna be successful as an author --- don't write about real life.  Real life is too screwed up.



I tried to be a good person in my life, but as I already said ---- it doesn't matter what side you choose, you are wrong.


I could go on and on about how experiences in life can just be so wrong, yet beyond your control ---- and these experiences will make a book about your life unacceptable to someone's guidelines.



Like to a Mormon, any number of things in a text might get them demanding a refund right away. I mean ---- anything can go wrong if a Mormon has to judge your book or movie.





So yeah ----- I just write a book about life, and it's possible that just plain life is against guidelines.




A mentor or a life coach sounds like a good idea ---- I'm just kind of scared, or introverted, not feeling too social, not sure I could make any scheduled appointments because my life revolves around other people's schedules, and I hate telephones.





Of course, it's confusing when for the past week or two my blog has been receiving way more visitors than "normal" ----- and yet none of these visitors are filling out a simple poll on my site.




Maybe everyone's just crazy --- I'm crazy for not being totally able to deal with it ---- and the fact that a book about life would be against anyone's guidelines simply because so many people in life just don't behave themselves.




I'm at a loss with how to deal with certain issues ---- but as things are my life, thankfully, is pretty comfy.



Intellectually I realize having a life coach or a mentor could help ---- but I feel driven away from it by some nature, and I even wonder how appropriate it would be to ask a publisher-hired life coach "what if sales aren't being reported?"




One thing I've learned simply from watching Netflix is that I don't handle confrontational situations, even just on tv or in movies, very well.  I am automatically psychologically repelled from anything that might be confrontational or even to social or talkative.



I actually like not having to talk to people online I'm kind of in a bubble like that.

Remember how I'm wrong no matter what?

Along with the warm fuzzies, I mean, this might seem unbelievable to some ---- but I think I became a little empathic as well.

I can feel when I'm in a good environment, and I can feel when someone is not feeling so good, and well, ------ I like feeling good now, but I can seem to sense when someone is negative.

It's just weird.

Feelings can be bothersome, so typically, I think, men don't like to deal with them ----- but now they are forced into my heart by some kind of psychic stuff (and I'm gonna be wrong because even if some psychiatrists understand about this stuff, history tells me someone won't understand).




Anyway ------ I was brought up in a religious home, and with everything I learned ---- I know that with all the different viewpoints and all the psychological flaws and the different belief systems - that I can't really take a total position on a matter without someone getting upset.


If I'm pro-Mormon, there are various groups who could or would easily get upset with me, even understandably -----


But if I'm anti-Mormon, it looms over me that I could easily then be considered abusive to the women in my family at that point.


I'm not really allowed to take a position for or against with how everyone is not on the same page about all the issues.



There are some good things about the Mormons. There are some bad things about the Mormons.


And another reason, or excuse, to not take a definite position is because Jesus said "blessed are the peacemakers" ------- just to keep the peace I can't totally take a side one way or another.


And I would definitely be wrong no matter what side I chose ---- it's a choice between racism and misogyny at this point.


I'm wrong no matter what.


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With how popular my blog has been, and with the numbers I've seen reported about all the downloads and rip-offs ------

I would question "How is it that I don't make any money?"

The obvious answer the news reports to me is that most Canadians are in way too much debt right now.

And no, they couldn't spend any money, not even a dollar of credit card debt, on my book.




But my mind also sees it another way.




I have some suspicion that I'm actually just not allowed to be a financial success.


Why?


Mental illness.


Basically, jealousy and envy could easily ruin some aspects of my life if I was successful.


My family is quite ill I would believe. With meds we can seem normal ----- but in our natural form, our family is really-really messed up.


My brother is schizophrenic. On meds he is doing OK ----- but I probably shouldn't even try to tell you about how it gets when he's ill.


I'm just saying that my success may affect my brother's mind in such a way that things might become very unreasonable very quickly.


I think I might just be "not allowed" to be successful simply because certain people, most suspected including my own brother, wouldn't be able to handle it very well.


That is what my mind has come to suspect.  I basically have to live with some level of economic equalization, or else the guy who didn't become as successful would further lose his mind.


So it doesn't matter how hard I try ---- I will never fully succeed.




So, that combined with how I'm wrong no matter what I do ----- I'm feeling kind of screwed ---- but oh well.





ADDITIONAL::::::


I remembered a few more points to mention:

Even though other people's psychological state about my success might be a reason to keep me away from success ----

There is another rule my parents seem to have where I'm not allowed to blame or have reasons for why things go wrong.

I mean, obviously things happen for reasons, there's always a cause and effect ------ but in my family, there's kind of this "no fault" thing where no one can be blamed for their inability to perform.


So, my parents wouldn't actually let me blame my brother for my lack of success, even if it's an explanation that makes sense.


The truth is, my brother used to be a real bright guy, he was a good student.


And I do pereceive a reason for why things went wrong for him too ---- but again, this reason would not be allowed.


What is my reason that I think it was?


The Secret --- we create our own realities.


Our family just had really bad name-calling problems in my childhood. I can't blame anyone's behaviour,


But if we do create our own realities, then all the bad words and languages we used to describe each other must've caused something to go wrong.

That is a possible reason, but it's not allowed to be explained or discussed --- there is NO FAULT because no one is allowed to take blame or feel guilty about wha they do.




And another thing to add is this:::


My parents realize I've tried really really hard to sell things, and they know I've had success, just not successful in getting paid,


So they do make it up to me ------ rather than making money from doing actual work that might help someone (the work I did do)

My parents just pay me to go for a walk.


I mean, me going for a walk doesn't do a bloody thing to help anyone, but it has gotten that dumb, where they now just pay me to engage in some physical activity, even though it's not actually useful to anyone but myself ----


while my work that is "useful" or "entertaining" to others somehow doesn't get paid.


I just thought I'd add those thoughts.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

This Never Happens. But it happened.

Today I saw my psychiatrist.

There were two main things I told my doctor about today:

The Warm Fuzzies (it is technically uncommon for the past while to feel that way)

And a lucky streak I had with the lottery, which was very unlikely to happen, probability speaking. I kind of wonder if I shouldn't have talked about the lottery, but I did, so whatever. I was very tempted to talk about that experience with some people.

Another new thing is, obviously, that my blog is getting a lot more visitors than it used to.



But something else happened. And this is also not normal, not typical:


As I walked out of the psychiatric office, into the waiting area, a woman greeted me and introduced herself to me. She told me her name. She didn't tell me her job.  After just introducing herself to me, she went in to see the doctor.


She was dressed in very churchy clothes. I mean, women's fashions can be so complex that I wouldn't know where to start how to compare them to anything, but it was basically a colorful dress, not what nurses wear, and it reminded me of what a woman might wear to church -----


and because I knew a lawyer in church one time, I wonder if lawyers dress that way as well --- but I'm not sure.


So yeah. Just new stuff, not the regular.


1) Warm Fuzzies (it's been a while)
2) Lucky Lottery Streak (holy crap)
3) Website visitors increases
4) Someone introduced herself to me at the clinic today. VERY unusual.


I guess I just got to keep on going.


Oh and with the Mormons seeming to want me back --- something is going on. I guess.