Monday, May 20, 2019

My Own Failings

So over the weekend to today, I was able to think about my own failings.

I looked at 4 big categories in my life and realized I failed in all 4.

1) I failed in my religious life. Although --- the religion was questionable itself in the end.

2) I failed in my school life.

3) I failed in my love life.

4) I failed in my work life.


How much I failed may be a matter of opinion ---- but the reason I say I "failed" is because I did not reach the hoped-for end state.


I also thought today about one stupid bad experience I had, but I'll try to forget it again.


The good news is that I do have some level of "talent" -- or whatever you want to call it.

I rescued my Dad on his computer today.

The reason I got so interested in computers is that my father spent years of his life working with computers throughout his career.

He's getting older -- so I'm not sure he has it all together, and now my help is basically a necessity just to navigate him through some issues which I would personally regard as only mildly confusing--- but apparently too confusing for him.


Sometimes I wonder if I really am not related to this family I've been living with.


We are all different, but in some ways, it just seems like I don't really fit in with the family I've grown up with.



So yeah::: despite all my failures in life, it's looking like I'm the family computer "expert" ----- I'm the only one with the right head on my shoulders for understanding certain things.



So::: I failed in life ---- for any number of reasons ------- but I'm adept enough to be the family computer expert.


The issue was simple for me to fix, but it seems like my Dad's mind was blown by the whole issue.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Psychological or Spiritual Effects of Accomplishment

So::: Today I sat down ---- looked at the sheet music for O Canada again ----- and then realized I had done something wrong when I had originally transcribed the tablature to letter music.

So I did that again.

Part way through the process ---- I DID find ONE error in the sheet music. In ONE spot the Tablature does not match the note music. I went with the note music. (Yes --- somewhere along the way I've picked up some level of how to read note music)



So::: I started practising, and learning, and repeating, and learning more.

I learned the whole thing.


I know how to play O Canada on Guitar now.


And after I finished playing the whole song through, something weird happened:::


One part of me was sick to my stomach, one part of me felt hilarity, and there was a partial loss of concentration.


Is this a psychological or a spiritual phenomenon? Is there a difference?

When I finally fully played through the whole national anthem from memory my body went in three directions ----- as if I was possessed by three ghosts who reacted in three different ways.


It's just so weird ------- I know there's a spiritual reality that's attached to the Law of Attraction that will have effects like this depending on how people treat you or how to treat people or how you treat yourself -------


but it's just so interesting to note how finally, for the first time in my life, having fully played through the National Anthem on an instrument I felt sick to my stomach, hilarity, and a partial loss of concentration. Weird.



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I had more thoughts on the topic of how messed up things were in my life, some of it I think I'll try not to say here because it might be a bit too negative about how bad it got -------


But it's interesting ------


if I rejected my sister's friend because she was friends with my sister ------

And my bishop rejected Avril because she's "too productive" -------

and the ballerina girl rejected me because of my family's mental health issues -------


It's looking like I'll never get married.


I was trying so, so hard all my life to do what I was supposed to. I really was. This can be illustrated with the fact that I received multiple awards and honours for being a or the top student.


But I didn't matter how hard I tried --- Just like Linkin Park's song "In The End" ----- I was trying so hard and accomplishing so much ---------


But simply because my sister didn't follow instructions and that basically drove me and my brother bonkers -------


We fail.


We had ONE member of our family who didn't actually seem to be even trying to do the right thing, and that screwed all of us up. Or at least me and my brother.


I really might never get married.


I tried so hard but received automatic failure anyways because my sister didn't listen to instruction and then drove us insane.



The definition of "forgive" appears to have changed over time in the church --- and they don't define it like everyone else.


The most recent definition of "forgive" was to "not blame".


So, therefore in the church, the worst sin you can now commit is to blame someone for their own actions.


Yup ----- in the eyes of the church, this might seem totally sinful to lay blame ------- but I highly suspect that my brother and I ended up failing in life because of our sister.  At the most basic-root-cause-level, she's probably the reason why.


Although, if the roots go even deeper ---- an even deeper reason why things failed was simply that the church did dick-all to correct the situation in our lives.


The whole reason I joined the church was to teach my sister how to behave.


The church failed horribly to do this. It's like they didn't even care. It was kind of like false advertising, bait and switch.


The simple fact that my Sister was found worthy and allowed to participate in temple ceremonies has been disturbing enough to my brother and myself that we pretty much just quit the church.


If my sister is the type of person they would find totally worthy and allowable in their temple --- then this church is NOT for us.




I will finally note that I talked a while back with my brother about the problems:::::


He and I both agreed that being Terrestrial was preferable to being eternally sealed in this family that had the problems it had.

He and I both experienced the issues, and though he and I were both willing to die for Jesus --- we also both rejected the concept of being eternally sealed to this family. My Sister was the main reason.


So Yeah. Something was just really messed up.



Since my sister was totally allowed in the temple and found worthy ------ we decided this church was not for us.


She eventually became a better person though. It took a very long time.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Introversion and a Loyalty

I'm beginning this blog post as a reminder that I AM INTROVERTED ----- so many phone calls we receive get screened and if I meet someone in person I often have nothing to say. Even if they want to talk.

So::: I'm just not a people-person, I guess you could say ----- A lot of my socializing is done in a group of people in my immediate family group and other necessary areas of life.

Like:::: Sometimes someone who claims to be a beautiful girl on Facebook will friend request me ---- I often reject these requests ----- especially because the internet is kind of a hard place to determine if you'll really like someone and so on ----- and especially as I'm not fully interested in relationships, at least right now.




On another note:::: Avril Lavigne has reminded us that this is Lyme Awareness Month --- something like that.

On Twitter, she posted something she wanted us to share about spreading Lyme Awareness and handing out flyers.

I'm afraid making mention of this will have to suffice on my blog alone -----

why?

Well, 1) Maybe it's laziness, but maybe its also 2) the simple fact that Avril's community wasn't the most accepting of me. Avril herself is very friendly, and seemed very accepting of me ---- but some population of her other fans did not view me very well, so maybe I should just stay away on this one.


it's kind of hard to want to do some menial task for someone, even if you love them, if that someone's friends are not being kind.

I may love Jesus --- but if the church is unfriendly, then so much for that.


Another example is this:::::


There's one girl who I suspect wanted a relationship with me when I was young ---- but I rejected her.


Why? Because she was friends with my Sisters. I didn't even try to go for this one.


You see ----- One of my sisters didn't treat me very well when we were growing up ----- so if a girl is friends with my sisters, that was a big sign she's not compatible with me.


These days, maybe this rule doesn't apply so much anymore --- but when I was young it was important:::


The kind of idea is this::: with how badly my sister treated me, it's a choice between being her friend, or being my friend. I mean, are you interested in me for me--- or are you interested in me because you are friends with someone I can't stand to be around?


yeah ----- it might be tough to be interested in me and get that kind of response ---- but hey, that's life.


My sisters are far more acceptable to me these days, but yeah ---- just examples of how messed up things can be when friends of friends aren't being kind.

Monday, May 13, 2019

Ideas!

Yesterday I felt like saying something, and will only say it now because I have other things to say in this post:::

I don't really see sales if I have them.

I can speculate that the government takes my money and redistributes it to help people participating in the disability program I'm on. This is only speculation however. -- I'm not certain.

I have sketchy sources of information that give numbers that may back up my theory (because it does kind of add up) ------ so it's potentially true in my mind, but not confirmed.


And on to other things::::


Today I had two ideas!!!


One was a software idea.


The other was a carpentry idea ---- although maybe a little bit of engineering may be involved too.


It's exciting to have such good ideas of things I could do -------


but to do the software idea I can't help but wonder if I should have completed my Computer Science degree ------

and for the carpentry idea, I'll have to wait probably at least about 3 months before I can get the money together to potentially make a prototype.


Earlier this month I borrowed some money from my Dad and used it to pay off my credit card ---- and then I closed my credit card account.


I have to pay my Dad back before I can think about accumulating funds for any big projects.


That's the simplest way I can say what's on my mind.


The big reason I'm writing this post is just because of my excitement at having two good ideas in one day.


Although ------ because of mental/educational limitations one project might have to wait while the other has a big funding problem right now.


I'm probably just going to put these ideas "on the shelf" and try to remember them later. And maybe I'll forget. Who knows.

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Organized Confusion

Earlier today I thought about writing about a recent "spiritual/psychological" experience I felt I had --- but then decided against saying anything because it might just seem weird.




But:::: Just a little while ago ----- the gears in my head were turning and I realized even more about just how confusing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is.


Shortly after the publication of the first edition of my first book, I received an email from an old Young Men's leader I will refer to as "Cody Finn".

In this email, he told me he would NOT read my book, and listed all kinds of little criticisms he had against me for why he would not read it, such as talk about masturbation, buying lottery tickets and saying bad words.


So::::: Cody Finn made it clear::::: He feels he can criticize me for these little things I do or talk about.




After the Publication of Letters to Whomever (where Cody Finn's message can be found) ---- I was offering free books at a party my brother attended.

At this party, another Elder was giving me lip about how he would not be reading my books because I was critical of things that went wrong.



So:::: One Elder refuses to read my book because of his criticisms against me ---- while the other elder denounced criticism altogether and refused to read my book because he felt it was critical.



Hmmmm.



I have to say::: I am confused.

One Elder takes a position where he feels he can criticize me for little and mostly meaningless things, while the other elder absolutely refuses to accept any form of criticism.


??????


BOTH of these two different parties in the same church absolutely refused to read the book.


Obviously, because of their refusal to listen to my viewpoints and experiences, and because they refused to reimburse me for all the money I spent on publication ------ they were NOT loving.

Jesus taught "love one another".


These are two opposing parties in the same church with two different philosophies (one allows criticism, the other doesn't) who used the church to justify their positions, yet neither of them was actually loving


Maybe a reason I like Avril Lavigne so much is because she is a loving and caring person ----- so it's interesting that she impresses me because of the love she gives --------- and it's also interesting that the church did not allow her even though she is the one who loved, and all indications show that the church, that claims love, does not actually love.



Anyway, this blog post is just to show or illustrate how I encountered two members of the church I knew and both of them refused to read my books each using completely opposite philosophes ---- One being very critical, the other not allowing any criticism.


That is really ---- really confusing. I'm not quite sure I understand what the church is going for here.


Anyway --- it's supposed to be the one true church, yet they were unloving despite Jesus' teaching and both refused to read my book for completely opposite reasons.


Makes no sense. It just doesn't make sense. It's one church, but they aren't even uniform in how they approach a topic. Only the rejection was uniform.


How am I supposed to operate in a church where one part of it is very petty and will criticize tiny things while the other part of it won't allow any form of criticism at all. It doesn't even make sense how this church even exists, to be honest.


And yeah --- it's just too bad that altogether they completely lacked the love to actually read my book and hear my viewpoint on what I experienced. Really too bad. Ignorance.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Things To Do

For quite a while, I would feel incomplete - as if my life lacked something, and I needed to fill a hole.

Last Saturday and on Sunday --- that hole was filled.

I'm getting hooked on Soccer. Only two games into the Season, two games into the League --- and I have good enjoyment just sitting there and watching, cheering for whom I choose.



So::: with the soccer watching, with the guitar, I am feeling fulfilled, especially as my Sister is doing more by expanding her beehives. There's stuff to do. I am happy.



And then today I realized that I haven't done much to get my Bananatree games ready for release on the Ultra game store when that arrives.


Yeah ----- I've been completely misplacing my funds when it comes to re-developing for a new game store ---- with all the guitars I've bought, plus repairs, plus a season pass to the CPL -------- I've got all the funding I could need to do what I need to do -------- but I'm being distracted from releasing on the Ultra store.


I know I actually can't even guarantee that I ever will release a game on that store ----- there are too many details I am unaware of at this time.


If this Ultra store is only for PC ----- then I'll have to buy a PC or at least a Windows operating system. I might be considered at the level of a hobbyist ---- so if anything goes over my head technical wise, that may be a problem.




The main points of this post are to say that I now feel I'm living a fulfilled life, now that I've found a soccer League to watch ------- and my realization that I should kick into gear about releasing on Ultra but I've been completely misplacing my funds in order to do that.



And yeah, I still want to write less. But I just felt I had to give this little update about my gaming ideas.


Ultra can be found at ultra.io.

Saturday, April 27, 2019

Today Looks Like a Good Day

Well, today I'm feeling joyful.

I woke up early this morning and didn't even obsess about the old problems.

In fact, I just told myself that I would like to write less --- as in wanting to stop writing so much to my psychiatric friends and to stop posting so much about the same things over and over again on this blog.

And as I continued through the morning, I was really feeling so much better. No past obsessions on my mind, feeling good, and then I found some more good news:

Supposedly, today is the day of the first game of the Canadian Premier League. I sure hope they broadcast it on TV --- and I sure hope I can get my mind together to pay attention.

Today feels like a very good day.



I guess the biggest point of this post, however, is just how I actually desire to stop talking so much about past issues. To write less. To enjoy my life more. To not ruminate on old problems. To have a good time.