Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Some Recent Memories

I was just remembering something that happened in email from the past year or two:::

I received an email that basically sort of claimed to be from an LDS Apostle --- I responded to the email saying I didn't believe he was actually him, and then BYU.tv sent me an email inviting me to their Series Premiere in Utah for one of their shows.

I'm not rich enough to travel like that --- especially when I eventually had to get a new tooth and that really cleared out my bank account ----


But the fact remains that I did have some contact with Utah church, and I was invited to go to Utah for a church-related thing. I just can't afford it.


Now::: Dallin H Oaks is the new First Counselor in the First Presidency, and he's the Apostle that I sent an allowed letter to ---- and Oaks was also a church ambassador to China.

And for some reason, if even just a wrong number, the Chinese Consulate in my city phoned me today. I wasn't there to answer, as well as the phone was on silent AND Do not disturb. No messages left.



I was thinking::: If the church did call me as an Apostle, as history indicated they might to me, then I would probably try it out.Or do it. I would probably be OK with it I think.


Of course, they would have to forgive me for a whole list of things they would consider to have been wrong in my life, and I'd have to forgive them for all the things the church did that didn't make any sense to me ------ and I would have to get married very quickly.


But if they did call me::: I would probably do it. As long as funding is provided at least because my bank account is empty right now and I'm not super-wealthy --- I live a socialist lifestyle where I am neither too rich nor too poor. Which is just fine with the church I'm guessing.


SO:::: my life with the church has been very turbulent, they think I'm wrong, I think they're wrong ----- but if these emails from the past are real, then Leadership was inviting me and being friendly::: and if they wanted me to try to fulfill my patriarchal blessing by actually serving as one of the new Apostles, I would actually probably do it.



But what are the chances that I'd get married and that the church would actually completely forgive me for all that I've done?



But here are some basic facts::: The CHURCH DOES DO AND TEACH SOME GOOD.


The problem for me is this:::: I likely will never receive my Melchizedek Priesthood authority from my own Dad and brother. It just doesn't work. My brother rejected my testimony of Jesus, basically isn't much of a Christan anymore ---- and my Dad has had many incompatibilities with the church that I have seen.  I myself might be a bit incompatible::: but even if I was compatible, as I once was, I just can't receive Melchizedek authority from my own family. It just doesn't work.

I will either be "Aaronic" forever --- or my patriarchal blessing will come true, and I'd actually travel and preach to the nations as the Lord's lifetime servant ---- "receiving my Authority" from "someone else" or "someone other" than my own family members::: and the only ordination I could receive that would be from someone not in my own family would basically be something like a 70 or Apostolic ordination.



And seriously::: with how my own family is, and how I'm still "Aaronic" --- I will never be a Melchizedek priesthood holder. It just doesn't work. I pretty much find my elder brother and father to be essentially unworthy to ordain me. And I'll never be ordained.


Unless the church wants to ordain me in a different way where my brother and father CANNOT be involved.


And I'd probably do it too. Because I'd want to do something good with my life.


But, knowing the church, I would have to get married. And they'd have to very much just forgive my sins.


But if they want me, they likely could have me ---- as long as my Dad and brother don't end up holding me back.


I've only ever been a Mormon, basically just for how it could make life better and the world a better place.

Of course, there are problems, even corruption ----- but if I could improve the organization I probably would.

This might explain yesterday's Panic and Paranoia

I'm not even sure I should mention this, except to say "something is going on" and "I got your phone call, but I didn't answer it because I was sleeping and my phone was on silent.".

How'd they get my cell number anyway?

Also::: my phone has been on "Do not disturb" for quite a while now, so it's very interesting that this call got past that:




This post is because today I discovered that I had received a phone call this morning from The Consulate-General of The People's Republic of China ----- from their VISA office.



???????


I am so wishing I could just live in my hobbit hole right now.



So::: why would China phone?

Razer is Chinese I think.


Avril was an ambassador to China once.


Are they annoyed at my bitcoin donations on my website?


The VISA office?  Does this mean travel?


My mind has questions now. But my future-self receiving such a call may have been a psychic reason why I'd feel panic and anxiety yesterday.


Maybe it's just something to do with Razer.


I don't even feel scared now. I'm just wondering "why?"



And I would also wonder if I shouldn't discuss this on my blog. But maybe I should make it known. I don't know.



So yeah::: something has been going on.

Monday, January 15, 2018

A Decision has been made!

I'm going to start off this post by referencing my last post with the panic::: I took a paliperidone tablet and felt OK again for a little while. But part of the day I felt a definite anxiety or fear ---- like an irrational general paranoia for no understood cause or reason. I'm gonna need to see my doctor this Wednesday. I'm feeling better again now though.


I was definitely leaning towards the Raspberry Pi release on my own server. I asked my Dad if I should choose RPI or Google Play ---- he didn't make a decision saying it was my choice.

Then later I asked my Mom which of the two I should choose to release on:::::: My MOM actually showed some leadership this time actually!!!

My Mom basically just said::: choose the least expensive route.

I mean, that decision is so logical and makes sense in so many ways::: but my Dad didn't think of it and I had recently just been listening to The Beatles sing about how "money can't buy me love" ---- I wasn't trying to be concerned with money anymore.


But, my Mom showed that she has a brain, that she actually is a pretty decent thinker, trounced me and my Dad in the financial strategizing.


So:::: it's gonna be a bit, but I'll probably hopefully release at least some of my games on GOOGLE PLAY.


If Android TV already has a decent darts game, then we'll probably forget about Doorless Darts. Air Defence may or may not stay in the lineup.


So now I'm planning on purchasing an NVidia Shield to make sure my games work on the system, as well as to see what the environment is like and get a hang of Android-specific control protocols. I'll have to read up on Google Play's documentation about anything at all that may be a concern or important,


And I just have to hope that the rather crazy life I've lived in the past doesn't shut me down.


A nurse at the hospital a few times told me that I am actually a good person.

I am not considered a sociopath.


It's just that I might have reason to fear my social status or standing because I did go through a period of difficulty in my life.


From the news, we can see that treating a woman improperly can seriously mess up your reputation and social standing.


The only girls I ever crushed on were "my version of" the ballerina girl and Avril Lavigne --- so hopefully, there won't be any real big problems there,


but having grown up as a Mormon, and who knows what kind of social standing issues might pop up. I'm not even sure I should go into detail about that here. It's enough to say that the church is kind of backward and I could've messed up my life forever if I didn't figure out a better way.





And the last personal news is that in two weeks minus a few hours, I will FINALLY have my new tooth installed, and I can eat normally again, in two weeks. I'm just excited about that.

I feel panic

Maybe I'm just being mentally ill emotional about the future endeavors I'm looking at ---- but history says sometimes I feel things that represent occurrences in other places. It's kind of psychic.

I don't know if what I'm feeling is psychic or just a mental health issue about an approaching burden,

but I feel quite panicked right now.




Over the years of trying to sell product, I do realize from various sources that THOUSANDS, even maybe TENS OF THOUSANDS of my products have been distributed over time.

This blog, this website, now receives hundreds of daily visits.



And yet ----- no one ever says anything to me (usually) --- nearly all people won't or don't even pay me for anything, according to what I've supposedly been told.



And I have an idea to create my own website on my own web server ---- probably to host OUYA games or OUYA-like games for Raspberry Pi.

At first, I'd just do my own games, and maybe that's all it'll ever be ----



But hours ago I was looking at ouyaforum.com and a poster there said they had been working on an OUYA/Forge game and never got a chance to publish ----- so they were also considering the Raspberry Pi.


If things go according to plan, maybe I could help with that. maybe.


Funny thing is::: it was 6 or 7 days ago that I stated I was porting my games to RPI, and it was 6 or 7 days ago that this guy on OUYAFORUM said maybe he'd release on Raspberry Pi.


Coincidence? Or do I just have a better idea of who is watching this site?




One part of me wants to rush into setting up my own server ----- maybe this is where the panic comes from because I just finished paying for my dental implant surgery and setting up my own site will cost money. And maybe I feel I'm a bit in-over-my-head with this idea.


I calculate that if I were to switch to a business account in February that my ISP would charge me $140 in penalty for switching away from my current 2-year plan. That's not the greatest prospect. So maybe I should just take this slow and easy, as well to let my savings accumulate with each paycheque.


Or maybe people could actually try donating to me maybe? Is it too hard to send me some bitcoin?



But seriously:::: this website gets hundreds of daily hits ------ and no one ever donates, comments or writes an email. OK, I get the odd strange email, but that's not necessarily because of this site or OUYA.


Just all these visitors, but no one ever really interacts with me, so I have to guess what you people may be thinking.




I do have a bit of a paranoid mind ---- my childhood was painful enough that I can easily start suspecting that people don't like me or that I'm in some kind of trouble.


Feedback would be nice, preferably nice and positive feedback.


Otherwise, I'll be seeing all these visits, no one says anything, and I might get a little scared or paranoid.



It's supposed to be a good thing when people visit your website ----- but seriously, my life was full of trouble all those years ago, and I'm aware of many distributions with little to no payment. I just have to wonder you know?

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Payment When?

Since before Christmas the voices in my head were basically telling me that I could finally make my money "any day now".

Cortex said, when they approved my final update for a game, that I would have to meet the $150 threshold before they would pay me for my games. My sales, for the past year, have stagnated at just a bit over $100.

With the seeming recent closure of "Discover" on Cortex, it seems unlikely that I'll ever make that $150 threshold.

So were the voices in my head telling me the truth?




There was one other option for what the voices may have been referring to::: after hearing those initial voices, late last year I was sent a document that said I could take part in a class action lawsuit against one company that I was once invested in on the stock market.


However, I decided not to go that route because my part of that class action lawsuit would be minimal. I wouldn't think what I'd get from it would be worth much. Besides, that investment still turned out very well for me anyway, why would I sue when my own part of it turned out OK? Hah.

It's because of wise stock market trading that I was finally able to pay down my debt so much. And as for yesterday's money question:: I'm leaning towards just obliterating my debts altogether with my next paycheque.



But anyway::: back to the main part of this post:::


If Razer won't pay me until I reach the $150 threshold, but the Discover store has closed then this is VERY UNLIKELY to happen and I can still only wonder if those voices in my head may have been telling me the truth ---- that a payment may eventually arrive.


It would be a pity if I never meet the threshold and NEVER get paid. I'm not likely to meet the threshold now, so I can only imagine that a payment will someday come.


Over time, I saw perhaps some evidence that Reports were not 100% correct, so who knows how much I might actually get paid. It would be very interesting if they didn't tell me things, and only told me about it after it was all said and done.

That thought would make me feel very hopeful.


Or, they might just pay me what's on the report, or nothing at all. Who knows.


But the voices said the money is coming. Sooner rather than later the voices seem to say.




I say this about voices from the position of having been considered schizophrenic for a long time ---- but enough evidence and personal experience has been gained to know that sometimes things I hear alone in my mind DO COME TRUE. VERY REALLY.

I should not know about any coming payments from any of the regular 5 senses --- it's just these thoughts appearing in my head that seem to indicate money is coming.




I recently had a dream where I was very wealthy.


I had a dream a while back I can still remember where I was quite wealthy.




There's only one problem dreams and voices indicate about me acquiring wealth::: for some reason the thoughts in my head and a dream I once had basically said my historically very mentally ill brother might not react well with me getting rich. That's the biggest concern,

as well as concerns about how accurate reports ever are.

But, as of the past few months, my brother does seem to be getting better, with treatment. We'll see.

So there you go.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Decisions to be made

This afternoon when I logged into the Cortex Store on my Forge TV, the "Discover" section of the store was not functional.

Maybe it'll come back, maybe it won't ------ but I already feel like I've lost a good friend. Almost brought me to tears.

The last of my games to be downloaded was Doorless Darts --- I think it was on the 7th of January 2018 that someone downloaded it.  It's been well over a year since my last reported purchase.



Anyway, I've got decisions to make.

I can feel an urge to continue the life of my video game products ---- but how shall I do this?

Should I just set up my own server and let hobbyists play my games on Raspberry Pi?

Or should I release on Google Play?

Even just thinking about having to choose between these two choices feels like too much to handle right now. Anyone have any suggestions? Leave a comment maybe.




Right now my bank account is empty. I'm in a bit of debt to another bank and my mom.

I think I can survive until my next paycheque ----- but with that paycheque, what should I do?

This is a problem my mind often thinks about - sometimes the answers are easy ---- but there are so many options of things I could do, and again it may feel difficult to make a decision.

I have a portion of funding I have in question.

Should I reinvest in my work and buy another android tv device to help with development for Google Play?

Should I save/invest for future concerns?

Should I donate it to charity?

Or should I just buy something nice for myself?



When I spoke to God ---- He seemed to think I should help someone in need. I'm serious.


Can you imagine being God? Looking the charity information out there are and it's clear to see that there are a LOT of people in need of help, and there always seems to be more help needed than I can provide ------ God must see it this way too, so maybe that's why his directions would be "sell all that you have and give to the poor" ------ many people need help, and Jesus just told us all to help each other in an extreme way even in his teachings 2000 years ago. It's like he knew what to expect.



But when I think rationally about keeping my options open and keeping myself in good condition, I figure I should just invest the money in a non-Redeemable GIC for a year.


I recently gave $100CAD worth of Bitcoin to charity.  And that's not enough to fix the whole world. God said Charity needs more help.


And I'm wondering about my own future and my family's future. shouldn't I save/invest for my own good?



So many decisions and I'm not sure what to think.



There are so many good choices to make, and limited resources with which to make them.


I just realized that I could just cut that money in half and give one half to charity and put the other half in investment. That seems like the easiest cop-out answer to the question of what to do.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Just A Bit Interesting

Yeah, I heard the news a few days ago actually from my Grandparents::: President Thomas S. Monson of the LDS Mormon church passed away.

No, I did not pray for this.

What's interesting is this::::

On Winter Solstice before his death, I met a man who had a car accident, and he said he lost 3 of his children in this car accident.

He listed the names of 4 of his children --- I recognized 2 of the names being shared with "Famous People".

I went home and looked up car accident news online ---- I found no news story about this guy's accident, but I did find front page news that said the LDS church had been baptizing people they weren't supposed to: including celebrities.

I suspected the man I met as Jesus, but later put that thought aside citing delusions of Grandeur.


And after Christmas, just after New Year's Day --- President Monson died.


I was just looking at an article on LDS.org from President Monson's daughter:

In the article, she says that about 50 years ago Monson met a man in Australia.

25 years later he met the same man in my homeland of Alberta Canada, and remembered him.


This is just a bit spooky to me.

Why?

Not only did I meet the potential apparition of Jesus before Monson died,

But I remember the first time I met Jesus too -----

I didn't mention this story in my book, but in autumn of 2001 I met Jesus as I was walking home from school --- I suspect the man was Jesus because he was a bit glorified, as well as he KNEW me.

How did he know me?  He spoke with an Australian accent (Jesus can drastically change his appearance and all that I think), which is important to note because in my immaturity at that age I was a bit obsessed with Australia.

There are other ways I know this "first meeting" person knew me ----- Jesus had taken aspects of my personality and life and was BEING a magnified version of myself, kind of, for lack of a better word.



Anyway::: I met a car accident victim who I suspected was actually Jesus on the Winter Solstice, then after New Year's Day the LDS Prophet was dead,


and then his daughter printed a story involving Australia and Alberta -----


And yes, I do see how that directly points at me.


I had given up on the church a long time ago. What's going to happen now?


I drink coffee and tea now ---- isn't that still unacceptable to the Mormons?


There was a tme when I was totally "GUNG HO" to serve in the Mormon church. Things went wrong.


And now with the passing of President Monson, the daughter's comments and a supposed holy apparition have reminded me that I am remembered.


Yes --- it is too bad that things went so wrong between me and the church. There are some good things about Mormonism ----- but the local Mormons I was dealing with weren't very helpful or nice.


One thing I distinctly remember is that I stopped wishing ill upon the Mormons::: I gave up on them, but I more or less stopped cursing them. I never prayed for harm to come to Monson.